The Continuous Story

[Interference]

"Now they're ringin' the bell," said Frankie, his way.

"Open the door and let 'em in," plagiarised Robbie.

 

[Zubi-Ondo]

"Don't plagiarize me. I hate that." Frankie said as he puffed out his wings a bit in some sort of apparent attempt to look intimidating. "And don't patronize me either. I hate that too." he added. "I think you'd better go let them in, they might be patrons, and you wouldn't want to miss the chance to patronize them, I'm quite sure." He stated in a slightly awkward but still grammatically correct manner.

"Right." Robbie said, and walked off in the direction of the foyer.

"Perhaps you should try the front door." Frankie said smugly, displaying a faintly sardonic grin.

"Oh, uh, yes." Robbie replied, clumsily backing up and turning around at the same time.

A few moments later, Robbie trotted in with Gizmo the cat, and Sadie the monkey. Gizmo sat down, and reached into his pocket. "Turkish cigarette?" He asked in Frankie's general direction.

 

[Interference]

"What's that, Gizmo?" asked Frankie in geometrically the opposite direction.

"This gizmo?" said Gizmo, "It's my patented solid platinum, cigarette-ejecting smoking case."

"I think that last one hit me in the eye," said Robbie.

 

[Zubi-Ondo]

"That was on purpose." Gizmo said, grinning a grin, and drinking some Gin.
"What the bloody h**l did I do to deserve that?" Robbie asked.
"You plagiarized my friend Frankie here, and you patronized me and poor Sadie here, who by the way used to go by the name of Figaro when she was still the cat whose body I now occupy."

"That may be true, but I don't see it as good enough reason to cause minor amounts of nicotine poisoning in someone's eye by firing an unfiltered ciggy at them with some ridiculously unnecessary contraption used for dispensing coffin nails!" Robbie replied indignantly, and continued, "In fact I think I'll start calling you Contraption instead of Gizmo!"

"Be my guest." Gizmo retorted, "Neither one is my real name anyway."

"Oh yeah? So what is your real name, Mr. Smarty pants?"
"Wow, that was a good guess, but not quite right."
"Well?" Robbie stood rigid, arms folded, tapping one foot on the floor to the rhythm of some obscure Chameleons tune.
"I'm not telling." Gizmo replied, turning to walk toward the study.

 

[Interference]

"Check, please," hailed Gizmo out-of-the-blue and a pink waitress approached them with pad in hand.

"Would you like it read back?" she asked, "Or the candle blew out, kind gentle-sirs or madams?" and this last was so non-grammatical that it made everyone wince who heard it - apart from Vince whose wince had long since departed him.

"Please don't fawn," said Frankie. "These aren't the tourist trappings of the Isle of Wight and we aren't lemons."

"Sorry, I'm sure, but azure waitress, I wouldn't like to leave room for shades of gray in any of my fiscal orangements."

"I completely agreen with your artitube," said Lawrence Llewellwyn Bowan who had temporarily forgotten to spell his name for the transcription, "but will nonetheless canvas other opinions on the matter. No pointilism in gessos when you can frame realism instead, I always say, my little pal-ette," and as he was becoming increasingly incomprehensible, everyone ignored him and continued to un-acknowledge his presence at every conceivable occasion in a thuslike manner: Who said that? and Did anyone speak just now?

 

[Zubi-Ondo]

That's Funny I Thought I RED That somewhere. Oh well, could just be that I've been experiencing a lot of De JaVu lately.

Gizmo turned as he almost left and said, "Strange how that waitress was able to turn from the color of fresh salmon to the color of an October sky, don't you think?"

