My first book E.D.F Chronicles 1 - the Krenaran massacre. Please critique.

[Vargev]

This excerpt is from the first chapter of my book. Any type of critique would be greatfully received.

Homecoming.

Lieutenant Michael Alexander could see the massive form of Delta Base slowly drawing nearer, he was a deck officer on board the E.D.F.S Ulysses, a Danitza class battleship, and it was just returning from a three month escort operation with another explorator fleet on the northern tip near Eidolon.
He was glad it was coming into dock, it was his fourth explorator run this year, and was glad of the shore leave. He was tired and longed to see his wife, Jana and his five year old son Theo.

On board the station Jana looked out the view port, along the structure of docking station twelve, she could just about see the small shape of the Ulysses coming towards them. Slowly, but surely it grew larger. Little Theo kept jumping up and down, trying to get a better view. His excitement was evident at getting the chance to see his daddy again.
The forward thrusters began to fire, slowly killing the forward momentum of the huge ship, the thruster jets looked like two bright white streams extending out from the front two sides of the ship.
On board the Ulysses the internal comm. Beeped. “All hands, this is the Captain, Adopt docking positions.” Michael walked over to a large fixed chair, and strapped himself in with the attached harness.
The ship slowly neared the base, then there was a shudder, a metallic ’clunk’ and a grating noise, then finally the ship came to a stop. Michael un-strapped himself, and made his way to the forward docking arm.

Meanwhile on board the station the internal comm. Chimed and a voice spoke. “E.D.F.S Ulysses has successfully docked on docking station twelve, no admittance except military personnel and families.”
Slowly the crew of the Ulysses began to disembark. There where some quite old men, and some where quite young. And several female crewmembers could be seen, but no Michael and Theo began to look worried, a look of doubt began to cross his face, and he looked up at Jana.
“He’ll arrive soon.” Jana said warmly, looking down at him.

Then Michael began walking through the airlock, Theo saw him and bolted across the waiting area.
“Theo, wait!” Jana cried.
But it was no use, excitement had him now, and there was no stopping him. He reached his dad in seconds, and Michael swept him into his arms.
“Hello dad.” Theo said.
“Hello son, where’s your mum.” Michael replied.
“Over there.” Replied Theo pointing to where Jana was walking towards them.
“Hello sailor.” Jana said seductively.
Michael smiled, put Theo down, and passionately kissed Jana.
Theo blanched and turned away.
When they had parted Jana said gasping “I guess you missed me then.”
“You bet I did.” Michael replied, “Let’s go home.”
Together, the three of them walked back to their quarters.

 

[alternicity]

Hi, Reasonably good start, but: 1 I would change that first paragraph, it is trying to convey too much I think. 2 The Michael to Jana POV jump might suit a script, but if the story is to remain as text then I think it is a bit hmm... Wouldn't they reach external comm range first? If not maybe say why not.. It made me think of the scene at the start of the Transformers movie, where some soldier talks to his kids, even though the detail is different. Good luck Vargev

 

[chrispenycate]

You've got an automatic 'this is a full stop, the next letter is a capital' setting in your program, which means when you shorten 'communications unit' (or whatever) to 'comm.' (as one does) the 'pinged' (or whatever)that follows it gets a capital letter. I feel there ought to be something indicating the hundreds of miles of distance between viewpoints when you switch so rapidly; perhaps an asterisk?

This excerpt is from the first chapter of my book. Any type of critique would be greatfully received.

Homecoming.

Lieutenant Michael Alexander could see the massive form of Delta Base slowly drawing nearer,

new sentence

he was a deck officer on board the E.D.F.S Ulysses, a Danitza class battleship, and it was just returning from a three month escort operation with another explorator fleet on the northern tip near Eidolon.

He was glad it was coming into dock,

semicolon

it was his fourth explorator run this year, and

he? As written it's the run that's happy

was glad of the shore leave. He was tired and longed to see his wife, Jana

comma

and his five year old son

comma

Theo.

* * *​

On board the station Jana looked out the view port,

either a full stop here, or "On board the station, when Jana looked out the view port". I'd like to get rid of the repetition of "station", too

along the structure of docking station twelve, she could just about see the small shape of the Ulysses coming towards them. Slowly,

without the comma?

but surely it grew larger. Little Theo kept jumping up and down, trying to get a better view. His excitement was evident

perhaps move the "was evident" to the end of the sentence

at getting the chance to see his daddy again.

