My first book E.D.F Chronicles 1 - the Krenaran massacre. Please critique.

[chrispenycate]

loose the slowly it's conflicts with the momentum)

I'm not supposed to critique critiques, am I? "Lose", and "it", not "it's" (sorry, it's become a reflex) and "momentum" (inertia) is mass times velocity, and doesn't have any relation to time taken

I would hve have thought ion thusters thrusters would be the norm semicolon burning gas doesn't seem like inter steller stellar travel

No reaction drive seems reasonable for interstellar travel; I assume this is an auxiliary system for docking and accelerating from planetary orbits and stations. I suspect it is a plasma jet, despite the problems if this washes over the docking section – I wouldn't let anyone, families or service personnel, into the space until relative motion had ceased. Ion drive, at a couple of thousandths of a g would take far too long to dispose of the MV.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

All fair comments Chris.

Mrs. TEiN came home and I was dragged kicking and screaming from the keyboard. Only just had time to press the post button so wasn't able to check it over first.


The comment about the slowly was more to do with, to me, it seems to say

Slowly it slowed the ship. In any case without the slowly as in :-

The forward thrusters began to fire, killing the forward momentum of the huge ship.

sounds more active.

As for plasma/ion drive. I'm sure the environmentalist will have rules about filling space with all those gases from a reactive propulsion system. Think about the carbon offset costs (Yes I know H2+O2 = Clean)




Cheers.

 

[chrispenycate]

Both the ion engine and the plasma jet are reaction drives, and put large quantities of matter into space. The ion drive tends to use heavier molecules, as it is easier to get the momentum into them – didn't the recent one use neon? and I've heard mercury proposed – whereas my plasma drive combines the thrust part with a hydrogen fusion generator, so most of the mass expelled is helium, the second most common element in the universe. I didn't even consider chemical rockets for anything more arduous than steering. The ion thruster is low thrust, continuous use, while the plasma drive is better for handbrake turns and slowing in a few million kilometres.



I notice that, despite my sneering at reaction drives for docking intrasystem/intersystem ships with a space station, whether they be the higher energy plasma jets or the more efficient but less powerful ion drives (or even the theoretical even more efficient photon drive) nobody's asked how I would bring them in/launch them. After all, if you have to eject 10% of your ship's mass in a very high energy form almost directly at the dock you are targeting, the risk of error are considerable, and the consequences impressive.

You will still need the reaction drive for in-system manoeuvring, unless your interstellar drive can be adapted for this, so I'm not simplifying ship design any.

I propose a variation on the linear accelerator theme (I like magnetics; they're easy to understand.) Out from the station, along the approach trajectory for the incoming craft, we put a series of superconducting coils. These have to be quite big, as we're intending to fly the ship through them, and held rigidly in place relative to the station, as the momentum of the vessel is going to be transferred into them, and as they extend several thousand kilometres from the dock this is no minor engineering problem.

Magnetic fields generated in the ship's hull cause a current to flow in the coil, and this generates energy for the station itself, which is stored for launching the vessel later. The ship is slowed without any loss of reaction mass, and maximum efficiency of energy.

Disadvantages? The vulnerability of the 'coil tower' for a military establishment, and the precision required on the approach vector.

From the description in the story the ship is coming in very slowly (only a few tens of minutes from approach velocity to rest, no more than ten metres per second per second deceleration, or he would have been in a couch, not strapped into a chair). And those are maxima; I'd expect at least an order of magnitude less. Which gives us a starting speed which, while suicidal for atmospheric craft, is barely a crawl for interstellar (don't you wish that publishers could give you a guarantee that nobody like me would ever read your book?)

So, they've slowed down to almost nothing well before doing their final manoeuvring – why? Probably because of the risk factor. Insurance companies insist, et cetera.

 

[Vargev]

hiya guys, an interesting little debate you got going on here, if my story encourages that then i'm pleased.

I'm glad you got that the ship coming into dock is moving very slowly, becuase thats exactly what i wanted to portray, the thruster systems used throughout all ships in the E.D.F are just standard chemical thrusters. And there is a reason why i've wanted to use them, becuase the story only begins in 2079, so its not too far away, and i've used quite a lot of real world tech but advanced it somewhat to represent that. (mainly becuase i didnt want to go like every other sci-fi book and put it in the far future, in this first book i wanted an almost convergence of standard tech that you would find in the world today and future tech, in the other books the tech will gradually increase as the E.D.F and humanity make breakthroughs and alliances with some of the other alien species out there.)

