The Quintessence Machine

[Blackrook]

Well, it seems to me that if the assassin is giving a benediction he must be a priest. If he's a priest, he would never murder a man without giving him forgiveness for his mortal sins. It's one thing to take a man's life, but it's much worse to condemn his soul to hell. A priest, even a bad priest, would not do that.

So if your assassin is a priest, he should take a confession or give an absolution before his victim dies.

 

[C Michael MacAlister]

You're all right

The assassin is a priest. As for the absolution... well, he sort of has a "proactive absolution" in place (a fairly common abuse at the time). Any more than that would be revealing too much

Oh, and the main character's autistic.

I realized that the tone of my last post might have been a bit flippant, so I wish to correct any misunderstanding or offense here. When I first realized my main character was autistic (and it was a realization, it seems to me now), I immediately stopped writing and considered very deeply whether I wanted (or indeed was able) to do such a thing. I researched autism deeply, and spoke to several high-functioning autistic adults I know personally and online. They explained what it was like to be autistic, and generally signed off on both my concept and, in many cases, on the passages of the book that deal with the character.

Just to clarify; this is not a hatchet-job "Rain Man" style autistic savant. I hope that I have actually managed to convey, in a small way, what it is like to be an autistic man, coupled with 16th century prejudices and ignorance about the condition.

Just FYI. OK, preachy/apologist part over. Normal service will resume.

 

[C Michael MacAlister]

If he's a priest, he would never murder a man without giving him forgiveness for his mortal sins. It's one thing to take a man's life, but it's much worse to condemn his soul to hell....
< snip >

So if your assassin is a priest, he should take a confession or give an absolution before his victim dies.

Most of the passage is from Galdini's perspective; I kind of assume that the assassin grants a silent absolution without Galdini's knowledge before the act of murder.

 

[weirdside]

I thought this snippet was quite entertaining. I do wish you'd make the machine a bit more mysterious though. All I get is that it's complex. The style is good and the subtle use of Italian words really lends to the atmosphere. Good luck getting it published.

 

[C Michael MacAlister]

I thought this snippet was quite entertaining. I do wish you'd make the machine a bit more mysterious though. All I get is that it's complex. The style is good and the subtle use of Italian words really lends to the atmosphere. Good luck getting it published.

Thanks for the props... I think I'm going to need all the luck I can get!

As for the machine... Hint: This may not be the one in the title...

 

[C Michael MacAlister]

Thanks, every, for all the great replies, help and critique; I am honeslty humbled and emboldened by your kindness.

If anyone is interested in reading more, I am attaching the first three chapters of the novel to this post; again, any feedback/critique/harsh judgement is more than welcome!

Once more, thanks so much for all your comments, and I look forward to more!

 

[C Michael MacAlister]

Hi all; I don't mean to bump this thread (it can be a pretty selfish practice!) but I was wondering if there was any feedback on the first three chapters? It has been viewed a little, and I decided to wait and see. If no-one has anything to add, that's fine, too!

Thanks again for all the feedback I've already got; I'm still waiting to hear from agents and publishers alike (one agent with the full, three publishers with partials...) so fingers crossed and in the meantime I'll blog updates on Sinterglass Road.

Quick poll re: SR (and I know this is not the perfect venue, but I'll ask anyway). Would you like updates of some text? I can blog and add to the Critiques thread as well...

 

[Lacedaemonian]

I enjoyed the prologue and have literally just downloaded the chapters. I try not to be overly critical and I usually just offer feedback on whether or not the prose was comfortable to read and on the story itself. If a story is boring, or if the prose is dull and jars then you might as well give in now. I always believe that technique and errors can be cleaned up at a later date by proof readers etc etc. Theresa, Chris and one or two others often provide excellent feedback on technique - I on the other hand am too lazy and selfish.

If I aint posted up some feedback in the next few days, feel free to pm a reminder to me. I am often so busy thinking about myself and forget about others. I expect to be impressed after reading the prologue.

