Invasion (revision from Reflections)

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Michael01

Coven of the Worm
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The people who love you are worth more than gold.
I did leave this in a post on the other thread, but it seems like everyone is missing it so I started a new one.

You've all been very helpful by showing me what needs work in my writing. I've considered everyone's comments and made a few changes to the story. I still would not consider this a final draft, of course, but each time I revise there should be improvement. That's what I'm hoping for here.

On a lighter note, I have finally started to get a few positive comments on this one at AW. So far one person, who said he really enjoyed it, pointed out how convenient it is for Sombr to "remember" the promise of immeasurable power just after an invasion, but that's it. (Edit: Oops. Sorry. he also mentioned that Sombr could be a little more panicked). He also thought the pacing worked better in this draft. I'm already working on possibilities for revising the "convenience," but I thought I'd wait until I get more crits.

I've also got a question. It seems I have a knack for "less than desirable" openings (which is putting it mildly). In this case, I've actually started the story from the POV of the antagonist. Is this acceptable, or does chapter one have to be in the protagonist's POV? If so, I have some ideas for a new first chapter, but I thought I'd check first.

EDIT: It's in the second chapter, but I realized that I have Crazy Hawk address Sombr as "Majesty." I've changed it to "Highness." Is that the proper address for a Prince, while "Majesty" is reserved for the monarch?

I've changed "Matrix" to "Nexus" too (thanks Dustinzgirl!). It's now divided into two chapters, so here's chapter one:
 
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Chapter One: Invasion

Sombr bent forward with arms pressed into his burning abdomen. Ereflur took his arm to steady him.

"Sombr?" said his sister. "Are you ill? Is it separation sickness?"

Then he turned to Ereflur, suppressing nausea by force of will, and tried to smile. "Yes, but I’ll be fine. I can stay a while longer. It’s only what I deserve, anyway."

Ignoring the pain, Sombr compelled himself to move forward.

The maze always had been his favorite place on the grounds—even when he’d been too small to see over the hedges and urged Uncle Vendrehain to give him shoulder rides. Heat shimmered over the grassy path. If the hedge had been real, the leaves would be dry and brittle this time of year; instead, they were green and unchanging. Authentic or not, Sombr was glad to be there.

Ereflur frowned and brushed his elbow with her fingers. "You didn’t know. How could you? So why do you feel responsible?"

"Because I am responsible, Ereflur." He leaned on his sister’s shoulder for support. "How would you feel if you convinced hundreds of people to live on an outpost they can never leave without dying? Hallucien is a death trap, and I led them there. Knowing I can leave, even for a short time, is worse. I know they love me anyway, but I’ll never understand why."

If I weren’t so obsessed with the Nexus System, they’d be here with their families—where they belong.

The physical pain faded and Sombr pushed away from the statue. They continued their walk, entering the next path. The center wasn’t far now.

Despite the consequences, he wondered how anyone would not be obsessed with the universe’s point of origin. How could anyone not be haunted by the oddities of both worlds orbiting the Nexus?

Still, he had learned something momentous from his research. Sombr had communed with the core of Hallucien, which turned out to be a living entity. He wanted to reveal this secret to Ereflur but he hesitated, unsure how to broach the subject.

"What a beautiful day," said Ereflur.

Beautiful indeed. The twin suns of the Nexus System, which also orbited the invisible point between the two worlds, shined their brilliant splendor on the surface of Illusio—highlighting the hedges and dispersing shadows as if they did not exist.

When they arrived in the center, Ereflur adjusted her dress to sit on one of four pseudo-marble benches, which surrounded a statue of their father, Kurin Eranahei, then patted the place beside her.

"Please sit, Sombr," she said. "You look pale."

Sombr smiled again to reassure his sister and sat on the bench.

Ereflur sighed. "It will be time for the evening service soon. The people will expect to see their Queen, and they miss their Prince. Uncle Vendrehain would be disappointed if he doesn’t see you today. Only, I know how hard it is for you."

She meant the separation sickness of course, but Sombr could not help thinking of Vendrehain’s well meaning—if annoying—attempts to steer his nephew back to the church. As a scientist, Sombr did not share his family’s religious convictions. "The Children of God’s Love" was a very peculiar sect, and not just by Sombr’s standards. Many Terrans openly scorned them, which had played a large part in the Children’s decision to leave the home world.

Sombr turned to his sister, ready at last to explain his discovery, when they were interrupted. A man in a starship uniform rushed into the center and sank to one knee before Ereflur. Sunlight reflected from the crewman’s black lightweight armor, and Sombr had to shield his eyes.

"Your Majesty," he said, after catching his breath. "The starship’s monitors have detected a large fleet entering the Nexus System! Lord Vendrehain’s attempts to communicate have failed."

The Kingdom possessed only one armed starship. God help us if we ever need to defend ourselves, Sombr thought, despite his agnosticism. He hoped they wouldn’t need to mount a defense now.