The thrusters used on the Ulysses, are just a much larger version of the standard thrusters used on space shuttles today, when i designed the Ulysses she is 3,810 meters long, which if you put a ship of that size in space, the effects of intertia on her, would be far more than a little fighter for example. And so thats why she is approaching the station sooooo slowly, becuase those thrusters have to counter act the sheer mass of the ship to get it to slow down.

Its the same when its turning, since those thrusters are placed in the starboard and port bow, and starboard and port stern of the ship, they have to act in concert for it to turn in space. hence even maneuvering it takes a loooong time, whereas a destroyer can run rings around it maneuverability wise.

There are three propulsion systems that E.D.F ships use, the thrusters (only used for maneuvering.), the inter-system boosters, (a series of giant rockets, used for travelling within a system.) And plasma drive (A relatively new advance that allows for faster than light travel, hence how the outer colonies formed.)

I hope this has helped you somewhat guys. lol

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

OK back to the meaty stuff

Vargev:

On board the Ulysses the internal comm. beeped. [FONT=&quot]“[/FONT][FONT=&quot]All hands, this is the captain; Adopt docking positions.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]”[/FONT][FONT=&quot] (Now this might be sensible on a boat but what are they supposed to do on a space ship - ready the mooring lines get the fenders out - Surely all they have to do is wait especially as, as you say this is going to take some time with no bumps or shocks - Now if the gravity system was being disengaged to match the station's that would make some sense) Michael walked over to a large fixed chair, and strapped himself in with the attached harness.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The ship slowly (sounds like a story board direction) neared the base, which although the Ulysses was a colossal vessel; Delta base dwarfed even that.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]There was a shudder, a metallic [/FONT][FONT=&quot]’[/FONT][FONT=&quot]clunk[/FONT][FONT=&quot]’[/FONT][FONT=&quot] and a grating noise, and finally the ship came to a stop. Michael un-strapped (released the harness- maybe) himself, and made his way to the forward docking arm. (that's a long walk - 3km possibly the nearest docking arm but even then it's going to take hours to get to the family area) [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]Meanwhile (This sounds long winded - Just - "In the waiting area the..." would do) on board the station; the internal comm. chimed and a voice spoke. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]“[/FONT][FONT=&quot]E.D.F.S Ulysses has successfully docked on docking station twelve, no admittance except military personnel and families.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Slowly (too many slowlys) the crew of the Ulysses began to disembark. There were some quite old men, and some were relatively young. Several female crewmembers could be seen, (I'd delete this it's a bit simplistic- When after several hours Theo couldn't see his dad he began to look worried. Had he fallen prey to the deadly rat mite fever that had been reported to be rampant through the fleet. He looked at his mother, tears welling in his eyes.) but no Michael, and Theo began to look worried. A look of doubt began to cross his face, and he looked up at Jana.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“[/FONT][FONT=&quot]He[/FONT][FONT=&quot]’ll[/FONT][FONT=&quot] arrive soon.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]”[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Jana said warmly looking down at him.[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]Then Michael began walking through the airlock. (If it's an airlock then he wouldn't be walking through it - He'd be waiting for the doors to open or emerging from it)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Theo saw him and bolted across the waiting area.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Theo, wait![/FONT][FONT=&quot]”[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Jana cried.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]But it was no use; excitement had him now, and there was no stopping him. He reached his dad in seconds, and Michael swept him into his arms.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Hello dad.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]” (I would think a five year old would be more unrestrained than this - Daddy daddy - at least)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Hello son, you didn’t think I would miss your fifth birthday did you, where[/FONT][FONT=&quot]’[/FONT][FONT=&quot]s your mum?[/FONT][FONT=&quot]”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Over there.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]”[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Replied Theo pointing to where Jana was walking towards them.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Hello sailor.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]”[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Jana said seductively.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Michael smiled, put Theo down, and passionately kissed Jana.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Theo blanched and turned away.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]When they had parted Jana said gasping [/FONT][FONT=&quot]“[/FONT][FONT=&quot]I guess you missed me then.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“[/FONT][FONT=&quot]You bet I did, let’s go home.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Together, (Together not required - "After the usual formalities of registration and drawing ration tokens the three of...") the three of them began the long walk back to their quarters.[/FONT]

 

[Vargev]

Thanks end is nigh.

