The Quest of the Lost King

[Menion]

That isnt going to be the name but i cant think of a good one...
Ok bear with me (coz i havnt found a way to spellcheck it and ive been in saoin for the last 9 years so im not very good at english anymore) Ok Scratch that I allready have please just read it and tell me what you think, any kind of critisisme wanted if you want to say "its crap, your crap go comit suacide" i dont mind

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Darkness darkness is all he saw, "wha..." is all he could say a searing pain in his jaw stopped him from saying anything. A faint sound came from somewhere "The Captains down", sounds of battle were everywhere.
The last thing he could remember was...​

------------------​

It was nearing midnight and the clouds hid the moon, there was battle everywhere around StoneThorn castle. He saw Folmur scream a battle cry and charge into the coming horsemen with the remaining pike men. and heard a shout "TO THE KING" , parrying a blow from an enemy swordsmen he sent a counter blow to the swordsmen unarmored armpit, he risked a glance to the castle courtyard and saw the shining armor of the king in the middle of a small group of defenders surrounded by foes, signaling to Commander Elros the leader of the Rangers, he pointed to the courtyard Elros nodded in confirmation that he understood and rallied the last of his Rangers and set off to the King.
He set of himself down the steps on the side of the battlements fighting all the way down, than to his dismay he saw a Shadow Knight walking up the steps in front of him ignoring the fights that where going on around him, nobody has survived a dual with a Shadow Knight for over 500 years, Getting a better grip on his sword he pulled out a knife to use in his left hand, praying to his fathers spirit to grant him the courage he needs he walked down the steps till he was in front of the Knight, he saw as the Knight lifted his left arm to his back and pulled out a Morning Star the size of a child and drew a longsword from his hip with the other.
"You have no chance mortal" it said in a whisper like voice​

"Aye I may not have a chance but ill give it me best shot Mister Shadow Knight" He Said in a confident voice​

"Aaaah you must be Captain Tainen The coward of Alkten Field" it chuckled​

"Enough talk lets get this over with...ARGH!" he finished with a scream, he fell to his knees looking down he saw an arrow sticking out of his thigh
"Pathetic" whispered the Knight and rammed his sword as far as he could into Tainens helmet and kicked him off the wall too plummet too the courtyard.
Out of no where a Horn sounded calling for a retreat, and like water the invading army poured out of StoneThorn Castle.​

------------------------------​

Folmur looked around the battle field counting the dead when he heard somebody calling him
"FOLMUR FOLMUR they have the king they've taken him there was nothing i could do" Shouted Elros quickly​

"What the kin... but what about the royal guard they would never allow that to happen, they would fight to the last man for him" stammered Folmur​

"There all dead every single one of them..."​

"But that's impossible there to finest fighting force this side of the sea"​

"It was the Shadow Knights they came out of nowhere i lost nearly all of my men in a few heartbeats, the rest of us had to fall back"​

"We must rally the men and get him back" announced Folmur "wheres Tainen?"​

"I..I..dont know the last time i saw him he was making his way down the steps over there" Elros pointed to the Courtyard wall where the worst of the battle was​

Folmur set of at a run asking everybody he saw on the way "wheres Tainen?" "have you seen the Captain?"
Than he saw in a crumpled heap at the bottom of the steps a body with dented armor and a ripped blue cape, Tainen, Letting out a howl of anguish he charged the rest of the way...​

--------------------------------​

He tried to move his arms but it felt like there was a mountain on top of him, he tried to talk but he couldn't move his jaw he only felt pain, than he heard​

"Blimey is he dead"
"of course hes dead you fool hes got a great big sword sticking out his helmet"​

"Out of my way" a familiar voice said he heard a sob of anguish and heard "I'm sorry Kainan old friend Ive failed you, I should never have left him by himself in the battle" ​

