Conspiracy Theories.... Let's start one!

[Bristles1]

does no one care , i'm being held hostage by the notorius Mr K Fried who's forcing me to drink copius amount of cheap french beer.................. I love Kentucky fried.....more beer

 

[Nesacat]

there is a need to organise a rescue mission then ... very well ... as altar boy ... Gully-foyle your first mission , should you choose to accept it, will be to rescue Bristles1 from the clutches of the evil Mr K Fried. Ummm ... you might want to rescue all the French Beer as well.

I think the shogoths might like it. Maybe the heffalumps too. Possibly Freda. Maybe not Booracket or Wally.

and yes .... you must go out and buy more books.

 

[Joel007]

All the squirrels are being stuffed and made into an undead squirrel army by a Janitor armed with a Knife-wrench.

 

[gully_foyle]

It was an ambush. The KFC morphed into insidious alien beings. Bristles1 didn't make it. French beer survived but was imbibed during the return journey.

I have failed....(hic!)

 

[Nesacat]

first it's cats and KFC and now it's a zombie squirrel army .... what is it with you guys and small furry animals??

am in complete agreement about the Janitor with the Knife-wrench though.

 

[Joel007]

It's useful, and safe! Just be careful when you put it in your pocket. [Limps away]

 

[Nesacat]

you'd be the one the chainsaw warning was meant for then I gather.

 

[Joel007]

You can't prove anything! I have doctor-patient confidentiality!

 

[merritt]

Just started Conspiracy Theory short story!

I know its still raw but I threw it down on paper, & haven't had any time to work on it.