[FONT=&quot]“[/FONT][FONT=&quot]All hands, this is the captain; Adopt docking positions.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]”[/FONT][FONT=&quot] (Now this might be sensible on a boat but what are they supposed to do on a space ship - ready the mooring lines get the fenders out - Surely all they have to do is wait especially as, as you say this is going to take some time with no bumps or shocks - Now if the gravity system was being disengaged to match the station's that would make some sense) Michael walked over to a large fixed chair, and strapped himself in with the attached harness.

This is the captain warning his crew for the coming, grating, clunking, and generally shuddering, that was about to happen when the ship docked.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
Then Michael began walking through the airlock. (If it's an airlock then he wouldn't be walking through it - He'd be waiting for the doors to open or emerging from it)

Probably emerging from it would be a better use of the word, since the airlock doors are already open.

[/FONT]

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

On a ship that big would they hear the clunks and scrapes 3km away as they dock given all the other noises that will be going on.

Emerging is better. Air lock doors aren't usually left with both doors open which is slightly implied by the "through".

I had in mind the lad could be jumping up and down as he saw his dad's face in the window before the doors open. This would also give mum a reason to be concerned in case he got caught in the doors when they opened.

 

[Vargev]

thanks end is nigh, now for the second post i promised. this is taken from the point of view of a briefing being held onboard the Ulysses. And details the first major attack upon an E.D.F Naval vessel by as yet unknown forces.

[FONT=&quot]He met up with Dylan again just as he was heading around a corridor, and asked. “Have you heard anything yet?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Dylan shook his head. “No, not a thing, whatever has happened, they are keeping very tight lipped about it.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Soon they entered deck 14, and walked past a small metal sign that read cargo hold. The two of them walked through a large open set of heavy looking steel doors, and into a vast hall. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Inside a small platform had been prepared, with a large portable viewer behind it. There where rows upon rows of seats, all neatly arranged in front of the platform. The spot lights in the ceiling were angled toward the platform bathing it in a soft glow, as well as the rows of seats, and cast the large storage racks looming on the periphery of the room into darkness.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Some crewmembers had already filtered in, and several of the front rows where already full.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Michael and Dylan walked somewhere in the middle; sat down and waited for the briefing to begin.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Another Officer, whom the two of them didn’t know, walked onto the stage, carrying a polished wooden lectern, and placed it in the middle of the platform. He then proceeded to attach a small microphone onto this lectern. The shriek of the distortion as the officer turned the microphone on made everyone in the vast hall cringe.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]On the stand of this lectern, there was a plaque, which bore the seal of the E.D.F Navy; an eagle, inside a planet, and surrounded by a wreath.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Slowly the room began to fill up, when everyone was inside the hall, another officer at the rear of the hall pressed a button and the giant steel doors slowly closed, with a customary gentle metallic grinding noise.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] There was a small pause, and hushed whispering voices could be heard, as the crew tried in vain to deduce what the briefing was about. A Naval whistle cut through the air, and as one the entire crew stood to attention.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] “Captain on deck!” An officer shouted to the side of the main body of men.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Captain Wainwright, the grizzled, experienced commanding officer of the E.D.F.S Ulysses, strode confidently onto the platform, carrying a black leather bound book. It was again depicting the symbol of the E.D.F Navy. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] “Gentlemen, please be seated.” The softly spoken Captain announced.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Although Michael had never actually spoke to Wainwright himself, he knew from what others had said that the good Captain was one of the best in the fleet, and that this was his second command, rumours where also circulating recently among the lower ranks that he was also considering his retirement after commanding the Ulysses for nearly nine years.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] The men all sat down at once.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] “What you are about to hear is highly classified [/FONT][FONT=&quot]information, it does not leave this ship. Exactly the same briefings are being held throughout the fleet. Do you understand?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] The crowd shouted in unison. “Yes sir!”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Good, then the briefing can begin.” The Captain replied.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“As of [FONT=&quot]09:00[/FONT][FONT=&quot] hours, the carrier E.D.F.S Montfort, which you may know if you read the news, was stationed near the Agemman system. The ship was attacked by an unknown alien force and destroyed with all hands; resulting in the deaths of 740 men and women.”

