SoulTakers:Chapter two rewrite

[blairWitcher]

after browsing through the first page, I rewrote some of the technical errors. here is the official chapter two 1st page.

CHAPTER II

​

A blistering, hot sun shines across the clear, morning skies above the towering spires and tall buildings of Forge City, the capital city of Crow Country – the location of ASHES. Today promises to be a long, dehydrating day as the city's inhabitants walk to and fro the aisles of its concrete roads and dusty alleyways. A long line of trade wagons and Ox buggies line haphazardly along the major roads as the busy enforcers blow their traffic horns and flash their traffic banners on the grumbling and irritable drivers – the usual morning traffic jam. Above, a passenger airship flies smoothly above the city at fifteen thousand flight steps, carrying citizens and tourists to new destinations as it travels on its mid-morning, transcontinental flight. If a traveler,boarding the airship, looks on the ground below, he will see a bird's eye view of the capital resembling a maze of lines and dots moving across a beautifully, crafted maze like a unique colony of colored,busy ants.


Meanwhile, inside a large, faculty room on the northeast wing of the Academy for Spirit Hunting and Erasure Studies on the eastern side of the city, an irritated Felix Cross is at his desk, typing a report on a faculty typecaster. Behind him, a humongous stack of envelopes and parchments lie disorderly on a wooden desk. To someone like Cross, nothing creates a bad morning than seeing a pile of unfinished, boring, mission reports. If there is one thing he hates most in his life, that would be paperwork.


“That old git... If not for the fact that he is my dad I would've...” Felix says behind gritted teeth as he forcefully presses the keys of the poor, clattering machine. Sitting on a chair beside Cross, Albert Stein chuckles as he looks at his partner's ordeal, his hands folded at the back of his head.


“Thats what you get when you disrespect the old man, Cawie.” Stein says with a wide, mocking grin spreading across his face.


“You know, Al, I would've given you a bleeding nose for calling me that name.” Cross replies angrily, jabbing a key so hard that the mechanism broke.

At once a ripping noise filled the entire faculty room and strips of ripped paper begins to shoot into the air.


“No, No, Noooo!” Cross shouts pleadingly as a the broken machine begins to eat and cut his nearly finished report into small, uneven pieces, turning hours and hours of hard work into a pile of shredded, worthless parchment.


“You'll pay for this, you stupid, worthless piece of clockwork!” Cross shouts angrily as he suddenly unleashes a ferocious forty five degree kick on the machine, causing it to zoom in midair towards Stein's face. Still smiling, Stein duck his head just in time to evade the incoming typecaster.

​

PSSSSHHH!

​

A breaking noise follows as shards of broken glass fly randomly in the air. The poor thing went straight out of a glass window and shatters upon impact against the wall of an opposite building.


As Stein straightens up from his chair and looks towards the direction of the horrendous impact, he winks wickedly then says, “ Didn't you know that that glass window costs 850 orcas?


Fuming, Cross stomps both his feet and buries his head on top of the table.​

 

[chrispenycate]

[/quote]

after browsing through the first page, I rewrote some of the technical errors. here is the official chapter two 1st page.

CHAPTER II

​

A blistering, hot sun shines across the clear, morning skies above the towering spires and tall buildings of Forge City, the capital city of Crow Country – the location of ASHES. Today promises to be a long, dehydrating day as the city's inhabitants walk to and fro ​

along? on?

the aisles of its concrete roads and dusty alleyways. A long line of trade wagons and Ox buggies line

is that "line up", or is it "line the roads" (in qhich case you don't need the "along"

haphazardly along the major roads as the busy enforcers blow their traffic horns and flash their traffic banners on the grumbling and irritable drivers – the usual morning traffic jam. Above, a passenger airship flies smoothly above the city at fifteen thousand flight steps, carrying citizens and tourists to new destinations as it travels on its mid-morning, transcontinental flight. If a traveler,boarding the airship,

possibly without the commas round "boarding the airship"?

looks on the ground below, he will see a bird's eye view of the capital resembling a maze of lines and dots moving across a beautifully,

no comma (unless that was supposed to be "beautiful" rather than"beautifully")

crafted maze like a unique colony of colored,busy ants.

Meanwhile, inside a large, faculty room on the northeast wing of the Academy for Spirit Hunting and Erasure Studies on the eastern side of the city, an irritated Felix Cross is at his desk, typing a report on a faculty typecaster. Behind him, a humongous stack of envelopes and parchments lie

"stack" is singular, so "lies"

disorderly on a wooden desk. To someone like Cross, nothing creates a bad morning than

"like" rather than "than"

seeing a pile of unfinished, boring, mission reports. If there is one thing he hates most in his life, that would be paperwork.

“That old git... If not for the fact that he is my dad I would've...” Felix says behind gritted teeth as he forcefully presses the keys of the poor, clattering machine. Sitting on a chair beside Cross, Albert Stein chuckles as he looks at his partner's ordeal, his hands folded at the back of his head.


“Thats

That's

what you get when you disrespect the old man, Cawie.” Stein says with a wide, mocking grin spreading across his face.

“You know, Al, I would've given you a bleeding nose for calling me that name.” Cross replies angrily, jabbing a key so hard that the mechanism broke.