"I've seen much stranger thing's." Sadie said offhandedly. (or is it off-opposeable-thumbedly?) . She stared in Gizmo's direction, and he was held nearly motionless as if Sadie had put him in a trance. She walked slowly toward him in a primitive, and monkey-like manner. She stopped about 20 cm from his face, and said, "You know I can see two tiny pictures of myself and there's one of them in each of your eyes."
"Yeah, so?" Gizmo replied.
"Well, they're doing everything I do. I walked toward you, and they walked toward me. I swat at an imaginary bug in the air, and so do they. It's driving me crazy. It's driving me nuts!"
"So stop staring at me you witless git!"
"Oh yeah. I suppose I could do that."
Sadie turned around, and began walking on all fours, sticking her naked butt in the air as she walked away. Gizmo was feeling rather obfuscated. If I wasn't a Monkey I'd swear she did that on purpose. "Wait... Who said That?" .................. colour = Azure / Azure AS THE SUN WILL SHINE...

 

[Zubi-Ondo]

List of Characters (in order of appearance)


Character: , Played by:

Early Celly: Naryaló S dú, Leisha, tangaloomababe, ice.monkey, Talysia,

Early Cecily: tangaloomababe, ice.monkey, Talysia, Leisha, Naryaló S dú, Dexter, Harpo, JDP, SpaceShip, timelord4

Early Jack: ice.monkey, Talysia

Stroyder: Leisha.

Tall, dark and very handsome man: tangaloomababe, pyan.

Passerby with an umbrella who fell to the pavement and died: ice.monkey

Man in brown overcoat with nothing that resembled a face but more scars and loose skin that looked like it had been burnt in an inferno: JDP, ice.monkey, Naryaló S dú, tangaloomababe, Dexter, Leisha

Head with the patch over one eye: SpaceShip, Naryaló S dú

Celly's/Cecily's husband of 15 years (later known as Robert): tangaloomababe

Celly's/Cecily's Mum in-law: ice.monkey

Celly's/Cecily's father in-law (Arthur?): timelord4, Leisha

Man with the scarred face in the dimly lit tavern: Leisha, ice.monkey

Bearded midget: ice.monkey

Yet another hideously scarred man: Leisha, DarkBunni, ice.monkey

Red sports car: DarkBunni

A most amazing looking male in red sports car: tangaloomababe

Shadowy beings (later known as fire and smoke): ice.monkey, tangaloomababe, timelord4, Leisha

Colin: Grimblade

Advert starring Eve Longoria: Peter Graham

Cecily's mother Millicent Kirby-Electrolux: tangaloomababe, timelord4, Zubi-Ondo

Raoul:tangaloomababe, Peter Graham, Zubi-Ondo

Cecily's twin sister Charlotte: tangaloomababe, Peter Graham, Zubi-Ondo

Aussie bartender: tangaloomababe

Tall blonde male: tangaloomababe

Elderly, distinguished male (claiming to be Cecily's father): tangaloomababe, Peter Graham

Alien Dad: Leisha, Peter Graham, timelord4, power to the J, Interference, Zubi-Ondo, Sylvetra_Snake

Later Cecily: tangaloomababe, RodneyMcKay, Peter Graham, ice.monkey, Ghost of Harrenhal, Interference, Zubi-Ondo, Sylvetra_Snake

Frankie: power to the J, Leisha, tangaloomababe, Interference, Zubi-Ondo, Peter Graham

Lord Blanchet, the 15th: tangaloomababe, ice.monkey, Peter Graham, Pravuil, Zubi-Ondo

Man with red eyes concealed beneath a pie hat and full-body trenchcoat: Pravuil, Peter Graham, ice.monkey,

Doris the Herring-Gull and Fat Tom the Guillemot: Peter Graham
Tony Blair: ice.monkey,

The Doctor: Peter Graham

A seagull, later to be known as Frankie the Archangel, and then later as 'Frankie Shankly Acapella Sneet': ice.monkey, Interference, Peter Graham, Zubi-Ondo

A sport fisherman with a big red beard in a blue kayak: Zubi-Ondo, Interference

Hermes: Zubi-Ondo

Neptune: Zubi-Ondo

The man in the Tuxedo (at Tuxedo Junction): Sylvetra_Snake, Zubi-Ondo, Interference

