timekiller
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2006
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- 56
i found this on wotmania.com incase you've seen it before.
Ladys and Gentelmen i give you the ASOIAF badass!
ASOIAF BADASS OF THE WEEK #1: RANDYLL TARLY
Randyll Tarly is the true badass of Westeros. I know some people give **** about Loras being all that or Arthur Dayne punching mutha's heads off one-handed whilst he takes a leak, but that's just empty posturing. All true Ice & Fire Singers know that Randyll Tarly is the craziest ***** to have ever wielded a sword in the Seven Kingdoms. Azhor Azhai? Lightweight. Tarly woudn't have needed some crazy magical glowing sword to beat those weird ice mothers, he'd have just bent over in front of them and blinded them. In Westeros, the sun does shine out of Tarly's backside. Interestingly, Westeros' seasons had been regular until a distant ancestor of Randyll's became irate when winter came several days early. His fury was such that the planet's very orbital path became erratic and random.
Randyll Tarly's martial acumen was noted from birth. His mother had just finished delivering him when some kind of crazy ninja assassin from Asshai (who'd been kicked out of the Faceless Men for being too hard) broke in and tried to kill Tarly, right there. Tarly, being born badass, simply whipped his own umbilical cord around the assassin's neck and strangled him to death.
Tarly's sheer talent for awesomeness continued to grow as he got older. He started having to shave from the age of five. From the age of seven, no normal razor could contain his virile beard, so he had to use Heartsbane itself. Randyll Tarly's chin is no stranger to Valyrian steel.
Tarly took part in his first tourney at the age of nine and beat Ser Barristan Selmy and Ser Arthur Dayne senseless in his first bout. The incident was hushed up on King Aegon's orders, who wanted to retain Randyll as some kind of Weapon of Mass-Badassery to use on his foes.
Upon becoming Lord of Horn Hill, Randyll's rise to bad assery continued. He wore out several wives, as no female womb could contain the sheer power of Randyll's ejaculant. After the spectacular death of his first wife Valerie, blasted through the ceiling of his bedchamber up to a height of three thousand feet, his member was nicknamed the Doom of Valerie.
During the War of the Usurper, Randyll was held in reserve whilst lesser men were sent to battle the upstart Robert Baratheon. Finally getting pissed off at sitting out some serious arse-kicking, Tarly decided to lead Mace Tyrell's vanguard into battle at Ashford. The vanguard consisted of 1) Randyll Tarly and 2) Mace Tyrell's van. To make things fairer for Robert, Randyll disdained the use of Heartsbane and elected only to use his fists and whatever was in the van, including the legendary furry-dice to mocking the old Baratheon motto ("We are the furry!". Randyll used the furry dice as nunchukas and single-handedly wiped out 30% of Robert's army. The Baratheons fled, Robert cunningly retconning his motto (to the less-impressive "We are the fury!" to erase his shame.
Randyll Tarly was next ordered to lay siege to Storm's End, which he did single-handedly. Under his watch, no food or drink entered Storm's End by land or sea. When Mace Tyrell assumed command of the siege, it proved less effective. By now it was feared that Randyll's sheer bad assery on the battlefield was making the Baratheons start to give in, thus ending the war without any really cool fights taking place, so Randyll was retired to make things fairer. At this time Rhaegar confided to Tarly that he needed somewhere to stash Lyanna, so Randyll offered the use of his Tower of Joy (named by a barely-alive wife for his prodigious member), a sweet pimp pad in the Red Mountains. After the war, Robert begged Randyll to take the throne due to his superior skill, but Randyll disdained the crown as being king was "kinda rubbish," and retired to Horn Hill to chill.
After the war Randyll finally had a couple of sons. Unfortunately, the elder one turned out to be some kind of wimp who liked music and stories rather than riding into battle on a lame three-legged mule armed with a spatula against a horde of Dothraki bloodscreamers (or, as Randyll called it, "a mild break on the continent,". Randyll was not impressed and eventually had the fat boy sent to the Wall, reasoning that the boy would have to be moderately bad-ass just to survive. As with all things Tarly, this was Hard, but Fair. Luckily, Randyll's second son Dickon took more after his father, killing a moose bare-handed at the age of six after it looked at him funny. That day Randyll knew true pride.