Ereflur’s eyes grew wide with alarm. "A fleet? It couldn’t be from Terra, could it? Surely they have no reason to send a fleet here."

While Sombr knew there were many on Terra who would like nothing more than to subdue the Children, regardless of the distance between them, he did not believe they had enough power to launch an invasion. Not yet, at least. But then, whose fleet was it?

"I don’t know," he said, as much to himself as to Ereflur. He stared up at the sky, waiting for something to happen.

"Perhaps another colony? One that supports the World Church?"

"No. They’re subject to their charters, all of which have connections to Terran companies. If they invade another colony, even ours, they’d lose their support." Then he snapped his head back and glared at his sister. "Wait ... why don’t you know this?"

"I do know, brother, but whoever is out there has us at a disadvantage. Even colonists might become rogues. What else is there?"

Sombr thought she was making an excuse. She still did not know how to govern a kingdom. Why had Kurin allowed his people to crown him King anyway? There had been no real kings in hundreds of years! But she had a duty to her people to learn.

He looked toward the sky again and said, "We’re wasting time! I doubt there’s anything we can do to defend ourselves, but there may be a way to negotiate."

"You’re right," said Ereflur, nodding. "I will summon the Council immediately. Will you assist us?"

"Of course—"

The air above the grounds rippled like the surface of a pond and flashed with green light. Then a large black object materialized high over the palace, large enough to blot out the sunlight. Sombr tried to determine the configuration but failed. It was long, roughly cylindrical, and covered with random green and brown ... "growths" was the only word he could summon to describe them. The surface, or what he could see of it, was porous and slimy, like the skin of a massive beast.

Both Sombr and Ereflur shot to their feet. Everything they had discussed seemed trivial—and perhaps futile—to him then.

"What ... what is that thing?" said the Queen, her voice trembling.

"Whatever it is, it isn’t Terran." Sombr kept his voice as even as possible, despite the cold tendrils curled around his heart. He had little time to wonder how it could just appear like that before more of them began to dot the sky, enshrouding their world in darkness.

In darkness. Illusio!

Large bulbous growths on the undersides of the ships began to glow—bathing the landscape in what Sombr suspected was bioluminescence. As sure as he was that Hallucien lived, he believed the invaders had a significantly, if not completely, biological technology. Those ships were alive, and something dark and malevolent occupied them; Sombr could feel it, like a vibration in the ground before an earthquake.

And he had no doubt they were invaders. Why else would an entire fleet appear over their heads with no announcement, no warning?

Aliens, he thought, straining to prevent his body from quaking.

Humans had colonized over thirty star systems since the discovery of Eldritch Mechanics, and so far no one had encountered extraterrestrial intelligence. No one except Sombr, of course, when he counted Hallucien. They had to come from very far away, whoever they were.

Ereflur’s eyes dropped and her face grew as pale as she had described his earlier. Then she attempted to smooth her dress, straightened her back, and turned her eyes toward the strange ships.

"Sombr ... we can’t fight this."

Sombr was certain that Lord Vendrehain had transmitted a distress call to Terra once the fleet appeared within the Star Core, but that did little good. Even if Terra decided to send help, which it probably would not, Sombr suspected the alien fleet was much larger and more powerful than the Terran Defense Force. There was nothing to be done, as far as he could see. Nothing could save them from this threat.

Then Ereflur did as the Children always did when confronted with impossible odds. Indeed, as they did on a daily basis anyway. She dropped to her knees, spreading her arms wide in supplication, and began to pray in that ridiculously energetic fashion to which Sombr could never grow accustomed. He knew people all over the Kingdom were doing the same, which was enough to gall him.

"Do you really believe prayer will do any good?"

Ereflur did not stop to answer him, but Sombr saw a tear emerge from her right eye and trail down her cheek. If there was little else he respected in her, she loved him and he knew it. He could not disparage that.

While she prayed, a number of large, glowing discs appeared hovering around the palace, each occupied by giant bipedal reptilian creatures whose appearance stunned Sombr. He didn’t know what he’d expected—surely nothing so recognizable. Sombr counted about twenty of the creatures, and there was variety in color. Some were blue, some red, and others green. He saw two that were brown and one yellow. They were too far away for him to make out any more details.

The one that floated in front was red. It raised its long taloned ... forepaw or hand or whatever ... as if to silence the multitude. Sombr knew that the Children would not cease their prayer to save their own lives, and he snorted. Regardless, the red alien began to speak, in a way that suggested the use of a device for enhancement and translation.

"I AM HIGH LORD FYUS, IMPERIAL PRINCE OF THE DRACON EMPIRE. BY ORDER OF HIS IMPERIAL MAJESTY NOVU, SOVEREIGN OF THE UNIVERSE, AND GLORIOUS LORD OF THE STARS, THIS WORLD, ITS RESOUCES AND ALL ITS INHABITANTS ARE NOW SUBJECTS OF DRACO. LAY DOWN YOUR ARMS AND SUBMIT TO THE WILL OF EMPEROR NOVU!"