At once a ripping noise filled

"fills" (present tense)

the entire faculty room and strips of ripped paper begins

begin (strips=plural)

to shoot into the air.

“No, No, Noooo!” Cross shouts pleadingly as a

no "a"

the broken machine begins to eat and cut his nearly finished report into small, uneven pieces, turning hours and hours of hard work into a pile of shredded, worthless parchment.

“You'll pay for this, you stupid, worthless piece of clockwork!” Cross shouts angrily as he suddenly unleashes a ferocious forty five degree kick on the machine, causing it to zoom in midair

in midair?

towards Stein's face. Still smiling, Stein duck

ducks

his head just in time to evade the incoming typecaster.

​

PSSSSHHH!

​

A breaking noise follows as shards of broken glass fly randomly in the air. The poor thing went​

goes

straight out of a glass window and shatters upon impact against the wall of an opposite building.

consider inverting the order of "opposite building"

As Stein straightens up from his chair and looks towards the direction of the horrendous impact, he winks wickedly then says, “ Didn't you know that that glass window costs 850 orcas?


Fuming, Cross stomps both his feet and buries his head on top of the table.

buries it in what? I assume his arms, or something soft​

Not always easy to write in present tense, is it?

 

[blairWitcher]

yup!

anyway thanks for the corrections MR. Chris.

 

[blairWitcher]

OK so Ive made the necessary corrections pointed out by Mr. Chrispenycate Now I know the reason why writers use the past tense.​

A blistering, hot sun shines across the clear, morning skies above the towering spires and tall buildings of Forge City, the capital city of Crow Country – the location of ASHES. Today promises to be a long, dehydrating day as the city's inhabitants walk to and fro on the aisles of its concrete roads and dusty alleyways. A long line of trade wagons and Ox buggies line haphazardly on the major roads as the busy enforcers blow their traffic horns and flash their traffic banners on the grumbling and irritable drivers – the usual morning traffic jam. Above, a passenger airship flies smoothly above the city at fifteen thousand flight steps, carrying citizens and tourists to new destinations as it travels on its mid-morning, transcontinental flight. If a traveler,boarding the airship, looks on the ground below, he will see a bird's eye view of the capital resembling a maze of lines and dots moving across a beautiful,crafted maze like a unique colony of colored,busy ants. ​

Meanwhile, inside a large, faculty room on the northeast wing of the Academy for Spirit Hunting and Erasure Studies on the eastern side of the city, an irritated Felix Cross is at his desk, typing a report on a faculty typecaster. Behind him, a humongous stack of envelopes and parchments lies disorderly on a wooden desk. To someone like Cross, nothing creates a bad morning than seeing a pile of unfinished, boring, mission reports. If there is one thing he hates most in his life, that would be paperwork.​

“That old git... If not for the fact that he is my dad I would've...” Felix says behind gritted teeth as he forcefully presses the keys of the poor, clattering machine. Sitting on a chair beside Cross, Albert Stein chuckles as he looks at his partner's ordeal, his hands folded at the back of his head.​

“That's what you get when you disrespect your old man, Cawie.” Stein says with a wide, mocking grin spreading across his face.​

“You know, Al, I would've given you a bleeding nose for calling me that name.” Cross replies angrily, jabbing a key so hard that the mechanism broke. ​

At once a ripping noise fills the entire faculty room and strips of ripped parchment begins to shoot into the air.​

“No, No, Noooo!” Cross shouts pleadingly as the broken machine begins to eat and cut his nearly finished report into small, uneven pieces, turning hours and hours of hard work into a pile of shredded, worthless parchment.​

“You'll pay for this, you stupid, worthless piece of clockwork!” Cross shouts angrily as he suddenly unleashes a ferocious forty five degree kick on the machine, causing it to zoom towards Stein's face. Still smiling, Stein ducks his head just in time to evade the incoming typecaster.​

PSSSSHHH!​

A breaking noise follows as shards of broken glass fly randomly in the air. The poor thing goes straight out of a glass window and shatters into the wall of an opposite building upon impact.​

As Stein straightens up from his chair and looks towards the direction of the horrendous impact, he winks wickedly then says, “ Didn't you know that that glass window costs 850 orcas? - not to mention the cost of the typecaster."​

Fuming, Cross stomps both his feet and buries his head to his arms on the table.​

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

A few issues. Remember I can be a picky b****** so feel free to ignore

OK so Ive made the necessary corrections pointed out by Mr. Chrispenycate Now I know the reason why writers use the past tense.​

A blistering, hot sun shines across the clear, morning skies above the towering spires and tall buildings of Forge City, the capital city of Crow Country – the location of ASHES.(not sure about the bold text) Today promises to be a long, dehydrating day (one) as the city's inhabitants walk to and fro (walk too and fro seems a bit 'pedestrian' if you get my drift how about go about their business or some such) on the aisles of its concrete roads and dusty alleyways. A long line of trade wagons and Ox buggies line haphazardly on the major roads as the busy enforcers blow their traffic horns (doubtful anyone would be allowed to use a traffic horn in the presence of likely to run wild ox wagons shouting and gesticulation maybe) and flash their traffic banners on the grumbling and irritable drivers – the usual morning traffic jam. Above, a passenger airship flies smoothly above the city at fifteen thousand flight steps (why? are flight steps bigger or less than land steps), carrying citizens and tourists to new destinations as it travels on its mid-morning, transcontinental flight. (citizens can't be tourists?) If a traveler,boarding the airship, looks on the ground below, (no he would just see the ground unless the boarding station is at 15000 feet - also at 15000 feet it would be fairly difficult to dots moving about) he will see a bird's eye view of the capital resembling a maze of lines and dots moving across a beautiful,crafted maze like a unique colony of colored,busy ants. (good description just have them fly lower) ​

