A.S.H: rewrite of the first chapter

[blairWitcher]

Nice critique!

 

[Runya]

Nice critique!

No problem Though I really think there is no need to take such elevated means as to take a red pen and start dashing all over your script

 

[Sapheron]

Now judging by the way that your display picture is out of Soul Eater (which I also love- the manga at least) it's easy to see how your writing has an anime-ish (by which I actually mean shounen-ish) tone to it. This isn't neccessarily a problem of course, but it can be a turn off to non anime fans. I had the exact same tendancy with some of my earlier writing, and got a post very similar to this one. I find taking a more main stream approach appeals to a wider audience. Then again, I'm more of a seinen person anyway, so maybe that more realistic and 'grown up', for want of a better way to put it, approach is more a result of my reading habits than of own will.

 

[Runya]

You're making no sense to me right now, Saph

 

[blairWitcher]

“Is it dead?” Cross asks as he lands, catlike, on his feet a few paces away from the edge of the roof. Meanwhile, the haunted fog cloaking the surroundings steadily disappears into thin air and the blurry images of the haunted village slowly becomes visible again. At the same time, the barrier circulating the Storehouse's rooftop slowly weakens as the rushing winds fade into soft, calm breeze.


“You did more than that.” Stine replies with a soft chuckle as he replaces his hot - barreled pistols on their holsters. “You've actually liquidated it into oblivion, Felix” he adds as fumbles for something on his pocket.


“Thank goodness its over.” Felix says as he slumps wearily near the roof's edge,breathing heavily as he wipes the sweat and the creatures blood off his face, a broad smile carved on his weary lips.


Albert Stein shakes his head and mutters “pathetic” under his breath as he takes a small, circular mirror from the corners of his pocket and traces its rim with the tip of his thumb. At once, the mirror glows a faint, dim light and an image of a man suddenly appears on it.


“Third Rank Soultaker, Albert Stein, reporting to Academy.” Stine says to the mirror


There is slight pause. Then It replies


“Soul Identification Verified. Proceed with the report.” says the figure


“Mission accomplished, 5th Master Ked. Class-B demonic entity, codenamed Hunter, was successfully terminated. The village is secure now. You may send in the clean-up teams” Stine replies as he lights himself another cigarette.


“Report affirmed. I'm sending in two teams to pick you two up. Is there anything else you would like to add, Albert?” The man quietly asks.


“Hey, Al, tell the old geezer that the clean-up people will need a large sack for the evidence!” Cross hollers out as he removes his boots and slowly massages his tired toes.


“You heard your son, Master Ked. Requesting permission to clear out.” Stein says with a slight chuckle.


The figure on the mirror sighs loudly then mutters in a low quivering voice.“Granted. Please do tell my son that he is in trouble when I get my hands on him.”


With this last words, the image on the mirror slowly vanishes and the light emanating on its rim slowly dies out


Smiling,Albert Stein, replaces the mirror on one of his pockets and blows a puff of white smoke from his weary lips as he walks away to join his tired, battle worn comrade as they wait for the members of the academy's support team to arrive.


Meanwhile, on the edge of the forest outside Hunter's Cove, the barn owl is slowly gliding away towards a cloaked figure mounted on a tall, dark horse. Gently, It lands on the shoulder of the cloaked figure as it gently strokes the owl's head with his fingers.


“Well done , feathered one... everything is going on as it should be.” It says just as a ray of moonlight flashes from above, revealing the face behind the cloak.


It was wearing an evil – looking demon mask.

 

[Runya]

Great great... Can you PM me the rest? I mean, the whole thing

I LOVE IT!

 

[blairWitcher]

sure! Ill just make the necessary corrections that you've pointed out then I'll pm it to you.

IM currently thinking about the title for chapter two.

 

[Runya]

Nice nice... why so many faces?

You know... you have the confused the eeky the tongy the dauntless

etc... *grins*

*can't use any more faces so starts typing expressions*

*sticks out her tongue*

*pokes*

 

[blairWitcher]

*sighs*

Ok Ill try

btw, i want to know those things that you liked about the story.

was it ? does it leave the the reader and ? do give me your opinion.

