Tainted Dreams [Help?]

[Jace]

Please read...if you have time. My personal comments are at the bottom, so as not to ruin anything, or give false ideas.


A light wind ruffled along the moonlit-bathed grass, causing a wave of silver to flow along the ground, stirring both beast and insect to wake up, smell of the tainted air and give evidence to the life around them. Among the beasts, the insects, and the air tainted with ancient, a lone figure stood, her form standing upon the edge of a hill. The hill overlooked a valley, for the moment bathed in darkness as the gleaming moon forsook it, to instead simply gaze down upon that one, that female.

Pale light glanced from her hair, raven colored and falling to her waist, catching the rays off moonlight and trapping them within, causing a slight glow to surround her, creating a nimbus of light that gave cause to her power.

Her face lifted to the heavens, oval shaped eyes, colored as soft rubies, searching the vastness of the skies for a sign, a symbol that her world was one piece, not as the torn and tattered remains of her heart. Instead the skies smiled down upon the lone figure, casting her in its light, framing her pale face in its glow, caressing her satin skin with contaminated love. A single tear formed along the rim of an eye, glistening as molten silver in the unnatural bath of light. It traveled down her cheek, hanging for a second to her slender jaw, then fell.

Its course took it along the path of her body, seeing for an instant her slim body, lithe and corded, admiring for a second the curves that gaze substance to her being. Then, it slammed into the hard packed earth and was no more, but another faded memory to lie buried in the oil.

The girl brought her hands up, cupped around something that none could see save the gods, not that there was any alive to spy upon her. She felt the creature trapped within her hands flutter even as the wind brushed against her body once more, ruffling her blue robes which concealed her black leather armor housed beneath. She brought her face down to her hands, lips touching her knuckles, breathing words upon her flesh as a sob threatened to wrack her slender body.

Again the creature thrummed, a steady humming, a vibration that threatened to crack her soul in two. It shook her to her core, and unable to stand it, she fell. Her knees struck the earth with a distinct thud, the grass doing little to soften the blow. Dark hair fell against her face in a curtain of despair, the moon creating a halo of hated light around her.

Slowly the girl opened her eyes, the crimson shades seeking to pierce the darkness of the valley below, willing with her mind for the cloud to pass, to let her behold…

And so it did. The clouds subsided, gave up their posts as sentries to guard her against what waited, folding back along the heavens as parchment. With the vision revealed, she saw once more what she knew to be a reality. A river ran through the valley where there had been none, though not a single entity lived in that river. Instead it was riddled with bodies, dying and dead, each drowning in that river, that winding snake of blood.

A horse cry tore from her lips, and with her cry a single word.

Syomaraie

At once her hands opened of their own volition and the creature trapped within burst forth in its radiant light of darkness, drinking in the light of the moon, dragging all life into it. The girl fell to her knees before it, her stomach retching at the smell of the dead that the wind brought to her senses. Still she could sense that creature, that butterfly, watching her as it stole the life from her limbs.

As she fell to the earth, waiting for it to swallow her whole, she heard a name calling out to her, one not tainted with this place, this valley, this life.

Ksania!

Falling, the maw of the gods stretching to its extent to welcome her home.

Ksania!!

Just as the absolute pitch was to swallow her whole, she was torn from the place, thrown back into a reality that was entirely her own, yet it took some seconds to realize that she was being shaken roughly by a woman quite older than her.



Ok, so I was listening to classic music and just began to write, when I stopped, as I was getting sleepy, I found this girl caught in this dream, and this not being the first time. Strange things happen in the dream, etc. Not sure where I'm giong with this, if anywhere...just..opinions? I know the end is rushed, Im sleepy.

 

[Herew]

Generally, I like what you have written. The words give your story a dream like feel that I think you were aiming for. It felt dark and uncertian but still kept my attention. You have a lot of questions to answer. But the one that comes to my mind is this: Is the girl an elf? Keep going, I am interested to see were this adventure takes you.

 

[Rosemary]

I thought those descriptive sentences were very well written. They heighten the feeling of what is happening to the girl and to the land around her.

