A (Hopefully) Much Better Prologue for Frontier Zone. Alliance, Empire, and Hegemony.

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Re: A (Hopefully) Much Better Prologue for Frontier Zone. Alliance, Empire, and Hegem

Well, let's not derail this thread with a whole other conversation, but the golden rule is this: Only people with fame and lots of money can get away with a cliché. You are not famous, nor do you have lots of money, so no. Avoid cliché like the plague.
 
Re: A (Hopefully) Much Better Prologue for Frontier Zone. Alliance, Empire, and Hegem

Glowing red eyes is already established as canon for my Frontier Zone Universe, so I'm not changing that. The rest I'll take under advisement. (I self publish, as has already been noted, and have a Role-playing game set in this Universe already available for sale. The Mordum are already established as having glowing red eyes, so to change that now, clliché or not, wouldn't make sense.)
 
Re: A (Hopefully) Much Better Prologue for Frontier Zone. Alliance, Empire, and Hegem

Frontier Zone. Alliance, Empire, or Hegemony?
By Stuart L. Sexton
frontierzone@verizon.net





































Frontier Zone. Alliance, Empire, or Hegemony?



















All characters are fictional, and any resemblance to real persons, either living, dead, Human, Yajeebian, Chun, Shardon, Mordum, or any other life form, are strictly coincidental.

Dedicated to God, The Blessed Virgin Mary, Amy, and to my mom.
Special thanks to all who have helped to proofread this work, including Erica Smith, Rick Dahm, and those at the Chronicles Network.

© 2008-2009 Stuart L. Sexton, all rights reserved.






















Prologue.



A tall, gaunt, ashen skinned male humanoid, with thin stringy black hair and glowing red eyes, stood in the center of a circular chamber, surrounded by similar creatures of both sexes, seated at computer work stations of some sort. Each one of these creatures (including the one standing) was wearing a hooded purple robe with blood red writing on the cuffs of his or her sleeves.

The walls of the chamber were the same shade of purple as their robes, and also sported blood red writing. On one wall of the chamber there was a large Holo-Vid screen, with the view of a large nebula taking up most of it. The nebula seemed to grow in size with the passing of each second. The one standing in the center of the chamber was facing the Holo-Vid screen, with his thin dark grey lips quirked up in a smirk.


He then turned toward the female at his two o’clock position, and said, “*Captain Zilnik.
Any sign of enemy space vehicles?”

# Mordum ranks are as follows. Enlisted: Batzik (Private), Naksta (Corporal), and Antrenaksta (Sergeant). Officers: Hepitin (Captain), Opurhepitin (Colonel), Gruzzurhepitin (General), and Vialtz Gruzzurhepitin (Field Marshal).

Her reply was clipped. “No, sir! General, sir!”

“Continue scanning,” said the General.

He seemed to stare at her for longer than should be necessary. As he did so, his eyes glowed all the brighter, and his smirk grew into a lecherous grin.

The General then turned his attention to the male two stations to Captain Zilnik’s right.
“Captain Volkron. Send a report of our progress to Field Marshal Krentz at Base three hundred and eighty one.”

“Sir, yes sir!” the male replied.

Captain Zilnik then addressed the General. “Sir! I have detected an enemy space vehicle. It is what the Humans call a ‘Ticonderoga Class Cruiser’, sir!”

“Are they keeping to their side of the border, Captain?” asked the General.

“Yes, sir,” replied the Captain. “They are patrolling and scanning the border, one point six six **Astronomical Units inside their space, sir.”


# Measured by Mordum, not Human standards. A Mordum AU is roughly six light-minutes distance, since Mordus II is a lot closer to Mordus Prime than Earth is to Sol.

The General scowled, and then he addressed the female seated at the computer work station facing the Holo-Vid screen.

“Sergeant Markal. Fly us to one AU's distance from the border between our Hegemony and United Systems Alliance space. Maximum speed till we reach our destination, then slow to match the enemy‘s speed. Once we‘re there, we will mirror their patrol pattern.”

“Sir, yes sir!” came the reply.

The view on the Holo-Vid screen shifted, as the nebula seemed to move to the right of the screen, before going completely out of the frame. The scene ahead changed to that of a star field in motion.

