Lacedaemonian - New Chapter

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Lacedaemonian

A Plume of Smoke
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I have not wrote for ages but was reading some of my efforts and felt somewhat inspired to try and redeem this story.

I have posted several extracts in this critiques section before, all based in the same story. I keep fiddling around with my prose trying to find a comfort zone, and have also tried out different story telling modes for my tale.

This new effort is what I am seriously considering as the mode in which I intend to deliver the story. The idea is to have several characters interrogated throughout the story, with the odd backflash from time to time to tease the reader. I want to create as much relevation as possible. With the story twisting around the various stories told, I envisage the tale all coming to a head when perhaps it is too late for the Interrogators to react.

This extract is far from polished and was literally knocked out in my lunch break today. However, I am quite pleased with it. Not only did I find a name for one of my central characters, but also a personality. Emerald Fields will be my Chorus in many respects. He grew up with my Hero (Danae) and was his Shieldman at the Spurn (and probably a whole lot more).

The Interrogators are currently the Cardinal (Have not built his character) and the Princess (Not got many ideas for her yet). Both characters need names and I think I need more interrogators to thicken the plot.

Anyway this intro is quite large and so is the extract. I apologise to those who read it and send also my gratitude for taking the time. I know it is a chore reading critiques.
 
Emerald Fields - Interview

“Just lets me tell it likes I seen it. Let mine words guide yours minds to a history that is mine life entwined as it was with that o’ the greatest warrior of this age. Though some say mine boy brother Crimson could smite him down in half a shudder of the heart, I knows different. These eyes, sparkling bright, that you look-see into presently have stared deep into the duller less fortunately beautiful eyes of my boy brother Crimson and sort out that truth. Aye I says it now and I says it loud in clear, my little ankle biter brother would be going to his own execution fighting the good constable.”

“They say that Crimson Fields slew half a battalion of Swallow Foot Knights.”

“Aye tis true he did mine Princess. Though they forgets to mention that he hads Ash at his side at the time.”

“And who is this Ash?”

Emerald swung his head round, as if annoyed by the sudden interruption from the Cardinal, but then flashed a smile and continued his story, “I forgets yous don’t know mine kin. How does I puts mine brother Ash into words? Of the things that Ash is and does, the mostest important of all is that he keeps Crimsons vanity from flourishing out of hand. Lets him knows that all the nice things peoples says about dear boy brother Crimson is all a steaming mound of ****. People thinks he is crazy but I knows different. He has the clearest eye for truth in this world of heroes and villains. Nobody argues with Ash Fields. He is right we are all wrong.”

“You paint pretty pictures of your family Fields. The clans are filled with heroes you would me believe?”

“Nay just the one, but he is the only true hero of this tale. Of this world in truth. He is the slayer of heroes. And villains too Cardinal…. The south have sent their heroes forth and they were annihilated. The Reservation sent the last hero of their age forth too. Ah Ferrol Blu. I played a wordless dirge when we buried him. Couldn’t summon the words. Just plucked at me harp and wept freely like a little girl, pardon me expression Princess.”

“Ferrol Blu is dead?”

“Danae killed the Commander of the Swallow Foot Knights?”

Emerald startled by the Princess’s reaction of seemingly genuine anguish returned his gaze back to the Cardinal. Who’s reaction was so polarised Emerald felt his heckles rise. “To us ere mortals he shall never be seen. Gone where the elves go when they go. Where does the heathens go Cardinal?”

“They wander lost for eternity.”

“I likes that, they wander lost for eternity, I hopes I goes there whens I dies. Sounds utterly magical does it not Princess?”

“Not particularly Emerald.”

“Rest assured it is not magical and you are going there Fields.”

“I is? Danae says we shall never die him and me. Says that we sold our souls to the devil when we weres kids. Stupid promises made to some crazy marsh witch. Can not be any truth in it me thinks? Can you lift curses Cardinal; I likes the idea of wandering lost for eternity? Sounds better each times I hear mine self says it. Magical.”

“So you now would have us believe that Danae can not perish?”

“Not mine words Cardinal. Were you not taking notes? The blithering marsh witch saids them there words. Ugly as sin she was, aye and the brother Ash… you knows what he says when we sees her. ‘I saw her first lads’. He would lie with out with a heart beat he would. Or perhaps he could sees what we coulds not. Perhaps the marsh witch was something more than we weres supposed to knows. Ash to this day swears she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Mind he was only thirteen then, at quite an impressionable age.”

“Thirteen?” The Princess looked utterly bewildered.