Meanwhile, inside a large, faculty room on the northeast wing of the Academy for Spirit Hunting and Erasure Studies on the eastern side of the city, an irritated Felix Cross is at his desk, typing a report on a faculty typecaster. Behind him, a humongous stack of envelopes and parchments lies disorderly on a wooden desk. To someone like Cross, nothing creates a bad morning than seeing a pile of unfinished, boring, mission reports. If there is one thing he hates most in his life, that (it IMO but I'm not Chris) would be paperwork.​

“That old git... If not for the fact that he is my dad I would've...” Felix says behind gritted teeth as he forcefully presses the keys of the poor, clattering machine. Sitting on a chair beside Cross, Albert Stein chuckles as he looks at his partner's ordeal, his hands folded at the back of his head.​

“That's what you get when you disrespect your old man, Cawie.” Stein says with a wide, mocking grin spreading across his face.​

“You know, Al, I would've given you a bleeding nose for calling me that name.” Cross replies angrily, jabbing a key so hard that the mechanism broke. (Why the change of name?)​

At once a ripping noise fills the entire faculty room and strips of ripped parchment begins to shoot into the air.​

“No, No, Noooo!” Cross shouts pleadingly as the broken machine begins to eat and cut his nearly finished report into small, uneven pieces, turning hours and hours of hard work into a pile of shredded, worthless parchment.​

“You'll pay for this, you stupid, worthless piece of clockwork! (junk - typewriters are not clockwork) ” Cross shouts angrily as he suddenly unleashes a ferocious forty five (the angle is important? in any case it would have to be a horizontal kick unless he's taking out the top of his desk as well) degree kick on the machine, causing it to zoom (zoom? fly maybe) towards Stein's face. Still smiling, Stein ducks his head just in time to evade the incoming typecaster. (In all this - that would be some kick)​

PSSSSHHH! (describe it - this isn't batman and robbin Biff - Kapong)​

A breaking noise follows as shards of broken glass fly randomly in the air. The poor thing goes straight out of a glass window and shatters into the wall of an opposite building upon impact. (even bigger kick - now he could throw it maybe)​

As Stein straightens up from his chair and looks towards the direction of the horrendous impact, he winks wickedly then says, “ Didn't you know that that glass window costs 850 orcas? - not to mention the cost of the typecaster."​

Fuming, Cross stomps both his feet and buries his head to his arms on the table. (out of character)​

When I spell checked my efforts, it threw up a few of yours.

 

[blairWitcher]

Sorry for the name change. purely typin error on my part. It should by STINE not STEIN. really sorry. btw the his full name is ALBERT STINE al Cross simply calls him Al for short.

On the kick thing, the angle is purely for descriptive purposes. there many types of kick attacks especially in combat sports like taekwondo and karate which are classified either by height, angle of elevation from the ground and movement.

As for the sound, I would wrote it without any form of descriptions,just plain simple sound, because I'm thinking that I could capture the reader's attention and imagination on this parts of the story.

As for the "flightsteps thing" I'll elaborate the details on it on the ending parts of chapter two.

On the Oxen/ traffic thing, I'll also give the explanation on why they behave like cars on the story.

Fine critique and i appreciate the cool comments mate.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

It was more how you got from

Felix Cross


to


Cawie

without explanation that worried me - hadn't noticed the other thing

Crossie I could understand

 

[blairWitcher]

(continuation...)


Just then, a young lady wearing the school's black uniform with a raven's badge pinned on the chest enters the faculty door with a puzzled look on her face. She has short, auburn colored hair and bright, hazelnut eyes behind pink rimmed glasses. She's beautiful with her childish, petite, somehow skinny, body. She wears a set of white gloves on her hands and a small, blue knapsack dangles on her back.


“Brother? Albert? Are you two fighting again?” she says as her eyes narrow on both Stine and Cross. It's so surprising how she could look like a panther despite her cute visage.


“Oh no, Runya, see Stine here - “


“No, Its your dear brother's fault that the -”


As both guys engage on a flurry of babbling explanations and verbal defenses, the girl named Runya takes two seal tags on her skirt pocket, levels it to her face and whispers.

“Spirit of Chronosus, keeper of time
enlighten thy eyes on the remnants of the past
return and rewind – special support art, Reverse Clairvoyance”

​

At once a shimmering, yellow light emanates from her eyes as the two seal tags on her hands begin to fade, cutting the men's meaningless, argument.


“Stine did she just used the …”Cross asks his partner with a worried, meaningful look in his eyes.


“Yup. I taught her that art a few weeks ago. I can't believe she mastered it in such a short time though.” Stine replies with a nod and a roguish wink at his partner.


“Now, I'm totally screwed.” Cross says as a doomed expression spreads across his face.


After a few seconds, both the light and the seal tags vanishes with a flash. A wide, devilish smile begins to spread on Runya's face as she looks at her brother with mean, your-in-deep-trouble, eyes.