The Glen Miller Orchestra: Interference, Zubi-Ondo

Frankie's Flock of Seagulls: Zubi-Ondo, Interference

The Great Blue Heron: Zubi-Ondo, Interference

Interference: Zubi-Ondo, Interference

The audience: Harpo

Hispanic looking gentleman: Zubi-Ondo

Figaro the Cat: Zubi-Ondo

The narrator: Interference

Xq'nwppt the Magnificent: Peter Graham

Archmage briony: Peter Graham, Zubi-Ondo

An Inspector: Interference

Smellers: Interference

NICKY IN HER UNDERWEAR: Peter Graham

Evershrike, ‘Ward Of Bones’ : Zubi-Ondo

Graham, or Interference, or Zubi-mundo: Zubi-Ondo

Zubi-Ondo: Zubi-Ondo, Interference

Lucy in the sky with diamonds: Zubi-Ondo

Yellow Submarine: Zubi-Ondo

Jeremy Hillary Boob, Ph. D: Zubi-Ondo

Animated Beatles: Zubi-Ondo

The monkey (later to be known as Gizmo): Interference

Terns, gulls, Fulmars, Kittiwakes, Guillemots, Cormorants, Penguins, Egrets, Pelicans, Cranes, Albatross, petrels, auks, and gannets, and the blue footed booby: Zubi-Ondo

Lord Baltimore: Zubi-Ondo

Mr. Mustarseed: Zubi-Ondo

Jack: Interference, Zubi-Ondo

Throb the Goblin king: Peter Graham

A tree-hugging firbolg, and an odious little northern soot fettler: Peter Graham

Old Uncle Tom Cobbleigh: Peter Graham

Robert Maxwell: Interference

Mona Lisa: Zubi-Ondo

Monty, the Infinite Pieman: Interference

Simple Simon: Interference

Robbie: Interference, Zubi-Ondo, Peter Graham

Pink waitress: Interference

Lawrence Llewellwyn Bowan: Interference

To be Continued...

 

[Interference]

That's a mighty comprehensive castlist, Zube, excellento. Now, how about a bow from each of them before they go and get changed for the second act

And a Happy Christmas to everyone who made all this possible ...

Naryaló S dú, Leisha, tangaloomababe, ice.monkey, Talysia, Dexter, Harpo, JDP, SpaceShip, timelord4, pyan, DarkBunni, Grimblade, Peter Graham, power to the J, Sylvetra_Snake, RodneyMcKay, Ghost of Harrenhal, Pravuil, your good self (Zubi-Ondo) and Harpo, without any of whom this list would not have been possible.


Or even necessary

 

[Zubi-Ondo]

Yes, yes. Thank you Mr. Static; Mr. Ripples within waves; Mr. Frequency mixer extraordinaire! (Who said any of this was necessary anyway?) Happy Christmas to all the Chronners who've contributed, those who haven't, those who may at sometime in the future, those who write Science Fiction, those who write Fantasy Fiction, those who write Fantasy Non-Fiction, those who write Fantasy Science, and those who just read. And a special Merry Christmas to all the little ones who can't yet read, and will soon learn not only to read, but how to take better care of planet Earth.

Love, Zubi.

 

[Peter Graham]

BOOK THE SECOND

Captain Vermin struggled out of his enormous old horsehair armchair and hammered on the top of the little portable television. The wierd, flickering colours of Zubi-Ondovision faded and were replaced by a wall of static.

"Dem an' blast!" shouted the Captain. "Now we've lost the dem transmission entirely! And we've run out of Twiglets."

"Don't worry, old chap", said the Anaconda as she drew magnificently on a filterless ciggy and sipped her Gin Sling. "It was only the credits and they are such an interminable bore. Best Boy blah blah, Key Grip blah blah, Wardrobe Assistant to the Archmage Briony blah blah bloody blah! Now, who fancies a game of cribbage and a shot of Absinthe?"

