Fantasy story beginnings

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WyndWalker02

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Well, this is my attempt at a fantasy story. I have no idea if it's any good or not, but I would love the feedback of the people here. Thanks in advance for reading it.
I


Shink… Shink…

He could hear the blade sliding on the executioner’s whetstone.

Shink… Shink…

It was a sound he had grown used to in the past few weeks, hearing it every day. It always came just before and just after the magistrate of this gods-less city pronounced sentence on another prisoner.

Shink… Shink…

Today was different, though.

Shink… Shink…

This time the axe was being sharpened for him.

Shink… Shink…

Julian Coraan, rogue and mage extraordinaire, was finally caught. It had been an exhilarating chase, spread throughout the entire city of Threykin. He had scaled rooftops, slunk through dark alleyways, and even dove off one of the many docks in Threykin’s harbor and swam partway across the city trying to get away from the city guard. That had been almost a month ago, by his sense of the passage of days, which could very well be off considering he hadn’t seen the sky since his capture. Now he was stuck here in this dank, rat-infested, hole of a jail, waiting these last few hours before his trial, sentence, and execution.

Shink… Shink…

There was no escape possible. Iron rings on chains attached his wrists and ankles to the cold granite wall at the back of his dark cell. The ones on his wrists were enchanted somehow, successfully preventing him from using any of his magic. He was a halfling, dark hair, brown eyes and only a touch over four feet tall, with strength enough to lift himself to great heights on a building side or rope, but certainly not enough to snap these iron manacles. He had already tried everything he knew to release himself, but nothing had worked.

Shink…

The noise ended. Julian’s blood ran cold. It was time. In just a few moments, the Head Jaoler would be unlocking his door and taking him up to the Magistrate’s offices for sentencing. He heard a loud snap from the direction of the door and suddenly the small cell was flooded with light. Julian yelped and buried his head with his arms, his eyes not used to light after so many days without it.


“Get up, worm.”


An arm accompanied the gruff voice and yanked him to his feet. He felt his manacles falling away with the clash of chains, and then he was roughly shoved toward the door, hands still trying to cover his tender eyes. His arms were pulled around his back, then tied, and he had to squint, trying to get his eyes to adjust as quickly as possible so he’d know better what was going on. The Head Jaoler prodded his back with a short sword, provoking a cry of pain and a number of quick steps forward from his virtually blind charge.


“Get moving. The Magistrate doesn’t like to be kept waiting, especially when his schedule is so full.”


“If the Magistrate’s schedule is so full, maybe I shouldn’t bother him right now, I was finally getting used to that cell and – “ Julian broke off as his captor showed him just what was thought about the rogue’s comment. When he stood back up, head throbbing, they started forward and up a flight of stairs toward the Magistrate’s apartments.


“Wonderful person this Magistrate, living right above the cells...” Julian thought as they walked directly from the damp jail into the Magistrate’s cool, pristine clean housing, with no separation between the two buildings. He was finally able to stop squinting just as they got to the main office, where the Magistrate oversaw all sentencing. The gilded oak door swung open to reveal a decent sized room with a large desk, many bookshelves covered in tomes and artifacts, a large assortment of cushions and pillows for attendants to sit on, and a small podium where the accused stood to receive their hearings. One of the objects decorating the Magistrate’s desk was a small statuette made of gold, created to resemble a full-grown dragon, with two small rubies for eyes and the rest of the body outlined with silver dust melded into the gold.


It was to the podium that Julian was directed, flanked by two of the city guard. He now got his first good look at the Magistrate, a heavyset, balding man in his middle years. Dressed in the finest silks and holding a small scepter, the man certainly could use to have his food supply cut off for a little while. A few weeks perhaps. Julian allowed himself a small smile at the Magistrate’s expense before being roughly shoved forward onto the podium.


“You have been caught stealing objects which are the personal property of the High Magistrate of Threykin, may his illustrious personage live forever.” The court scribe began to drone. “How do you plea?”


“Not guilty.” Julian spat. “It was my impression that the actual ownership of the bloody statuette is somewhat debatable, considering the rather shadowy circumstances under which your ‘High Magistrate’ acquired it.”


The Magistrate began to splutter, shouting about blasphemy and insults. Julian had a hard time making most of it out considering how upset and incoherent the Magistrate was being, but he did understand a few things, like ‘sewer-scum’ and ‘godless son of a pig’. Once the Magistrate calmed down a bit, he slammed his fists down onto his desk.