“Sooo... you're the one who did it eh?” Runya says to her brother in a deadly soft voice. Now she and Stein are looking at Cross with impish expressions on their faces.


“Hey, cut it out! You guys are giving me the creeps!” Cross fearfully shouts at the two as a cold sweat begins to trickle down his forehead.


“You know what this means, right bro?” says Runya in a mockingly sweet voice. “Another big pile of paperwork for you – not to mention losing a week's worth pay for destroying -” her words are cut short by the sound of hurrying footsteps resounding down the hallway. Suddenly, another young woman wearing the same school uniform as Runya's enters the faculty door with an alarmed look. She also has a beautiful, somehow pale - looking, face below sweeping, black hair. Unlike Runya's, her eyes are deep blue and she wears a long, violet scarf on her neck.


“Teacher Stine! Teacher Cross! A 2nd level student was knocked out by a flying typecaster and – Runya? Teacher Stein?Um.. why are you looking at Teacher Cross like that?” The girl asks innocently as Stein and Runya winks with an even nastier grin at a sweat-driven, guilty faced Cross.

 

[blairWitcher]

ohhh. ok. let me explain on this part.

You see, FELIX CROSS, Stine's partner, has the natural ability to shapeshift into a crow (a trademark spirit ability of the Cross family). his FATHER (to be revealed soon) and STINE gave him that nickname because of his noisy, boisterous mouth - hence CAWIE (noisy as a cawing crow).

I suggest that you read the chapter one of this story, just for reference. Its written under the heading ASH: rewrite of chapter one or SOULTAKERS: the PRISMS of MADNESS: complete chapter one. It's kinda long, believe me.

btw thank you for your comments. Ill see what I can do.

 

[blairWitcher]

(...continuation)

Still smiling wickedly, Runya replies to her friend in a childish, high pitched voice. “Oh its nothing, Clair, we are just talking about a silly, very silly, affair, right brother?” She says, placing a special emphasis to the word “silly”

“ - Well, er... that is... um...” Felix stutters out of fright, barely unable to speak.

“ - but that student – he may need healing and -” The girl named Clair tries to speak but freezes, cheeks blushing heavily, as Stine steps forward and smiles at her.

“Don't worry, Clair. The Academy's healers will be attending to him in a short while. By the way, are You're Runya's partner, am I right? Are you two ready for your first mission?” Stein quietly asks the poor, shaking girl.

“Well... I... ummm” stutters the trembling girl, unable to speak in the same manner as Felix, her cheeks blushing redder than before.

With a stifled giggle, Runya catches the meaning behind her partner's blushes and trembling legs and decides to save her from her “Teacher Stine” dilemma.

“Oh, yeah, speaking of missions, Dad would like to see you two in his office after class. Its about another mission.” Runya says meaningfully as she slowly grabs her “petrified” friend by the arm and walks her towards the door. “By the way, Dad says you need to finish that report this evening, Felix.” she adds mockingly before the two of them left the door of the faculty room.

As soon as the echoes of footsteps on the hall cleared away, Felix, with a long, weary sigh, slumps on his chair and stares dreadfully at the whitewashed ceiling.

"That little cockroach of a sister ... he and the old geezer... giving me headaches...” he mumbles tonelessly to himself.

“Cheer up, Felix. It's not the end of the world for you, yet." Stine says as he pats his friend by the shoulder, smirking.

“And how am I suppose to cheer up with You and Runya ganging up on me – not to mention Dad.” Felix says heatedly to his friend. “We barely had a vacation after the Hunter's Cove mission and here we are again – another mission. By the way, It seems like Runya's partner has a deep crush on you.” Cross says in a sudden mood turn, smiling as he looks toward his friend.

“You know how things about that matter work with me, Felix” Stine says quietly as he slumps on his own chair, pulling an old notebook from a desk drawer, opens its front cover and starts to scribble something inside it.

"Why don't you give it a chance, Al, just this once...” Cross replies as he opens his own drawer filled with envelopes of fresh, parchment, a flicker of interest gleaming on his eyes.

Thoughtfully, Stine didn't answer back as he busies himself writing on his notebook. Suddenly the school bell rang, signaling the start of the morning classes at the Academy.

“Ive got a class. See you at the briefing” Says Stine as he quietly closes his notebook, takes his bag and and proceeds towards the faculty door.

 

[Runya]

​

A blistering, hot sun shines across the clear, morning skies above the towering spires and tall buildings of Forge City, the capital city of Crow Country – the location of ASHES. Today promises to be a long, dehydrating day as the city's inhabitants walk to and fro​

The to and fro here makes the reader infers that they are going down the aisle then back to the start point and then again down the aisle and once again back to the start point.. I mean, are they nuts and only walk like that?

on the aisles of its concrete roads and dusty alleyways. A long line of trade wagons and Ox buggies line haphazardly on the major roads as the busy enforcers blow their traffic horns and flash their traffic banners on the grumbling and irritable drivers –

Consider a colon instead of the dash

the usual morning traffic jam. Above, a passenger airship flies smoothly above the city at fifteen thousand flight steps

For no further nitpick on this, use 'a passenger airship flies smoothly above the city at fifteen thousand feet,'

, carrying citizens and tourists to new destinations as it travels on its mid-morning, transcontinental flight.