 

[Paradox 99]

It's beautiful Jace. But dare I say a little too beautiful?
I feel like I've just eaten twelve bars of galaxy chocolate after reading that.
I love the stuff but find that I can often eat too much!

The language you used there was a treat, I really enjoyed it, but something about it niggles me and I'm not at all sure what it is yet. I read through it a couple of times and enjoyed it even more the second time, but still had an itch somewhere that needed scratching. Could it be the sentence structure in a few places?

Her face lifted to the heavens, oval shaped eyes, colored as soft rubies, searching the vastness of the skies for a sign, a symbol that her world was one piece, not as the torn and tattered remains of her heart.

It has a certain flowing rhythm to it, but I'm wondering if it needs to be split up a bit. This happens in a few places.

I do think it's worth repeating though that this was a beautiful piece and you captured the dream-like quality perfectly.

One or two grammatical/typo things too...

catching the rays off moonlight

of?

Its course took it along the path of her body, seeing for an instant her slim body

Too many bodies. Maybe change the last one to "form" or "figure" or "frame"?

A horse cry tore from her lips,

Should that be hoarse?

Great reading that. I hope you post more.

 

[HieroGlyph]

From the start, I envisioned this in Japanese anime... And then a word like 'sayonara'. If you have seen much anime, I think you'll know what I mean.

So it is also a little two dimensional, too, for me. But I shouldnt expect so much from any beginnings, should I? I'm only the layman-critic

Saying that, I could suggest trying to add that third dimension by getting more involved with her feelings and thoughts. Tis mostly visual, which is great if this is a script for anime

[Bah! I just read over what I wrote and can see that I 'speak' and cant write at all! lol]

 

[Jace]

Thanks so much for the replies, I have fixed most of the errors, ( I think), except the sentence structure one. I always have problems with that...


Now, as to the elf question.. I don't know. I know she is different, for one thing her eyes are the color of rubies, which are red, but other than that.. I purposfully gave her oval shaped eyes as to take away the feel of an elf, which I was feeling as she came alive. I don't think I want her to be an elf.

In fact, I thought of having her wake up with eyes as green as an ocean, and the color of her eyes in the dream only being a premonition, giving way to the fact that something is going to happen to her later to change her, both inside and her appearance.

I think I'll work on this at work and maybe try to get a symbolance(sp) of a story line and plot.

Edit: Never watched that anime, though as you can see I'm a fan of it by my Avatar... I'll go over it again tonight and try to add more depth.

 

[Cosmo]

Jace i would just like to say that in the beggining of my book i was told to write short snappy sentences. i think that applies here.
Otherwise i thaught it was really interesting.
ps an elf as a main character has not been heard of by me before so i think it would be a good idea.

dont write the story let it write you

 

[Mark Robson]

Beautiful description, but the sense of aimlessness was also very strong. I got no sense of direction, and to be honest this put me off. You clearly write well, but for me a piece needs direction if it is to grab me - sorry!

By the way, 'horse cry' should read 'hoarse cry' - just me being picky.

 

[Jace]

I did some revising..


A light wind ruffled along the moonlit-bathed grass, causing a wave of silver to flow along the ground, stirring both beast and insect to wake up, smell of the tainted air and give evidence to the life around them. The bowing grass dipped and glided along the hills of the unnamed land, rising and falling with grace. It danced thus until the wind came against a sudden ridge, where beyond rested nothing but darkness. Here the silver halted, its shimmering wave brought to an abrupt halt as the grass stilled, giving way to the forlorn landscape that waited just beyond.

Along with the wind came a scent, sweet and heavy, carried about the currents of the air from a place unknown, brought to life before the senses of a lone figure. She stood at the edge of the grass covered hills, her hands clasped before her slender body. The hill upon which she rested overlooked a valley, for the moment bathed in darkness as the gleaming moon forsook it, to instead simply gaze down upon that one, that female.

Pale light glanced from her hair, raven colored and falling to her waist, catching the rays of moonlight and trapping them within, causing a slight glow to surround her, creating a nimbus of light that gave cause to her power.