"Folmur that's a Shadow Knights sword he must have tried to stand against one" ​

He tried to move his arms again and let out a moan of pain​

"Wait hes alive he said something, quick try and take out the sword its lodged in his jaw i think" announced Elros excitedly​

Folmur got hold of the sword and pulled it out to a scream of pain and a shower of blood from Tainen, Folmur took of the helmet and let it drop at the sight of his young friends face underneath,
He had a slash vertical from his chin to his nose over his mouth and another from his hairline to his jaw from where the helmet dug into his skin on impact with the floor from his fall.
Tainen did a slight smile up at them and spat out a tooth and said
"I tried my best Uncle Folmur i did"
"hush Laddie and lets get you to a surgeon"
Tainen felt himself get lifted and went unconscious.​

--------------------------
End...for know....

People probebly dont like the whole sword in jaw thing but... i like it
Now please Comment

 

[Menion]

OK ill give you a bit of a review, its set in a Medevil like fantasy world, The world will get explained later this is just the starting bit, because i don't like slow starts in books.

The whole thing will be about a Seer the first seer in over 1000 years to make a prophecy and the people mentioned in the (above) story will be part of it.

The characters will also be explained in more depth.​

 

[chrispenycate]

That isnt going to be the name but i cant think of a good one...
Ok, bear with me (coz I haven't found a way to spellcheck it and I've been in spain for the last 9 years so I'm not very good at english anymore) Ok

comma

Scratch that

semicolon

I already have

Full stop

please just read it and tell me what you think, any kind of criticism wanted

Full stop

if you want to say "It's crap, you're crap, go commit suicide" I don't mind

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Darkness​

comma

darkness is

was

all he saw,

Either a semicolon, or remove the "is" (and if you use the semicolon, the "is" should be "was" {past tense})

"wha..." is all he could say

Full stop

a searing pain in his jaw stopped him from saying anything. A faint sound came from somewhere "The Captains

Captain's

down",

Full stop

sounds of battle were everywhere.
The last thing he could remember was...

------------------

It was nearing midnight and the clouds hid the moon,

sentence break

there was battle everywhere around StoneThorn castle. He saw Folmur scream a battle cry and charge into the coming horsemen with the remaining pike men.

no full stop

and heard a shout "TO THE KING"

full stop

, parrying a blow from an enemy swordsmen

swordsman

he sent a counter blow to the swordsmen

swordsman's; but the repetition of the word is inadvisable. A synonym?

unarmored armpit,

full stop

he risked a glance to the castle courtyard and saw the shining armor of the king in the middle of a small group of defenders surrounded by foes,

Full stop

signaling to Commander Elros the leader of the Rangers, he pointed to the courtyard

semicolon

Elros nodded in confirmation that he understood and rallied the last of his Rangers and set off to the King.
He set of

off

himself down the steps on the side of the battlements

comma

fighting all the way down, than

then, comma

to his dismay

comma

he saw a Shadow Knight walking up the steps in front of him

Full stop

ignoring the fights that where

were

going on around him,

probably a dash; perhaps open brackets (parentheses)

nobody has survived a dual with a Shadow Knight for over 500 years,

Another dash or close brackets, and no capital "getting"

Getting a better grip on his sword he pulled out a knife to use in his left hand,

Full stop

praying to his fathers spirit to grant him the courage he needs

needed

he walked down the steps till he was in front of the Knight,

Full stop

he saw as the Knight lifted his left arm to his back and pulled out a Morning Star the size of a child and drew a longsword from his hip with the other.
"You have no chance

comma

mortal" it said in a whisper

hyphen?

like voice

"Aye

comma

I may not have a chance

comma

but ill

I'll

give it me best shot

comma

Mister Shadow Knight

comma

"

no capitals on "he said"

He Said in a confident voice

full stop

"Aaaah

comma

you must be Captain Tainen

comma

The coward of Alkten Field

comma

" it chuckled

full stop

"Enough talk

comma, let's

lets get this over with...ARGH!" he finished with a scream,

full stop

he fell to his knees

full stop

looking down he saw an arrow sticking out of his thigh

full stop

"Pathetic" whispered the Knight and rammed his sword as far as he could into Tainens

Tainen's

helmet and kicked him off the wall too

to

plummet too

to

the courtyard.