The in-gray is what I think that could be neglected.

If a traveler,

no comma

boarding the airship,

no comma

looks on

at?

the ground below him, he will see a bird's eye view of the capital resembling a maze of lines and dots moving across a beautiful,crafted

I really prefer the 'beautifully crafted' one.

maze like a unique colony of colored, busy ant

full stop If a traveler boarding the airship looks at the ground below him, he will see a bird's eye view of the capital resembling a maze of lines and dots moving across a beautifully crafted maze like a unique colony of colored and busy ants. See how you repeat maze? That's not fine =p

​

Meanwhile, inside a large,​

no comma

faculty room on the northeast wing of the Academy for

of?

Spirit Hunting and Erasure Studies on the eastern side of the city, an irritated Felix Cross is at his desk, typing a report on a faculty type

dash?

caster. Behind him, a humongous stack of envelopes and parchments lies

lie

disorderly

consider 'unorganized'

on a

another, perhaps?

wooden desk. To someone like Cross, nothing creates a bad morning than seeing a pile of unfinished, boring, mission reports.

...pile of unfinished and boring mission reports.

If there is one thing he hates

the

most in his life, that would be paperwork.

Preferable: There is one thing he hates the most in his life: paperwork.​

“That old git...​

Full stop. No need for the ellipsis {...}.

If not for the fact that he is my dad I would've...” Felix says behind gritted teeth as he forcefully presses the keys of the poor, clattering

typing machine????

machine. Sitting on a chair beside Cross, Albert Stein chuckles as he looks at his partner's ordeal, his hands folded at the back of his head.

​

“That's what you get when you disrespect your old man, Cawie.” Stein says with a wide, mocking grin spreading​

no need for this, I think.

across his face.

​

“You know, Al, I would've given you a bleeding nose for calling me that name.” Cross replies angrily, jabbing a key so hard that the mechanism broke. ​

At once a ripping noise fills the entire faculty room and strips of ripped parchment begins to shoot into the air.​

Hmmm... A ripping noise fills the entire faculty room, and strips of ripped parchment begin shooting into the air.​

“No. No. Noooo!” Cross shouts pleadingly as the broken machine begins to eat and cut his nearly finished report into small, uneven pieces, turning hours and hours of hard work into a pile of shredded, worthless parchment.​

Kek!!! which means... LOL!!!​

“You'll pay for this, you stupid, worthless piece of clockwork!” Cross shouts angrily as he suddenly unleashes a ferocious forty five degree kick on the machine, causing it to zoom towards Stein's face. Still smiling, Stein ducks his head just in time to evade the incoming type​

dash?

caster.

Once again.. LOL great stuff, Blair!! lol lol lol​

PSSSSHHH!​

A breaking noise follows as shards of broken glass fly randomly in the air. The poor thing​

lol. Okay, I get what you mean here. However, consider 'the poor machine'

goes straight out of a glass window and shatters into the wall of an opposite building upon impact.

Holy cow! That Cawie is pretty damn strong!!! Can Nala be his girlfriend? Or future girlfriend? *grins* LoL​

As Stein straightens up from his chair and looks towards the direction of the horrendous impact,​

Consider: looks at the place where the horrendous impact took place

Full stop instead of a comma.

he winks wickedly

How can one wink wickedly? LOL

then says, “ Didn't you know that that glass window costs 850 orcas? -

No dash. Capital N in 'not'

not to mention the cost of the typecaster."

​

Fuming, Cross stomps both his feet and buries his head to his arms on the table.​

Fuming, Cross stomps {both feet ?} {What? He jumped and came down heavily?} and buries his head into his arms on the table.
​

I looo-oove it. Truly. I'm actually in love with Cross. Can I borrow him just for a night? *winks* =p

Now.. I'm going to quote the other two parts and crit once again. Don't post any more! I need to do my homework LoL

 

[Runya]

Just a favor to ask: want to change Runya for Nala? Maybe? Just ... Maybe? It sounds better with the story, anyways... (I think)

(continuation...)
Just then, a young lady wearing the school's black uniform with a raven's badge pinned on the chest enters the faculty door with a puzzled look on her face. She has short, auburn colored hair and bright, hazelnut eyes behind pink rimmed glasses. She's beautiful with her childish, petite, somehow skinny, body. She wears a set of white gloves on her hands and a small, blue knapsack dangles on her back.

Beautiful girl. Maybe the rimmed glasses I can take off lol kidding

“Brother? Albert? Are you two fighting again?” she says as her eyes narrow on both Stine and Cross. It's so surprising how she could look like a panther despite her cute visage.

She looks like a panther? HuH? You mean 'menacing' or 'ferocious' as a lion? or a panther? You might make that clearer somehow...for the reader's benefit =p

“Oh

comma

no, Runya, see Stine here - “


“No, Its your dear brother's fault that the -”


As both guys engage on a flurry of babbling explanations and verbal defenses, the girl named Runya takes two seal tags on her skirt pocket, levels it to her face and whispers.

“Spirit of Chronosus, keeper of time
enlighten thy eyes on the remnants of the past
return and rewind – special support art, Reverse Clairvoyance”

​

At once

comma.