Eulogy​

Leo was my best friend. A family man, lived in the same house for the last 20 something years, just celebrated his 25th wedding anniversary. A big strapping, friendly man, who was a sharp sales engineer.
We met as youths. A girl came running up to my buddy Schrecky. and I as we approached the beach,” Did you hear Leo Howard just ran over a little girl with his mini bike?’ We were 16 so we didn’t fall into that “little” category.
“ No, we didn’t hear nut’in” we replied and & we all ran down to the beach to see the carnage.
When we got there, there was nothing, no injured girl, no crashed mini bike and no sign of the infamous ”Leo Howard”. We spent the day as beach denizens and never met him, although the next day we looked him up. That was the beginning of a 35 year friendship.
Thru our teen years we rampaged on motorcycles until old enough for cars. Then it was girls, cars, drinking, hiking and camping in the Adirondacks. We went to different colleges. Leo thumbed his way across country to stay with his sister on the Columbia River in Washington State for a year.
Leo and I stayed close friends, even when we were super involved with our own lives, and didn’t talk for months we still were buddies.
So I got a job at a high tech company in engineering and Leo went into sales and marketing. We both met women and settled down and had kids, and got together when schedules allowed.
I remember one morning before going fishing, we’d stopped for breakfast and he ordered a western omelet. Well, he had a fit because it came with cheese in it.
“Since when does a western omelet have cheese in it?” He says to the waitress.
Normally, that wouldn’t cause an incident but Leo has this intensity in his eyes, and did I mention he is 6”4” tall.
The waitress got a little huffy and replied,” It’s right on the menu, all omelets come with cheese unless ordered without.”
“Well take it back and make me one without cheese and warm up those grits” he replied with a smile. She scooped up his plate and scampered back to the kitchen.
“Damn, they want to put cheese on everything these days, I think they want my arteries to clog!” he laughed, slightly embarrassed that he made the girl take it back. But that passed quickly and he was his usual ebullient self.
Leo and I retained some of our wild ways, when we hit our thirties we bought motorcycles. In our forties when our kids grew up to high school and college age we started taking “all guy” fishing trips where we would be a little wild, some guys drank to much, some smoked weed. Never any trouble, it was just a fun weekend. Take four or five unsupervised guys in a rented camp on the water, a rented boat, lots of beer & bad language, a few fish and that equals some funny stories.
After our kids were away at college, we would take bi-weekly “health walks” on community trails he had across the street from his house. I remember him ranting in a jocular way about the cheese conspiracy, since he created the topic, he’d joke about it often.
“I’ve hitch-hiked across the US and you used to be able to order a western omelet without cheese! I got one in at least 12 states in the late seventies and the only difference was did they mix it or fold it.” or “The milk board & the cheese producers are in it together!”
In public people wouldn’t know if he was serious because he said it in a joking manner, he had a peculiar ominous air despite the twinkle in his eye. He would imply that we, people in general, were treated like cattle by big business & government.
So we would take these health walks, maybe smoke a joint, take his little dogs for a walk. Just your standard bull **** sessions by old friends.
We were both hitting fifty, talking about our retirement plans and schemes, when he turned up dead.
I got a call at work, my wife Laura on the other end. “You better get over to Leos, Gidget just called and they found him dead on the trails.”
I parked in his driveway in time to see them loading him into an ambulance at the trailhead across the street. There was a sheet over him. Across the street, one of the neighbors was consoling his wife Gidget on their front porch swing.
I rushed up to the ambulance, where there were troopers, and guys in suits standing around. A sheriff stepped in front of me with his hand up,”Whoa there, can I help you?”
“He’s my best friend, and his wife called me at work to come here. What happened?”
We don’t really know yet.” He said firmly.
“He’s more than just a friend, he’s like my brother.” I was starting to get angry. I don’t know why, I just felt an incredible loss. “ Can I just look at his face?”
He looked over at a trooper who shrugged his shoulders.
“OK, I’ll lift the sheet to give you a look.”
It was him; he looked alive except his eyes were open, unseeing, the blanket under his head showing blood. “What happened?” I looked up for an answer.
“We’re not sure yet, so please go over and console his wife until her family gets here.” There was nothing I could do, it was the end for him.
A lot of people really loved that guy, who professed to be the “meandad”. We laid him out in a Harley T-Shirt and big shorts like he wanted. He always said he started the big shorts fad. Many, many people came to his funeral and stood up and spoke about him. He was my soul brother. I was desolate.
It turns out this big man was felled by the smallest caliber bullet, a 22, to the back of the head. It penetrated and then bounced around in his head, destroying his brain. The cops figured it was a wandering bullet from afar, on its last legs. They investigated for 2 months, and questioned everybody but didn’t find anyone who was target shooting that day. Nobody would admit to toting a gun the day Walt was shot.
That is pretty much the end of the story except when I took Gidget to the DA’s office to close the investigation formally, I noticed something. In the pictures from the death scene, there he was, familiar, lying on his side, slumped with one hand outstretched. Like he was asleep if you didn’t know he had a small hole in his head. And in his hand, a carton of milk, which had spilled when he collapsed, had left a white froth on the ground.
I grew cold all at once. That’s when I realized there may be a cheese conspiracy!
Because Leo never drank plain milk in his life, he detested the flavor. If it wasn’t chocolate milk, it would not pass his lips. Do they have to put cheese in everything?

 

[nixie]

The problem is, we all know I, Brian and the mods are trying to rule the world.

Trying too? we already do

 

[Anthony G Williams]

There's actually an article in the current New Scientist magazine about conspiracy theories, why they are believed, and how to start one!

Apparently the most gullible groups are those most detached from power in society - the poor, ethnic minorities and so on. One example: 20% of African-Americans believe that HIV was created in a laboratory and distributed by the US government to restrict the growth of the black population.

A summary of the guidelines:

1. Pick a big, bad organisation as the target

2. Choose a dramatic, newsworthy event as the basis.

3. Construct your theory from carefully selected information designed to link your target organisation with the event. Reinterpret evidence in your favour whenever you can, and create uncertainty by questioning official evidence.

4. Prepare your defence, including accusing those who deny your story of being involved in the conspiracy. Be flexible over the details, but keep the core story going.

 

[Allegra]

A summary of the guidelines:

1. Pick a big, bad organisation as the target

2. Choose a dramatic, newsworthy event as the basis.

3. Construct your theory from carefully selected information designed to link your target organisation with the event. Reinterpret evidence in your favour whenever you can, and create uncertainty by questioning official evidence.

4. Prepare your defence, including accusing those who deny your story of being involved in the conspiracy. Be flexible over the details, but keep the core story going.