The forward thrusters began to fire, slowly killing the forward momentum of the huge ship,

full stop

the thruster jets looked like two bright white streams extending out from the front two sides of the ship.

I don't get a picture, particularly of the "front two sides"

* * *​

On board the Ulysses the internal comm. Beeped. “All hands, this is the Captain,

semicolon

Adopt docking positions.” Michael walked over to a large fixed chair, and strapped himself in with the attached harness.

The ship slowly neared the base, then there was a shudder, a metallic ’clunk’ and a grating noise, then finally the ship came to a stop.

could we get rid of the repetition of "them"? Possibly start a new sentence "There was a shudder…"

Michael un-strapped himself, and made his way to the forward docking arm.

* * *​

Meanwhile

comma

on board the station

comma

the internal comm. Chimed and a voice spoke. “E.D.F.S Ulysses has successfully docked on docking station twelve, no admittance except military personnel and families.”

Slowly the crew of the Ulysses began to disembark. There where

were

some quite old men, and some where

were

quite young.

clumsy

And several female crewmembers could be seen, but no Michael

comma

and Theo began to look worried,

new sentence

a look of doubt began to cross his face, and he looked up at Jana.

“He’ll arrive soon.” Jana said warmly, looking down at him.

Then Michael began walking through the airlock,

new sentence

Theo saw him and bolted across the waiting area.

“Theo, wait!” Jana cried.
But it was no use,

semicolon

excitement had him now, and there was no stopping him. He reached his dad in seconds, and Michael swept him into his arms.

“Hello dad.” Theo said.
“Hello son, where’s your mum.” Michael replied.
“Over there.” Replied Theo pointing to where Jana was walking towards them.
“Hello sailor.” Jana said seductively.
Michael smiled, put Theo down, and passionately kissed Jana.
Theo blanched and turned away.
When they had parted Jana said gasping “I guess you missed me then.”
“You bet I did.” Michael replied, “Let’s go home.”
Together, the three of them walked back to their quarters.

It's a bit wordy for a moment when nothing much is going on. I suspect you could trim it down quite a bit without losing any of the information, or incorporate a load more facts into this length without it becoming an infodump.

 

[AE35Unit]

Chris I thought exactly the same there on the first sentence. Should be a full stop rather than a comma after the words 'drawing nearer'
Have you done any writing yourself Chris? I've tried many times but while I'm pretty good with grammar I lack imagination and stamina to continue!

 

[Vargev]

Thanks guys.

thanks Alternicity, i dont think the resemblance to transformers was intentional, in fact i wrote the notes to this before transformers came out. ha ha.

I love your critiques chrispenycate, keep it coming.
The communications thing is mainly due to the fact that micheal isnt a member of the command staff on board the ulysses, for wont of a better word he's basically an average joe. so he wouldnt be privvy to communications being sent and recieved from the station, this is explained a little later in the book, in the third chapter. however maybe i should have explained this earlier.

The quite young thing, was basically me trying to convey a sense of people of all sizes piling off the ship, kind of like what happens at an airport terminal. though i think more thought in this area is required.

ae35unit, i found that writing this was a kind of labour of love, yeah sometimes it was hard, sometimes i was scratching my head for weeks trying to get a particular section to convey what i was seeing in my mind, but the only advice i can give is that if you believe your story is strong enough, and you believe in it enough, then you should never give up

 

[Blackrook]

If you're going to spend all this time on a rather ordinary docking scene, you should use the time wisely by giving us more information about your characters and the world they live in.

 

[Peter Graham]

Hi Vargev,

The idea is fine and the execution is nicely done but you do commit a few cardinal sins. Most of them crop up more than once, but by way of example (and leaving the grammar aside as Chris has already done his stuff):-

Lieutenant Michael Alexander could see the massive form of Delta Base slowly drawing nearer, he was a deck officer on board the E.D.F.S Ulysses, a Danitza class battleship, and it was just returning from a three month escort operation with another explorator fleet on the northern tip near Eidolon.

This is both an info dump and also an example of telling not showing. It also verges on a change to narrative voice. You introduce Michael and we, the reader, start from inside his head as he watches the base draw near. Then you jump out of his point of view and dump a load of dry, explanatory but appartently irrelevant information about what he does and where he has been. If we need to know this stuff now, tease it out via dialogue or relate it to his thoughts. If we don't need to know it now, don't bother telling us until we do need to know it- just keep us in his head and tell us what he is thinking.