Then Sombr remembered Hallucien’s message. He could not be sure what would happen, but it might be the Kingdom’s only chance. Kneeling beside his sister, he laid a hand on her shoulder and said, "Ereflur, I might know a way out of this."

She opened her eyes and looked at her brother. "How?"

"I learned something ... unexpected ... about Hallucien. It’s alive, Ereflur, and I spoke with it at length. It told me I could merge my mind with it and gain immeasurable powers. If I can get back to Hallucien, I’ll try it. Maybe then we can actually fight off this invasion."

"Sombr, this sounds very dangerous, if it is really possible. I don’t know..."

Sombr bit his lip to suppress the rankled reply on his tongue, then continued, "Ereflur, it’s the only way I can see. I have to try."

"But how will you get back? The aliens must have the ship immobilized, and I’m sure they’ve surrounded Hallucien’s outpost as they did the Kingdom."

"I ... don’t know, but I’ll ... figure out something. I hope."

She frowned and her eyes clouded. "All right, Sombr. I wish you Godspeed, and I’ll pray that you make it."

Sombr winced and quelled another biting reply before he could offend her. Pray all you want, sister, he thought, but I don’t believe it will help.

He nodded instead, then took off at a run through the maze. Good thing he’d been through it many times as a boy, so he knew the way. Still, he cursed his luck to be caught in the maze at a time like this.

Because he rushed, he took a wrong turn and encountered a dead end once, and nearly did three more times, forcing him to retrace his steps to the correct path. When he at last emerged from the entrance, he would have breathed a sigh of relief if he had the time. He had to reach the paved area east of the palace that served for a port on this still-developing planet. As it was, he kept pushing toward his goal.

Ereflur had said the aliens would have "immobilized" the starship. More likely they would want to destroy it, unless they decided a lone ship was not a threat. This made sense, but what he saw as he approached the port confounded him.

Starship Eranahei sat on the pavement surrounded by a glowing blue shield. Sombr knew the ship’s energy defenses were invisible, so he assumed it was the alien technology used to prevent it from flying. But when the red alien hovering over the palace spoke again, Sombr realized his mistake.

"YOU WERE ORDERED TO LAY DOWN YOUR ARMS. THE SHIELD AROUND YOUR SHIP IS AN ACT OF DEFIANCE THAT WILL NOT BE TOLERATED. DISENGAGE THE SHIELD NOW OR WE WILL ANNIHILATE YOU!"

Sombr could only wonder then who or what might have activated the shield. Certain members of the Eranahei family acting in concert might have enough power to erect a psychic shield so large, but it would also be invisible to anyone without extrasensory abilities. Which meant the "Dracons" had such talents, or someone else entirely was involved—someone unknown to both the Dracons and the Children.

Neither possibility was reassuring. The Eranaheis were only inviting retaliation if they had raised the shield. Sombr hoped no one in his family would be so foolish.
 
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Quite good but no cigar. I would give it 3 out 5 stars for the good effort. This piece flows pretty well, but straight from the beginning it start to break the illusion.

Sombr bent forward with arms pressed into his burning abdomen. Ereflur took his arm to steady him.

:eek: Good Lord, is he in flames? Quick, fetch my extinguisher.

What you do here is a good try on omniscient third person POV, but the image that you create is quite wrong.

Why? Well, I bet this is a bit too much information, but I get often pains in my guts after eating chili. They feel as if someone is slicing insestines with a rusty razor, but when I go to empty my bowels, the sensation changes to something quite different. When 'it' comes out, I swear that I can feel something flammable. Although when I turn around to check the smoke signals, I can see the nasty bits and it's not really nice.

So, I think if you're trying to make us to believe there is something going in his tummy, them write your POV closer and 'show us' what you see in your mind.

Sombr?" said his sister. "Are you ill? Is it separation sickness?"

Then he turned to Ereflur, suppressing nausea by force of will, and tried to smile. "Yes, but I’ll be fine. I can stay a while longer. It’s only what I deserve, anyway."

Please do not use word then.

He turned to Ereflur and formed a smile in his face, despite feeling nauseous. "Yes...

Ereflur frowned and brushed his elbow with her fingers. "You didn’t know. How could you? So why do you feel responsible?"

The dialogue feels out from the context. What is he talking about?

If I weren’t so obsessed with the Nexus System, they’d be here with their families—where they belong.

The italics doesn't feel right for this personal thought. However, maybe a bit of narrative from close POV could help to make it more solid.

"Please sit, Sombr," she said. "You look pale."

Sombr smiled again to reassure his sister and sat on the bench.

Ereflur sighed. "It will be time for the evening service soon. The people will expect to see their Queen, and they miss their Prince. Uncle Vendrehain would be disappointed if he doesn’t see you today. Only, I know how hard it is for you."