Her face lifted to the heavens, slim shaped eyes colored as soft rubies, searching the vastness of the skies for a sign, a symbol that her world was one piece, not as the torn and tattered remains of her soul. Instead the skies smiled down upon the lone figure, casting her in its light, framing her pale face in its glow, caressing her satin skin with contaminated love. A single tear formed along the rim of an eye, glistening as molten silver in the unnatural bath of light. It traveled down her cheek, hanging for a second to her slender jaw, then fell.

Its course took it along the path of her body, seeing for an instant her slim form, lithe and corded, admiring for that second the curves that gave substance to her being. Then, it slammed into the hard packed earth and was no more, only another faded memory to lie buried in the soil, to mingle with the blood.

Blood.

The girl brought her hands up, cupped around something that none could see, stained red and matted with liquid not of her own. She felt the creature trapped within her hands flutter even as the wind brushed against her body once more, ruffling her blue robes which concealed her black leather armor housed beneath. She brought her face down to her hands, lips touching her knuckles, breathing words upon her flesh as a sob threatened to wrack her slender body.

Again the creature thrummed, a steady humming, a vibration that threatened to crack her soul in two. It shook her to her core, and unable to stand it, she fell. Her knees struck the earth with a distinct thud, the grass doing little to soften the blow. Dark hair fell against her face in a curtain of despair, the moon creating a halo of hated light around her.

Slowly the girl opened her eyes, the crimson shades seeking to pierce the darkness of the valley below, willing with her mind for the cloud to pass, to let her behold…

And so it did. The clouds subsided, gave up their posts as sentries to guard her against what waited, folding back along the heavens as parchment. With the vision revealed, she saw once more what she knew to be a reality. A river ran through the valley where there had once been none, though not a single entity lived in that river. Instead it was riddled with bodies, dying and dead, each drowning in that river, that winding snake of blood.

A hoarse cry tore from her lips and with her cry a single word, ancient and unknown, rife with power that none, much less the girl, could ever hope to grasp.

Syomaraie

At once her hands opened of their own volition and the creature trapped within burst forth in its radiant light of darkness, drinking in the light of the moon, dragging all life into it. The girl fell forward, catching her descent with her now empty hands, her stomach retching at the smell of the dead that the wind brought to her senses. Still she could sense that creature, that butterfly, watching her as it stole the life from her limbs. It begged her in silence to glance up, to behold the beauty that it claimed from her life, and so she did, compelled beyond her own power.

In that single insect she watched as countless nations were brought to utter destruction, entire cities laid to waste. A cloud of dark dust raged over the whole of her world, covering each child in its soot, every species breathed in its vapor and choked on its death.

The wings beat a single time and her heart clenched, the veins within her chest heaving and bursting, showering the valley below with her blood, an unending tide that flowed from her chest as a waterfall, crimson misery born on the wings of a butterfly. She tried to staunch the flow but her hands refused to move, not willing to rise from the ground to cover the growing hole in the cavity of her body. A scream was pulled from her throat but died before it had the chance to pass from her lips, the power that held sway over her refusing her voice.

She pitched forward as her life spilled out into the darkness before her, her head cracking against the hardpacked, blood-soaked ground. Her own fluids flowed into her open eyes, unable to summon the strength to close them, watching helplessly as the world died, drowned in the tide of her blood.

Ksania!

She was falling, the ground opening wide to take her into its womb, to let her slide to oblivion on a tidal wave of sorrow wrought by her own hands.

Ksania!!

Just as the absolute pitch was to swallow her whole, she was torn from the void, hands clawing at the soil, begging to be released. Violently she fought against the hands that grabbed her, those claws tearing her to pieces, pulling her from blessed death back into the realm of pain and suffering. She struck out without thought, wanting nothing more than to break free, to run, and to die.

Her fist connected with something solid, a voice yelled out, and her eyes popped open. Sweat ran down her body in thick rivulets almost as blood. The sheets she had laid upon her bed the night before as cover were now nothing more than a twisted memory, wrapped about her body and soaked with her emotions. Around her was faint light, coming from a single window in her room, showing the beginnings of day.

