King Donut's Film Review & Info Centre

[King Donut]

If you want to know what a movie is about, just ask.

 

[King Donut]

AUSTIN POWERS IN GOLDMEMBER

For no-one there who hasn't seen it yet are expecting this to turn out like the last Austin Powers movie then your wrong! The opening sequence is funnier than anything in any of the other Austin Powers films. Do not miss the beginning! If you walk in late, you might as well go home and come back another day. It manages to spoof "M:I-2", pop music and "Sinigin' In The Rain" before the movie actually starts. After the fantastic opening, there's a 10-15 minute of old jokes from the originals. The new "Sssh/Zip it!" is "Scotty don't" and is getting boring...
We are later introduced to Foxxy Cleopatra and Goldmember himself. He's good but not as funny as Dr. Evil or the others (except Fat *******), just okay.
The appearance of Michael Caine as Austin's dad, Nigel Powers, makes the film even funnier.
Not only that but you have a great flash-back sequence following young Austin and young Master Evil, roommates in school. They're friends, but also in competition over the school's top honor, the position of International Man of Mystery.
We're introduced to loads of new characters, like the Japanese businessman Mr. Roboto, as well as some old characters like Fat *******, Scott Evil, etc... Sadly missing from this film, though, is the Moustapha character. But he died in 1969 in the second one so i guess it isn't much of a surprise.
Oh yeah, and what happened to Felicity Shagwell? She just disappeared! But who cares? You just forget about her in the first few minutes of the movie! It's that good - I do recommend this flick. It is funnier than the last two movies and has some all new jokes. The best bits are the beginning, the "sharks with frickin' lasers on their frickin' heads!", the statue scene, another the-shadow-looks-like-they're-doing-something-weird joke, the subtitles shown on white background when characters speak Japanese, the ending and tons of others. I dare you to go and see it and not laugh...
Apart from NHumber 2 and frau hardly do anything in this movie, the only things wrong with are the same as the second movie: parts of this film just don't belong. Most scenes don't flow into each other. The prison scene with Dr. Evil & Mini Me was out of place and downright uncomfortable. The jokes you laughed in the first two films aren't funny anymore. But "Goldmember" has plenty of all-new jokes so go see it instead of "Spider-Man"...even though i'd give this movie the same rating as "Spider-Man". It's just a tiny bit better.

 

[King Donut]

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[King Donut]

THE HOUSE MOVIES

There isn't really much to say about these movies and i just can't make the reviews any longer. I guess I'll review all of them on one page.


HOUSE (4/10)

Horror novelist roger Cobb moves into a spooky house where his son disappears in a swimming pool outside. While he's in the house he picks up some clues on his son's disappearance. A couple of spooky stuff happens here and there with a couple of crazy looking monsters appear and kitchen knives, axes ect. start to attack him...I think we've heard of all this stuff before. I used to love this movie and I watched it again after a few years and thought it was just a little bit stupid...the sequel, House II: The Second Story, is worse.

HOUSE II (2/10)

This is definitive proof that horror sequels really are bad. I'd give this movie 4/10. The sequel to the spooky 'House' isn't scary at all. It's more comedy than horror. A very stupid comedy which really shouldn't be given the '15' rating. It is slightly similar to the first movie only wierder and more travelling to other dimensions and parallel universes only the 'monsters' are more dumb and sometimes cute (check out the freaky half-dog, half-slug creature from the jungle universe). All what it is about is this guy called Jesse moves into the house and does some research on a magical skull which brings his great, great grandfather back from the dead who isn't actually evil. (What?!)It could be the only zombie movie where the zombie doesn't turn evil no matter how kind he/she was before their death. Avoid this movie now!