He was glad it was coming into dock, it was his fourth explorator run this year, and was glad of the shore leave. He was tired and longed to see his wife, Jana and his five year old son Theo.

More telling not showing. Do we need to know Theo's age? If so, be a bit more inventive as to how you tell us about it - "he was glad that he was going to be back in time for Theo's fifth birthday, although the prospect of being covered in half-digested jelly and gobbets of fluorescent green brat snot was rather less appealing" (you might feel that the second part of this doesn't suit the tone, but you get the idea!).

On board the station Jana looked out the view port, along the structure of docking station twelve, she could just about see the small shape of the Ulysses coming towards them. Slowly, but surely it grew larger. Little Theo kept jumping up and down, trying to get a better view. His excitement was evident at getting the chance to see his daddy again.

Head hop! You are now in a different character's p.o.v and it's only the second paragraph. It's bad practice to flit around like this from one narrative voice or one p.o.v to another, as not only does it confuse the reader, it also breaks the build up of dramatic tension and makes it harder for the reader to clearly identify and get to know the lead character. Keep p.o.v. shifts to separate chapters, or at the very least behind clearly defined breaks.

Michael walked over to a large fixed chair, and strapped himself in with the attached harness.
The ship slowly neared the base, then there was a shudder, a metallic ’clunk’ and a grating noise, then finally the ship came to a stop. Michael un-strapped himself, and made his way to the forward docking arm.

I'm not feeling any emotional attachment to Michael. It's all very clinical - he does this, he does that. I want to know how he is feeling and what the mood around him is like - presumably his crew mates are all impatient to see loved ones and in good spirits about being home. We need to feel a part of that.

Regards,

Peter

 

[Vargev]

Thanks peter,

The story is initially one about family, Micheal spending time with his son and Jana, this is tragically cut short when humanity enconters its first alien race, who turn out to be extremely hostile. Then the story mutates into one of sacrifice, loss, friendships and ultimate redemption, all the while dealing with issues like duty vs. family, and also that even mr joe average can change the course of an entire war.

Maybe it is my writing style with the clinicalness, not so sure, but you have given me food for thought and thanks for that.

Blackrook.

Normally i wouldnt spend quite as much time on a rather ordinary docking scene, however since this is the very beginning of the book, i think a bit more effort is needed here, as opposed to it appearing mid-way through for example. However saying that, i like to spend lots of time on all my scenes.

Gradually throughout the first few chapters the world that Micheal inhabits, what the E.D.F is and how it functions is gradually explained to the reader, in the guise of a father talking to his son. I did this to avoid an unnessecarily large infodump, and also to give a sense of realism, for instance Micheal wouldnt go talking to a complete stranger about what he does and the organisation he works for.

 

[Blackrook]

Hostile aliens attacking humans is ok, but please don't make them sterotypical "baddies" who kill, rape and pillage for fun.

A very rational, peaceful race would have a very good reason to exterminate humans. We are a warlike and violent race, and any encounter between humans and aliens would end badly for any alien race that was not as warlike and violent as us.

Make the aliens "good guys" who are very polite and gentle while they escort humans to the death chambers. The aliens don't want to exterminate humans, but they don't see any choice about it.

 

[dustinzgirl]

Hostile aliens attacking humans is ok, but please don't make them sterotypical "baddies" who kill, rape and pillage for fun.

.

Is there any other reason to kill, rape and pillage, other than for fun?



I like the baddies.

 

[Vargev]

the basic plotline.

You'll be pleased then blackrook, that its a bit more intelligent than the usual bad guy race thrashing around and beating up everyone in sight.

At the start of the book, humanity has no idea of any alien races existing, there just happily going along, starting up new colonies, and exploring new systems, completely oblivious to the alien races surrounding them. On the galactic stage, humanity is new and just beginning to emerge on the scene.

However the different alien races each have their own unique flavour and characteristics to them, for example the Solarians are a peaceful, pacifistic race by nature and try to avoid conflict wherever possible, unless forced to, however they are also the most technologically advanced race of all of the different races, if they where a fantasy race we would probably call them Elves.

The main antagonists in this book are the Krenarans however, who are expansionist, facist, and extremely warlike, and its they who invade humanity, but even they are not doing it for no reason, they are invading for humanities resources, which they intend to strip, and then effectively sell off large parts on the galactic market, and ploughing the extra revenue into their military in the hope of gradually taking over every race in the known galaxy.