“You are worthless swine and a bad thief.” Julian’s brow tightened and his back straightened at the latter insult. “You aren’t even worth enough to have the swift death of the Headsman cutting your head off, so I will enjoy watching you hang this afternoon. It’ll just be one less piece of gutter-trash infesting my city. Guards, take him to the cage at the gallows and let him stay there for a few hours before we actually kill him.” With a rotten smile, the Magistrate sat back down as Julian’s flanking guards grabbed his arms and dragged him from the room. He turned his head to spit on one of the elaborately cushioned chairs as he went through the door, earning another clap to the side of his head. He blinked his eyes, trying to clear the stars, but his malnourished body decided it had its own plans and he quietly slipped into the dark.



II



Julian woke a few hours later to water being thrown on him. He cracked his eyes against the onslaught of intense sunlight. He felt too hot, and when he shifted into a sitting position, he saw that his lower legs and arms had been badly sunburned, probably his face and neck as well. He looked around, wincing at the tenderness of his skin.


He was in a small cage, not even four feet tall and not even wide enough for his elbows to be out from his sides more than a foot. The guard who had thrown the water on him was walking away, and two others stood next to the cage he was in. The cage itself was in Threykin’s Gallows Square. Directly inside the city’s north gate, the large gallows, the half a dozen sets of stocks and the numerous cages served to provide adequate warning to tourists of Threykin’s strict system of justice. The largest structure in the entire square was the Magistrate’s personal pavilion. It was a gaudy, disgusting thing: bright red canvas roof, plush chairs for the Magistrate and his friends, and a pair of guards stationed on it every day to deter vandalism and looters. It was on stilts, lifting it up above the crowd and making sure that the Magistrate always had a perfect view at the proceedings. The Magistrate was currently sitting in the largest chair, a massive blue cushioned thing. The square itself was full of gawkers and spectators, apparently come to see the ‘bad thief’ get hanged.


A guard walked up to the cage with a set of keys and opened the door. He roughly grabbed Julian by the scruff of the neck and hauled him out onto the cobblestones. The two guards who had been flanking the cage each grabbed one of his arms and began half walking, half dragging him across the square and up the rough, wooden gallows steps. The executioner was a large man, tall and muscular, wearing a black hood, so as to obscure his identity. He set the loop of twisted rope over the halfling’s head, gently tightening the slipknot against his neck. Julian was turned to face the Magistrate’s pavilion, forced to see all the faces of the citizens come to watch. This was how it was going to end. After all this time, after all the thefts and chases, he was brought down by a corrupted official in a scummy city, surrounded by people who were only here for some entertainment! It was pathetic. He shook his head and looked straight at the plump governor.


“So, worm, do you have any last words?” The rotund man was sweating, despite the shade of his pavilion. Julian nodded slightly.


“Only to point out that you call me a thief, and I agree, I am a thief. Damned proud of it, as a matter of fact. But at least I’m a thief that isn’t ruling a city.” Julian’s voice was dripping with distain. “You, your Eminence, are the worst kind of thief, because you steal from those who look up to you, those who look to you for rulership and guidance. They expect you to help protect them and help them, but you siphon their tax money to buy yourself all the luxuries you can find. You claim to increase the city guard and supply them with better equipment, but you instead take that money and host fancy dinners for your friends. I am a thief, but you are a pilquat.” He literally spat the last word, a halfling epithet not used in polite conversation.


The magistrate stood up, shaking with anger, “I have had all the insolence and insult I will take from you! May your soul be damned for all eternity!” He gestured to the guard on the gallows. The man pulled back on the lever and Julian unceremoniously dropped, only to land on the ground beneath the gallows with the frayed end of the rope hanging around his neck.


The entire square erupted into chaos. The magistrate’s pavilion was on fire, flaming arrows stuck into the canvas. The magistrate was screaming, trying to get off the podium, but guards were blocking the way, as they tried to get down themselves, and were blocked in turn by the panicking citizens.


A wagon tore across the square drawn by a pair of black horses. A tall man wearing a deep blue shirt was driving and a woman stood behind him. She was the one firing the flaming arrows that had already begun reducing the magistrate’s pavilion to ash. As the wagon swung around behind the gallows, a short figure jumped off and ran over to Julian, who was still sitting under the platform, slightly dazed.


“Git up, ya lazy thief! We’re riskin' our hides ta save yer scrawny neck, and ye jus' sit on tha cobblestones!”


Julian smiled at the dwarf and started standing up, though awkwardly, since he still wore the manacles. They ran toward the wagon, which was now stopped between the gallows and the pavilion. The dwarf picked up Julian and threw him into the back of the wagon before jumping in himself.


