Why don't the attackers just crack the planet?

[Dozmonic]

Yeah, it's scarily similar to the lord of the rings ;-)

 

[Scifi fan]

Pyan,

I've been thinking - the characterizations take away from the action sequence, so how about cutting out the fluff in your story. How about ...

THE DESTROYERS

BANG!
​

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

Scifi I couldn't disagree more. I think your version lacks the world building that contrast so well against the suddenness of the ending.

Pyan: Again you fail to develop the wifes reason for being there. You could just have Tom looking up and seeing something without the need for wife's demise.

As for the possibility of developing a trilogy Scifi - Why the hell not. There must be billions of planets out there. Each book could have its Tom character - He could even keep the name of the hero the same and could call it the 'Worlds End'

He could have Tom the farmer as above.
Tom the miller and so on.

Lets face it the plot beats Star Wars hands down and look what happened there.

 

[Scifi fan]

What's a wife's reason for being there? In fact, give her a name and advise if the farmer's wife is good looking, kinda like Zsa Zsa Gabor in Green Acres.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

What's a wife's reason for being there? In fact, give her a name and advise if the farmer's wife is good looking, kinda like Zsa Zsa Gabor in Green Acres.

Now here I have to agree Scifi. Yes indeed. A bit a sexual tension always does wonders to a story line. Even if the wife's as ugly as an ugly thing there would still be plenty of time between the B and the G to develop Toms feeling of inadequacy and deeper psychological frustrations.

 

[Scifi fan]

Then we have to talk of the Destroyer's motivations for cracking the planet. We don't even know if they're human or alien. Or will this be revealed in the second volume of the trilogy?

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

No, no I think we might risk a prologue.

Their deep dislike of planets resulting from some trauma suffered in early life could be fully explored.

Maybe they were treated badly by their own planet in their formative years.

 

[Scifi fan]

Who're "they"? Aliens or other humans?

 

[Pyan]

Final version...

The Destroyers


Chapter One

Tom was working in the barn, fixing the wheel on the left-hand side of the hay-rake - the one that always squeaked and pulled to that side - which was only to be expected, as he'd caught it on a gate-post ( the one on the entry to the top forty-acre field, that had come into the farm when his uncle had died - him that married a widow from over Hillhouse way, and never had a day's peace since - well, it was only to be expected, as she'd talked her first husband to death, they said - them being the local coterie of gossips and naggers that you get in any farming area) the very first time he'd tried to get it into the field - eventually, he'd had to move the post, as it'd always been a narrow entry - you had to sort of start to turn, then back up a ways and twist the wheels of anything larger than the dog-cart to get in there at all...anyway, he'd bent the stub-axle on the hayrake, and it'd never been right since, so as he had a few spare hours - and that was something that was rare indeed in a farmers life here in the far reaches of the Realm, as anyone can tell you that's tried to scratch a living from the soil - if that's what you'd dignify with that name, as most of it was as dry as dust and blew away with the slightest hint of a breeze (and a breeze in itself was a rare thing around there - it was usually either stifling hot and totally calm, so everyone baked in the sun, as was right and proper for the sort of poor peasants that all the locals really were, or it blew a hurricane, and all the topsoil, along with what was struggling to grow in it just disappeared over the horizon...so, he'd managed to get the axle-cap off, and was examining the end of the stub-axle with a worried expression on his honest, if somewhat careworn face - the usual sort of face you find in the countryside, when he heard a noise and looked up...

BANG!


The End

Tht's it - no more revisions. Thanks for all the input, but I feel that that can't be improved upon.

 

[Scifi fan]

Will there be a sequel? Or perhaps a trilogy? George Lucas must be getting nervous.

 

[Harpo]

I feel I must point out that "BANG!" isn't very specific. Is it the barn door slamming shut in a gust of wind? Is it Tom's wife shooting him after finding out about him and Zsa Zsa Gabor? Is it the world being cracked? Is it the shiny saucer-shaped thing in the sky breaking the sound barrier as it departs hastily, for fear that Tom's wife might be running to fetch a camera?