Out of no where

nowhere

a Horn sounded

comma

calling for a retreat, and like water the invading army poured out of StoneThorn Castle.

------------------------------

Folmur looked around the battle field counting the dead when he heard somebody calling him
"FOLMUR FOLMUR they have the king

full stop

they've taken him

full stop

there was nothing i

I

could do

comma, no capital "s"

" Shouted Elros quickly

full stop

"What the kin... but what about the royal guard

Question mark

they would never allow that to happen,

semicolon

they would fight to the last man for him

comma

" stammered Folmur

"There

They're

all dead

comma

every single one of them..."

"But that's impossible

semicolon, and "they're the"

there to finest fighting force this side of the sea"

"It was the Shadow Knights

full stop

they came out of nowhere

full stop

i lost nearly all of my men in a few heartbeats,

semicolon

the rest of us had to fall back"

"We must rally the men and get him back

comma

" announced Folmur

full stop

"wheres

Where's

Tainen?"

"I..I..dont know

Full stop

the last time i

I

saw him he was making his way down the steps over there

full stop

" Elros pointed to the Courtyard wall where the worst of the battle was

Full stop, and perhaps "had been"

Folmur set of

off

at a run

comma

asking everybody he saw on the way "wheres

Where's

Tainen?" "have

capital "Have"

you seen the Captain?"

Than he saw in a crumpled heap at the bottom of the steps

semicolon

a body with dented armor and a ripped blue cape,

colon

Tainen,

full stop

Letting out a howl of anguish he charged the rest of the way...

--------------------------------

He tried to move his arms but it felt like there was a mountain on top of him,

Full stop

he tried to talk but he couldn't move his jaw

Full stop

he only felt pain, than

then

he heard
"Blimey

comma

is he dead

question mark

" "

capital "Of"

of course hes

he's

dead

comma

you fool hes

he's

got a great big sword sticking out his helmet

full stop

"

"Out of my way" a familiar voice said

Full stop

he heard a sob of anguish and heard "I'm sorry

comma

Kainan old friend Ive

I've

failed you,

full stop

I should never have left him by himself in the battle

Full stop

"

"Folmur that's a Shadow Knights

Knight's

sword

semicolon

he must have tried to stand against one"

He tried to move his arms again and let out a moan of pain

full stop

"Wait

comma, he's

hes alive

comma

he said something,

full stop

quick

comma

try and take out the sword

semicolon, "it's"

its lodged in his jaw

comma, "I"

i think" announced Elros excitedly

full stop

Folmur got hold of the sword and pulled it out

comma

to a scream of pain and a shower of blood from Tainen,

full stop

Folmur took of the helmet and let it drop at the sight of his young friends

friend's

face underneath,

full stop

He had a slash vertical

vertically

from his chin to his nose over his mouth and another from his hairline to his jaw from where the helmet

had

dug into his skin on impact with the floor from his fall.

clumsy sentence

Tainen did a slight smile up at them and

comma instead of the "and"

spat out a tooth and said
"I tried my best

comma

Uncle Folmur

comma, I did, full stop

i did"
"

capital "H", comma after "Hush" and "let's"

hush Laddie and lets get you to a surgeon"
Tainen felt himself get lifted and went unconscious.

--------------------------
End...for know

now

....

People probebly

probably don't

dont like the whole sword in jaw thing but... i like it

Now please Comment

 

[zachariah]

Hello Menion. Well done for putting your work up here for critique, and congratulations on starting the long and arduous process of putting together a novel.

You clearly understand the essentials - you have an action-packed beginning that sets up a larger plot, and you have given us a decent main character to follow and cheer for. Structurally, this opening has everything going for it.