Unfortunately for humanity the Krenarans are far stronger, and much more advanced than they are. However the Solarians realise the Krenarans scheme and also realise that if the Krenarans succeed, they themselves could one day be destroyed by them too, and decide to side with the humans, in a kind of pre-emptive measure, there is a huge debate on Solaria, but ultimately realise there is no other option, and have to act.

Thats basically the gist of it guys.

 

[Blackrook]

No more?

 

[RcGrant]

Is there any other reason to kill, rape and pillage, other than for fun?



I like the baddies.

LOL I like your comments.

 

[Fal]

I love Sci-Fi and straight away I get the image of a gigantic ship, although I can't picture it's size compared to the station? Might be worth adding something there, whether you use actual measurements ie: km/miles or whatever, or whether you use a comparison against something people can picture is up to you as the writer.

As for the dialogue, I agree that there could be a lot cut away and, although different writers have different takes on adding or removing 'he said', 'she said', 'he laughed', 'she hissed' etc... when who is talking is obvious ie: 'Hello Dad', I don't see any need in mentioning who said that, as you've already said he has only one child present at the dock and so it couldn't, surely, be anyone else? Unless the wife is a bit kinky .
He then replies as the father, which is quite clear also and doesn't really need mentioning. They do say a reader tends to skip the 'he said' 'she said' when it's clear who's speaking, but I think it best to lose it if it isn't necessary, so it doesn't draw your eye away from what's important: the dialogue!

I like the passionate kiss by the way! I've read too many things where people meet up again, especially lovers/couples and they chat for about ten minuted before embracing/kissing etc... So that was a nice touch!

I don't know if it's just me, but I found it hard to picture the dock? Not just regarding size, but layout too? Is it sterile and minilamist, or cluttered with mechanical vehicles, parts, machines... robots?

It's all very interesting though and I look forward to you maybe adding some more after taking onboard some of the advice from above. There's so many savvy readers/writers on this forum!

 

[Vargev]

i havent been online for a little while, do to my computer almost dying, and it has only came back from the people who fixed it this morning. i havent even been able to type some of my revision of this novel up, let alone get online. boo!

Wow, 267 views, i never knew it would prove this popular, thanks for all the tips, i have definately taken them on board. i'm now resuming my 3rd revision of the novel before i send it out to the publishers. I will post a little more soon blackrook, but obviously i dont want to publish too much on here, in case it queers it with the agents and publishers.

Thanks for your comments Fal, that is exactly what i wanted to portray a gigantic ship coming into dock, like a giant ferry comes into harbour, sloooow and measured, becuase of its size. And she's a battleship, so she is chock full of weaponry.

Delta base is actually absolutely huge, and one of the primary installations in the entire E.D.F and dwarfs the Ulysses. It serves as the headquarters for the entire E.D.F Navy, this is also shown in more detail in the second chapter but perhaps i should add a few words to that effect here too.

The dock itself has a very open layout, which is intentional as it allows for rapid re-crewing of the ship in an emergency. which actually does happen, at the end of the third chapter. It is usually full of people milling about, going to and from whatever ship happens to be in that particular dock at the time. i should add some words to that effect here also.

 

[Fal]

Well it all sounds good to me, and I'll look forward to reading more!

 

[Vargev]

Ok guys, this is the first of two new posts on this.