This isn’t right. The girl said, looking around in bewilderment, obsidian hair plastered to her head, hanging down her back in a single braid. Then she heard a moan, the voice belonging to an all to familiar figure. With a knotting of her eyebrows the girl looked over the side of her bed, eyes widening at the sight of her mother pulling herself from the floor, a distinct red mark blossoming on her chin.

“Macia!” The girl yelled, untangling herself from her sheets as fast as possible, but not before her mother had stood, a slim hand rubbing her jaw, the color already beginning to return to normal.

“Well, daia, I see you are ready to begin the day if you possess that much energy so early. Tend to the animals.” The young looking woman said, her eyes sweeping her daia, daughter, and then turned away. Her shoulders were stiff with disapproval, again.


Ksania leapt from bed, landing lightly upon the chilled floor, her gown falling down to her ankles, hair hanging limply down her back in one long strand. Her dream, for that was what it was she now realized, was fast fading from her memory, though bits and pieces still struck out at her mind with stark clarity. She ignored these things though as she washed her face in a cracked porcelain bowl, shivering at the cold liquid against her clammy skin. Now she would have to do her chores twice as fast to make up for this morning.

 

[Jace]

Could someone, anyone..read the last post of mine and give me any, if any, input? Please?

 

[PenDragon]

I think it is an improvement on the first version, as you cut some of the repetion out of that first paragraph.

It's very vivid, which suits the dream you are creating, and well written. I think the first version was too writerly, verging on being overwritten, but you seem to have pulled that back a bit in this version, althought it could still be a bit rich.

One little trick that might lift it is to replace some of those -ing words with their -ed versions this will put it into a more active voice.

Take this para....

Her face lifted to the heavens, slim shaped eyes colored as soft rubies, searching the vastness of the skies for a sign, a symbol that her world was one piece, not as the torn and tattered remains of her soul. Instead the skies smiled down upon the lone figure, casting her in its light, framing her pale face in its glow, caressing her satin skin with contaminated love. A single tear formed along the rim of an eye, glistening as molten silver in the unnatural bath of light. It traveled down her cheek, hanging for a second to her slender jaw, then fell.

Her face lifted to the heavens, slim shaped eyes colored as soft rubies, searched the vastness of the skies for a sign, a symbol that her world was one piece, not as the torn and tattered remains of her soul. Instead the skies smiled down upon the lone figure, cast her in its light, framed her pale face in its glow, caressed her satin skin with contaminated love. A single tear formed along the rim of an eye and glistened molten silver in the unnatural bath of light. It traveled down her cheek, hung to her slender jaw, then fell.

I'm also not sure about how you've used 'as' in some sentences

a symbol that her world was one piece, not as the torn and tattered remains of her soul


I understand what you're saying but it reads a bit archaic to me, replacing 'as' with like or 'not as' with unlike would seem like a more intuitive solution.

The main problem, for me at least, is the denseness of the prose. This I think is becasue you use too many long sentences and paragrapghs of the same size made up of long sentence after long sentence, which makes it read in a samey sounding tone.

For instance your 1st para has four very long sentences, para 2 three long sentences, para 3 is one very long sentence, para 4 is made up of three really long sentences, and so on.

Try this seperate the entire piece out into sentences, giving each sentence a line of it's own. If you look at it and see that the majority of your sentences are of a very similar length (short or long) chances are it will read repetious and you need to vary it.


Overall, it's a strong and intersting opening, the contrast between the magical dream life and the mundane waking life works and creates interest in the story. What's happenimng in the dreams? Why is she having them? What do they mean? How will they affect her. real life? It works well to generate some good story questions.

 

[chrispenycate]

What can i say? It's notme, not something I would read by choice; but that hardly makes it bad, just makes it very difficult for me to judge it. Oh, eliminate "absolute pitch"; it says something very specific in music (you were presumably using it for the black, tarry substance, but the other meanings of the word got dragged in) and was "In that single insect she watched as countless nations were brought to utter destruction," supposed to be an isect, or a Freudian slip for an instant?