 

[Runya]

*sighs*

Ok Ill try

btw, i want to know those things that you liked about the story.

was it ? does it leave the the reader and ? do give me your opinion.

First of all, don't use so many smileys!!! Then you'll leave me with no space for mine when I quote you

Secondly, I loved your characters. Okay, I know it's usually like that (the silly funny one with the serious and looking-like-a-bad-boy one). But I'm a fanatic of these kind of stories. Plus, your ideas are original. Okay, I've seen some of this and some of that in some anime, but I still think your good in what you want to get at.

Thirdly, I want to say that the fight got me a little hiked up Not only cause it was a fight, but because you didn't let me finish reading what happened lol so I had to wait.

I liked it cause I was able to imagine it all in my head. It's really the first time I read something around here that has such scenarios and I'm really able to swallow all its content without spilling one little detail out. Your words made me concentrate

 

[blairWitcher]

sorry didnt know about the "smiley" thing

thanks a lot Runya. Ill just finish correcting the whole thing up, ok?

 

[Runya]

I was kidding about the smiley thing!!! Don't get me wrong >_<

And... Yeah, okay...

 

[HareBrain]

Okay, here, just note that in a dialogue, it goes like this.

"Hello,"

"Hi,"

"How are you?"

"Great,"

See the commas?

Actually, you only have a comma if there's an attribution (who's saying it) or something else following, as part of the same sentence.

"Hello," said Bill.
Ben wrinkled his nose. "Oh, it's you."
"Not pleased to see me?" said Bill.
"Not since that incident with the cat and the marmalade." Ben turned and walked off quickly.
"We'll meet again, my friend," muttered Bill, twirling his moustache.

The rules for commas and full stops work the same as if there were no quote marks - if the sentence carries on, use a comma. If it stops, use a full-stop (period).

Question and exclamation marks can be treated as either commas or full stops.

 

[Runya]

Actually, you only have a comma if there's an attribution (who's saying it) or something else following, as part of the same sentence.

"Hello," said Bill.
Ben wrinkled his nose. "Oh, it's you."
"Not pleased to see me?" said Bill.
"Not since that incident with the cat and the marmalade." Ben turned and walked off quickly.
"We'll meet again, my friend," muttered Bill, twirling his moustache.

The rules for commas and full stops work the same as if there were no quote marks - if the sentence carries on, use a comma. If it stops, use a full-stop (period).

Question and exclamation marks can be treated as either commas or full stops.

I didn't get that

 

[Sapheron]

Try taking out the speech marks at first.

I like apples, said Joe.

That is a sentence (hopefully everyone is with me so far...).

As it is a single setence, you add a comma to seperate different 'parts', or the speech from non speech. A full stop, after all, would denote that the sentence had ended. So the correct form with speech marks is like this:

"I like apples," said Joe.

If, on the other hand you take just a couple of pieces of speech:

"I like apples."

"I prefer oranges."

These are two seperate setences. Therefore, they are seperated out using full stops. If you used commas then the sentence would still be going on, which would suggest that the same person is saying both and... well... it would be wrong.

Any help?

 

[blairWitcher]

btw guys

IM running out of Ideas

can somebody please give a possible title for the next chapter?

really... my heads spinning right now LOL

 

[Runya]

btw guys

IM running out of Ideas

can somebody please give a possible title for the next chapter?

really... my heads spinning right now LOL

Exactly. That's what you need. A spinning head!!!

You've got yourself your next monster

 

[Althain's Warden]

Nice blairwitcher very nice, I've just read it from my work desk so i'm afraid i can't get into the serious business of checking things just yet, i will try to give it some time though soon. I would advise you to do a re read yourself because i'm sure you would pick up a lot of things yourself with a slow re read. That being said Chris, as usual it seems, has done a good job of pointing out all the little things that can make a story stutter and halt.
Keep up the good work !