The magistrate saw the thief being rescued and started toward the wagon, only to have his shout for the guards choked back. A black panther jumped in front of him, growling. He squeaked and fell backwards onto his considerable backside. The panther bared its teeth, then turned and leapt away.


Julian sat up as the driver cracked the reigns and the wagon rocked into motion. They started driving toward the gates. Julian jumped up, almost falling over again as the wagon lurched forward.


“My equipment!” He wailed. The dwarf knocked him down as a crossbow bolt shot through the space where the halfling’s head had been.


“Stay down, Julian.” The driver called back over his shoulder. “We’ve only just saved your neck, quit trying to give it back to them.” He cracked the reigns again, the wagon thundering out of the gates. As they tore down the road Julian looked over the side and saw the black panther sprinting down the road with a small sack in its mouth. The cat sped up, then leapt into the wagon, dropping the sack next to the halfling, who eagerly opened it up and started pulling his belongings out of it.


“Thank you very much, Aurora. I was going to be upset if I’d have lost my tools.” He reached over and rubbed the panther’s right ear. It gave him and eerily human smile. Julian went back to his belongings, opening a worn leather roll and pulling out a delicate looking tool, which he began using in the lock on one of his manacles.


“Good work, elf. If we hadn’t gotten 'is stuff we’d’ve never heard tha end o' it.” The dwarf grunted then settled back against the boards.


The panther sat back on its haunches, and then closed its eyes. After a few seconds it started to shimmer like a mirage. Its shape started to stretch and grow larger. The black fur shrank back into the skin; long black hair started growing from the head and claws retraced back into the paws, which were rapidly growing fingers. The jaw and nose shortened back into the face and the eyes changed from gold to a deep green like the leaves in an ancient forest. A few seconds later and it was done. Instead of a black panther, a young elven woman crouched in the wagon bed.


Aurora was breathtakingly beautiful. Long hair black as ebony flowed down her back and across her shoulders. Her light complexion and slender frame combined to make her appear frail, but people quickly found out she was anything but. She wore a tunic and pants made of soft brown leather and around her neck lay a small, round cut of an ash tree on a leather thong. A druidic rune was carved on it, which she claimed meant “feline soul”. Her friends all believed her, if for no other reason than that no one, including Julian with his extensive knowledge of languages, could read the ancient druidic alphabet. She sat back next to the halfling and watched the landscape slide past.


The land around Threykin consisted mostly of lush, grassy plains that petered out as one traveled north toward the Darkwind Mire. The city itself was a rather large seaport, the main alley of trade headed northwest along the road to the cities of Golgotha, and Arcanim. They were traveling on a stretch known as the Pilgrim’s Way, which continued on for a couple hundred miles, through Golgotha, then stopping at the city of Arcanim before splitting into the Lord’s Path and the Bent Road heading northeast and northwest, respectively, toward the opposite coastlines.


The bow-wielding woman climbed up into the front seat next to the driver. She gently bent her bow and unstrung it, placing the string into a small, oiled pouch and then into her pocket to protect it from water. She carefully laid the wooden bow-shaft along the floor underneath the seat and leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees.


“Easy enough, wasn’t it? I told you it would work, Alastor.” She glanced up at the driver’s face. He smiled and pulled back on the reigns, allowing the horses to slow down.


“I never claimed it wouldn’t work, Ell, just that I didn’t know if the little thief was worth the trouble. You know we’ll not be able to show our faces in Threykin again for months without being arrested.”


“Meh, that’s half the fun. Wouldn’t have been worth it if there weren’t any consequences. You still have all your precious tools, thief?” Elderia turned toward her companions in the wagon bed and put an arm over the back of the seat. Her light blue eyes twinkled above her oddly attractive half-smile. Sunlight shone off her long, golden-blonde tresses and the single, masterfully crafted silver earring she never removed from her left ear.


“-ink so.” Julian mumbled through the delicate metal implements he held in his teeth, nodding. His fingers deftly moved amongst the tiny lock-picks and oddly-shaped bits used in the rogue’s various less-than-legal endeavors as he counted and organized them. The manacles lay on the wagon floor, momentarily forgotten. The dwarf loudly cleared his throat, tamping his elegantly carved pipe with tobacco from a leather pouch he always carried.