"Me! Me! Me!" sqeaked Gerbil Head. He was so excited that he scurried wildly around the chair legs before dropping a little unbidden stool on the Persian rug.

"Whoops!" he wailed.

As he rushed off to hide behind a folio edition of the Complete Works of Lord Byron, Old Runcible gave a wheezy sigh, put down her copy of Gibbon's 'Decline and Fall' and threw another log onto the little fire. Stuffing her monocle in her one, central eye and patting her homonculus on its little warty head, she drew back the study curtain and peered out of the bay window into the infinite vortex of space. The black hole was still growing.

"Fxxxjq brliencjhjd dofgjhhdo pffk threep," she muttered.

"Couldn't agree more, old sort," nodded Captain Vermin. "But until Jones rings the dem dinner bell, we are just going to have to sit here kicking our heels. It's all so tedious. Why can't anything exciting happen to us?"

 

[Interference]

"I understood 'threep'," Anaconda added calmly. "So you're engaged to be married. How perfectly spiffing. The perfection level acheived by this spiffingness may actually have already exceeded all previous expectations. So who's the lucky quadruped?"

"And what," inserted the captain, "amusing complications are likely ensue, if ensue is the word I want?"

"I think you misheard me," Old Runcible said, but in a language of symbolism and metaphor comprised of precious few vowel sounds so that it has been necessary to translate for the purpose of enhanced reader comprehension, assuming the presence of an enhanced reader.

It was at roughly this point, as on this and many similar points it is there are certain limitations placed on those who would seek to be more precise, that Jones entered the room.

"I rang, sir," he said.

"Jolly good," seemed to be the relevant expression of appreciation and this was duly uttered by Anaconda. "Din-dins at last."

 

[Peter Graham]

"And not before time, you dem rogue!" spluttered the Captain. "Now tickle our palates! What are we having for dem din dins?"

"Roast best end of raw Dodo on a cranberry and plywood coulis, served with earth-grown potatoes and some grass from the mower box," simpered Jones.

"Grass again" squeaked Gerbil Head, before accidentally sending a concentrated jet of urine six feet into the air, from where it fell like the fountain of Trevi, showering everyone on the room with shimmering golden droplets like to the falling leaves of the mallorn.

"Alas, yes, sir. Deliveries have been rather disturbed since the house detached itself from the flamin' ruins of Terra Firma and began its apparently random journey through space. We have run out of tonic water, butter, cocktail olives, bread, milk, tea, cornflakes, smoked haddock, courgettes, brown sauce and light ale. Tomorrow I shall be reduced to serving boiled ballcock on a hot bed of dissent."

At that moment, there was a knock on the door...

 

[Interference]

"Who's there?" enquired an inquisitive Anaconda.

"Poacher," came the indistinct reply.

"Poacher who?" the Captain pressed.

"Poacher hands together and welcome," the door burst open, "Eustace Bustard The Third," said Eustace, who was pretty much a waste of molecules and atoms, by all accounts, particularly those kept by his father, the Captain.

He flung himself into a chair.

"Did someone ring for din-dins?" he said.

"Indeed, Master Eustace," said Jones, "It was I for it is so that preparations have been made for a repaste that will satisfy the pangs if not the pallat."

"Well, bring it on, then," said Eustace and Jones departed, the better to follow this instruction. "I say, Captain Daddy, lend us a fiver, will you?"

"What for?"

"All right, then, lend me four, I'll make it stretch."

"What I mean is, you unconscionable blister on society, is 'to what purpose do you intend to put a fiver' as, unless the situation has altered without my being notified, we are utterly detached from any planet that might allow you to exchange it for anything."

"Yes, I know, that's why I need the fiver. You see I bet the parlourmaid a fiver to a kiss that we couldn't possibly be floating in outer space and that she must have been imagining things. As it turns out, she wasn't and we are, which revelation has duly cost me a fiver. Pity, but what can one do?"