She meant the separation sickness of course, but Sombr could not help thinking of Vendrehain’s well meaning—if annoying—attempts to steer his nephew back to the church. As a scientist, Sombr did not share his family’s religious convictions. "The Children of God’s Love" was a very peculiar sect, and not just by Sombr’s standards. Many Terrans openly scorned them, which had played a large part in the Children’s decision to leave the home world.

The dialogue feels out from the place without the description. Can you add it there, please?

When you more to the narration, you break the flow as there is no connection to the dialogue. Maybe I rewrite in here can solve the problem.

"Your Majesty," he said, after catching his breath. "The starship’s monitors have detected a large fleet entering the Nexus System! Lord Vendrehain’s attempts to communicate have failed."

"Your Majesty," he said. "We have detected a large fleet entering in the system and Lord ...


I think that is a bit more dramatic than what you wrote there.

The Kingdom possessed only one armed starship. God help us if we ever need to defend ourselves, Sombr thought, despite his agnosticism. He hoped they wouldn’t need to mount a defense now.

No, no ... you should show us his reaction, not tell us.

How about ...

God help us...
Sobr thought about the their only armed starship. It wouldn't be enough to defend then all if the fleet had hostile intentions. If that was the the case, then they would have to find out other resources for the defence. But maybe they were lucky, maybe the fleet had arrived in peace. Surely, that was the case. They just didn't know how to communicate with us.

The air above the grounds rippled like the surface of a pond and flashed with green light. Then a large black object materialized high over the palace, large enough to blot out the sunlight. Sombr tried to determine the configuration but failed. It was long, roughly cylindrical, and covered with random green and brown ... "growths" was the only word he could summon to describe them. The surface, or what he could see of it, was porous and slimy, like the skin of a massive beast.

Both Sombr and Ereflur shot to their feet. Everything they had discussed seemed trivial—and perhaps futile—to him then.

"What ... what is that thing?" said the Queen, her voice trembling.

Dear lord, PANIC ... :D

How the heck the Queen materialized in there? Where's the detail from earlier narrative? Who else is there?

Aliens, he thought, straining to prevent his body from quaking.

Humans had colonized over thirty star systems since the discovery of Eldritch Mechanics, and so far no one had encountered extraterrestrial intelligence. No one except Sombr, of course, when he counted Hallucien. They had to come from very far away, whoever they were.

Ereflur’s eyes dropped and her face grew as pale as she had described his earlier. Then she attempted to smooth her dress, straightened her back, and turned her eyes toward the strange ships.

Ok, first narritive is out from the place. You should again create a stronger connection to the last para. And for your information, we know almost 2000 solarsystems within 200 light years around our sun. Any of them can harbor alien life, but detecting is quite another story as the window of opportunity to catch radiowaves from another civilization can be measured in decades.

On the second para, you're head hopping. Please don't do that. It makes your story look clumsy.

Sombr was certain that Lord Vendrehain had transmitted a distress call to Terra once the fleet appeared within the Star Core, but that did little good. Even if Terra decided to send help, which it probably would not, Sombr suspected the alien fleet was much larger and more powerful than the Terran Defense Force. There was nothing to be done, as far as he could see. Nothing could save them from this threat.

Then Ereflur did as the Children always did when confronted with impossible odds. Indeed, as they did on a daily basis anyway. She dropped to her knees, spreading her arms wide in supplication, and began to pray in that ridiculously energetic fashion to which Sombr could never grow accustomed. He knew people all over the Kingdom were doing the same, which was enough to gall him.

"Do you really believe prayer will do any good?"

Head hopping. Please stick with one POV to the end of the scene.

Another point, as I have lost the plot. I don't know who is talking the dialogue line. It's not immediately clear. I cannot continue reading it, the prose is too confusing from this point on.
 
Quite good but no cigar. I would give it 3 out 5 stars for the good effort. This piece flows pretty well, but straight from the beginning it start to break the illusion.



:eek: Good Lord, is he in flames? Quick, fetch my extinguisher.

What you do here is a good try on omniscient third person POV, but the image that you create is quite wrong.

Why? Well, I bet this is a bit too much information, but I get often pains in my guts after eating chili. They feel as if someone is slicing insestines with a rusty razor, but when I go to empty my bowels, the sensation changes to something quite different. When 'it' comes out, I swear that I can feel something flammable. Although when I turn around to check the smoke signals, I can see the nasty bits and it's not really nice.

So, I think if you're trying to make us to believe there is something going in his tummy, them write your POV closer and 'show us' what you see in your mind.

Good point. Thanks, although I wonder why no else mentioned it?



Please do not use word then.

He turned to Ereflur and formed a smile in his face, despite feeling nauseous. "Yes...



The dialogue feels out from the context. What is he talking about?

She. And this dialogue refers to:

He turned to Ereflur, suppressing nausea by force of will, and tried to smile. "Yes, but I’ll be fine. I can stay a while longer. It’s only what I deserve, anyway."