There are no major grammatical errors I picked up, and if the imagery is sometimes a little confused, that's quite normal for a dream -"slim shaped eyes" " pale light glanced from her hair, raven coloured and falling to her waist"; yes, we know it's the hair that's black, not the light, but the light's bouncing off it.

No, the story's just not suceptible to my style of analysis, I am sorry, but I did read it, intensively.

 

[Herew]

Jace,
I like this story and what is going on but like it was said before, there is no sense of direction. I'm going to continue to read as long as you post but I'd like to know who this girl is, where she, is and what she does. I will wait as long as it takes!!

 

[Jace]

Thanks guys for all the comments.. I need all the help I can get. I think one of my problems is that I also write on a Msg board, doing RPGish things. In that, a lot of people judge your worth by the poetic flow of your words. I need to learn how to add flesh to the bones..

I have written down a few ideas for this story though and it's eventual progression. One of those ideas is that in this world, Humans are going to be the minority, the mythical figures, while elves will be the dominent race, the common folk as you will. In fact, it will be the human kind that look down upon the 'fair folk' instead of vice versa. I plan on having two main groups of humans, two 'Houses', and so on...or something. It's kinda scattered at the moment, and I'm still groping for a plot.. bah.

 

[Rosemary]

I enjoy reading stories about the 'fair folk' Jace. The alterations you have made are starting to bring the story to life.

Words and phrases such as 'shimmering' or 'faded memory' are those which I notice and enjoy. However, there would not be too many readers who would like it quite as much as I and it is to those readers that I think you should perhaps direct your story. Adding more substance perhaps to what has happened in the valley below...

I am not sure how you would go about that, perhaps another writer would be able to help there.

 

[utopian]

This has a great scope for expansion. I think you need to explain things a little more clearly. How is this girl/elf different from other people? I mean is she physically different? You need to explain that here.
Style-wise, the story would read better with shorter sentences. Long lines tend to reduce interest in the story, so you might like to do something about that.

 

[PenDragon]

I'm still groping for a plot.. bah.

Here are some links to arctiles about plotting that might help...

Plot Outline

Fast Plotting

How to Build a Better Plot

Plot

Plotting is a Seven Letter Word

...and here are some notes on plot and plotting you might find useful...


7 Plots
1 - [wo]man vs. nature
2 - [wo]man vs. man
3 - [wo]man vs. the environment
4 - [wo]man vs. machines/technology
5 - [wo]man vs. the supernatural
6 - [wo]man vs. self
7 - [wo]man vs. god/religion

1. Overcoming the monster -- defeating some force which threatens... e.g. most Hollywood movies; Star Wars, James Bond.
2. The Quest -- typically a group setoff in search of something and (usually) find it. e.g. Watership Down, Pilgrim's Progress.
3. Journey and Return -- the hero journeys away from home to somewhere different and finally comes back having experienced something and maybe changed for the better. e.g. Wizard of Oz, Gullivers Travels.
4. Comedy - not neccesarily a funny plot. Some kind of misunderstanding or ignorance is created that keeps parties apart which is resolved towards the end bringing them back together. e.g. Bridget Jones Diary, War and Peace.
5. Tragedy - Someone is tempted in some way, vanity, greed etc and becomes increasingly desperate or trapped by their actions until at a climax they usually die. Unless it's a Hollywood movie, when they escape to a happy ending. e.g. Devils' Advocate, Hamlet.
6. Rebirth - hero is captured or oppressed and seems to be in a state of living death until it seems all is lost when miraculously they are freed. e.g. Snow White.
7. Rags to Riches - self explanatory really. e.g. Cinderella & derivatives

Seven things a story should have.