HOUSE III (5/10)

Guts. Decapitated heads. Brains. Eyeballs. Blood, bones and body bits. Oh, and an axe murderer too. This is House III: THE HORROR SHOW. On the box cover it reads "...scary as hell!" What could go wrong? It just seemed like the perfect sequel. What was wrong is that it's absolutely NOTHING to do with the House movies! The House looks different, (I'm not sure it's the same house either) no journies to other dimensions, no stupid monsters (well, okay, that's not that bad...) or anything. It just wasn't the same. I'd give this film something like 5/10 but it's just nothing like a "House" film...
Anyway, the story is this psycho axe murderer dies but comes back from the dead to make the policeman who arrested him his life a living hell by killing a couple of people and make him think he's going crazy by popping up on the TV screen and no one else notices. In the end he tries to kill him but he dies for real...or did he? Apparently, yes. That's one thing that still makes this a "House" movie...

Sorry, I've not got the fourth - I've not seen it yet.

 

[King Donut]

THE CROCODILE HUNTER: COLISION COURSE

Whoa, crikey! Dija see that?! This is a movie about Steve Irwin the Croc Hunta who thinks that jumpin' n fallin' over while chasin' a snake, croc or summin'! Is that funny? No! It even starts with 'im doin' that - how many times does he have to miss the thing and fall face down FLAT? Crikey, it ain't dinky-di, mate!
And like wasn't that Brazzie just pathetic and seriously unfunny? What a dumb character!
A HUGE croc has innocently swallowed a top secret US satellite beacon, these American special agents sent to retrieve it but Steve thinks they're poachers! Crikey! And why did we get a load a scenes where he's talkin' bout snakes n spiders n stuff like he's still on the Discov'ry Channel - it takes AGES for him to find the croc and then we get a plot! And the plot wasn't much of a whopper! Crikey!
So dija see that? If not, it was unfunny, plotless (lots of flies goes into my eyes) hey! Nick off! 'N; it was just plain ol' stupid, silly entertainment fer the kids. Crikey, what a bad film!
This Summer...crocs suck!

 

[King Donut]

SE7EN

We've all committed a sin of envy when someone wins the Lottery. Who hasn't been so greedy that he or she ate all the donuts back at school in the canteen? Things like this can drive somebody onto a biblical rampage - and in SE7EN, it does.
When Detective Somerset (Morgan Freeman), just a few days from retirement, and Detective Mills (Brad Pitt), the new guy replacing him, find the murdered body of a huge fat man, they refuse to believe this is a random act of violence. Sure enough, after Mills' investigation of a seemingless unrelated case throws up the word "Greed" written in the dead lawyer's own blood, Somerset discovers a note with "Gluttony" written on it in the previous victim's apartment.
As each sin is portrayed by the killer (aka John Doe), the two detectives gradually draw closer to his identity. But as each day passes, another body and another note is found. It is only a matter of time before Doe completes his "masterpiece" and disappears forever.
Reading the original source material - the screenplay - one sees yet another buddy-cop film. The two detectives naturally don't get along, and of course one's about to retire. The captain exists more or less to tell his detectives they're wasting their time and out of line (he does not, however, attempt to take their badges and guns). By the end, the two heroes are (in Somerset's words) "for the first time ever, in total agreement."
There's even a Stallone-style punchline in the original script, which has Somerset executing John Doe and announcing, "I'm retiring!"
But it's funny really. When you watch SE7EN, you don't notice any of that.
But even though the film is brilliant, unique, etc. I couldn't get over the fact that such a wonderfully written and directed film has some stupid, obvious flaws in it, that I picked up on during my first viewing!
The "keep out" sign on the INSIDE of the door? How did it even get there? Did they put it there and climbed out the window? Not likely. How did Somerset know to slip his knife through the door at that exact point in the door?
Later is the conversation in the bathroom when they are shaving their chests for the wires. I believe Mills said something like "Uhh" and then somerset says "Huh?"
What was the point of that scene? I was waiting anxiously to find out what Mills was holding back only to be left hanging. Now a big flaw but noticeable.
Also, when Doe dropped his grocery bag and started shooting I was definitely surprised. I believe the only reason for this was to give the detectives a reason to chase him, and thus get Mills in the situation where Doe puts the gun to his head for a few seconds and then leaves, foreshadowing that Doe still has some purpose for him. I could easily conceive of a few better ways to write that part... and I'll have to echo someone else's response that it seemed like they were chasing the Phantom of the Opera.
One of the promblems with this movie is Brad pitt's character - Mills is impatient, cocky, arrogant and whining and swearing throughout the whole movie. But when the ending (one of the best endings EVER!) comes up you can see why he's best like this and shouldn't be more like Somerset.
I've seen this movie loads of times now and is one of my favourites. If you haven't seen it, then see it right now! make sure you get the DVD because the special features are fantastic. This movie gets nine out of ten. By the way, did I say you should see this movie? Well, I'll say it again: SEE THIS NOW.

