Opening Chapter To A Novel PT II

[The Bloated One]

Zhang,

So, If I read you correctly, you don't feel the indicators of Catholic involvement and Vlad Tepes are strong enough in the prologue? You want it to be made clearer so you know where it is leading?

TBO

 

[Jarshen]

Sorry all, I have not expressed my concerns well enough,

and when old enough, to a brothel in Montmarte

I was wondering how long Adele has been at the brothel, what age you thought she went there. I suggested 12 as a possibilty, and I agree Giovanna, children can be and are unfortunately prostitutes, so as a possibilty she would have been there for 9 years! It will have affected her, and however long, I want to see her behaviour in that place.

Perhaps she could her flirt with Bergerac or else talk with one of the other girls, but I feel we lack a sense of her being there for a time. Also how does she feels about this special client? It is different, so is she nervous or excited? I want to see her placed there.

I do not think it will upset any warmth the reader might feel.

But this is just the start, I may be trying to force too much in and apologies for my poor crit earlier.

 

[Zhang]

Zhang,

So, If I read you correctly, you don't feel the indicators of Catholic involvement and Vlad Tepes are strong enough in the prologue? You want it to be made clearer so you know where it is leading?

TBO

That's right.

 

[The Bloated One]

Zhang,

Thanks, very helpful incite. I'll see what I can improve.

TBO

 

[The Bloated One]

Jarshen,

I see what you mean. At the moment it is PURE narrative, rather than showing how Adele feels. As a result you, the reader question her actions as a prostitute e.g. skipping, as that is all you have been told about her. I need to give her depth as soon as possible.

Flirting with Bergerac got me thinking, and meeting another girl on the stairs would be an opportunity for an insight.

Thanks, I'll work these ideas through.

TBO