[FONT=&quot]Chapter 1[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]The Homecoming[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] Lieutenant Michael Alexander could see the massive form of Delta Base slowly drawing nearer. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]He was a deck officer on board the E.D.F.S Ulysses, a Danitza class battleship, and it was just returning from a three month escort operation with another[/FONT][FONT=&quot] explorator[/FONT][FONT=&quot] fleet on the northern tip near Eidolon.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]He was glad it was coming into dock; it was his fourth[/FONT][FONT=&quot] explorator[/FONT][FONT=&quot] run this year, and was glad of the shore leave. He was tired and longed to see his wife, Jana, and his son, Theo.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] On board the station; Jana looked out the view port, along the structure of docking station twelve, she could just about see the small shape of the Ulysses coming towards them.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Slowly but surely it grew larger.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Little Theo kept jumping up and down, trying to get a better view. His excitement at getting the chance to see his daddy again was evident. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] The dock was one of the larger ones on board Delta base, capable of servicing the mighty Danitza class battleships, being one of the largest ships in the Navy. The dock itself was rather minimalist in its design, which was intentional, due to the need to re-crew the ship, once docked in case of an emergency. However right now throngs of people where gathered to greet the crewmen when they disembarked from the vessel, dozens of servicing crews where stood by also. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] The forward thrusters began to fire, slowly killing the forward momentum of the huge ship. The thruster jets looked like two bright white streams extending out from the sloping front bow of the ship.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] On board the Ulysses the internal comm. beeped. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]“[/FONT][FONT=&quot]All hands, this is the captain; Adopt docking positions.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]”[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Michael walked over to a large fixed chair, and strapped himself in with the attached harness.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] The ship slowly neared the base, which although the Ulysses was a colossal vessel; Delta base dwarfed even that.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]There was a shudder, a metallic [/FONT][FONT=&quot]’[/FONT][FONT=&quot]clunk[/FONT][FONT=&quot]’[/FONT][FONT=&quot] and a grating noise, and finally the ship came to a stop. Michael un-strapped himself, and made his way to the forward docking arm.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Meanwhile on board the station; the internal comm. chimed and a voice spoke. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]“[/FONT][FONT=&quot]E.D.F.S Ulysses has successfully docked on docking station twelve, no admittance except military personnel and families.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]”[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Slowly the crew of the Ulysses began to disembark. There were some quite old men, and some were relatively young. Several female crewmembers could be seen, but no Michael, and Theo began to look worried. A look of doubt began to cross his face, and he looked up at Jana.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] “[/FONT][FONT=&quot]He[/FONT][FONT=&quot]’ll[/FONT][FONT=&quot] arrive soon.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]”[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Jana said warmly looking down at him.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Then Michael began walking through the airlock. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Theo saw him and bolted across the waiting area.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] “[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Theo, wait![/FONT][FONT=&quot]”[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Jana cried.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]But it was no use; excitement had him now, and there was no stopping him. He reached his dad in seconds, and Michael swept him into his arms.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] “[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Hello dad.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]”[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]“[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Hello son, you didn’t think I would miss your fifth birthday did you, where[/FONT][FONT=&quot]’[/FONT][FONT=&quot]s your mum?[/FONT][FONT=&quot]”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] “[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Over there.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]”[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Replied Theo pointing to where Jana was walking towards them.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Hello sailor.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]”[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Jana said seductively.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Michael smiled, put Theo down, and passionately kissed Jana.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Theo blanched and turned away.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] When they had parted Jana said gasping [/FONT][FONT=&quot]“[/FONT][FONT=&quot]I guess you missed me then.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]”[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] “[/FONT][FONT=&quot]You bet I did, let’s go home.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]”[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Together, the three of them began the long walk back to their quarters.[/FONT]

 

[chrispenycate]

Ok guys, this is the first of two new posts on this.

[FONT=&quot]Chapter 1
The Homecoming​

Lieutenant Michael Alexander could see the massive form of Delta Base slowly drawing nearer.
He was a deck officer on board the E.D.F.S Ulysses, a Danitza class battleship, and it

consider "which was"

was just returning from a three month escort operation with another

why the word"another"?

explorator fleet on the northern tip near Eidolon.

He was glad it was coming into dock; it was his fourth explorator run this year, and

he

was glad of the shore leave. He was tired and longed to see his wife, Jana, and his son, Theo.

On board the station; Jana looked out the view port,

full stop

along the structure of docking station twelve,

without the comma

she could just about see the small shape of the Ulysses coming towards them.

Slowly but surely it grew larger.



Little Theo kept jumping up and down, trying to get a better view. His excitement at getting the chance

"getting the chance" is a bit clumsy here, and not totally necessary

to see his daddy again was evident.

The dock was one of the larger ones on board Delta base, capable of servicing the mighty Danitza class battleships,

I wouldn't the entire "Danitza class battleships", and a class can't be classed as "one of the largest ships ". Possibly "among the largest ships?

being one of the largest ships in the Navy. The dock itself was rather minimalist in its design, which was intentional, due to the need to re-crew the ship, once docked in case of an emergency.

I don't follow the logic of that sentence at all. "Minimalist" in that it had few personnel ramps and cargo cranes in order to expedite recrewing? Or without hot-dog stands and brass bands? Most naval bases where they intend to get crew on and off vessels fast are – not cluttered, but heavily equipped for moving people fast and efficiently

However

comma

right now throngs of people where

were

gathered to greet the crewmen when they disembarked from the vessel,

at least a semicolon here, but probably an "and"

dozens of servicing crews where

were

stood by also.