“Aye he was early to the heather was our brother Ash.”

“That is not what I meant. Ash was one of the fifty who defeated my cousin at the Spurn?”

“Aye and Crimson was there too with a bow and arrow and getting under our feet the whole time. It was very embarrassing for Ash and me, having our ten year old brother along with us, buts our father was ten years dead at the Betrayal and mother was a little touched in the head. Kept saying she was going to eat little Crimson. Well we hated the little ******* but we could not leave him to that fate. Thought we’d get him killed at the Spurn.
Aye but the lads loved him. You see we’s were just bairns playing soldiers, but I guesses that wi Crimson being there we felts like we were’s older. When battle took us into its dark midst the lads fought a defensive shield around Crimson. I prayed the whole time for an arrow to take him but it never came. People love Crimson to which I doesn’t understand, he is the dullest little boy that plopped out of my mother’s cunny. Pardon the expression princess. But when he kills three men, he claims he killed more but that is childish fancy, when he is only ten years into this life then people tend to hero worship.
The real truth and one which Ash reminds Crimson with regularity is that Danae killed half a thousand men. The clans did not want to love Danae and so they loved Crimson instead. It is a betrayal to the memory of that day. The Duke sent out twenty or so sons of nobles and merchants to wet their swords and make a spectacle of us. Whilst we huddled wet and cold and filling our breaches with piss and ****, Danae rode/strode out to meet them at the Spurn. After a short discussion Danae killed them all. He was always a shy boy, not comfortable expressing himself in large groups.”

“What did he say to them?” She leant forward in her chair.

“Ah lass I could not hear a single word over the top of the crying noises coming out of mine mouth. Ash swears he could read his lips, but alas Ash is crazy. I told you about the marsh witch did I not?”

“Yes you did. What did Ash say he read on Danae’s lips?”

“I will avenge your deaths.” Emerald paused and looked down at his bare feet. “Doesn’t mean much to me, not at all. What does you thinks it means Cardinal? I think perhaps Ash was lying. Though Ash never lies. Not ever to me his kin and eldest brother. Canst I bereft you of some of that fine honeysuckle flavoured water mine princess?”

“Forgive my poor hospitality Emerald.” She begged reaching for the jug of water.

“Nay princess stay your fine hand. The bodyguard wi haunted eyes that see passed mine every word will fetch it.” He looked long and hard into the bodyguard’s eyes, and once again wondered what it was that he saw there.

“Hospitality? You are a prisoner not a guest. An enemy of this kingdom, a heathen warrior. You are an enemy of the church and will be crucified as befits your crime.”

He looked at the Cardinal with a mask of shock and horror. “I aint never killed a man in my life, never mind a man of the south or a man of the church. I likes the ideas of your church and was thinking o’ becoming one o’ those ere Spreaders of the Divine Word that you send up north to tries and divide the clans. I likes them, they makes some interesting arguments about heavens and hells and that there only being just the one gods and we’s being wrong about everything. I loves them. Ash used to kills them before Danae stayed his hand. Says ‘It is their master who will perish not these here innocent men’. I likes the constable too; he never killed a man who did not outright ask to be killed.
I sometimes asks mine self the question, who in their right minds would ask that question of the good constable? Seems to me it would be a fool’s game to go dancing down that ever so dark road with Danae.”

“I will not sit here and listen to a heathen threaten the Emperor and his people.”

“I wouldn’t either yours worships. Oh sorry you means me?
Princess I assures you I never made no threats ever. Never had no bone with the Emperor neither. Got no bones with no man me. I loves the Emperor but I tells the I loves his daughter more. Never rolled in the heather with a woman before. Peoples says I am a queer one for not wanting to. I says that I never met a girl who tickles mine fancy. I tells the I have thought of little else this passed year. Aye it is true Princess; you have captured the heart of Emerald Fields. Alas you have doomed me to live a life of lonesome sorrow. I shall never knows a woman’s touch. I feel the tears coming, Cardinal be a good man and sees me to my room please.”

“What? Guards take the prisoner back to the dungeons!”

“Thank you good man.” Emerald swooped in a ridiculous bow, his hands fluttering in front of him and his chin on his chest.

“Actually take him into the Deeps, he is too high spirited for a heathen.”