The italics doesn't feel right for this personal thought. However, maybe a bit of narrative from close POV could help to make it more solid.

Okay. Thanks.


The dialogue feels out from the place without the description. Can you add it there, please?

Gotcha. Like I said, this is far from a final draft. Thanks for pointing out this stuff for me.


"Your Majesty," he said. "We have detected a large fleet entering in the system and Lord ...

I think that is a bit more dramatic than what you wrote there.

I agree. Thanks.

No, no ... you should show us his reaction, not tell us.

How about ...

God help us...
Sobr thought about the their only armed starship. It wouldn't be enough to defend then all if the fleet had hostile intentions. If that was the the case, then they would have to find out other resources for the defence. But maybe they were lucky, maybe the fleet had arrived in peace. Surely, that was the case. They just didn't know how to communicate with us.

I suppose, but to me this version looks like too much. On the other hand, I think I can come up with a variation of your suggestion that will accomplish the goal. Thanks!


Dear lord, PANIC ... :D

How the heck the Queen materialized in there? Where's the detail from earlier narrative? Who else is there?

Ereflur is the queen. Notice the starship crewman addresses her as "Your Majesty." I originally had the titles in there, but Judge thought it was unnecessary so I took them out. Sorry.


Ok, first narritive is out from the place. You should again create a stronger connection to the last para.

Please be more specific. The narrative doesn't look out of place to me. It directly follows his though about aliens.

And for your information, we know almost 2000 solarsystems within 200 light years around our sun. Any of them can harbor alien life, but detecting is quite another story as the window of opportunity to catch radiowaves from another civilization can be measured in decades.

This is irrelevant. I can have it this way in my made-up universe. They've only colonized 30 systems, and during that time have not encountered aliens. There do not have to be aliens anywhere they have reached so far. I could say they've colonized much more, but even then I can still have all those systems free of intelligent life.

On the second para, you're head hopping. Please don't do that. It makes your story look clumsy.

Head hopping. Please stick with one POV to the end of the scene.

Okay, here is a concept of which I'm just learning. I understand that "head-hopping" means I'm jumping into another POV. What I don't undertsand is how this paragraph isn't still firmly in Sombr's POV. Are you saying I have to start the paragraph with something like "Sombr saw Ereflur..."?

Another point, as I have lost the plot. I don't know who is talking the dialogue line. It's not immediately clear. I cannot continue reading it, the prose is too confusing from this point on.

Okay. If you see a POV change when you read it, I can understand why you wouldn't know who's talking. No problem. Otherwise, what do you mean you've lost the plot?

Thank you, Ctg! This has been very helpful. Plus, most of what you mentioned can be easily remedied, so I must be on the right track.
 
Ok, four points.

Firstly, on the Queen bit, I think you need for the readers sake make absolutely clear what the cast are, so that we stupid ones can get one with it.

Secondly, on the narrative question, you can lessen the effect by making him to look the ship and directly involve the thoughts in a way of narrative (not necessarily italics). Also try not to give out the fact, but also red herrings (if you know what I mean).

Thirdly, with the POV and especially with the close POV, you should write only what the main character sees, hears, tastes, feels and thinks. Therefore, when you write in another character, you cannot derivate it and involve the actions as closely as you can with the main character. So, it's not like you're writing from the fly-on-wall POV but more like a parasite-inside-the-character POV.

Fourtly, I lost the plot the moment you hopped in the other character. However, I tried to continue, but my reading became more like skimming then focusing in it. So, I don't think it worked for me. Others, as usual, might get to the end and think it's absolutely brilliant.
 
Others, as usual, might get to the end and think it's absolutely brilliant.

:D I wish. No, no one has thought that ... not yet, anyway. :p

Personally, I agree with you about the titles, and apparently so did Dustinzgirl. Maybe Judge's point wasn't that I'd used them. It could be he just thought I'd used them too soon and needed to find another way to include them. I'll think on it.

As for the POV, I know what you mean, in general, but it still looks to me like I have described what Sombr sees. In fact, "and began to pray in that ridiculously energetic fashion to which Sombr could never grow accustomed" is in the same paragraph, which makes me think it is firmly in his POV throughout. It's obvious I'm not correct on this point, otherwise you wouldn't have an issue with it. So I'm still going to find a way to write it that makes it abundantly clear without having to start two paragraphs in a row with "Sombr..."

Come to think of it, how is "the Queen did as the Children always did when..."? Will that be more like it, or does that make it omniscient instead of limited to Sombr?

Thanks again for all your help, Ctg.
 
It's the beginning of the POV, not the end, where you try to make it correct. To me it reads like a different POV.
 
I'm still going to find a way to write it that makes it abundantly clear without having to start two paragraphs in a row with "Sombr..."

Come to think of it, how is "the Queen did as the Children always did when..."? Will that be more like it, or does that make it omniscient instead of limited to Sombr?