"I tell you what," the Captain said, but before he could say more, Jones returned to draw their attention to a slight crack in the double glazing that seemed to be getting larger.

 

[Peter Graham]

"Sorry to interrupt, Sir, but there is a crack in the double glazin' what is gettin' larger."

"What of it?" snapped Captain Vermin. "If it's not the dem drains or the dem cellar flooding, it's the bally roof or the chimney flashing or the dem-your-eyes purlins, whatever they might be. And now number one son and heir is breezing in here trying to tap me up for a fiver, no doubt in order to soften up that fickle jade of a parlourmaid, Kitty, as a precursor to a quick knee-trembler in the scullery followed by a lifetime of social embarassment for us all! It really is too much. Ring the little man from the village and tell him to trot up here with his bag of tricks. He's bound to know how to fix a piece of glass."

"I would, Sir, but as Master Eustace 'as correctly observed, we are floatin' in space and are probably several space mile thingummyjigs from the village. And, beggin' your pardon, Sir, if this crack continues to grow, we shall all shortly be sucked into the airless infinity of nothingness. Shall I pack your overnight valise?"

"We're all going to die! Ooops!" squeaked Gerbil Head, as he passed a veritable river of fizzy gravy all over the Anaconda's shoes.

Old Runcible gave the globe a final spin and caught a passing fly on her tongue.

"Sqeeble threep dksjf spfkfof k ed-4ivje-sdkdfl %," she said with an apologetic grin.

"Sorry, old girl, didn't quite catch the thick end of that" said the Captain.

The Anaconda uncoiled herself from her chair and helped herself to another gin sling.

"She said 'I think that this regrettable situation in which we find ourselves might have something to do with me and my recent engagement'."

 

[Interference]

"Let me explain," Old Runcible said as she leapt to the floor and began absent-mindedly to trifle with the affections of a beam of light. "You may not recall exactly how I came into your company, but some of you might recall the disgraceful state of my beautiful, white fur in that far distant day when I came to your notice. This was because of a particular progression of circumstances which befell the previous human to whom I had been threeped, a man named Ernst Bloefeld, a clever being by human standards and one whose ambitions had brought him to the attention of several government agencies around the globe. These agencies, in consequence, often dispatched their operatives in order to dissuade my human from either carrying out or completing his highly imaginative plans, plots and ploys.

"The last of these operatives was a man named Bondjamesbond.

"My human had only recently managed to purloin two spaceships from their respective orbits and, using technology far in advance of that available to most humans, had safely brought each of these vessels to a pin-point landing within confines of his volcanic Island in the Pacific Ocean. How precise a calculation he must have made, how accurate a thrust-to-descent ratio his scientists and pilots must have maintained to make such a precision landfall is far from my capacity to know. But achieve this miracle, he did.

"Perhaps it was jealousy, perhaps it was spite, perhaps it was the ransom he demanded, we may never know, but within a week, a guerrilla team of ninja-commandos had invaded my human's sovereign territory and put it to the torch.

"But it was Bondjamesbond who did the real damage. Apparently captive and at my human's mercy, Bondjamesbond, using means beyond my comprehension or understanding, was able to cause a chain reaction within the control room that devastated my human's island and brought death to all who remained behind, following the evacuations of all hostages and some of the smarter scientists. My human had attempted to bring me with him to his secret launch-pad where a private rocket-ship was awaiting him, but I felt uncertain that his chosen means of escape was either wise or clever. So I ... I deserted him to his fate and hitched a ride on a raft with thirty-three rats who happened to be passing.

"I watched the island explode as we sailed past a rubber dinghy containing Bondjamesbond and a Japanese girl who seemed to find the contents of his swimming trunks of particular interest. But this was of no importance. As our raft sailed on, the island itself sank into the murky, Pacific seas, spewing magma and volcanic lava all around it as it fell. The very oceans shuddered and the continents quaked.