 

[C Michael MacAlister]

@Lacedaemonian: Thanks so much; don't worry, I understand about feedback, and certainly don't consider it "selfish" to want to work on one's own projects and technique. Besides, unlike many artistic endeavours, technique in writing should be relatively easy to see; pointers ("have you thought about this?"; "try looking at it from this perspective") are helpful, but often a request for assistance can basically read as "please rewrite this for me so it reads good". Not that I would accuse anyone on these forums of that; I have come across others like that in some places and workshops I have attended (one of the reasons I stopped attending, to be honest!)

I hope my own requests for help along thses lines have not crossed that line!

I expect to be impressed after reading the prologue.

It's a lot to live up to; I hope I can do so. Look forward to hearing back!

Humbly,

Callum

 

[Lacedaemonian]

I do not really have any projects. I am too lazy. All of my projects gather 'digital dust' and 'javascripted cobwebs'.

I am a sucker for the alternate history/universe, so I anticipate joy.

::Lacedaemonian steps into the wardrobe.....

 

[zachariah]

Just finished the 3 chapters. Time, the length of the piece and my innate laziness rule out a full crit, but I'll say one thing - I'm not surprised the full word count is 280k. The first chapter takes two thousand words to show our hero wake up and have breakfast. The next two chapters are talking heads discussing matters of state.

Now, don't take this the wrong way, C - the writing is impeccable throughout, the world-building impressive and the atmosphere you have created is a beauty to behold. I'd be glad to read the whole thing. It's a very mannered, genteel piece of work (so far) that reflects the age in which it's set. In tone, it's quite similar to Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell which I enjoyed (though I thought that was way too long as well, and it definitely dragged in several places).

There are ample ways in which you could cut down or show elsewhere the things covered in these first three chapters. In terms of basic plot so far, it could be covered in a few sentences. But not without compromising fundamental aspects that make your work yours. You have chosen the hard way, laying out a richly textured world that demands the level of verbosity that pads a book out to 280k. I agree with your position - you can't cut it down without making a different book entirely. I hope you don't have to do this.

I wish you good luck in finding a publisher.

 

[C Michael MacAlister]

I do not really have any projects. I am too lazy. All of my projects gather 'digital dust' and 'javascripted cobwebs'.

I am a sucker for the alternate history/universe, so I anticipate joy.

::Lacedaemonian steps into the wardrobe.....

LOL! Thanks for your honesty, which I look forward to

@Zachariah: thank you so very much for your critique; I honestly don't take any criticism the wrong way, and this was exactly the sort of thing I had hoped for. And, indeed, you're right; I spend a long time building things up, a long time (probably too long) setting the scene. I suppose it's a weakness of mine

I do think Phelippes is a somewhat special case, considering his condition, and the slow, deliberate way he approaches everything is actually part of the story and plays into every major event in the text (I don't want to sound like I'm being defensive here, or to imply that you "missed" anything in your obviously detailed and considered reading). The affairs of state later on are the backbone of the story, and I try to avoid "info dumping" by making it a more naturalistic part of the dialogue and situation.

However, you are certainly right; there are changes I could make to lighten the load early on, and I will think about that a great deal in the weeks ahead...

And thank you so very much for your kind words regarding writing and atmosphere; even taking your other, entirely valid points to heart, it is that response that makes it all worthwhile.

Thanks, and to anyone else, keep 'em coming!

 

[HareBrain]

Hi Callum

I'm going to disagree with Zachariah about the three chapters, I'm afraid. I do think there are too many words, and I don't think it would lose anything for you to force every word to justify its place. But that's just my opinion, and you might quite validly decide otherwise.

Take this para from chapter 2:

Walsingham looked blank for a moment, as if whatever he had wished to discuss with Francis had momentarily slipped his mind. Francis was not fooled; the man never forgot a single fact, but often played the fool to entice others to make some error and give away some information that might be pertinent. Francis had long ago discovered the best stratagem for dealing with this was to simply keep his silence and wait for Walsingham to speak again.