1. A hero – the person through whose eyes we see the story unfold, set against a larger background.
2. The hero’s character flaw – a weakness or defense mechanism that hinders the hero in such a way as to render him/her incomplete.
3. Enabling circumstances – the surroundings the hero is in at the beginning of the story, which allow the hero to maintain his/her character flaw.
4. An opponent – someone who opposes the hero in getting or doing what he/she wants. Not always a villain. For example, in a romantic comedy, the opponent could be the man or woman whom the hero seeks romance with. The opponent is the person who instigates the life-changing event.
5. The hero’s ally – the person who spends the most time with the hero and who helps the hero overcome his/her character flaw.
6. The life-changing event – a challenge, threat or opportunity usually instigated by the opponent, which forces the hero to respond in some way that’s related to the hero’s flaw.
7. Jeopardy – the high stakes that the hero must risk to overcome his/her flaw. These are the dramatic events that lend excitement and challenge to the quest.

Plot is Conflcit - "Exposition - Rising Action - Climax - Falling Action - Denouement"

Exposition (including inciting moment)

In the exposition, the background information that is needed to understand the story proper is provided. Such information includes the protagonist, the antagonist, the basic conflict, the setting, and so forth. The exposition ends with the inciting moment, which is the single incident in the story's action without which there would be no story. The inciting moment sets the remainder of the story in motion, beginning with the second act, the rising action.

Rising action

During the rising action, the basic conflict is complicated by the introduction of related secondary conflicts, including various obstacles that frustrate the protagonist's attempt to reach his or her goal. Secondary conflicts can include adversaries of lesser importance than the story's antagonist, who may work with the antagonist or separately, by and for themselves.

Climax (turning point)

The third act is that of the climax, or turning point, which marks a change, for the better or the worse, in the protagonist’s affairs. If the story is a comedy, things will have gone badly for the protagonist up to this point; now, the tide, so to speak, will turn, and things will begin to go well for him or her. If the story is a tragedy, the opposite state of affairs will transpire, with things going from good to bad for the protagonist.

Falling action

During the falling action, the conflict between the protagonist and the antagonist unravels, with the protagonist winning or losing against the antagonist. The falling action may contain a moment of final suspense, during which the final outcome of the conflict is in doubt.

Denouement or catastrophe

The comedy ends with a denouement in which the protagonist is better off than he or she was at the story's outset. The tragedy ends with a catastrophe in which the protagonist is worse off than he or she was at the beginning of the narrative.
Although Freytag's analysis of dramatic structure is based on five-act plays, it can be applied (sometimes in a modified manner) to short stories and novels as well.

A Plot Skeleton

Situation

In which a character is in conflict with another character, with self, or with circumstances.

Incident One

Something occurs, which increases or intensifies the characters problems, and heightens the tension.

Incident Two

There is a second incident perhaps arising from the first, which makes the characters predicament much worse.

Reaction

The character attempts to overcome the problems.

Frustration

The characters attempts are thwarted by the introduction of yet another complication, 'Which must be entirely different from the first two', and which further intensifies the situation.

Reaction/Resolution

The character again attempts to overcome the problems and either succeeds - in which case the story comes to its conclusion - or is again thwarted, and there are second Reaction and Frustration stages leading to a final Resolution


Scenes

Each individual incident, reaction, frustration, and resolution is a Scene
The purpose of a scene is to

1 Paint a vivid picture
2 Create an air of anticipation (story hook)
3 Have emotional reversal
4 Generate the urge to know what will happen next

Emotional Reversal

The scene should start with the character in one state and end with in a different state. If they start the scene happy they should be sad by the end of the scene. If things start bad , they should build until they finish good.

...hope that lot helps you.

 

[Paradox 99]

The revision is definitely better.
The addition at the end really makes all the difference to me because it highlights the previous part as a dream, which I feel demands that kind of writing. As I mentioned before, the dream is written in very lavish language, but I think, considering the context and subject matter, it's entirely appropriate.

If forming a plot is causing you to struggle then I haven't got anything more to add to PenDragon's excellent post.

Having said that, I do disagree with his thoughts on swapping the "ing" bits with "eds". Normally I'd agree with him, but I believe that your version kind of fits well with the dream sequence.

It's a beautifully written piece, but even writing like this loses its lustre if you don't nail that plot - I hope you get plenty of inspiration.

 

[Jace]

It's moving along in my head... Can't thank everyone enough for your help!