“Don’t really matter, do it?” He took a long drag off his pipe, blowing it out into a pair of rings, the smaller one drifting through the middle of the larger one as they flowed through the air. “I ne’er really liked that city t’much anyway. T’many people waiting fer ye ta take yer attention offa yer coin purse so they kin snatch it away. Regardless, it’s a gods-less city; makes me feel unclean.” He gave a grunt and took another drag of his pipe.


“Bryn, whether they have gods or not has nothing to do with your inability to use a bar of soap.” Julian smiled, his silver tooth glinting in the sun.


Tchuk tu’vosh…[1] the dwarf muttered under his breath, the fainted glimmer of a smirk on his face.

*********************************************


Alastor held out his hand to Johanson who took it and shook.


“Good enough, my friend. I shall be here, eagerly awaiting news of your findings.” The old explorer gave a weak smile, obviously trying to keep up hope. “If you have a map, I can give the precise location of the ruins.”


Julian dug a scroll case out of his pack and from it produced a weathered, though well-loved map of the region. Johanson took the grease pencil from behind his ear and placed a small ‘X’ on the map, several leagues southwest of Arcanim. “That is where our camp was located. The ruins are visible directly to the west of that area. Good luck, and may the gods watch over you.”


“They usually do.” Elderia replied with a grin. At that, the group left, going back to the inn to grab their packs and head out. With the sun just about overhead, their wagon rolled out through the southern city gate, headed for the abandoned excavation camp.

They arrived by late afternoon, and as Johanson had said, the ruins were clearly visible from the small copse of trees the abandoned camp was in. The camp consisted of just two small canvas tents and some abandoned equipment: mining picks, a flat-bedded, steep-walled wagon for hauling dirt, and an assortment of more delicate excavation tools.


“The first rule of proper dungeon-delving is that it’s not like burglary,” Julian expounded at one point. “You gain absolutely no advantage by moving in under cover of darkness, and will probably not live long enough to regret it.” The others agreed and unloaded some supplies for the night, setting a small campfire and boiling water for tea. After a meal of roasted meat, soft bread, cheese and a few cups of good, hot tea, everyone began settling into bedrolls.


“D’ye think we’ll be able ta find tha digger’s friend in there?” Bryn was cleaning the bowl of his pipe.


“I’m honestly not sure.” Alastor was running a whetstone along the edges of one of his daggers. “Johanson was rather unclear about what it was that sent him and the rest of his team running. ‘Something roaring in the dark’? Doesn’t give us a lot to go on.



[1] Dwarvish term. Translation: Dirt-sniffer
 
Hi, I really liked your piece, but I'm afraid I've only read part I (you've posted a lot of words there!). I enjoyed your main character and found myself drawn in by your world. Here are a couple of points I came up with:

Firstly, it starts as a bit of an infodump: you seem to be trying to describe his flight all at once. Maybe, rather than just describe what he did to try to get away from the city guard, you could just give a bit at a time. For example, as he tries to sit up on the hard cell floor, he could be reminded of an injury he picked up trying to get away and you could give a part of the story that way. I guess that's the whole 'show don't tell' thing.

Secondly, you say that the manacles stopped him from using his magic, but as he is led away, the manacles are removed. Why doesn't he use his magic then to escape? Maybe he needs to weave an incantation with his hands or something, but it's not explained.

Thirdly, when the Magistrate is blustering about Julian's insult, you say he was shouting about 'blasphemy'. Does he think he's a god? Or is he? I'd have thought a magistrate would be more likely to shout 'libel' (or 'slander' - I can never remember which is which).

These are just some points that I stumbled over in part I. I hope you find them helpful.
 
the fainted glimmer of a smirk
since I can't imagine a smirk fainting, I assume that's "faintest"?
A wagon tore across the square drawn by a pair of black horses.
Needs a comma in the middle to prevent the unfortunate beasts having to tow the town square.
Not worth me doing one of my blitzkrieg attacks on it; the punctuation seems to hold very well; still, dwarves, elves (even shape-shifting elves) and halflings; too many Tolkien races (no, you're hardly the only one guilty of this, but that, if anything, makes it worse) Perhaps it's only me, (coming from science fiction an' all) but I do feel that the standardisation of hominids is becoming excessive.
 
Sounds ok....., you tell more than you show and some of the descriptions are cliche.



Aurora was breathtakingly beautiful. Long hair black as ebony flowed down her back and across her shoulders. Her light complexion and slender frame combined to make her appear frail, but people quickly found out she was anything but. She wore a tunic and pants made of soft brown leather and around her neck lay a small, round cut of an ash tree on a leather thong. A druidic rune was carved on it, which she claimed meant “feline soul”. Her friends all believed her, if for no other reason than that no one, including Julian with his extensive knowledge of languages, could read the ancient druidic alphabet. She sat back next to the halfling and watched the landscape slide past.

