Been away since the crash - looking to post a snip

[ctg]

Alright, if you think so then I back off. No hard feelings.

 

[chrispenycate]

Please ignore grammer etc . That will all be fixed (I will be paying someone to do it) The main thing is content.

If I may say so, this is quite a dangerous attitude. Even the minor changes I suggest can change the sense, and the rhythm, of a paragraph; someone else than you 'putting it into shape' (paid or not) could easily take away the special quality which is you. At least be ready to discuss details, rather than just accepting corrections.

 

[Noah Phoenix]

Well put, chrispenycate. Suggestions and a little help with niggles is all that's required in my most humble opinion. Your voice is unique and needs to be kept intact.

 

[Cavalry]

ctg, I think what Cavalry trying to say is that if you read the whole thing, it wouldn't seem as confusing.

I understood the 'tales of the trees', I can't see why that's confusing, to be honest. Also (and I could be making a big mistake here if I've not read this piece right) I realised that They and Them refers to the makers of the earth, mentioned in the first line.

As for fighting your eyes, surely you felt that sensation last night when you were really tired and read this piece, ctg? Heavy lids aching to shut and give in to sleep. If he does give in, then he says his bones will become the same as those around him eventually.

Biting, cutting. Should have been a comma there I think, that's all.

I think clarity would spoil the overall feel of the dream like state he's in. I don't mean to be rude, ctg, and you are of course entitled to your valuable and I'm sure, apreciated opinion, but I disagree.

Like I said, I've never read anything like this before, and I got every line. The length of the sentences, I think, gives it passion and momentum. Keep it up, please Cavalry!

And I don't know about everyone else here, but I'd love to read more....

That is right, right?

Dear NP, CTG (any comment is welcome) and Chris,
Sorry been away on business trip a few days, I will post some more soon.

Your notes are correct – I would not normally say too much in explanation but as we are at early stages, here I go.

If I sleep even within the trance I am in, I will die (as many before that have been tempted to see the creation have done so- you cannot go back as mortals). Instead, I get a hint on the edge of the enchantment / sleep that the creators are aware of me and me of them. I am lulled to sleep by the natural world and the warm sun enrobing me. My guide who has taken me here breaks the spell just before I slip too far but shapes the trance/ vision through her will to feel enough of the fiery words of the creators to be strengthened. On being saved, I with my ego fall from the holy place of sacrifice, briefly denying (in primordial desire to survive) even the spiritual hand that saved me yet again. Seemingly awake I tumble ( under her will ) , crushing the saplings of the encroaching forest that are the representation of the growing shroud of nature over the doors of creation and our growing distance from the gods. All I can do as I fall (in the dream that is returning now to worldly sleep) is roughly reach out in desperation to break my fall and clutch at the bones that stand for the silent gulf between mortals and the ongoing fires of creation. This is ground covered and expanded again later. Finally, in her vice like grip I am returned to sleep.

In my book I am to be wielded in wild juddering moments by powers that act for and against each other while trying to keep my heart unsoiled and unbroken.

An important point here is enchantment or magic - It is still a fantasy book after all (yum, yum). There are two strings or so of magic given here that are immediately apparent. They could be part of the sleep of delusions of madness, tiredness or gross imagination - who knows but the magic is not the key or climax to the story from me. Its woven within it by the reader from a suggestion by me, the reader will feel the magic when its time. That’s what I desperately want to happen. Some magic may be missed (I do not mind) because of your mood in the way you receive the story when you read on a bad day and vice versa. Read the same thing again and you may see more...or less.

What I am trying to do is show you all is the style I have been allowed to write in. I do not know why but its all I can do.

Sorry for the typos, I lost this in trying to upload it and had to write it all again from rough memory and it does not seem as good as the first version!

Thanks for listening.


Regards
Cav.

​

 

[Cavalry]

If I may say so, this is quite a dangerous attitude. Even the minor changes I suggest can change the sense, and the rhythm, of a paragraph; someone else than you 'putting it into shape' (paid or not) could easily take away the special quality which is you. At least be ready to discuss details, rather than just accepting corrections.

Chris,

This is a welcome comment, you are wise indeed. Actually I am aware of this but there are still basic mistakes which should be fixed.That is what I was mainly referring to. I would always want to see proposed further changes and discuss them.

Regards
Cav.