But. There is a big but. Your grammar is terrible. It's like reading an eight-year-old's first try at writing on their own. No doubt this is because of your nine-year break from it being your native tongue, which is a good sign, because you can get over it with a little practise.

Until you get back to writing fluently, with proper attention to the basics of sentence structure, spelling, punctuation and so on, it might be counter-productive for you to post work for critique. Most posters here will be put off from making any comments and those that do will mostly spend their time pointing out grammatical errors, which should be taken care of by the author before posting.

Good luck, and keep writing!

 

[Menion]

Chirspenycate's comment :O how long did it take you to write that?
Thanks thou

Zachariah's comment - thanks for the feedback

You clearly understand the essentials - you have an action-packed beginning that sets up a larger plot, and you have given us a decent main character to follow and cheer for. Structurally, this opening has everything going for it.

Glad you like it, that's the problem with a lot of books i have read, they are just to slow.

But. There is a big but. Your grammar is terrible. It's like reading an eight-year-old's first try at writing on their own. No doubt this is because of your nine-year break from it being your native tongue, which is a good sign, because you can get over it with a little practise.

I am alot better than I was before that just shows how bad it was, i actually have been writing for a few years but all, and i mean ALL are @#%& .
This one is my first one that i thought was anygood.

Good luck, and keep writing!

I will.

 

[ctg]

I agree. I tried to be constructive and even rewrite some of the paragraphs for you, but I realised that you haven't given us enough of information. It's a good start, so don't think you're doing bad. You just need to work your English back in the shape it used to be. Don't give up. Write small stories till you have smoothed out the bumps.

 

[Menion]

Yes Mister Ctg Sir

 

[chrispenycate]

Chirspenycate's comment :O how long did it take you to write that?
Thanks thou

Da nada.
A lot less time than it once once would have. Practice makes, if not perfect, at least faster.

¿May I ask the significance of the green bits?

 

[Menion]

Oh thoose are the words that I spelt wrong, the spellchech did it and when I copy/paste it to here i didnt rewrite thoose words. ill fix it.

 

[Menion]

Here it is with all of Chrispy's help.


That isnt going to be the name but i cant think of a good one...
Ok bear with me (coz i havn't found a way to spellcheck it and ive been in spain for the last 9 years so i'm not very good at english anymore) Ok Scratch that, I already have please just read it and tell me what you think, any kind of critisisme wanted. if you want to say "it's crap, you're crap, go commit suicide" I don't mind

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Darkness, darkness was all he saw, "wha..." was all he could say. A searing pain in his jaw stopped him from saying anything. A faint sound came from somewhere "The Captain's down". Sounds of battle were everywhere.
The last thing he could remember was...
------------------
It was nearing midnight and the clouds hid the moon,
there was battle everywhere around StoneThorn castle. He saw Folmur scream a battle cry and charge into the coming horsemen with the remaining pike men and heard a shout "TO THE KING". parrying a blow from an enemy swordsman he sent a counter blow to the unarmored armpit. he risked a glance to the castle courtyard and saw the shining armor of the king in the middle of a small group of defenders surrounded by foes. signaling to Commander Elros the leader of the Rangers, he pointed to the courtyard Elros nodded in confirmation that he understood and rallied the last of his Rangers and set off to the King.
He set of himself down the steps on the side of the battlements, fighting all the way down, then, to his dismay, he saw a Shadow Knight walking up the steps in front of him. ignoring the fights that were going on around him, (nobody has survived a dual with a Shadow Knight for over 500 years), getting a better grip on his sword he pulled out a knife to use in his left hand. praying to his fathers spirit to grant him the courage he needed he walked down the steps till he was in front of the Knight. he saw as the Knight lifted his left arm to his back and pulled out a Morning Star the size of a child and drew a longsword from his hip with the other.
"You have no chance, mortal" it said in a whisper like voice

"Aye, I may not have a chance, but I'll give it me best shot, Mister Shadow Knight," he Said in a confident voice.