Does it lose anything if reduced to this?

Walsingham looked blank. Francis was not fooled; the man never forgot a single fact, but often played the fool to entice others to make some error. Francis had long ago discovered the best stratagem for dealing with this was to simply keep his silence, and wait.

This might be an extreme example, but I felt a general unease throughout the piece that it could do with being judiciously pruned. But the characters and setting intrigue me - which is a hundred times better than having a tightly written piece with nothing to say!

 

[C Michael MacAlister]

@HareBrain: Thanks for your valuable insight! This is just the sort of thing I was hoping for (not to denigrate any other comments here, though!) - substantial and helpful. I have to say I don't think your example was the least extreme; it does point to something that I, too, was a little uneasy about, although was somewhat at a loss to deal with.

Let me explain without, I hope, sounding too defensive; when I started writing this, it became apparent that my voice in this novel was a sort of emulation of a late 16th Century writer, with all the florid language one might find there. While this suited my purposes, I must admit that I feel I probably got somewhat carried away with it! I tried to balance how I write, with as much of my style going to period and feel and emotion as to explaining and describing the action and character, and this piece did come along very well (the final version presented here only took about 8 months to write, with the first, insanely long, draft coming in after 5 months).

So; you have definitely given me food for thought. I will think about this more while working on my newest novel, and (if I cannot find a home for The Quintessence Machine before then) I will look to prune it harshly, while hoping to retain its flavour.

But the characters and setting intrigue me - which is a hundred times better than having a tightly written piece with nothing to say!

And for this, I thank you!

 

[ctg]

[FONT=&quot]I hope I'm not stepping on toes of your many fans, but my eyes are seeing inconsistencies in some places and thightening in others.

“Aye, sir,” he replied softly, shifting his attention back to the machina that glowed in the hissing

[/FONT]

alchemic lanterns that illuminated the workshop

I don't know if you have read my other critiques, but if you have, you might have noticed that I try to advocate minimalism. To only tell, what is important for the story. If you look this sentence in your prologue, you'll notice that ending could be more thight. It could be rewritten in this way:

hissing lanterns illuminating the workshop.

The reason why I removed alchemist is that I cannot picture one. You get the picture of his workplace very well, but there are things that just doesn't bring a specific picture. So if you can, and want to, then please go over your work and watch places where you could do the same.

trade routes that had brought new alloys and new money flooding into the Italian States from France and Germany and the Holy Roman Empire.

What is the difference between Germany and Holy Roman Empire and are you sure you want to use France in here?

The case was around eighteen inches square, and perhaps twelve inches in height, fitted

You give use very clear picture of the device, but then you use word perhaps ... why? Are you unsure or was it a slip of a tongue?

Walsingham had explained that if anyone attempted to force this lock with an untreated key or pick, it would release a foul, poisonous vapor, sufficient to dissuade any would-be thief, rendering them insensible. Thomas felt a degree of relief that he was so well-protected, but a deal of trepidation at such a dangerous device, too.

Here is a one of those passages that HB describes. You go on, like with grocery delivery to a rant that at the end feels a bit over streched. But look especially at the last sentence, and you should see that you're describing the feeling happening in present action, when this cleary should've been done in past. Personally, I would have edited some of these details to get on with the point.

You could of course take this as flintlocks-on-the-mantelpiece kind of thing. Meaning that if you describe something like a pair of flintlocks, then at some point in near future you're going to use it in the prose. If not, then it should be removed.

After a moment, he ignited the alchemic lantern, waiting for its bright yellow glow to fill the cramped space. It was cold still, and his breath steamed before him; the glittering snow, undisturbed where it had fallen, caught his eye and it took a force of will to tear his gaze from it before he became entranced by its subtle dance.

Some of the ideas you convey to the reader can be taken as granted. You start with igniting the lantern and then you swiftly move describing the what's at the outside. Could you rewrite some of this because we could be getting the idea without you overextending it?