"We drifted for weeks, my six rat friends and I, until eventually I landed alone on the beachfront abutting your estate. I introduced myself to your cook and she introduced me to her cooking, so I stayed.

"It was not until some years later that the first cracks began to widen and rifts to show all around the planet, but only I was able to draw the conclusion that seemed so obvious as each new fault developed: These are all Bondjamesbond's faults.

"I don't know if you recall last year's summer holliers, but I had chosen to remain at home. You may at the time have wondered wherefore I should eschew the allure of azure seas and foreign mice. But I had heard of something and I had a plan that could be better executed in your absence.

"Bondjamesbond was in the neighbourhood.

"Using a combination of feline guile, personal magnetism and the parlour-maid, I was able to lure Bondjamesbond here where I had reconstructed, in the basement, my late human's volcanic lair. Once the parlour-maid had completed her study of Bondjamesbond's underpants, something only humans seem to enjoy, I enticed her to bring him to me, for I was waiting, intent on redressing the balance, on correcting my late human's mistakes, on destroying Bondjamesbond forever.

"Why I had retained the self-destruct mechanism in my plans for the new lair, why I had kept the multi-megatonnage nuclear device option, I may never be able to explain, but somehow Bondjamesbond, as he kicked me across the control room and investigated the parlour-maid's underwear, accidentally activated it. Feeling somewhat defeated, deflated and defooted, I went upstairs to the kitchen and took a nap, while downstairs Bondjamesbond and the parlour-maid must have felt the earth move.

"When I awoke, you had already returned home and we were all floating in space. I have discerned that planet earth is no more, but that we are on a trajectory towards a little-known verdant region of Jupiter's third moon and will be passing it within the next ten minutes.

"As I said, I replicated my master's lair down to the very last detail, including his escape pod. There is a very serviceable space ship in your basement right this minute which is capable of carrying us all to safety well within the time it will take for the integrity of the double-glazing to give way.

"In short, my dear friends, though I have visited this disaster upon us, I am also the providence that will deliver us to safety. So, if you'd all care to follow me, please ..."

"Does anyone have any idea what thet demmed cet's saying?" asked the Captain.

"I think she said, 'Meaow'," said Anaconda.

"Good evening," said a new voice from the door. "My name's Bond. James bond ...."

Old Runcible exclaimed.

 

[Peter Graham]

"Mr Bond! Mr Bond! Mr Bond!"

Gerbil Head squealed with excitement and ran around the room like a tiny incontinent whirlwind, firing off nascent bog otters like artillery shells.

"We'll have to kill him. And quick!" shouted the Anaconda.

"But how?" asked Old Runcible as she simultaneously tried to hide behind a bookcase and also give Bond a winning smile.

"Dead easy!" said the Anaconda. "We'll tie him up to the Captain's chair, then we'll reduce him to a state of catatonia by taking it in turns to read him extracts from the Silmarillion. At the same time, we will introduce a colony of vampire moth pupae into his trousers. In a month or so, they will emerge as fully blown vampire moths, who within a few years will slowly bleed him dry!"

"Or we could just blow his dem head off with this," shouted the Captain as he drunkenly waved a loaded blunderbuss far too close to the cracking glass...

 

[Interference]

Bang!

Crash!!!

Shatter!!!!

"What was that?"

"I think, M'Lady, it was the sound effect of a car being crushed in a car-crushing device, a Lincoln Continental, 1963, if I'm not very much mistaken."

"Thank Goodness for that," spake his Lordship while thanking his handkercheif which, for some reason, he had christened 'Goodness', "I thought me demmed blunderbuss had gorn orff and shattered the window."

Bang!

Crash!!!

Shatter!!!!

"What was that??"

"Sorry, that was me," admitted Mr Bond, "I tripped over your cat and fell into the fish tank. I do apologise."

"Thank 'ee, hanky," said his Lordship.

Bang!

Crash!!!

Shatter!!!!

"What was .... ??"