“Ah bless you Cardinal. A room without a view, suits my mood it does. I shall contemplate in all innocence the love of my life. Princess please find it in your heart to forgive me for being such poor company today…” Crack. The pommel of sword cracked into the side of his jaw. “Who blew out the candles? Cardinal fetch some servants to relight the candles, we can not have the Princess sitting in darkness..” Crack. What was that noise? Emerald thought to himself before slipping into darkness……

They stood there huddled on the fell. Fifty boys not yet men. (Flows into the story of the battle of the Spurn from Emerald Green’s perspective).
Thank you to those who reached these words. :)

And I apologise to those who did not. :(
 
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I also apologise for any offence caused by some of my use of language. Should really have posted this before the extract. Ah no harm done. Not like anybody will read it. :)
 
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75 views and not a peep! Either people don't want to hurt my feelings or the google bots are raping this extract. God damn them! I will be back online tomorrow to post the Battle of The Spurn. If I put enough skive time in at work. :)
 
You got the beginnings of an exciting story here. You wrote this during lunch? That's pretty impressive.
 
The heavy use of dialect is hard for most people to read, Lace. That may be putting people off of reading what you've posted.
 
It's an affected speach. That is he uses it to over dramatise his speech. I would consider revising it to a degree, and was certain that I had not got it right the first time.

Thank you both for taking the time to read it.
 
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I have to agree with Teresa, the language is a little hard to trawl through. Haven't read it all, and when time permits I'll try come back to it and do a more thorough critique, but it does have promise. Tone back the dialogue one or two notches - so that it's still distinct but not intimidatingly so - and I think you'll be doing well.
 
A very interesting sotry, caputred my attention. However, as some of the posters mentioned, it was a bit difficult to follow the speech of the Emerald. Dialects are well and good to set your character but when it is difficult to follow, it could put off some readers. My advice would be to tone it down a little, but obviously try to keep the fact he has an accent/way of speaking that is different.

I was quite intrigued with your characters, and there is a hint of something bigger there, with rerences to armies and battles - I'd certainly be interested in reading more. However, I have no idea about any of the characters (emerald, Princess, Cardinal), what they look like etc. There was very little description of anything. For example, the room they were in, what was it? where was it?

I'll look forward to other parts.
 
I think this is some decent stuff. Emerald Fields tells an interesting story, with just enough hints at past events (the Betrayal, etc) to add flavour to the story. There's a couple of punctuation mistakes (commas missing, etc.) but I'm not going to bother with all that stuff, 'cos generally you've no real problem there.

I see why people find the dialect heavy, and I do agree that it can be a bit so, but since this is one character in what I expect to be a cast of three or more telling their tales, I don't mind it. I think it adds a bit of spice and differentiation, and I got used to his way of speaking towards the end. The passages about his mum and stuff made him seem quite real, so mission accomplished there, I think. I'd just like to say, be careful that you follow this guy's rules of speach throughout - I don't know if there are any slip ups anywhere in here, but if he says "mine Princess" now, make sure he always does.

The dialogue is generally well written and I didn't lose interest throughout the piece, but I do think it needs a bit more stage direction in there, too. Personally, I've never been a fan of hefty monologues in fiction, so this might be just me. This bit of dialogue stuck out in particular as being lengthy:

Lacedaemonian said:
“Aye and Crimson was there too with a bow and arrow and getting under our feet the whole time. It was very embarrassing for Ash and me, having our ten year old brother along with us, buts our father was ten years dead at the Betrayal and mother was a little touched in the head. Kept saying she was going to eat little Crimson. Well we hated the little ******* but we could not leave him to that fate. Thought we’d get him killed at the Spurn.
Aye but the lads loved him. You see we’s were just bairns playing soldiers, but I guesses that wi Crimson being there we felts like we were’s older. When battle took us into its dark midst the lads fought a defensive shield around Crimson. I prayed the whole time for an arrow to take him but it never came. People love Crimson to which I doesn’t understand, he is the dullest little boy that plopped out of my mother’s cunny. Pardon the expression princess. But when he kills three men, he claims he killed more but that is childish fancy, when he is only ten years into this life then people tend to hero worship.
The real truth and one which Ash reminds Crimson with regularity is that Danae killed half a thousand men. The clans did not want to love Danae and so they loved Crimson instead. It is a betrayal to the memory of that day. The Duke sent out twenty or so sons of nobles and merchants to wet their swords and make a spectacle of us. Whilst we huddled wet and cold and filling our breaches with piss and ****, Danae rode/strode out to meet them at the Spurn. After a short discussion Danae killed them all. He was always a shy boy, not comfortable expressing himself in large groups.”

When there's a big piece like this, and then all that happens is another character says one line, and then it pours into another, it can be a bit too much. Like I say, might be my own thing that, and I'm not sure how you could break it up. Meh, this is a fairly minor point.