The forward thrusters began to fire, slowly killing the forward momentum of the huge ship. The thruster jets looked like two bright white streams extending out from the sloping front bow of the ship.


On board the Ulysses the internal comm. beeped.
“All hands, this is the captain; Adopt docking positions.”

"Positions" suggests "head between knees, brace! brace!". Stations?

Michael walked over to a large fixed chair, and strapped himself in with the attached harness.

The ship slowly neared the base, which although the Ulysses was a colossal vessel; Delta base dwarfed even that.

clumsy. Something like "The Ulysses slowly neared Delta base which dwarfed even that colossal vessel."?

There was a shudder, a metallic ’clunk’ and a grating noise, and finally the ship came to a stop. Michael un-strapped himself, and made his way to the forward docking arm.


Meanwhile

comma

on board the station;

just comma

the internal comm. chimed and a voice spoke.“E.D.F.S Ulysses has successfully docked on docking station twelve, no admittance except military personnel and families.
Slowly the crew of the Ulysses began to disembark. There were some quite old men, and some were relatively young. Several female crewmembers could be seen, but no Michael, and Theo began to look worried. A look of doubt began to cross his face, and he looked up at Jana.

“He’ll arrive soon.” Jana said warmly

comma

looking down at him.


Then Michael began walking through the airlock.
Theo saw him and bolted across the waiting area.
“Theo, wait!” Jana cried.
But it was no use; excitement had him now, and there was no stopping him. He reached his dad in seconds, and Michael swept him into his arms.
“Hello dad.”
“Hello son, you didn’t think I would miss your fifth birthday did you, where’s your mum?”

you know that's multiple sentences and you're just indicating the lack of pauses in his dialogue, right?

“Over there.” Replied Theo

comma

pointing to where Jana was walking towards them.
“Hello sailor.” Jana said seductively.
Michael smiled, put Theo down, and passionately kissed Jana.
Theo blanched and turned away.
When they had parted Jana said

comma

gasping “I guess you missed me then.”
“You bet I did, let’s go home.”
Together, the three of them began the long walk back to their quarters.[/FONT]

Ouch, your font formatting system makes it difficult to edit.

 

[Vargev]

oops sorry chris about the formatting, the second post will be better. since i been on here, and reading others posts, and getting other viewpoints, my writing has improved i think. and especially the way i view written words, i recently read through an rpg campaign i bought, and there where so many errors in the usage and gramattical errors i wondered however it managed to get printed in the first place. ha ha.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

Ok guys, this is the first of two new posts on this.

[FONT=&quot]Chapter 1[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]The Homecoming[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Lieutenant Michael Alexander could see the massive form of Delta Base slowly drawing nearer. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]He was a deck officer on board the E.D.F.S Ulysses, a Danitza class battleship, and it was just returning from a three month escort operation with another[/FONT][FONT=&quot] explorator[/FONT][FONT=&quot] fleet on the northern tip near Eidolon.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]He was glad it was coming into dock; it was his fourth[/FONT][FONT=&quot] explorator[/FONT][FONT=&quot] run this year, and was glad of the shore leave. He was tired and longed to see his wife, Jana, and his son, Theo.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]On board the station; Jana looked out the view port, along the structure of docking station twelve, she could just about see the small shape of the Ulysses coming towards them. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Slowly but surely it grew larger. [/FONT]



[FONT=&quot]Little Theo kept jumping up and down, trying to get a better view. His excitement at getting the chance to see his daddy again was evident. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The dock was one of the larger ones on board Delta base, capable of servicing the mighty Danitza class battleships, being one of the largest ships (Is the class the largest or the ship I think it might be better without the 'being' and the 'ships') in the Navy. The dock itself was rather minimalist in its design, which was intentional, due to the need to re-crew the ship, once docked in case of an emergency (confusing :- the to concepts are not obviously connected). However right now throngs of people where gathered to greet the crewmen when they disembarked from the vessel, dozens of servicing crews where stood by also. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The forward thrusters began to fire, (reverse thrusters would seem better forward thrusters imply forward motion) slowly (loose the slowly it's conflicts with the momentum) killing the forward momentum of the huge ship. The thruster jets looked like two bright white streams extending out from the sloping front bow of the ship. (I would hve thought ion thusters would be the norm burning gas doesn't seem like inter steller travel)[/FONT]

Sorry have to go will return

TEiN