The crowd let out an involuntary gasp at the seriousness of the information.“I knew it.” Dylan whispered to himself.

“All the information we have, is contained in this communication, sent by the Commanding Officer of the Montfort, Captain Reynolds before he died.” The Captain motioned to another officer at the rear of the room, and a projection was played. It contained sensor data from the Montfort, as well as an onboard video of the bridge crew. Three small black and silver[/FONT][FONT=&quot] coloured[/FONT][FONT=&quot] vessels, where slowly advancing toward the carrier. The first communication came from the[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Montfort[/FONT][FONT=&quot]. [/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Unknown vessels, this is Captain Reynolds of the [/FONT][FONT=&quot]E.D.F.S Montfort, you are in violation of E.O.C.A territory. Please identify yourselves, we mean you no harm, repeat, we mean you no harm.”[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] Next there came a communication from the alien vessels. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] “On mulv varash a’lahun, al orash vak kroluth.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
Another bridge officer, this time a female said. “Our translators are completely baffled sir.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] “Try your best Lieutenant.” Captain Reynolds replied, as he quickly turned in his seat and said to another officer. “Send out the universal greeting, all frequencies.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] “Yes sir.” A young officer replied.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] Then there came another communication, over the speakers.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“On vak drovath lok al Krenarii [FONT=&quot]aden[/FONT][FONT=&quot]!”[/FONT][/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] A man turned bearing a Commanders rank insignia. “I don’t like the sound of that Captain; recommend we go to general quarter’s sir.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] “Do it, but don’t power the weapons, we don’t want to appear threatening.” Reynolds Replied. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] There was a small tense pause on the bridge of the carrier, as the alien vessels continued to close with the E.D.F vessel. Reynolds focused upon the viewer.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Back us off ensign, put some distance between us and them. Reverse thrust, 20% power.” Reynolds ordered, [/FONT][FONT=&quot]stroking his chin thoughtfully.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] The twin forward thrusters blew, the super heated gases, slowly began to overcome the weight of the vessel, and it gingerly began to reverse.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] Then a third communication came over the speakers. “Al Krenarii mulv brolis, al orash vak kroluth!” Came the screaming voice.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] “Holy, wait a minute captain, I’m reading massive power spikes coming from those ships sir!” A panicked voice announced.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Reynolds turned toward the officer. “What. What kind of power spikes?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] “Unknown Captain, but they’re off the scale.” The Officer replied.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Reynolds shouted. “Full alert status, get those fighters back here right now!”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The Commander announced in sheer terror. “Too late Captain, look!”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Reynolds turned back to the viewer, just in time to see a bright green glow steadily growing brighter, at the lower beam of each of the alien vessels quickly rising in brightness. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] “Oh my god, lord save us!” Reynolds said as he realized his fate.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] The three Alien vessels then unleashed the built up power into three bright green energy beams, which hurtled towards the Montfort with incredible speed. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The beams smashed into the forward section of the Montfort, almost tearing a hole right through the sloping forward section of the carrier, sending debris and flames blossoming out into space.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] The bridge was a scene of utter desolation; bodies horribly mutilated lay fallen, mixed with the broken remains of consoles and shattered support girders. Acrid smoke filled the air, and flames licked out of half a dozen smashed consoles.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Reynolds quickly came to; after he was almost launched from his chair. Blood trickling down the side of his face from a gash caused by a piece of flying debris. The broken body of his navigation officer lay motionless at the base of his chair.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Over the roar of flames, and the crackling of broken power conduits Reynolds shouted “Full reverse, get us the hell out of here!”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Another officer groggily tried to pick his way through the debris littering the bridge floor, and sat at the former navigation officers’ console. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
One of the still functioning thrusters fired for all it[/FONT][FONT=&quot] was worth. As the interim navigation officer shunted every last ounce of power remaining. The Montfort desperately tried to turn away from the small nimble alien craft that it dwarfed.