Okay, I'm assuming you mean the alternative in the question above is still a POV violation. In that case, suppose I try something in the sentence - but not at the beginning - that indicates Sombr's POV (such as "Sombr observed" or something - just as an example)? Because I seem to be getting from this the idea that I need to balance establishing POV in the first sentence of the paragraph with variation in sentence structure.

EDIT: Sloweye ... sorry I never thanked you. I'm glad you like it!
 
Clarity and fixed POV are the key points if you want to get published.

What? This isn't really an answer. I know this, although I might not always be able to pick out of the text everything that's unclear or violates POV - which is the point of posting on a crit board. I'm sorry, Ctg, but I'm not following.

Okay. I actually, as I said before, had planned to take your suggestion concerning POV at face value, since you have provided a lot of useful points that help me to improve my work. I would really rather not do this because I know your intention is to help, which I appreciate very much, but maybe this point can use some clarification. So let's do a test.

I picked up my copy of Robert Jordan's Crossroads of Twilight. I opened it to a random chapter and flipped back to the beginning of the chapter, where I established immediately that this chapter (High Seats) was in Elayne Trakand's POV. Now, here are several sentences from that chapter, all of them the first sentences of their respective paragraphs:

  • Surpsingly, Birgitte let the maid's disapproval slide past without so much as a placating look. <Perhaps the "surprisingly" negates the point here, but nothing like this appears in the rest.
  • Birgitte still left feeling puzzled and upset.
  • Essande shook her head in disapproval, unaware that the brooch was an angreal. <Haha! I'm pretty sure only someone like Robert Jordan could get away with this, but still...
  • Rasoria gave a start when Aviendha entered the anteroom in her high-necked velvets.
  • Dyelin turned from warming her hands at the fire as they entered.
Shall I go on? Because there are plenty more examples in the same chapter. If you think that the second sentence must always have "Elayne" before any other name, here is the sentence that follows the "Rasoria" paragraph:

The Guardswomen had never seen her in anything but Aiel garb before.

As I said, this chapter is most definitely in Elayne Trakand's POV, and I never lost track of that when I read it, even with all these "POV violations" (or "head-hopping")! So I have to wonder if I really do have a POV violation in that particular example, which is:

Ereflur did as the Children always did when confronted with impossible odds.

:confused:
 
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Yes Michael, the way I read that sentence, its not fixed in main character POV, but comes out from her mouth. So look closely to your prose and fix it when you see those sort of lines coming out.
 
Ctg, that may be how you read it, but I do believe I have provided a good reason for why I'm not convinced. My sentence is not different from any one of at least a dozen in the chapter quoted above (again, all of them the first sentences of their respective paragraphs). I understand you're doing what I asked, trying to help by pointing out something you feel needs attention, and I really do appreciate it.

Because I've never been published, and because of your efforts, I will go ahead and watch for it anyway, but I'm not convinced.

Thanks again. I hope my desire to clarify the point doesn't prevent you from continuing to help.
 
It's a tricky balance to strike, to guard against readers tripping themselves up on mistakenly identifying POV switches, without making everything so blindingly obvious that it reads awkwardly. Especially when different readers trip up on different ones.

On the two specific ones raised:

Humans had colonized over thirty star systems since the discovery of Eldritch Mechanics, and so far no one had encountered extraterrestrial intelligence. No one except Sombr, of course, when he counted Hallucien. They had to come from very far away, whoever they were.

Ereflur’s eyes dropped and her face grew as pale as she had described his earlier. Then she attempted to smooth her dress, straightened her back, and turned her eyes toward the strange ships.

I didn't actually think this second para might be a POV switch, but it seems a bit unrealistic that Sombr is watching her do all this, without doing anything himself (which is true if this is all from his POV). Given the cirumstances, I would like something of him in there, rather than just the visual inputs. (Also, I thought "pale as she had described his earlier" read a bit clumsily, especially since I had forgotten that she said that; just ending the sentence at "pale" works better IMO)

Sombr was certain that Lord Vendrehain had transmitted a distress call to Terra once the fleet appeared within the Star Core, but that did little good. Even if Terra decided to send help, which it probably would not, Sombr suspected the alien fleet was much larger and more powerful than the Terran Defense Force. There was nothing to be done, as far as he could see. Nothing could save them from this threat.

Then Ereflur did as the Children always did when confronted with impossible odds. Indeed, as they did on a daily basis anyway. She dropped to her knees, spreading her arms wide in supplication, and began to pray in that ridiculously energetic fashion to which Sombr could never grow accustomed. He knew people all over the Kingdom were doing the same, which was enough to gall him.

Again, I didn't interpret this second para as a possible POV switch, but you could make it clearer with something like "Then, to Sombr's annoyance, Ereflur did etc ..."

It's probably true that readers on this board are looking for mistakes, and therefore are more likely to think "Aha! POV shift!" even when there isn't one. But since the same is true of agents and editors, it doesn't hurt to clarify things.
 