 

[Zubi-Ondo]

"...that?" asked Old Runcible, "Ncej Cooooojepkliv &8 &9 Threep Swtutnkummen disjuponk@#!*&%#$", she added.

"Ah, yes." Mr. Bondjamesbond agreed politely. "We'll get to that staight away."

Meanwhile the hole in the large bay window in the living room that faintly resembled The NCC-1701's viewscreen was showing signs of spider cracks.

Anaconda purred like a leopard. "Mmmmm... I love spider cracks! They're my favorite!"

"Nert quite as taesty as thet boiled ballcock we had deh odder nate." Captain Vermin said, lowering his lower jaw a little lower to let in some of the vampire moth pupae that were beginning to hatch.

Just as Bondjamesbond tried to exit through the basement door, Gerbil Head popped his incommodious little head up from the first stair, and tripped Bondjamesbond who managed to grab onto the 40 watt light bulb hanging from the stairshaft ceiling and swing into the open hatch of Old Runcible's replica of the late My human's escape pod. Scanning the control board quickly, he said "Hmm, I wonder what that button does?"

Meanwhile, up in the parlour Old Runcible was shoveling the last bits of leftover rasberry tart into her gruesome portal. "I sure do miss those rats." she said with a hint of sentimentality.

 

[Interference]

As the glass splintered, it began to look as though their miraculous survival would be brought to an abrupt, if timely, end. What would be, as Old Runcible contemplated philosophically, would be.

As though in sympathy with the resonance of the moment, the sound of Doris Day's voice echoed as from a great distance," When I was juuust a liiiitle giiiirl ..." and some stock footage of Alfred Hitchcock climbing aboard a bus with a cello case appeared on the screen-like window.

"I do believe," said His Lordship, "that we're actually doomed, as it were. Anyone else fancy some crumpets?"

The air howled through the crack, widening the break in the glass until, a surprising equilibrium was reached. Something from outside was countering the escape of the air.

"I say, that's abit thick, isn't it?" said His Lordship. "Just as I'd got myself all prepared and suchlike to meet the old Maker, dont you know."

"We're saved!" someone else exclaimed, but it would take a re-reading of the story so far to decide who.

"But how?" asked someone else, see ref. above.

Just then a hairpiece flew through the open window and landed on Old Runcible's head.

"This looks like Bondjamesbond's head warmer," he said.

"I see what has happened," quoth His Lordship, and he proceeded to describe the menchanism of Fate which had saved them all from a terrible ... fate ....

 

[Zubi-Ondo]

As the guests of the space house pondered this notion, it soon became quite apparent that this was no hairpiece, no headwarmer, no periwig, no postiche of horse hair, since, as the toupee began to pee, gleaming golden driplets dribbled down old Runcible's cheeks, and all who occupied the room were soon enlightened to the simple matter that it was merely the incontinent Gerbil Head having had his fur spiked out by an electrostatic charge buildup when he slipped through the ventilation system under the stairs.

Meanwhile, Anaconda asked his Lordship, "You we're saying?"

He got as far as "Well..." When the old captain interrupted. "Yar deh otter of yer own faet." He said as he sidled up to old Runcible and put his cigar out by wetting it with dripping urine.

"What?" asked Anaconda.

I believe he said "You're the otter of your own fat." Mr. Bondjamesbond said over the intercom.

"Threep usyevfoir p0o9i3 @#%^* zxipplewhip." Old Runcible chimed in as she flung the odious little creature from upon her head to a destination across the room - the other fish tank. "What he means is - You're the author of your own fate."

"Would any of you like a ride to a little-known verdant region of Jupiter's third moon that we'll be passing in a moment?" asked Bondjamesbond.

"I vote his Lordship should be the first to accept Mr. Bondsjamesband's offer." To the surprise of most of the room's occupants, this remark was spoken by a Lobster who had poked his head out of the other fish tank, given that his aqueous abode had just been invaded by a pee laden mammal of some kind.