However the alien ships possessed an agility that the huge lumbering carrier could not hope to match. As the E.D.F ship gradually began to turn, the ruined frontal section was clear to see. Flames continued to burst out into space, as the fires on board fed off the oxygen venting out. And the twisted wreckage of half a dozen decks could be seen jutting out of the carriers’ external[FONT=&quot] armour[/FONT][FONT=&quot] like shattered bones poking through flesh. [/FONT][/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] However the carrier did manage to turn somewhat, and its primary inter-system boosters began to glow as they slowly began to power up. However two of the alien crafts swung around and launched multiple bolts of bright white light at the carrier, the bolts hurtled toward the carrier at an incredible speed, and smashed into the partly powered up boosters. Tearing through[FONT=&quot] armour[/FONT][FONT=&quot], and shredding the main engines entirely. [/FONT][/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The massive impacts shook the entire E.D.F ship. All along the rear of the carrier pieces of twisted, blasted, hull plating were simply torn off the ship by the force of those energy bolts. Replaced instead by more fires and twisted wreckage.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] The stricken carrier was still making a brave effort to escape its assailants. However in the end the carrier was simply too large and too slow, and eventually, like a pack of hungry wolves, the alien ships where upon the E.D.F vessel. Their green energy beams slicing the carrier apart, until ultimately its inter-system fuel supplies detonated, and the carrier tore itself apart with an almighty explosion. And then the video went blank.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] All this footage had happened within the space of a few minutes. The hall was totally silent. The crew of the Ulysses where stunned by what they had just witnessed, not believing what they had just seen.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Michael was equally stunned, especially since his cousin served aboard that ship. A pang of grief welled up inside him. Captain Wainright looked over the assembled crew, seeing the shocked faces, and gave them a few seconds to let what they had witnessed sink in.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] Slowly almost whispering; he spoke. “Make no mistake gentlemen; we have hereby made contact with our first alien species, E.D.F intelligence services are trying to translate the alien messages as we speak. However; judging by what we’ve all just witnessed, we can assume they are a hostile species, and represent an immediate threat to E.O.C.A citizens. I will now hand you over to [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Lieutenant Commander Hudson.”[/FONT]

 

[chrispenycate]

thanks end is nigh, now for the second post i promised. this is taken from the point of view of a briefing being held onboard the Ulysses. And details the first major attack upon an E.D.F Naval vessel by as yet unknown forces.

[FONT=&quot]He met up with Dylan again just as he was heading around a corridor

heading around a corridor?

, and asked. “Have you heard anything yet?”
Dylan shook his head. “No, not a thing,

Full stop

whatever has happened, they are keeping very tight lipped about it.”

Soon they entered deck 14, and walked past a small metal sign that read

perhaps quotes round "cargo hold"

cargo hold. The two of them walked through a large open set of heavy looking steel doors, and into a vast hall.

Inside

comma

a small platform had been prepared, with a large portable viewer behind it. There where

were

rows upon rows of seats, all neatly arranged in front of the platform. The spot lights in the ceiling were angled toward the platform

comma

bathing it in a soft glow, as well as the rows of seats, and cast the large storage racks looming on the periphery of the room into darkness.

Some crewmembers had already filtered in, and several of the front rows where

were

already full.

Michael and Dylan walked somewhere in the middle;

just comma, not semicolon

sat down and waited for the briefing to begin.
Another Officer, whom the two of them didn’t know, walked onto the stage, carrying a polished wooden lectern, and placed it in the middle of the platform. He then proceeded to attach a small microphone onto this lectern. The shriek of the distortion

We call it "feedback". It might well be distorted, but it's not distortion as such

as the officer turned the microphone on made everyone in the vast hall cringe.

On the stand of this lectern, there was a plaque, which bore the seal of the E.D.F Navy; an eagle, inside a planet, and surrounded by a wreath.

Slowly the room began to fill up,

full stop

when everyone was inside the hall, another officer at the rear of the hall pressed a button and the giant steel doors slowly closed, with a customary gentle metallic grinding noise.

There was a small pause, and hushed whispering voices could be heard, as the crew tried in vain to deduce what the briefing was about. A Naval whistle cut through the air, and

commas round "as one"

as one the entire crew stood to attention.