 

[Pyan]

I feel I must point out that "BANG!" isn't very specific. Is it the barn door slamming shut in a gust of wind? Is it Tom's wife shooting him after finding out about him and Zsa Zsa Gabor? Is it the world being cracked? Is it the shiny saucer-shaped thing in the sky breaking the sound barrier as it departs hastily, for fear that Tom's wife might be running to fetch a camera?

What shiny saucer-shaped thing would that be, Harpo? Can you quote from the last revision exactly where this object might be mentioned?...

 

[Harpo]

the one implied in the title, of course.

Tom's wife has been removed entirely, you've lost half the characters (and characterisation) of the story

 

[Pyan]

the one implied in the title, of course.

Criticism of implication, eh? That's an interesting idea.
I think I'll do a critical evaluation of "Red Dwarf" regarding the total lack of Communist Persons of Restricted Growth in the crew...

Tom's wife has been removed entirely, you've lost half the characters (and characterisation) of the story

No, I've streamlined the action by cutting unnecessarily complex complications of characterisation from the narrative - it's a different thing altogether...

 

[Harpo]

You still haven't explained what the "BANG!" is, though.

Barn door in the wind? Tom dropping his hammer? Mystery event, leaving the way open for a sequel?

 

[Pyan]

Sheesh!

The Destroyers


Chapter One

Tom was working in the barn, fixing the wheel on the left-hand side of the hay-rake - the one that always squeaked and pulled to that side - which was only to be expected, as he'd caught it on a gate-post ( the one on the entry to the top forty-acre field, that had come into the farm when his uncle had died - him that married a widow from over Hillhouse way, and never had a day's peace since - well, it was only to be expected, as she'd talked her first husband to death, they said - them being the local coterie of gossips and naggers that you get in any farming area) the very first time he'd tried to get it into the field - eventually, he'd had to move the post, as it'd always been a narrow entry - you had to sort of start to turn, then back up a ways and twist the wheels of anything larger than the dog-cart to get in there at all...anyway, he'd bent the stub-axle on the hayrake, and it'd never been right since, so as he had a few spare hours - and that was something that was rare indeed in a farmers life here in the far reaches of the Realm, as anyone can tell you that's tried to scratch a living from the soil - if that's what you'd dignify with that name, as most of it was as dry as dust and blew away with the slightest hint of a breeze (and a breeze in itself was a rare thing around there - it was usually either stifling hot and totally calm, so everyone baked in the sun, as was right and proper for the sort of poor peasants that all the locals really were, or it blew a hurricane, and all the topsoil, along with what was struggling to grow in it just disappeared over the horizon...so, he'd managed to get the axle-cap off, and was examining the end of the stub-axle with a worried expression on his honest, if somewhat careworn face - the usual sort of face you find in the countryside, when he heard a noise and looked up...

BANG!

The planet exploded....


The End

Happy now?

 

[Harpo]

It'll do

 

[Scifi fan]

Will there be a sequel?

 

[The Procrastinator]

A suggested sequel.

D2


K'Tomk was working on a faulty radio transceiver, having drawn the short straw on this most stultifying and commonly repeated of jobs on the Royal Starship "Business Opportunities Must Be Vigorously Pursued", and was trying not to bounce ungracefully on the outer hull, for he knew the others would be watching in case he did something worthy of recording and sending in to Funniest Home Space Accident Videos, the highlight of the week around here. Suddenly his attention was distracted by a light smattering sensation, initially felt on his tentacle protectors, then growing heavier until he could feel it along his dorsal spike protectors. He turned, frowning, so that the little pebbles bounced off his faceshield.
"Hold on," he thought. "Are those planet crumbs?"
He was about to signal his bored crewmates when a flash of light caught his far right visual receptor, which widened as he turned to see what it was...

BANG!

 

[Scifi fan]

Do a trilogy and George Lucas will be quaking in his boots.

THE RETURN OF THE BANG

Jane was working in her office, commanding trillions of credits of research funding, when she looked out the tall panes of her corner office and saw a large, saucer-shaped craft. It began glowing and ...

BANG!
​