So she is Da Awesome, woman, skilled at bows and arrows swords, but is really just cute and as beautifull as a goddess and has an exstensive knowlage of languages... She on first glances an MARY-SUE. and i can probably guess that the thief and this woman will fall in love, am i right?


Change the discription, less info dumping its very bad to stop the Narritive to describe a character. Instead of telling us she is beautifull and has long hair show us. Instead of telling us she is the only one who knows languages show us....

Sorry if i seem harsh....
 
Hi WyndWalker,

I'm a long term fantasy fan so thought I'd comment. Most of my questions are rhetorical and are mentioned as things that came to me while I was reading. Take them or leave them as you choose. Punctuation, grammar, spelling etc. I'll leave up to you and others to correct.

I liked your style overall and there were only a few sections I pushed myself to read rather than losing interest and giving up. The weaker sections were due to what anthorn said - telling now showing.

The description of Julian's capture is interesting while reading the para but the details are soon forgotten because it's all narration. Could be much more involving for the reader, maybe as a first person flashback.

Second para in chapter 2 is too wordy. I nearly stopped reading here.

Why is the thief having such a public hanging - what makes him worthy of it and the governors attendance?

The cage is not consistent. If Julian is a halfling then a 'not even four foot' cage is plenty big enough for him, and if it is a cage then there wouldn't be a problem with his arms only having a foot either side as he could just poke them out of the cage.

Why did the guards 'half drag him' up the steps - why didn't he fully walk?

The 'magistrate' becomes 'governor' in para 3 chapter 2. Maybe change 'personage' to 'governage' or something when he is announced at the first hearing to make it apparent he is also the governor.

When the dwarf arrives to rescue Julian, he still has manacles on - where did they come from? Why would he be manacled in the cage after they had been taken off him for the hearing?

Which brings to me ask, why didn't Julian free himself with his magic as soon as the manacles were removed from him in his cell - or anytime thereafter?

How does the driver know Julian's name? Also at this point in the story Julian seems to be very familliar with the group - I thought it was going to turn into him being one of their group already and this was their rescue attempt, but that never quite panned out and it all got a bit muddled.

Chapter 2 para 16... "Good work Elf" is confusing - where'd the elf come from? Move this short paragraph after where the panther changes to the elf - it flows better and removes the confusion.

Also, why does the elf change into a panther? Elves are pretty fast themselves, able to run vast distances fairly quickly. Need to rationalise how or why she is a panther.

What's up with 'gods-less' - why not 'god-less'? If it is intentional to hint at the fact that many gods exist/are worshipped, it will need to be explained somewhere early on or it just sounds odd.

Finally, what happened after the ********'s and what does the line of **********'s represent? The direction of the story and whole flow falls apart here. It needs to have a lot of connecting information to link the two parts together. I suspect that this story may be based on your time playing Dungeons and Dragons, and this section looks like it's going to turn into an accounting of one of your evenings of playing and dungeon delving.
 
Not bad at all, Wyndwalker - held my attention long enough to read it to the end, anyway, which isn't always the case.
Just a couple of points made me think "Huh?", both of which occured during the flight from the town - I had this mental image of an open, wooden-wheeled, iron tyred wagon on primitive roads, so it struck me as a difficult feat to use
a delicate looking tool, which he began using in the lock on one of his manacles
.
The other point was
He took a long drag off his pipe, blowing it out into a pair of rings, the smaller one drifting through the middle of the larger one as they flowed through the air.
In a quiet ale-house, or a secluded camp, maybe: but in a wagon, travelling at speed? I would have thought that they would just blow away at once.

Nit-picking, perhaps - but I find it's tiny details that spport the edifice of suspension of belief, and as I said, these jarred that suspension.

But I'd really like to read more - and I'd love to know why they went to all that trouble - must need a halfling thief really badly!:D
 
I think your piece is too heavy on description and not enough action and dialogue. Break it up more, and give us some more realistic reactions. If someone spat on me, i assure you they wouldnt be able to saunter away nonchalantly, so you need to give us more of the inner emotion of your guy, otherwise he comes across as a cardboard figure, that things happen to but they never really effect him emotionally or nerve wise.

If you want to stay with the over the top characterizations though, then you could play that up for comic effect i guess.
 