“Captain on deck!” An officer shouted to the side of the main body of men.

Captain Wainwright, the grizzled, experienced commanding officer of the E.D.F.S Ulysses, strode confidently onto the platform, carrying a black leather bound book. It was again depicting the symbol of the E.D.F Navy.

“Gentlemen, please be seated.” The softly spoken Captain announced.

Although Michael had never actually spoke

spoken

to Wainwright himself, he knew from what others had said that the good Captain was one of the best in the fleet, and that this was his second command,

full stop

rumours where

were – but more probably "had been

also circulating recently among the lower ranks that he was also considering his retirement after commanding the Ulysses for nearly nine years.

The men all sat down at once.

“What you are about to hear is highly classified information, it does not leave this ship. Exactly the same briefings are being held throughout the fleet. Do you understand?”

The crowd shouted in unison. “Yes sir!”

“Good, then the briefing can begin.” The Captain replied.

“As of 09:00 hours, the carrier E.D.F.S Montfort, which you may know if you read the news, was stationed near the Agemman system.

that is not a sentence. However, it is dialogue, and perhaps you are making the point that the captain is not a great speaker. If so, please ignore any comments I make.

The ship was attacked by an unknown alien force and destroyed with all hands;

just comma

resulting in the deaths of 740 men and women.”

The crowd let out an involuntary gasp at the seriousness of the information. “I knew it.” Dylan whispered to himself.

“All the information we have,

no comma

is contained in this communication, sent by the Commanding Officer of the Montfort, Captain Reynolds before he died.” The Captain motioned to another officer at the rear of the room, and a projection was played. It contained sensor data from the Montfort, as well as an onboard video of the bridge crew. Three small black and silver coloured vessels,

no comma, and "were"

where slowly advancing toward the carrier. The first communication came from the Montfort.

“Unknown vessels, this is Captain Reynolds of the E.D.F.S Montfort,

semicolon

you are in violation of E.O.C.A territory. Please identify yourselves, we mean you no harm, repeat, we mean you no harm.”

Next there came a communication from the alien vessels.
“On mulv varash a’lahun, al orash vak kroluth.”

Another bridge officer, this time a female said. “Our translators are completely baffled sir.”
“Try your best

comma

Lieutenant.” Captain Reynolds replied, as he quickly turned in his seat and said to another officer. “Send out the universal greeting, all frequencies.”

“Yes sir.”

comma instead of full stop and lower case "a"

A young officer replied.

Then there came another communication, over the speakers.

“On vak drovath lok al Krenarii

A man turned bearing a Commanders

Commander's

rank insignia. “I don’t like the sound of that

comma

Captain; recommend we go to general quarter’s

quarters; no apostrophe

sir.”
“Do it, but don’t power the weapons, we don’t want to appear threatening.” Reynolds

lower case "r"

Replied.

There was a small

comma

tense pause on the bridge of the carrier, as the alien vessels continued to close with the E.D.F vessel. Reynolds focused upon the viewer.

“Back us off

comma

ensign, put some distance between us and them. Reverse thrust, 20% power.

comma rather than full stop

” Reynolds ordered, stroking his chin thoughtfully.

The twin forward thrusters blew, the super heated gases,

no comma

slowly began to overcome the weight of the vessel, and it gingerly began to reverse.

Then a third communication came over the speakers. “Al Krenarii mulv brolis, al orash vak kroluth!”

lower case "c"

Came the screaming voice.]

“Holy, wait a minute

comma

captain, I’m reading massive power spikes coming from those ships sir!” A panicked voice announced.

Reynolds turned toward the officer. “What.

question mark

What kind of power spikes?”

“Unknown

comma

Captain, but they’re off the scale.”

comma and lower case "t"

The Officer replied.
Reynolds shouted. “Full alert status, get those fighters back here right now!”

lower case "t"

The Commander announced in sheer terror. “Too late Captain, look!”

Reynolds turned back to the viewer, just in time to see a bright green glow steadily growing brighter, at the lower beam of each of the alien vessels quickly rising in brightness.

um, what lower beam?

“Oh my god, lord save us!” Reynolds said as he realized his fate.

The three Alien vessels then unleashed the built up power into three bright green energy beams, which hurtled towards the Montfort with incredible speed.