It's probably true that readers on this board are looking for mistakes, and therefore are more likely to think "Aha! POV shift!" even when there isn't one. But since the same is true of agents and editors, it doesn't hurt to clarify things.

Which is pretty much what I thought. Even though I found all those examples, I've never been published and Ctg is just doing what many agents will probably do anyway. Thanks, HareBrain.

Was there anything you like about it? Do you see an improvement over the first draft?
 
Was there anything you like about it? Do you see an improvement over the first draft?

Yes, I thought several things about it were much better. I will get round to a more detailed crit, but it might take a couple of days. I know it's easy to get impatient, but, er, tough :p;)
 
Michael, I'm not very good with critique. I'm always worried I'll say the wrong thing, as everyone has a different opinion on things, so I'll keep it short.

In my opinion, this is a lot better. I found the original draft really difficult to read; this is much better.

I'm pleased you've taken out the underlining. Italics works better.



Chapter One: Invasion

Sombr bent forward with arms pressed into his burning abdomen. Ereflur took his arm to steady him.

You have asked about the first lines. It doesn't quite work for me. Perhaps the words 'bent' and 'burning'. I feel if he was in so much pain he would be doubled up with agony. The pain twisted his insides, maybe something like that. I'm not sure why - but the opening sentence didn't feel right to me.


The physical pain faded and Sombr pushed away from the statue. They continued their walk, entering the next path. The center wasn’t far now.
Statue? Did I miss something?




"You’re right," said Ereflur, nodding. "I will summon the Council immediately. Will you assist us?"

"Of course—"

The air above the grounds rippled like the surface of a pond and flashed with green light. Then a large black object materialized high over the palace, large enough to blot out the sunlight. Sombr tried to determine the configuration but failed. It was long, roughly cylindrical, and covered with random green and brown ... "growths" was the only word he could summon to describe them. The surface, or what he could see of it, was porous and slimy, like the skin of a massive beast.

Both Sombr and Ereflur shot to their feet. Everything they had discussed seemed trivial—and perhaps futile—to him then.

How far away is the palace? The description makes me feel this is much closer to them. The detailed descriptions of it.

Also, would he have time to think like this? 'They shot to their feet.' How can he get to his feet so fast. This is after going through all this thought process.

This took me away from the story a bit.

I'm not the best person to be helping really. Sorry.
 
OK, here's my longer crit, but I've only got 40 minutes (I did have 45 but I started critting the previous version) so if I leave in typos that's why)

The maze always had been his favorite place on the grounds—even when he’d been too small to see over the hedges and urged Uncle Vendrehain to give him shoulder rides. Heat shimmered over the grassy path. If the hedge had been real, the leaves would be dry and brittle this time of year; instead, they were green and unchanging. Authentic or not, Sombr was glad to be there.

I much prefer the way you introduce background info in this version, it's mostly seamless and doesn't seem at all like info-dumping. Tick!

The physical pain faded and Sombr pushed away from the statue.

I think someone else pointed this out, but you've taken out the statue.

Despite the consequences, he wondered how anyone would not be obsessed with the universe’s point of origin. How could anyone not be haunted by the oddities of both worlds orbiting the Nexus?

Not sure about how this para flows from previous. Is he thinking of anyone in particular here, or Ereflur? the point seems to come from nowhere.

"What a beautiful day," said Ereflur.

Maybe it is, but this reads as though you just want her to say something so Sombr could observe the beauty of the day (twin suns etc)

dispersing shadows as if they did not exist.

Uh? Either shadows exist or they don't. and how are they dispersed, except by the motion of the suns, which surely would be too slow to notice?

Uncle Vendrehain would be disappointed if he doesn’t see you today.

will rather than would

"Your Majesty," he said, after catching his breath.

Wouldn't he gasp it out before catching his breath? would give it a bit more urgency.

The Kingdom possessed only one armed starship.

Not your fault, but I read this as "possessed only a one-armed starship", which had me in fits. (Well, I have to amuse myself, there's nothing on telly ...)

God help us if we ever need to defend ourselves, Sombr thought, despite his agnosticism. He hoped they wouldn’t need to mount a defense now.

if we "ever" need to defend ourselves? Surely with the arrival of a strange fleet he would be thinking the second sentence right away?

Ereflur’s eyes grew wide with alarm.

The implication is that her eyes have grown wide only after Sombr's done his thinking in the previous paragraph. So maybe "had grown wide with alarm" or, better, "were wide with alarm" - or maybe just "were wide" since this is from Sombr's POV and he wouldn't know any better than us what they were wide with (though both we and he could guess)

While Sombr knew there were many on Terra who would like nothing more than to subdue the Children, regardless of the distance between them, he did not believe they had enough power to launch an invasion. Not yet, at least. But then, whose fleet was it?

I think some or all of this could be in dialogue. Like this?