As a piece of writing, I thought it was rather well done, although you need to check some of your sentence structure:-

The Magistrate was currently sitting in the largest chair, a massive blue cushioned thing.

Surely the magistrate isn't the massive, blue cushioned thing?

My problem with this is that it reads like a Dungeons and Dragons module from the 1980's. Mixed character classes, references to "equipment", the use of very stock fantasy races (which Gary Gygax and Co. lifted wholesale from Tolkien without so much as a by your leave) and the usual coterie of bent officials and worthless peasants all rather put me off, as does the unconvincing, Hollywood-esque use of principled one liners and incisive righteousness.

Put simply, the piece looks like a photocopy rather than an original, which is a great shame because (and here comes the good news) you are clearly an able writer. You have a good sense of pace, descriptive power and dramatic tension (although you need to put more description and/or build up in when everything goes ballistic at the moment of the long drop).

Regards,

Peter

PS: I might just have wasted the last ten minutes of my life
 
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PS: I might just have wasted the last ten minutes of my life

I am seriously impressed! You read it all through, thought about it carefully, and managed to type incisive comments, all in the space of ten minutes? Do you have some kind of time dilation device on your person?

J
 
Well, I would comment... but as the original posting was April 2007, and the author is credited with only one posting, I doubt he/she is around to receive any advice or critique...

Rozerdemit, why have you revived this thread?
 
Uh, why do so many fantasy shape-shifters re-appear decorously, if scantily clad ? Had Ms. Cat burrowed into a pile of clothes before transforming, I would have been happier...

I must wonder if the author is lurking: Easy way to check...
 
You could ask some cats to find out, given your title. Ask enough and sooner or later you'll get a shapeshifter, I'm sure.

Besides, cats and sexy women just shouldn't mix. It's been done.
 
I really enjoyed reading it and would have read on if there was more to read. The first section flows better than the second section, the beginning is especially well written.

There are a few bits that could be reworded but otherwise its great
 
A quick check of the profile shows the author just flashed back, presumably alerted by action on his thread. Didn't say anything though.

Actually, anyone can speak to cats – I've done it often – and occasionally cats will deign to answer. It is the mutual comprehension that is rare.

Anyway, some shapeshifters appear 'à poil', particularly pTerry's, which must make for a nasty, tangled change in the other direction, unless you strip first.

Now, where's this sexy woman I was supposed to be talking to?
 
Which Terry do you mean, Chris? I can think of three - although in one case the catsuit would be made of leather.

I don't usually post comments on individual pieces of work but I should add that although I agree that this piece reads a bit dated, it is not at all bad and shouldn't be dismissed as rubbish. There's plenty of work to do, but I'd say that about a lot of writing.

In particular I'd advise the writer to be aware of when he is moving into cliche territory. The elf-cat-druid girl (Mary Sue ahoy!), the rural dwarf, the (apparent) upcoming dungeon crawl and so on do suggest an older style that today is a bit old hat. Treat these aspects with care: even consciously subverting them may be a bit passe, as Abercrombie and others have got there first. (As a matter of fact I liked Abercrombie's stuff the least when he was consciously overturning cliches, rather than when he was just writing a story, when I liked it a lot. "I've got an adventuring party, but they all hate each other! See what I did there? Haha!")

I'd say the best way of dealing with this is simply good characterisation and wider reading. The dwarf doesn't have to be an ale-obsessed comedy Scot: he could also be an artist in his spare time, who knows? Non-humans and fey folk don't seem terribly popular in current fantasy, which I think is a shame. But a closer idea of what's considered current could help. It reminds me of Dragonlance at the moment, which is both D&D derived and quite old.

The other thing is the sense that I get with a lot of beginnings, that the writer is clearing his throat and "writing himself into the story". The beginning could be tightened somewhat - less knife scraping, for a start - to much greater effect. But the main point I wanted to make is that this isn't a waste of space. There is room for improvement, which ultimately means that there is something here worth improving upon.
 
Far too much posted - remember, we only need an excerpt. :)

The initial start was pretty good - short, sharp sentences. The "shink shink" was effective as a starter, but I think best not repeated because it takes away from the pace of your narration, in my opinion.

The big problem, I had, was this line:

"Julian Coraan, rogue and mage extraordinaire, was finally caught. "

That reads as dissociated from the character, which you do not want. Tell about the chase, etc, but don't tell us - as a writer - who the character is - let the character, as a character, through their experiences - tell us who they are.
 
I Really enjoyed a lot while reading it, but I am enable to understand why does the elf change into a panther?
 
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