I giveth you: Randyll Tarly. No ass has ever been badder.
Ladys and Gentelmen i give you the ASOIAF badass!
ASOIAF BADASS OF THE WEEK #1: RANDYLL TARLY
Randyll Tarly is the true badass of Westeros. I know some people give **** about Loras being all that or Arthur Dayne punching mutha's heads off one-handed whilst he takes a leak, but that's just empty posturing. All true Ice & Fire Singers know that Randyll Tarly is the craziest ***** to have ever wielded a sword in the Seven Kingdoms. Azhor Azhai? Lightweight. Tarly woudn't have needed some crazy magical glowing sword to beat those weird ice mothers, he'd have just bent over in front of them and blinded them. In Westeros, the sun does shine out of Tarly's backside. Interestingly, Westeros' seasons had been regular until a distant ancestor of Randyll's became irate when winter came several days early. His fury was such that the planet's very orbital path became erratic and random.
Randyll Tarly's martial acumen was noted from birth. His mother had just finished delivering him when some kind of crazy ninja assassin from Asshai (who'd been kicked out of the Faceless Men for being too hard) broke in and tried to kill Tarly, right there. Tarly, being born badass, simply whipped his own umbilical cord around the assassin's neck and strangled him to death.
Tarly's sheer talent for awesomeness continued to grow as he got older. He started having to shave from the age of five. From the age of seven, no normal razor could contain his virile beard, so he had to use Heartsbane itself. Randyll Tarly's chin is no stranger to Valyrian steel.
Tarly took part in his first tourney at the age of nine and beat Ser Barristan Selmy and Ser Arthur Dayne senseless in his first bout. The incident was hushed up on King Aegon's orders, who wanted to retain Randyll as some kind of Weapon of Mass-Badassery to use on his foes.
Upon becoming Lord of Horn Hill, Randyll's rise to bad assery continued. He wore out several wives, as no female womb could contain the sheer power of Randyll's ejaculant. After the spectacular death of his first wife Valerie, blasted through the ceiling of his bedchamber up to a height of three thousand feet, his member was nicknamed the Doom of Valerie.
During the War of the Usurper, Randyll was held in reserve whilst lesser men were sent to battle the upstart Robert Baratheon. Finally getting pissed off at sitting out some serious arse-kicking, Tarly decided to lead Mace Tyrell's vanguard into battle at Ashford. The vanguard consisted of 1) Randyll Tarly and 2) Mace Tyrell's van. To make things fairer for Robert, Randyll disdained the use of Heartsbane and elected only to use his fists and whatever was in the van, including the legendary furry-dice to mocking the old Baratheon motto ("We are the furry!". Randyll used the furry dice as nunchukas and single-handedly wiped out 30% of Robert's army. The Baratheons fled, Robert cunningly retconning his motto (to the less-impressive "We are the fury!" to erase his shame.
Randyll Tarly was next ordered to lay siege to Storm's End, which he did single-handedly. Under his watch, no food or drink entered Storm's End by land or sea. When Mace Tyrell assumed command of the siege, it proved less effective. By now it was feared that Randyll's sheer bad assery on the battlefield was making the Baratheons start to give in, thus ending the war without any really cool fights taking place, so Randyll was retired to make things fairer. At this time Rhaegar confided to Tarly that he needed somewhere to stash Lyanna, so Randyll offered the use of his Tower of Joy (named by a barely-alive wife for his prodigious member), a sweet pimp pad in the Red Mountains. After the war, Robert begged Randyll to take the throne due to his superior skill, but Randyll disdained the crown as being king was "kinda rubbish," and retired to Horn Hill to chill.
After the war Randyll finally had a couple of sons. Unfortunately, the elder one turned out to be some kind of wimp who liked music and stories rather than riding into battle on a lame three-legged mule armed with a spatula against a horde of Dothraki bloodscreamers (or, as Randyll called it, "a mild break on the continent,". Randyll was not impressed and eventually had the fat boy sent to the Wall, reasoning that the boy would have to be moderately bad-ass just to survive. As with all things Tarly, this was Hard, but Fair. Luckily, Randyll's second son Dickon took more after his father, killing a moose bare-handed at the age of six after it looked at him funny. That day Randyll knew true pride.
I giveth you: Randyll Tarly. No ass has ever been badder.
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