But I might suggest you remove the "at once"

a shimmering, yellow light emanates from her eyes as the two seal tags on her hands begin to fade, cutting the men's

I suggest: cutting the two men's

meaningless, argument.


“Stine did she just used the …” Cross asks his partner with a worried, meaningful look in his eyes.


“Yup. I taught her that art a few weeks ago. I can't believe she mastered it in such a short time though.” Stine replies with a nod and a roguish wink at his partner.


“Now,

no comma

I'm totally screwed.” Cross says as a doomed expression spreads across his face.


After a few seconds, both the light and the seal tags vanishes

vanish

with a flash. A wide, devilish smile begins to spread on Runya's face as she looks at her brother with mean, your-in-deep-trouble, eyes.


“Sooo... you're the one who did it

comma

eh?” Runya says to her brother in a deadly soft voice. Now she and Stein are looking at Cross with impish expressions on their faces.


“Hey, cut it out! You guys are giving me the creeps!” Cross fearfully shouts at the two as a cold sweat begins

Either 'as a cold drop of sweat beings...' or 'as cold sweat begin'

to trickle down his forehead.


“You know what this means, right bro?” says Runya in a mockingly sweet voice. “Another big pile of paperwork for you – not to mention losing a week's worth pay for destroying -” her words are cut short by the sound of hurrying footsteps resounding down the hallway. Suddenly, another young woman wearing the same school uniform as Runya's enters the faculty door with an alarmed look. She also has a beautiful, somehow pale - looking, face below sweeping, black hair. Unlike Runya's, her eyes are deep blue and she wears a long, violet scarf on her neck.


“Teacher Stine! Teacher Cross! A 2nd level student was knocked out by a flying typecaster and – Runya? Teacher Stein? Um.. why are you looking at Teacher Cross like that?” The girl asks innocently as Stein and Runya winks

wink

with an even nastier grin at a sweat-driven, guilty faced Cross.

LOL

Totally and completely LOL...

Still smiling wickedly, Runya replies to her friend in a childish, high pitched voice. “Oh its nothing, Clair, we are just talking about a silly, very silly, affair, right brother?” She says, placing a special emphasis to the word “silly”

she says, emphasizing the word 'silly'.

“ -

What's the dash for?

Well, er..., that is... um...-” Felix stutters out of fright, barely unable

barely able

to speak.

“ - But that student – he may need healing and -” The girl named Clair tries to speak but freezes, cheeks blushing heavily, as Stine steps forward and smiles at her.

“Don't worry, Clair. The Academy's healers will be attending to

remove the 'to'. Attending him

him in a short while. By the way, are you're Runya's partner, am I right?

By the way, you are Runya's partner, right?

Are you two ready for your first mission?” Stein quietly asks the poor, shaking girl.

“Well..., I... ummm,” stutters the trembling girl, unable to speak in the same manner as Felix, her cheeks blushing redder

deeper instead of redder, perhaps?

than before.

With a stifled giggle, Runya catches the meaning behind her partner's blushes and trembling legs and decides to save her from her “Teacher Stine” dilemma.

“Oh, yeah,

Full stop. Remove that comma

Speaking of missions, Dad would like to see you two in his office after class. It's about another mission,” Runya says meaningfully as she slowly grabs her 'petrified' friend by the arm and walks her towards the door. “By the way, Dad says you need to finish that report this evening, Felix.” she adds mockingly before the two of them

before she and her friend

left the door of the faculty room.

Now, shouldn't Runya be asking what's the mission? *confused*

As soon as the echoes of Runya and Clair's footsteps on the hall cleared away, Felix, with a long, weary sigh, slumps on his chair and stares dreadfully at the whitewashed ceiling.

"That little cockroach of a sister...

No ellipsis. Just a full stop. Is that next 'he' a 'she'?

he and the old geezer... giving me headaches...

Just a full stop. No ellipsis.

” he mumbles tonelessly to himself.

tonelessly? Hmm... I think that 'mumbles to himself' is perfect already.

“Cheer up, Felix. It's not the end of the world for you, yet." Stine says as he pats his friend by

on

the shoulder, smirking.

“And how am I suppose to cheer up with you and Runya ganging up on me – not to mention Dad.

comma instead of a full stop

” Felix says heatedly to his friend. “We barely had a vacation after the Hunter's Cove mission and here we are again – another mission. By the way, it seems like Runya's partner has a deep crush on you.” Cross says in a sudden mood turn, smiling as he looks toward his friend.

We know it's Felix talking. Maybe you could say ...crush on you." Felix has a sudden mood turn and grins widely as he turns to look at his friend.

“You know how things about that matter work with me, Felix

full stop

” Stine says quietly as he slumps on his own chair, pulling an old notebook from a desk drawer,

Full stop. 'He..

opens its front cover and starts to scribble something inside it.

"Why don't you give it a chance, Al, just this once...” Cross replies as he opens his own drawer filled with envelopes of fresh,

no comma

parchment, a flicker of interest gleaming on his eyes.

Thoughtfully, Stine didn't answer back as he busies himself writing on his notebook. Suddenly

comma.

I suggest you don't use the suddenly here.

the school bell rang, signaling the start of the morning classes at the Academy.

“Ive got a class. See you at the briefing

full stop

” says Stine as he quietly closes his notebook, takes his bag

comma

and no second 'and'. I suppose that's a typo mistake

and and proceeds towards the faculty door.