Overall, very good. I found some of your other bits and pieces too difficult to place in a context and couldn't tell how they carried on from each other (or even if they did), but this is a lot more focused. I would like to read more :)

PS - just read the above post, and I agree you could do with some more description of the scene, the characters. Once you've fleshed them out more in your own mind, you should be able to do this quite easily, perhaps breaking up the dialogue at the same time.
 
It seems I join the throng a little late, but I'll admit that I quite liked this as well. I do agree with Socrates that you need to break up the dialogue a little with something from the surrounding setting. At the moment it is almost entirely dialogue. I know it's an interrogation, but surely there is something in the surrounding setting worthy of note. What does Emerald focus on? What does he note about the reactions of his interrogators? Could he comment in thought about how they appear, what they're wearing etc?

The dialect issue is a difficult one. Dialect can be great to give a character flavour, but you need to be careful that it's not too strong, or it may turn away many before they get to know the person you are painting. At first I thought I'd stumbled back in time to 'talk like a pirate day'! I found it difficult to follow the speech at times, but this wasn't helped by some poor punctuation in places. I think if it were more carefully punctuated, some of the speech would scan a lot more easily (sorry, but I don't have time to dot every 'i' and cross every 't' here). Also there are a few occasions of 'the' used instead of 'thee' and some other minor typos like the 'm' missing from 'mere' which confused the sense of sentences on occasion.

I'll be intrigued to see the polished version, Lace. I've enjoyed reading some of your previous work, so I'll try to keep an eye open for your next effort at this.
 
Let me first of all thank you all for taking the time to read my piece.

Some points:

I never post polished pieces as a rule. I don't see why I should! :)

I might polish this up a bit and post a more accomplished piece later.

The grammar is bad due to the length of time I spent writing this crap. But also because I am rusty as hell. I also do not care for grammar and basic rules of language when writing, as they only slow down the imaginative process. I apply the technical stuff later. Much later.

Also Socrates and one or two others mentioned about breaking up the scene and throwing in some description etc. I was very much aware of this. Two things:

1 - I do not have a clear image of the setting or the other two/three characters mentioned. Not one that yet satisfies me.
2- I plan on adding other interrogators. But wont just plop them in there willy nilly. I need to find them a role in the plot and get a feel of them first.

I hope this provides sufficient reason for omitting grammar and half a hundred adjectives. :)

Okay back to the dialect all you people are having trouble with, I intended to water it down a bit and make it more consistant. I agree with what you are saying Green, with regards the consistancy. However, as Emerald is hamming up his dialect it may be inconsistant at times. I would have to nail this though. Mark the 'ere' is actually in place of 'here'. This is a northern dialect feature but also I think a poetic vice. (Tokien had it easier with his eleven languages or so...:()

On a personal level I feel the dialect is is quite fun and colourful, but remains understandable throughout. It worries me that some of the most intelligent members on these boards can not deal with it. Swines. :)

PS Calling the piece 'Lacedaemonian Chapter' was not a mark of vanity. It just makes it easier finding my stuff on these overpopulated boards.
 
I never post polished pieces as a rule. I don't see why I should! :)
And is this why I haven't seen anything published yet by you? ;)

I agree with some of the others... more description. The dialogue was fine to me, for the most part. But I like to create the room they are in and the chairs they sitting on, the smell of their perfumes or stench in my head. MORE DESCRIPTION, Lace. Please. :)
 
Just to add that I read it, and decided that it was deliberately inventing a parallel grammar, thus nothing I could add would be of any use (oh perhaps "out with a heartbeat" I'd have been better as "owt with a heartbeat" and one or two similar oddments; but it certainly doesn't want me trying to cram it into a standard format. So I didn't comment (unfriendly of me, but I know my limits) Quite enjoyed it, though, and, possibly due to experience in how people mangle enlish, didn't find it too difficult to follow.
 
I wrote some stuff that tied in with the above passage. Wow!! The ideas spilled forth. As much as most of you find the above passage poorly written and difficult to understand, it has now become integral to the plot. Emerald must ham the hell out of his accents. He must tell lies. His revelations will be making or breaking of the story. The end of the story is in sight. :)
 
Lacedaemonian said:
It's an affected speech. That is he uses it to over dramatise his speech.

Maybe I'm being incredibly dense here, but I don't really see how dialogue that is impenetrable to a large number of readers is going to enchance the dramatic effect.

Surely, Lace, you are clever enough, and talented enough, to find another way to make your character colorful and dramatic.
 
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