I started drifting in your second chapter or what I would call as you thrid. Don't know was it the reason because I'm feeling tired, but I felt some of this knowledge you're pouring to us readers could be moved a side. Edit it to tighten the pacing. You should be moving swiftly forward, not calming down.

“Five tercios stand ready at Bruges, I believe.” Urbani sounded vaguely noncommittal, and Philip turned to face him. The Duque di Parma had been resistant to Philip’s instruction that fifteen tercios - some forty-five thousand men - be made ready to meet the Spanish Fleet at Dunkirk by July, asserting that a force of only thirty-thousand would be more than sufficient for the proposed invasion of England. It had been a source of some contention between them, and Urbani had finally pressed the case that Vox Dei’s analysis of the required forces was absolute. Ultimately, Philip had been forced to overrule his trusted commander and nephew, much to the Duque’s chagrin.

Although very interesting, I get the feeling that the omniscient narrative is becoming a bit too omniscient. When you look the highlighted sentence, you should notice that some of this is an info dump. If you want to keep this sort of stuff, then rewrite it so that it's coming from POV head, not from narrator. In that way you lessen the info-dump.

The doubts remained however; forty-five thousand men was by no means a small undertaking, and the fleet had had to be substantially reconfigured and re-fitted for the task of transporting and supplying such an increase.

When you repeat the numbers, and after short while, you could get away by using his personal thoughts.

The doubts remained however; the number were on their side, but there was still so many little details that they were creating a shadow over the plan.

It's an intriguing tale straight out from the archives of the black vaults. You do well with it, but you could be doing better on not over describing details. Trust that you story has it own wings. Your writing in strong, but I'm certain you can make better.

 

[HareBrain]

when I started writing this, it became apparent that my voice in this novel was a sort of emulation of a late 16th Century writer, with all the florid language one might find there. While this suited my purposes, I must admit that I feel I probably got somewhat carried away with it!

I know what you mean - the couple of times I've written something set in a historical period, I've got carried away with the language and had to be pulled back on it. Have you read anything set in the 16th century, by a good recent writer? It's been a long time since I read it, but you might want to try The House of Doctor Dee by Peter Ackroyd - though that's first-person.

 

[C Michael MacAlister]

@ctg: Thanks for your detailed critique! Again, you're right - much of this does appear over-written now that I get fresh perspective on it.

If I might address a few points (not in defense, but perhaps to clarify).

Quote:
trade routes that had brought new alloys and new money flooding into the Italian States from France and Germany and the Holy Roman Empire.
What is the difference between Germany and Holy Roman Empire and are you sure you want to use France in here?

Germany and the Holy Roman Empire were somewhat distinct at the time (although not completely separate entities), with all the religious schisms that existed elsewhere in Europe. I touch on this later in the book, when the main characters travel through that region. As for France... I don't see a problem with it. It was a (mainly) Catholic nation, and a fairly rich one at the time.

Quote:
The case was around eighteen inches square, and perhaps twelve inches in height, fitted
You give use very clear picture of the device, but then you use word perhaps ... why? Are you unsure or was it a slip of a tongue?

In this case, "perhaps" in the sense of "almost" or "nearly". Although, again, it's probably superfluous.

Your other points are well made and interesting food for thought; as with the previous ones, I shall consider them carefully if I need a rewrite (and I almost certainly will!)

Again, thanks for the fine critique, and I certainly hope I don't sound too defensive!

 

[C Michael MacAlister]

I know what you mean - the couple of times I've written something set in a historical period, I've got carried away with the language and had to be pulled back on it. Have you read anything set in the 16th century, by a good recent writer? It's been a long time since I read it, but you might want to try The House of Doctor Dee by Peter Ackroyd - though that's first-person.

I will see if I can track it down, HB! And as for being 'pulled back' ... everyone's helping me with that so much! Thanks to all (I honestly mean it)