I really really like it. I don't which one to pick! The funny Cawie, or the serious (but I bet that he's tons of fun in the inside, too) Al.

Please please keep on writing

PS. Sorry for the double post.

 

[HareBrain]

Lots of good critiques here. I'd just like to get you thinking about how you choose your words. The one that caught me was "blistering", for the sun. Do you really mean blistering? It causes blisters? Ouch.

 

[blairWitcher]

Ok. Its done. I'm going to change Runya to Nala when I retype the entire chapter. Deal?

And Runya (Nala) is Felix's Younger Sister so "YOU"(jokey) can't be Cross' girlfriend. but,just for spoilers, I'm thinking of creating a love triangle relationship between "YOU"(what?), Stine and Clair(that's the other girl) - that if it sounds ok to you .

thanks again for your comments runya.

 

[blairWitcher]

looks like i over emphasized a bit on that bit. dont worry mate I'll improve it

 

[Runya]

Ok. Its done. I'm going to change Runya to Nala when I retype the entire chapter. Deal?

And Runya (Nala) is Felix's Younger Sister so "YOU"(jokey) can't be Cross' girlfriend. but,just for spoilers, I'm thinking of creating a love triangle relationshipjokey), Stine and Clair(that's the other girl) - that if it sounds ok to you .

thanks again for your comments miss runya.

Okay then, I'd love that Nala becomes Stine's girl

LoL

You're making my dreams come true............ *heavy sigh*

And no problem for the comments. *grins*

Call me Runya. No need for the formalities

 

[blairWitcher]

Later that day, as the sun sets down from the skies, signaling the approach of twilight, Teacher Stine dismisses his level 2 class by giving out a difficult homework for the next day – much to the dismay of his diligent students.


“Ohhh, We'll never finish this one until next year.” One female student wearing a ponytail clamors loudly to her seat mate as Stine writes the assignments for tomorrow on the blackboard. Upon hearing this, Stine turns back and gazes intently up on her. Seeing the serious teacher's serious face, the girl blushes and bites her lip, looking embarrassed.


After a few seconds, Stine drops his gaze and resumes writing at the blackboard while, at the same time, saying, “Please emphasize your research report on the conversion theory of spiritual energy to elemental matter and site examples of its usage in combat and reconnaissance situations. You may leave as soon as you've finished writing down everything on the board.”


A few minutes pass by and, one by one, the students leave in silence, not daring to speak a single word as they gradually empty the class room . Finally, as a half moon begins to float across the dark, starry horizons of Forge City and the silver lanterns on the rooms and hallways of the Academy begin to light themselves automatically, Stine finishes fixing his notes on his leather bag and proceeds towards the door.


As he walks across the dimly lighted hallway, a searing, unbearable pain jolts from his left eye, making him to kneel down in agony and bury the left side of his face to his left palm. Not know, please, not know he pleads to himself as he struggles to stand up, clutching a nearby marble column for support.


Suddenly the outlines of the eye patch covering his left eye starts to glow and a flurry of blurred images and distant agonizing voices begins to invade his mind, smothering his consciousness as he lets out a silent scream of torment. Then a single, harsh voice, filled with uncanny darkness, echoes clearly inside his head, Its message ringing loud and clear.

“Give yourself to me, Albert Stine, for I am your destiny”

​

At once, the flood of images and voices inside his head gradually fades together with the slashing pain as the faint light on his eye patch slowly dims out. Slowly, Stine stands up, wobbling, as he regains himself, breathing rather heavily. He shakes himself, takes a black handkerchief from his shirt's pocket and wipes the cold sweat dripping down his forehead. He swears silently just as a figure of a woman appears on the far end the hallway.


“Teacher Stein? Is that you?” the figure asks loudly as it approaches hurriedly towards Stine


“Yes. What are you doing here at this time, Clair? I believe classes have ended an hour ago.” Stine asks in a trembling voice, forcing a pleasant smile on his pale face as Clair Riley, Runya Cross's partner, walks toward him.


Cheeks blushing, Clair lowers her gaze to her feet and, with both hands clutching each other, stutters nervously. “I... I was... um... sent by Teacher Felix and... 5th Master Kedwin to find you... and -” Claire is unable to finish her words as Stine takes a watch from his trouser's left pocket and checks it. The time is now a quarter past seven. Smoothly he replaces the watch and smiles once again at Clair.


“I'm sorry for the inconvenience. Would you be so kind as to escort me to the 5th master's office?” Stine asks Clair in a gentle, melting voice. At this request, Clair blushes deeper as she gently takes Stine's left arm and leads him awkwardly towards the next hall.

​

 

[blairWitcher]

“Where the hell have you been?” Barked Felix, eyebrows raising, as a pale, smiling Stine and a quivering, weak-kneed Clair enters the 5th master's office.


“Oh, I'm sorry, I got a little bit sidetracked.”Stine replies smoothly as he winks meaningfully at Clair's direction.


“What!? Did You and Clair just – Ouch! That hurts!” Felix hollers in agony, unable to finish the sentence, as a red-faced Runya kicks his wide-mouthed brother at the shins.


“Your such a mindless prick, Idiot!” Runya says angrily as he faces his brother. She is also blushing red on the cheeks.