Suddenly, the star field went from points of light, seeming to draw nearer to them, to streaks of light, shifting to blue upon approach. They were at their new patrol destination within five minutes, having traveled there at the speed of thirty light-years per day.

Once they began their parallel patrol with the enemy, the General addressed his staff. “Everyone, put up your hoods, I am going to place a visual call to the Commanding Officer of that space vehicle, and I don’t want any of my staff to risk being seen by them.

“The well being of your souls is my responsibility, and the Chancellor would banish me along with anyone from my staff whose soul was corrupted while serving under me.”
Hoods went up, and the General then nodded to Captain Volkron. “Send the signal,
Captain.”

“Sir, yes sir!” came the reply.

The General looked straight at the Holo-Vid screen. “Greetings, United Systems Alliance space vehicle. This is General Malkantz, of the Mordum Hegemony Command Space Vehicle Number one thousand two hundred and fifty-seven. I demand to speak to your Commanding Officer.”

A large bear of a man, with curly brown hair, and deep brown eyes, appeared on the screen. “This is Captain Jacob Amstutz, Commanding Officer of the USS Ticonderoga. With all due respect, General, I think the word ‘demand’ is a bit inappropriate, since both of our ships are keeping within the latest stipulations of the Armistice. Neither you or we have crossed the established border. We, like you, are simply on patrol.”

“Hmph!” snorted General Malkantz. “Who are you, a mere Captain, to remind a General of these things?”

“You forget, General,” came Captain Amstutz’s retort, “that the United Systems Alliance military not only has three more branches of service than the Mordum Hegemony, but we also have a different ranking system than yours. Technically, if we were to compare our ranks, in our Navy, a Captain would outrank one of your Field Marshals, let alone a mere General.”

“WHAT?!” shouted the General, incredulously.

“However,” continued Captain Amstutz, unfazed by the General’s fit of ill temper. “Since you and I both command vessels that are classified by our Navy as ‘cruisers’, that makes us both ‘cruiser skippers’, and thus, equals in rank.”

“BAH!” shouted General Malkantz. “You are a Human! You hardly qualify as my ‘equal’ in anything!”

Captain Amstutz sighed. “General. Did you have a valid point for hailing me, or did you simply call me to bluster and huff?”

The General let out a sort of snorting laughter. “Very well, Captain Amstutz. Are you sure you are not at least part Mordum? You certainly have the kletchblins to be. I was simply wishing to let you know that we are here, and that we are watching you. Keep to your side, Captain, and there will be no trouble.”

The Captain gave a ****-eating grin. “The same to you, General. Amstutz out.”
“Malkantz out,” said the General. At that, the transmission ended.
******************************************
Seated behind the desk of her sea cabin, listening to a recording of the exchange between General Malkantz and Captain Amstutz, was a very attractive female cat-like biped, with tan fur, and wearing a long sleeved black wrap-around tunic over a white blouse with a high, stiff collar, and a white, gold trimmed mortarboard on either shoulder, denoting her rank, (symbolized by a gold curved sword rank pin).

Completing her uniform was a pair of white trousers with one inch thick black piping down the sides (and a specially made hole for her tail to poke through) tucked into immaculately polished patent leather knee-high jackboots. On her hands she wore white gloves, which went up to her wrists. Over her left breast was an impressive display of ribbons. Her white weapons belt, which had both her side arm and her curved ceremonial sword, hung from a peg on the wall to her right.

When she heard Captain Amstutz’s retort to General Malkantz’s erroneous statement regarding their respective ranks, she gave out a hissing laugh.

Once the recording had finished playing, she turned off the player, got up from her chair, and put on her weapons belt.

She then went over to the intercom mounted on the wall by her sea cabin door, and touched the key pad.

“Lieutenant Shing’fong, this is Commander To’ying’li. I am on my way to the Command Deck. Li out.”

“Yes, Commander,” came the reply. “Fong out.”

With that, Commander Li exited her sea cabin, and headed toward the Command Deck.
******************************************
Once the transmission had ended, Captain Amstutz shuddered, and addressed the tall and imposing Native American man standing at his right.