Excellent! Lemme try -

1. The Bush Administration?

2. War at Iraq?

3. & 4. Hmmm...now my mind made an interesting turn - don't these two sound like the Bush administration's policy making methods?

 

[Joel007]

I made a conspiracy theory when I wasa in school and had it posted on the net by a teacher for a demonstration. The basic idea was when the school systems in England moved from a 3 tier to 2 tier system, the government had organised this to increase sales of drugs to younger kids (moving them in with the the upper school addicts).
By the next day it had been linked with 3 celebrities and several government officials, and was one of the top theories

 

[HardScienceFan]

i have a theory that Justin Timberlake's record company keeps silent about his real name: Melvin Prlwitzkovski

 

[Neal Asher]

The Hubbert peak of oil production having been passed, all governments know that the oil is going to run out soon. They subsequently sowed rumours about human-caused global warming, very specifically aimed at CO2, and created the IPCC in an attempt to prepare us for a future without oil. This is on the basis that fear of planetary destruction is a better motivator than the fear of no petrol in the pumps in twenty years time.

 

[Anthony G Williams]

This is on the basis that fear of planetary destruction is a better motivator than the fear of no petrol in the pumps in twenty years time.

There's a flaw in that - most people can't relate to planetary destruction. Even if they believe it, they don't believe that they can do anything practical about it so it just makes them depressed and apathetic. But they can sure as heck relate to not having any petrol for their cars, although 20 years may be too long a time period.

 

[Anthony G Williams]

Excellent! Lemme try -

1. The Bush Administration?

2. War at Iraq?

3. & 4. Hmmm...now my mind made an interesting turn - don't these two sound like the Bush administration's policy making methods?

Well, some conspiracy theories turn out to be true - like the Iran/Contra affair!

 

[Rosemary]

Trying too? we already do

Well, that's what you are being lead to believe! We all know that the Chronicles is slowly but steadily being over-run by sun tanned and well read Aussies!

 

[Neal Asher]

There's a flaw in that - most people can't relate to planetary destruction. Even if they believe it, they don't believe that they can do anything practical about it so it just makes them depressed and apathetic. But they can sure as heck relate to not having any petrol for their cars, although 20 years may be too long a time period.

Oh I didn't say it was a working approach - it is one designed by governments so obviously it doesn't really work, but they feel it can be used as a justification for huge taxes.

 

[Interference]

i have a theory that Justin Timberlake's record company keeps silent about his real name: Melvin Prlwitzkovski

The real Justin Timberlake died in a motor cycle accident on his way to try and stop Britney's wedding. The accident involved a bus and some Simon and Garfunkel music, but no one knows if the music was coming from the bus or not.

Mervin Prlwitzkovski is, as some of you already know, the (then) youngster who was severely crippled during the filming of one Mickey Mouse Club routine in which an igloo set with (Goofy and Donald fishing in full inuit regalia) collapsed and the steel support scaffolding fell on the hapless Mervin. JT was actually a ringer who took over from him for three weeks in order to avoid the scandal and inevitable safety questions, before Mr Timberlake emerged from the shadows as an entertainer in his own write.

Following JT's own accident, Todd Shea of Attica, N.M., was recruited to play the remaining gigs on his tour but he, too, fell foul of a terrible accident involving an ice-cream truck and some traffic cones. The ice-cream/cone incident left Todd with frostbite and a toe had to be amputated, making his dance style more like Justin's in some respects, but far better in others. However, it was the cone that jammed in his ear that put 'paid' to the scam.

Since then, Justin Timberlake has been impersonated by Paul McCartney (July 27th, 05), small-time entertainer Jarrod Fawlkes (November 05 - July 06 - Jarrod was assassinated in mistake for President GW Bush in another conspiracy theory), Erich Walsberg III (Aug 06 - Dec 06 - lost while sailing in the North Sea) and Freddy Starr (Jan 07 - present).

The poor luck surrounding the Justin Timberlake Franchise was further exacerbated when rumours of a reunion between whoever is playing him at the time and Britney Spears (AKA Billy Shears) hit the newswires last week.

This information is culled from articles appearing in Newsweek, Time and Hello magazinem, one of which may have featured someone who might have looked like the man we think of as Justin Timberlake.