“Hey I didn't mean the... you know, and why did you -” Felix heatedly tries to answer back but was cut short as a door opposite the 5th master desk creaks open.


“I can see that you two are squabbling again.” 5th Master Kedwin Cross, Runya and Felix's father, says quietly as he enter's his office and moves quietly towards his desk. At once, the group bowed their heads facing the Master to show their respect. Nodding, Master Kedwin bades them all to be at ease as he sits, opens his desk, takes out an envelope from the drawer and lays it carefully on top of the desk.


5th Master Kedwin, despite his age, looks very much like Felix except in the eyes, which are hazelnut similar to Runya's. He's nose is crooked as if it had been broken twice and a thick scar, in the shape of a cross, runs across the center of his face. He wears the Black, raven crested robes of an Academy's Master and a white, silver ring, symbolizing the rank and level of a fifth master, on the index finger of his right hand.


“Good evening, Father” Felix greets his Dad with a nod, an odd expression spreading on his face


“It seems like you've learned some manners from the punishment I gave you.” Master Ked replies with a smile, his eyes flashing wickedly on his son. “but it has come to my attention that this morning, somebody sent a type-caster flying out of the faculty window, shattered it into a wall and knocked out a student during the process.” His smile becomes wider now as he winks towards his guilty-faced, son.


“Well... um... Its because of...” Felix is barely able to speak as he thinks of the best possible explanation to tell his old man.


“Well get to that later. In the meantime,” Master Ked says as he turns his gaze towards Stine and continues silently, “what do you know about the shrines of Mistra, Stine?”


Clearing his throat, Stein answers the 5th Master. “Not much, sir, except for those information recorded on several books and manuscripts on the Academy's library.”


A slight pause follows. Then, Master Ked leans forward and says. “Please do tell us what you know about it, Stine.”


“Is there any connection between the shrines of Mistra and our next mission, sir?” Stine asks in a serious voice


“Yes, Stine.” Master Ked replies as a soft wind blows from an open window. “That would be your next mission”

 

[blairWitcher]

At this request from the 5th Master, Stein lets out a long, heavy sigh as he begins to speak in a slow, clear voice.


“We all know that the Academy was founded hundreds of years ago by the first Soul takers, there names unknown, in order to educate and train those who are “spiritually gifted” in the usage and preservation of spiritual energies in all its forms. At first everything went smooth as the next generation of Soul takers graduated from the academy and took up the responsibility of maintaining the balance and flow of spiritual energies in the world, eliminating any “spirit anomalies” that threaten to destroy the balance – like the ones in the Hunter Cove. A spirit anomaly occurs when a large amount of negative spiritual energy is concentrated into an area. When the amount of negative spiritual energy is greater than the amount that a particular area can handle, “spiritual mutation” occurs as the negative energies instantly fuse themselves with the elements in the surrounding, giving birth to beings that we call “demons”.It is the task of a Soul taker to destroy this beings and return the abnormal levels of Negative Spirit density back to its normal state. But there are those who diverted from this path.”


“As the 3rd generation of Soul takers emerged from the walls of the academy, a young and ambitious Soul Taker named Victor Lavoisier discovered a way of turning a vast amount of spiritual energy into a small, solid matter . With his brilliant mind, he conducted many illegal experiments on different areas in the world, sacrificing many innocent lives in their quest to attain power. After a few months, he, together with his followers, succeeded on creating an alchemical substance made purely of negative spiritual energy – the first demon crystal. Once a “spiritually gifted person” concentrated and poured some of his own energy on the crystal, the crystal will become unstable and evaporate, releasing enormous levels of spiritual energy, thus creating an anomaly over an area. But the ambitious Lavoisier went farther than that. By fusing together many demon crystals, he was able to create a much powerful demon crystal which he called the Prism of Madness. Once this substance is unleashed, It will create a diabolic anomaly and give birth to a Demon God that could utterly destroy both the physical and spiritual balance in the world. Together with his followers, they created a society that aims to control the spiritual and physical domains of this world. They became the first members of the Bajura.”


“Word reached the Academy about Lavoisier and his cursed creation and decided to stop him in his plans for domination. This led to Lavoisier's defection from the Academy and together with his followers, waged an all out battle with the Academy. After 10 years of bloody struggle, the Academy's Soul Takers finally defeated the Bajura. Lavoisier and his followers where cornered and executed while his creation was shattered into seven pieces and the energy inside was nullified by sealing it with an unknown and complex, S - class binding art. After the war, the Academy burned any manuscripts of the seal binding the prism and decided to give the pieces to one of its prominent “spiritually gifted” families, the Clan of Mistra. Taking the responsibility of safeguarding the prism, The Mistra clan built seven shrines, each housing a portion of the substance, in several places around the world and placed guards and traps inside them so as to prevent anyone from reuniting the prism and unlocking its seal...”


Finishing the story, Stine closes his eyes momentarily, then asks the master a question that has been bothering him as he tells the middle part of his report. “Sir is the Bajura involved in the mission you are giving us?”


All three of his companions look towards him, puzzled by his question.


With a meaningful, sad look, Master Kedwin slowly nods and answers. “You've guessed it correctly, Al.”

 

[Runya]

Great Continue... Continue... Though I think you shouldn't keep posting here...

Maybe you could PM the rest to me? *grins*