Michael01
Coven of the Worm
Ah, slow down now, Blair. There's no need to apologize so much. I get the feeling Chris likes doing some critiquing here and there anyway, otherwise he probably wouldn't bother. It does take time, which is why I couldn't finish what I started myself earlier. I don't know about Chris, but I thought it might be best just to try to show you what you need to look for yourself, rather than correcting everything.
To answer your questions, these are things I'm still learning myself and I struggle with them every day. I received a critique this morning on AW where the poster felt the narrative of my first chapter was "too detached" and didn't have "enough emotion." This is why I said that writing is the easy part.
There are others here who might give you a better idea of what you need to do, but I'll give it a shot.
I suppose it's best to start with the more emotional scene. Personally, I like the way you began with this paragraph. It drew me in effectively and I felt like I'd want to learn more about this character, but let me show you how you could at least improve the writing (if not the storytelling):
This isn't the best edit, but I hope it helps you to see how you might start to clean up your work a bit.
I don't like following a comma with "well." That may just be personal taste, though.
Also, we often use the single dashes with spaces around them ( - ) in the forum posts to represent the double double dash (with no spaces), because they tend to get broken if they're at the end of line. In "good-for-nothing" you don't need the spaces, nor will you need them in the original word processing document (where the double dash is the correct form and the program should automatically format it into a single long dash).
Semi-colons are used to separate two connected ideas that would be complete sentences on their own. You have the connection, but "especially Terry Bode and his good-for-nothing gang of misfits and bullies" is a fragment that could not stand on its own.
I didn't like the use of the colon in the last sentence, either. Again, that may be personal taste, but I thought it worked better as two separate sentences.
You're also still slipping between past and present tense. You'll need to watch that; however, it's probably best to write first, then go back later to look for these errors (some of which occur even in the most seasoned writer's work).
There are other things that I marked in red in your original paragraph. Look at them, compare it to the way I rewrote it, think about what they mean and what you need to do to improve your own writing.
EDIT: Sorry, nevermind. I think past tense is the convention either way, right?
I probably wouldn't, except for a few cues here and there (especially since it's written from Jake's POV) - which may be something on which I need to work. As I said, I'm still struggling with a lot of this myself, and I've been writing most of my life (I started around 12 or 13 and I'm 42 now).
To answer your questions, these are things I'm still learning myself and I struggle with them every day. I received a critique this morning on AW where the poster felt the narrative of my first chapter was "too detached" and didn't have "enough emotion." This is why I said that writing is the easy part.
There are others here who might give you a better idea of what you need to do, but I'll give it a shot.
I dunno either Mr. Michael.
I'm currently writing the first part of the story and I have some questions that I wish to ask you:
1. should I start immediately on describing the main characters basic profile(like describing how he lives, his parents, his bestfriend) or should I start with a scene that emphasizes on the characters feelings like this:
"I really wished it was still summer. I never really liked Highschool anyway, not the kind of way it runs here, and if not for my parents and for my bestfriend Kyrie, I would've ditched it completely. Kyrie was and the only friend I had since kindergarten. She was also the only girl that wasn't "allergic" to my "loser virus". most seniors in my school, well, are jerks; especially Terry Bode and his good - for - nothing gang of misfits and bullies. It puzzles me sometimes: why would girls prefer guys who look stupid, act stupid and ARE really stupid?
I suppose it's best to start with the more emotional scene. Personally, I like the way you began with this paragraph. It drew me in effectively and I felt like I'd want to learn more about this character, but let me show you how you could at least improve the writing (if not the storytelling):
This isn't the best edit, but I hope it helps you to see how you might start to clean up your work a bit.
I don't like following a comma with "well." That may just be personal taste, though.
Also, we often use the single dashes with spaces around them ( - ) in the forum posts to represent the double double dash (with no spaces), because they tend to get broken if they're at the end of line. In "good-for-nothing" you don't need the spaces, nor will you need them in the original word processing document (where the double dash is the correct form and the program should automatically format it into a single long dash).
Semi-colons are used to separate two connected ideas that would be complete sentences on their own. You have the connection, but "especially Terry Bode and his good-for-nothing gang of misfits and bullies" is a fragment that could not stand on its own.
I didn't like the use of the colon in the last sentence, either. Again, that may be personal taste, but I thought it worked better as two separate sentences.
You're also still slipping between past and present tense. You'll need to watch that; however, it's probably best to write first, then go back later to look for these errors (some of which occur even in the most seasoned writer's work).
There are other things that I marked in red in your original paragraph. Look at them, compare it to the way I rewrote it, think about what they mean and what you need to do to improve your own writing.
EDIT: Sorry, nevermind. I think past tense is the convention either way, right?
I probably wouldn't, except for a few cues here and there (especially since it's written from Jake's POV) - which may be something on which I need to work. As I said, I'm still struggling with a lot of this myself, and I've been writing most of my life (I started around 12 or 13 and I'm 42 now).