If they are energy beams they travel at light speed, or extremely close to it. This is not incredible, and means that the information the weapons have been fired can not arrive appreciably before the effect.

The beams smashed into the forward section of the Montfort, almost tearing a hole right through the sloping forward section of the carrier, sending debris and flames blossoming out into space.

flames are an atmosphere based phenomenon. There again, there might be enough air leaking out to make a temporary atmosphere.

The bridge was a scene of utter desolation; bodies

comma

horribly mutilated

comma

lay fallen, mixed with the broken remains of consoles and shattered support girders. Acrid smoke filled the air, and flames licked out of half a dozen smashed consoles.

Reynolds quickly came to;

no semicolon

after he was almost launched from his chair. Blood trickling down the side of his face from a gash caused by a piece of flying debris. The broken body of his navigation officer lay motionless at the base of his chair.

Over the roar of flames, and the crackling of broken power conduits Reynolds shouted “Full reverse, get us the hell out of here!”[

Another officer groggily tried to pick his way through the debris littering the bridge floor, and sat at the former navigation officers’

probably "officer's"

console.

One of the still functioning thrusters fired for all it was worth.

no full stop

As the interim navigation officer shunted every last ounce of power remaining. The Montfort desperately tried to turn away from the small nimble alien craft that it dwarfed.

However the alien ships possessed an agility that the huge lumbering carrier could not hope to match. As the E.D.F ship gradually began to turn, the ruined frontal section was clear to see. Flames continued to burst out into space, as the fires on board fed off the oxygen venting out. And the twisted wreckage of half a dozen decks could be seen jutting out of the carriers’ external

"external" what? Skin, hull, just exterior?

like shattered bones poking through flesh.

However

comma

the carrier did manage to turn somewhat, and its primary inter-system boosters began to glow as they slowly began to power up. However

two successive sentences starting with "However"

two of the alien crafts

plural of "craft" when it's a vessel is "craft"

swung around and launched multiple bolts of bright white light at the carrier,

full stop

the bolts hurtled toward the carrier at an incredible speed, and smashed into the partly powered up boosters.

no full stop

Tearing through armour, and shredding the main engines entirely.

The massive impacts shook the entire E.D.F ship. All along the rear of the carrier pieces of twisted, blasted, hull plating were simply torn off the ship by the force of those energy bolts. Replaced instead

do you need that "instead"?

by more fires and twisted wreckage.

The stricken carrier was still making a brave effort to escape its assailants. However

comma

in the end

comma

the carrier was simply too large and too slow, and eventually, like a pack of hungry wolves, the alien ships where

were

upon the E.D.F vessel. Their green energy beams slicing

sliced

the carrier apart, until ultimately its inter-system fuel supplies detonated, and the carrier tore itself apart with an almighty explosion. And then the video went blank.

All this footage had happened within the space of a few minutes. The hall was totally silent. The crew of the Ulysses where

were

stunned by what they had just witnessed, not believing what they had just seen.
Michael was equally stunned,

was he not a member of the crew?

especially since his cousin

had

served aboard that ship. A pang of grief welled up inside him. Captain Wainright looked over the assembled crew, seeing the shocked faces, and gave them a few seconds to let what they had witnessed sink in.

Slowly

comma

almost whispering;

no semicolon

he spoke. “Make no mistake gentlemen; we have hereby made contact with our first alien species,

full stop

E.D.F intelligence services are trying to translate the alien messages as we speak. However;

just comma

judging by what we’ve all just witnessed, we can assume they are a hostile species, and represent an immediate threat to E.O.C.A citizens. I will now hand you over to Lieutenant Commander Hudson.”

[/FONT]

The past tense plural of the verb "to be" is "WERE"! Where is an interrogative of place

 

[Vargev]

Thanks for waving your usual magic chris, sorry about that, i am gradually going through an replacing my weres and wheres. and to my credit i'm actually getting it right. long may it continue. he he.

When i put lower beam, i meant the lower beam on the ship, as in the front. perhaps stern is a better word to use.


Flames continued to burst out into space, as the fires on board fed off the oxygen venting out. And the twisted wreckage of half a dozen decks could be seen jutting out of the carriers’ external armour like shattered bones poking through flesh.

This should have copied over.....strange.