Oooooh, let me see . . . toes to step on, toes to step on . . .
Anne Rice: crap! She has allowed characters to whine for book after book without doing anything whatsoever. She obviously has an agenda against females, because she kills the strong ones (Claudia, Akasha) and kills the weak ones (Madeleine.) She seems to think that her homoerotica is somehow avant garde, when it is not. She talks about Lestat as though he is a real person, whcih he is not. And even is he was, he is an annoying little poof who certainly has better things to do than romance Anne Rice - like starting rock bands and making scenes. Rock bands, I might add, that include musicains with names like "Tough Cookie." How can you pitch something like "The Vampire Lestat"? A powerful and ancient vampire is awakened by Goth music and decides to become a rock star revealing vampire secrets in his lyrics. Okay, my charisma roll vs. your appearance roll reveals . . . whoo! Bring on the pointy-dice plots, please!
On that note, Terry Goodkind: crap! One of the funniest things I ever saw written on Amazon.com was the following sentence, "If Terry was both good and kind, he would stop writing immediately." I have no respect for an author who writes an overly capable tall muscular male character who never shuts up about his views, is always right, and, despite being the most irritating character ever, is still wanted by every female down the line. If plotting fails, throw in some sex! That will fix everything, especially if it's kinky. Red leather domintrix sluts with hearts of gold? Check. Super hottie way powerful dumb as a brick wife? Check. Every other female described as groin-clenchingly beautiful? Check. Also, Terry Goodkind is a homphobic wank job: not only is one of the evil characters gay, but he is also a pedophile and a rapist. Charming! The only effeminate male character is also the bad guy, Panis Rahl. Of, just call him Penis to confirm your hatred of all forms of competition and get over it, Goodkind! Luckily, with the reviews the most recent book is getting, Goodkind is about to get served. Just like . . .
Robert Jordan: crap! If you thought Anakin Skywalker could whine, wait until you meet Rand. He manages to whine for approximately 600 pages per book, and no one has killed him yet. It's amazing. It's death-defying. Also, female characters are all scheming, plotting, bitchy, and prone to sniffing and braid tugging. I don't know how Jordan manages to write collasal books o' nothing, but he does. He claims that he knows how the series ends: well end it already! Have some courage! Slay the beast and move on to something else! Aargh!
Anne Bishop: crap! Anne Bishop is a sneaky one. Basically she sells you on a society composed of strong, powerful female characters who have twisted men into willingly submissive little things, placed them in snazzy collars, and taken over the world. Now, let me see. If the female character is evil, then she is also a slut who likes to torture men, castrate men, and kill men. If she is good, then she is either an innocent virgin, recently raped and stripped of her power, or faithful to one man. One enslaved man. One enslaved man over whom she has a big pile o' power. Riiiiiiiight. And the best thing is that despite these liberated hard-core sex-lovin' witches, the old gender stereotypes dance and sing with aplomb. Or, let me clarify, gender stereotypes from a bad romance novel. Men fuss at women (who, let me remind you, are their owners) about the joys of cuddling and their need to feel manly and take care of women. Women are pouty, bitchy, and scheme-y, with lots of hair flinging and flouncing around, but no real ability to do anything without their man-slaves help. Where was the idea of empowerment here? Finally, remember those snazzy collars I mentioned? They aren't around the neck, no sir. They are super snazzy penis rings. Whoo!
Finally, Sephera Giron: CRAP! I can't say anything about her that will get across the sheer mind-numbing badness of her writing. She refuses to use contractions, yet she is an English major. It makes her chracters sound stilted and unbelievable. She actually, in all seriousness, uses the phrase "hot monkey love" when one of her characters is sad over her missing husband. She uses a urine-drinking cult as a sub plot that goes absolutely nowhere. Grammatical errors abound. She's a horror writer, but if anyone has a sliver of doubt about their own ability, please read "Borrowed Flesh" or "House of Pain." I promise that you will feel a thousand times better.
End rant. That felt really good.
Lucifer.
, there are quite some names in that list that some people here think of as brilliant writers. But that's okay. It's your personal opinion and you've got a right to that.