"I don;t think they have enough power to launch an invasion," he said. At least not yet, he thought - though he knew there were many on Terra who would like nothing more than to subdue the Children, regardless of distance.

"Then whose is it?" said Ereflur

"I don't know"

"I don’t know," he said, as much to himself as to Ereflur.

I think everything apart from "I don;t know" is redundant here.

He stared up at the sky, waiting for something to happen.

"Waitring for sometjing to happen" is a bit dangerous, it invites the reader to think hey, there's nothing happening. Maybe just end with "waiting"?

"Perhaps another colony? One that supports the World Church?"

"No. They’re subject to their charters, all of which have connections to Terran companies. If they invade another colony, even ours, they’d lose their support." Then he snapped his head back and glared at his sister. "Wait ... why don’t you know this?"

Is this information necessary at this stage, or at all? The fact that he challenges her about not knowing this raises the suspicion in the reader's mind that she sould know this, and that therefore you are having an unlikely conversation happen just to get this across (though you make a better attempt to cover it than some)

Sombr thought she was making an excuse. She still did not know how to govern a kingdom. Why had Kurin allowed his people to crown him King anyway? There had been no real kings in hundreds of years! But she had a duty to her people to learn.

He looked toward the sky again and said, "We’re wasting time!

Unfortunately I agree with him here - the previous para's ponderings don't seem likely as the thoughts of a king with a potentailly massive crisis on his hands.

It was long, roughly cylindrical, and covered with random green and brown ... "growths" was the only word he could summon to describe them.

I've been thinking about this point for a couple of days (not non-stop, you'll be relieved to hear) and I'm undecided about it but I'll raise it anyway - why is he trying to summon words? When you stare at something gob-smacking, do you try to define it in language? My first reaction was that you don't, and that he wouldn't think "hmm, what are those things, they're kind of growths ..." he would just think "HFS!!!" But I am open to being convinced.

In darkness
. Illusio!

I might have missed something even after three readings, but why is the darkness so horrendous?

Sombr could feel it, like a vibration in the ground before an earthquake.

Has he experienced an earthquake?

Humans had colonized over thirty star systems since the discovery of Eldritch Mechanics, and so far no one had encountered extraterrestrial intelligence. No one except Sombr, of course, when he counted Hallucien. They had to come from very far away, whoever they were.

I would try to reword this so it reads less like a footnote inserted into the text body. If these are aliens, he's the first human ever to see them. I'd have thought his reaction would be a bit stronger than this, it reads too matter-of-fact to me.

Sombr was certain that Lord Vendrehain had transmitted a distress call to Terra once the fleet appeared within the Star Core, but that did little good. Even if Terra decided to send help, which it probably would not, Sombr suspected the alien fleet was much larger and more powerful than the Terran Defense Force. There was nothing to be done, as far as he could see. Nothing could save them from this threat.

Could the crucial info here be got over in dialogue, with him trying to reassure Ereflur, or himself, and coming to the horrible conclusion that there's nothing Terra could do?

Regardless, the red alien began to speak, in a way that suggested the use of a device for enhancement and translation.

Detail would be nice here. If no aliens have been encountered before, would he be familiar with the effects of a translation device?

ITS RESOUCES

Nice touch, the incorrect spelling to suggest the translation device not being perfect ;)

OK, that's all for now. As always, hope it was helpful. And yes, despite all these points, big improvement.
 
In my opinion, this is a lot better. I found the original draft really difficult to read; this is much better.

Thanks, Crystal Haven! I 'm glad you like it.

I'm pleased you've taken out the underlining. Italics works better.

Yes, it does look better, so I'm starting to change it for the forums. But I write all my manuscripts with underlining for emphasis, which I've learned is the proper format.

You have asked about the first lines. It doesn't quite work for me. Perhaps the words 'bent' and 'burning'. I feel if he was in so much pain he would be doubled up with agony. The pain twisted his insides, maybe something like that. I'm not sure why - but the opening sentence didn't feel right to me.

Okay, thanks. I'me beginning to see now. Ctg made a simliar comment.

Statue? Did I miss something?

:D No, actually, I missed it. Because of the rewrite, the statue doesn't belong there anymore. Have to fix that.

How far away is the palace? The description makes me feel this is much closer to them. The detailed descriptions of it.

Also, would he have time to think like this? 'They shot to their feet.' How can he get to his feet so fast. This is after going through all this thought process.

I'm imagining the palace isn't too far, but more than that - the ship is really, really big.

As far as having time to think about it, that's a good question. Sometimes people can think things through very quickly ... like when I'm writing this post. My thoughts are much faster than my ability to type, which is one reason people often miss things when they write.

You think "shot" doesn't work? Hmm. No problem. Let's see if I can come up with something else. Or is it the placement, after following his thoughts in this manner?

You've raised some good questions for me to think about, and I appreciate it. Thanks again, Crystal Haven!
 
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