“They always give me the creeps, John. It’s the red eyes glowing out from under those dark purple robes that gets me.”

The other man laughed. “Yes, Jacob, I know. They remind me of the wraiths in your fantasy role-playing game. Spooky.”

“Yes,” laughed Jacob. “They do at that. Speaking of which, I’m getting a game going after this duty shift. Helluva dungeon, too, if I might say so. You in?”

It was John’s turn for a ****-eating grin. “Wouldn’t miss it for the galaxy, Jacob. Right now, though, I have my rounds to make.”

Jacob nodded. “Right, John. I’m keeping us at yellow alert until we reach that area of unclaimed space. Once you’ve made your rounds, head on down and take over in Auxiliary Command Deck.”

“Affirmative, Captain,” said the Exec, matter-of-factly.
 
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Re: A (Hopefully) Much Better Prologue for Frontier Zone. Alliance, Empire, and Hegem

Just from a technical/grammar point of view; there is no such thing as a 'mute point'. The correct phrase is 'moot point', but somewhere along the line folks made a joke about about a point being mute (myoot) as in silent. Don't know why it caught on, but it is incorrect grammatically.

And don't take every one's negative criticism personally. It is meant to encourage you to keep writing. Just take from criticism what you wish and keep working. Writing, writing, writing is what is important and in the long run, if you are satisfied with something, you should feel good about it.

You are right about the mute point thing. I guess must have remembered wrong. (I've been out of school for 25 years, and they say the memory is the first thing to go. I forget what the second is.. I've been out of school for 25 years, and they say the memory is the first thing to go. I forget what the second is... I've been out of school for 25 years, and they say the memory is the first thing to go. I forget what the second is...)

It wasn't so much that I took the criticism personally, but that we were misunderstanding each other. It's all cool now, though.


By the way, I had to correct your spelling. LOL.
 
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Re: A (Hopefully) Much Better Prologue for Frontier Zone. Alliance, Empire, and Hegem

One thing I wanted to point out was that you seem to have combined vessel 'class' and vessel 'name'. You've got a the USS Ticonderoga, a Ticonderoga class cruiser, was that intended or a mistake? I'm no military history expert by any stretch, but I would find it rather surprising if there were a large number of vessels in our own history that shared their given name with that of their production class.

Is it one of many Ticonderoga-class or is it the ONLY Ticonderoga class? If the latter, why is it a class?
 
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Re: A (Hopefully) Much Better Prologue for Frontier Zone. Alliance, Empire, and Hegem

One thing I wanted to point out was that you seem to have combined vessel 'class' and vessel 'name'. You've got a the USS Ticonderoga, a Ticonderoga class cruiser, was that intended or a mistake? I'm no military history expert by any stretch, but I would find it rather surprising if there were a large number of vessels in our own history that shared their given name with that of their production class.

Is it one of many Ticonderoga-class or is it the ONLY Ticonderoga class? If the latter, why is it a class?

it may just be the first vessel in that class, and the remainder of the class will be built on that design - it that case, it would make sense for the ship's name and class to be the same.
 
Re: A (Hopefully) Much Better Prologue for Frontier Zone. Alliance, Empire, and Hegem

I lost the illusion at the end with them two talking about fantasy RPG's. Sorry.
 
Re: A (Hopefully) Much Better Prologue for Frontier Zone. Alliance, Empire, and Hegem

I'm sorry about my words Frontierzone. It's just that at the end, after I've read it a couple of times, I cannot figure out a rough old space captain taking out the books, dices, maps, and the character sheets and go on with the good old gaming. It just didn't fit in my world perspective.

FASA, TSR, WhiteWolf and rest of the game developers has made remarkable novels based on their game settings, but thing is, they never talked about the geeky stuff and I don't think you should either. Though I'm not saying it's wrong.

You are the artist and you should know better, like you did with the eye bits. It's your book, your characters, your settings and nobody can take that away from you.
 
Re: A (Hopefully) Much Better Prologue for Frontier Zone. Alliance, Empire, and Hegem

mate there was lots of criticism of your story but most will agree with me that it was the details not the major points whet needed some work, over all the beginning of your story is interesting and I hope you'll post more as i enjoyed reading the opening.
P.S. if this didn't mace any sense I challenge anyone else to write a comment after 12 bears!
 
