shattered union

[loomigo]

well, im new here and i wanted to know what you guys thought of my little old story, now, i know my use of capital letters and punctuation is absolutely atrocious so please dont pick up on it? ive had it enough times lol, its cos i get caught up in the moment, i will give you guys a taster from the middle of the story, if you like it i can give you more, but only by personal request.


View attachment taster.txt

 

[scalem X]

this is more common around here and well just easier for quoting and so:

Text:
Shattered union

'hold the line!' shouted troden as a column of enemy axemen charged into his unit, the enemy had been getting the upper hand and his unit was having to fight the most hardened troops off on their own, although trodens troops were the best, hand picked from thousands, for their fearsome nature and aptitude, to four hundred. Well armoured, well equipped and excrutiatingly well trained, so much so that some soldiers had even dropped dead during trodens rigorous training. Armed with hammers, wielding bucklers and suited in a light but durable suit of scale mail the squad was as versatile as it was tough, troden himself was very heavily built, shorter than the rest of his titanic squad. A clean shaven man, of impeccable personal hygeine, dark brown hair normally graced his broad shoulders but now a topknotted ponytail jutted from his close fitting but well protecting helmet, he wore a full suit of sturdy but flexible mail encased in heavy spiked plate made of rare black steel, near impenetrable, his immense warhammer ended many a man in the grip of such a mighty warrior, though such a fearsome man was a most worthy opponent for any warrior he was not invincible. his injuries were numerous, the scars plentiful, but he would never allow himself to stop fighting, not while such a bigoted society was still in existance.

Gangrenar was its name, a bountiful land, once part of the union, once free from the holds and constraints of money, once happy, now ruled by despots who wished everyone decent, with decent values, a sense of community and a sense of right and wrong suppressed, men whose arrogance made them brake off from the union and whose bitterness made them wage war with those who had nurtured gangrenar into the thriving metropolis it now is, other countries declared sovereignty, saying that they did not want a part in the war and condemning themselves to a life of hardship and destitiution away from the caring embrace of the union, most countrys knew this but were more afraid of gangrenar than of national ruin. the once proud union of ten was now an alliance of three. three defenders of the free world from devestating persecution at the hands of the gangren warmongers. the war was here, and in full force, five years the war had raged with no sign of ending, losses were heavy on both sides and such was the union's benevolance they proposed to cease fighting for a few months to help both sides recouperate; gangrenar refused, mocking the union for its cowardice. The union, taking this with mild indifference declared that the school of magic reopened and wizards to be trained once more, an ancient art immensly dangerous to the untrained and immensly powerful in the hands of the skilled could beat back the foolish invaders and win the war for the union, in response to this the gangrens declared the opening of their own school of magic, since many of the old tomes and books concerning the subject had been taken when gangrenar had split. and so troden sits on the brink of a new age, where a new weapon will be a deciding factor in the winning of this, most important of wars. the age of magic dawns once more upon the world



My personal opinion is that after the start, you like start another start. You start with a horde of axemen charging in, which is written as a view from on the battlefield. Then you seem to "zoom out" and start telling a story from above. If you really want to do it this way, I'd suggest that you use something more like; "it was less than 10 seconds before the axemen would frantically charge into his compagnie, does a soldier at this time think of the ...(description of the strength of the army) or...(description of the righteousness of his cause)" That could help to make it flow into each other in more ways. But it was nice to read and well it's just a personal opinion, maybe you've got your reasons to keep it this way. Don't bother too much.

 

[polymath]

I would suggest a couple of things that really need addressing.
Firstly, you have a tendency to let your sentences ramble on a bit too long e.g.:
"A clean shaven man, of impeccable personal hygeine, dark brown hair normally graced his broad shoulders but now a topknotted ponytail jutted from his close fitting but well protecting helmet, he wore a full suit of sturdy but flexible mail encased in heavy spiked plate made of rare black steel, near impenetrable, his immense warhammer ended many a man in the grip of such a mighty warrior, though such a fearsome man was a most worthy opponent for any warrior he was not invincible."

and

"Gangrenar was its name, a bountiful land, once part of the union, once free from the holds and constraints of money, once happy, now ruled by despots who wished everyone decent, with decent values, a sense of community and a sense of right and wrong suppressed, men whose arrogance made them brake off from the union and whose bitterness made them wage war with those who had nurtured gangrenar into the thriving metropolis it now is, other countries declared sovereignty, saying that they did not want a part in the war and condemning themselves to a life of hardship and destitiution away from the caring embrace of the union, most countrys knew this but were more afraid of gangrenar than of national ruin. the once proud union of ten was now an alliance of three."

I don't think there's any argument about that point. Start chopping

The other thing is that you repeat the same concepts in different ways where the single well-turned phrase ought to be enough e.g.:
"...his immense warhammer ended many a man in the grip of such a mighty warrior, though such a fearsome man was a most worthy opponent for any warrior he was not invincible"

Might I suggest instead?

"His immense warhammer, wielded with a seasoned warrior's expertise, ended many a mighty foe though Troden, fearsome as he was and contrary to rumour, was not invincible."

Sorry, not trying to rewrite it for you, or saying that I've come up with a well-turned phrase myself, but you need to get a lot tougher on yourself.

That said, you definitely have a feel for this kind of writing, and you explain the situation well. Take on board Scalem X's comment, it's valid.

I know you said don't mention punctuation and capital's, but don't you think that since so many people mention it, you should deal with it? Clean it up! and don't be downhearted - I liked it. You can definitely do this.

 

[chrispenycate]

Thank you, scalem. I'd downloaded it but that was much better.

No punctuation correction? Looks as if I'm out of a job. How about grammar and spelling, or even sentence structure? Internal logic? They all are in need of work- and I personally find this detracts from the reading experience, even when I'm not in analitic mode.
Going from the battlefield to a detailed description of a commander is distracting- cutting to the political history of the region even more so. The choice of weaponry and armour is not very practical, and the "benevolence" of the peace loving union improbable. The story doesn't flow well enough to cover these problems (many stories have dragged their readers on through massed impobabilities by sheer momentum, and it's only when the dust has cleared and the dead buried that you say "well, that wasn't very likely, was it?")
It needs work: tidying up, tightening up. and all the mechanical details polishing. It needs focus and continuity.

I'm sorry if I seem too negative, but this excerpt (and I'm forced to assume the rest of the story) isn't ready yet.