 

[King Donut]

SIGNS

Hello. Here, right in front of me, is a real live alien who starred in M. Night Shyamalan's new movie "Signs". And yes, the aliens were real! All of it was real.
"In Bucks County, Pennsylvania, a five-hundred-foot crop circle is found on the farm of Graham Hess (Gibson), the town's reverend. The circles cause a media frenzy and test Hess's faith as he journeys to find out the truth behind the crop circles." That was the Plot Outline according to IMDb. So, Mr. Alien, coul -

What *********.

Oh...?

What a bleedin' rip-off! Me and my mates met Mr. Shyamalaananalawhatever and he said the exact same thing. I mean, our crop circles were hardly in the movie!

Well, yes, I suppose they could of talked about the crop circles more and not make a big fuss about it in the trailer or on the posters. But -

Damn right! Or, as they say on my planet, R$UFVghf Ka-ka-kaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! The movie is not just about us aliens. It's about faith and religion. I tell ya - we had a romance scene between me and a female alien actress. And loads more with us. But the director took it all out and focused on the humans too much.

Yes...but...I'd still say it was a good movie. Er, a human movie. I mean, "Unbreakable" was about superheroes and all, but it wasn't the usual guys-in-colourful-costumes-and-underwear stuff. And that Brazillian birthday party clip was freaky! Very well filmed. One of the scariest films I've ever seen, nine outta ten!

I'd give it zero. And what's with the water? Water is NOT our weakness. Syamalalalalaaanaa lied when he said this movie was going to be a documentary called "Zoobogs And Their Wonderful Crop Circles". I mean, most of the Earth IS water! We wouldn't of stood a chance if water was our real weakness.

Well, yeah, not every movie is perfect...

This movie had more plot holes than a gold course. End of interview!

But...we haven't even started yet! I gotta ask you some questions first...

Who cares?

One last thing?

What?

Well, this is a spiler so if you haven't seen the movie yet then I sugest you leave.

I already HAVE seen the damn movie!

I was talking to the people reading this. Anyway, when you were banging on the doors and everything in that scene in the basement - which is an amazing scene, by the way, it's terrifying - why did you really leave? I heard that you were actually trying to kill the humans.

We were trying to kill them. Everything with us actually happened. My friend really did lose his finger! Mel Gibson still has it...

Um...

Okay - I said "Have you tried knocking the door down? Run against the walls? making lots of scary noises? Yes? And the door didn't open? Right, **** it, let's go home."

Very intresting...
okay, thanks Mr. Alien. So there you go - my review. He was in a bad mood. Anyway, if you liked "The Sizth Sense" and "Unbreakable" (I did) then you might like this. It's very scary and better than "The Sixth Sense". I didn't think it was as good as "Unbreakable" though. So...did I mention that it was REALLY GOOD?! Well, here you go, IT WAS REALLY GOOD! Film of the year! Nine out of ten! "Signs" rules!!!

(cough)

You can leave now, Mr. Alien...





[edited for language by Tabitha - c'mon KD you know this is a family site]