Re: A (Hopefully) Much Better Prologue for Frontier Zone. Alliance, Empire, and Hegem

:D but the taste and the effect is so good!!!:D
 
Re: A (Hopefully) Much Better Prologue for Frontier Zone. Alliance, Empire, and Hegem

To be honest I'm not sure if I could stand after twelve bears, let alone type... I know have this image of you standing strandling the corpse of an animal with a spear yelling "Have at you creature, I have b34r!"

Two quick observations, as I have yet to read the whole passage. The names seem a little awkward. Though I understand this is sometimes a desired effect in alien names, the effect is to give an ambiguous (sp) pronounciation, where the reader will attempt to bypass the jerky nature by adding dividers, silences and sounds to help ease the word. It may be useful (though the technique is overdone) to add apostophes in the words, or try for more natural sounding names.

The second is although the opening paragraphs are very good, I lost the tread past this point, not quite understanding the smirk/grin moment for example. Perhaps adding more inter-dialogue description could ease understanding. Giving more of a sense of atmosphere early on really aids later reading.

I will attempt at all when I have more time, quite a good read thus far
 
Re: A (Hopefully) Much Better Prologue for Frontier Zone. Alliance, Empire, and Hegem

I'm sorry about my words Frontierzone. It's just that at the end, after I've read it a couple of times, I cannot figure out a rough old space captain taking out the books, dices, maps, and the character sheets and go on with the good old gaming. It just didn't fit in my world perspective.

I actually know former navy people who used to relax on their off-duty time playing RPGs. In fact, I know of one incident on a U.S. aircraft carrier, during the Cold War, where the XO noticed that they were being shadowed by a Soviet sub. He was part of an SCA Shire that actually was on the carrier, (One of two U.S. ships with their own SCA Shire) so he got permission from the Captain to call a fighter practice on the flight deck! (Imagine the Soviet submariners, wondering what the crazy Americans were doing waving swords around, and wearing medieval armor?)

My point is, there are all sorts of recreational activities done on a Naval Vessel. How is a RPG any different than the use of the Holodeck on STTNG? Why shouldn't my Captain Role-play? Again, I know former Navy personnel who would disagree with you.
 
Re: A (Hopefully) Much Better Prologue for Frontier Zone. Alliance, Empire, and Hegem

The problem remains that it is not whether or not you understand or think that it should be there. Of course you do, else you would not have read it. However, the reader will not have your trail of thought, nor would he know the Navy personnel, and as such this moment could jarr them out of the reality you are trying to produce.
 
Re: A (Hopefully) Much Better Prologue for Frontier Zone. Alliance, Empire, and Hegem

I think the problem with the gaming reference is that it reminds the reader that this is just a story. It's a bit like having aliens invade and one soldier remarking to another "Aliens? They only exist in science fiction!" - at which point the reader is reminded that SF exists and he is currently reading it. (I never liked the line in the film Aliens, where Bill Paxton cries "This ain't happening, man!" Thanks for reminding me, Bill).

Another point is that RPGs are seen by 21st century people as the preserve of a certain type of (young, geeky and civilian) person. I accept there are exceptions, as you say, but the reader may well make assumptions based on experience/stereotype. What I can easily envisage is them playing some sort of strategy game, perhaps a sort of holographic Warhammer 40,000 or something like that.

Anyhow, it's a small point, but it does jar.
 
Re: A (Hopefully) Much Better Prologue for Frontier Zone. Alliance, Empire, and Hegem

I see your point, but I don't entirely agree. I have, however, changed the reference somewhat, by switching it to the Captain and XO joking about the science officer's fantasy RPGs. (In other words, the science officer fits the stereotype.)

But I must point out, again, tha there are MANY in the military who play RPGs. In fact, I'm not the first fiction writer to have a refernce to RPGs in a military setting. (Ever see the movie Taps?) I'd also like to point out that video games and strategy games are also often played by those geeks you describe. (In fact, I know more civialians who are geeky military wannabes, who play stategy games, than I do geeky RPG players. Most RPG players that I know are actually professional 9 to 5ers, and many are ex-military.)
 
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