"Aaaah, you must be Captain Tainen, The coward of Alkten Field," it chuckled.

"Enough talk, let's get this over with...ARGH!" he finished with a scream. he fell to his knees. looking down he saw an arrow sticking out of his thigh.
"Pathetic" whispered the Knight and rammed his sword as far as he could into Tainen's helmet and kicked him off the wall to plummet to the courtyard.
Out of nowhere a Horn sounded, calling for a retreat, and like water the invading army poured out of StoneThorn Castle.
------------------------------
Folmur looked around the battle field counting the dead when he heard somebody calling him
"FOLMUR FOLMUR they have the king. they've taken him. there was nothing I could do," shouted Elros quickly.

"What the kin... but what about the royal guard? they would never allow that to happen, they would fight to the last man for him," stammered Folmur

"They're all dead, every single one of them..."

"But that's impossible they're the finest fighting force this side of the sea"

"It was the Shadow Knights. they came out of nowhere. I lost nearly all of my men in a few heartbeats, the rest of us had to fall back"

"We must rally the men and get him back," announced Folmur. "Where's Tainen?"

"I..I..dont know. the last time I saw him he was making his way down the steps over there." Elros pointed to the Courtyard wall where the worst of the battle had been.
Folmur set off at a run, asking everybody he saw on the way "where's Tainen?" "Have you seen the Captain?"
Than he saw in a crumpled heap at the bottom of the steps, a body with dented armor and a ripped blue cape, Tainen. Letting out a howl of anguish he charged the rest of the way...
--------------------------------
He tried to move his arms but it felt like there was a mountain on top of him. he tried to talk but he couldn't move his jaw. he only felt pain, then he heard
"Blimey, is he dead?"

"Of course he's dead, you fool he's got a great big sword sticking out his helmet."

"Out of my way" a familiar voice said. he heard a sob of anguish and heard "I'm sorry, Kainan old friend I've failed you. I should never have left him by himslef in the battle."
"Folmur that's a Shadow Knight's sword, he must have tried to stand against one"

He tried to move his arms again and let out a moan of pain.
"Wait, he's alive, he said something. quick, try and take out the sword, it's lodged in his jaw, I think" announced Elros excitedly.

Folmur got hold of the sword and pulled it out, to a scream of pain and a shower of blood from Tainen. Folmur took of the helmet and let it drop at the sight of his young friend's face underneath.
He had a slash vertically from his chin to his nose over his mouth and another from his hairline to his jaw from where the helmet had dug into his skin on impact with the floor from his fall.
Tainen grimiced up at them, spat out a tooth and said
"I tried my best, Uncle Folmur i did."

"Hush Laddie and let's get you to a surgeon"

Tainen felt himself get lifted and went unconcious.
--------------------------
End...for know....

People probably don't like the whole sword in jaw thing but... i like it

 

[Menion]

I'm going to rewrite the fight between Tainen and the Shadow Knight. Because I wanted to make it sound like Tainen is a coward, and I dont think shows to other people the way it does to me.
So tell me when you read this did you think Tainen was a Coward?

 

[chrispenycate]

No, he doesn't sound like a coward. Getting out his weapons and charging into combat with a foe no-one has beaten in living memory; within reliable records in all probability is not behaviour I associate with cowardice.

Where I said "full stop" it means a capital letter following it; that, thou knowest and had used in the original thread.

One or two I missed first time:

It was nearing midnight and the clouds hid the moon, there was battle everywhere around StoneThorn castle.

Needest thou the "the" in "the clouds"? Are they any particular clouds? And a semicolon rather than a comma.

He risked a glance to the castle courtyard and saw the shining armor of the king in the middle of a small group of defenders surrounded by foes.

comma after "defenders".

Signaling to Commander Elros the leader of the Rangers, he pointed to the courtyard Elros nodded in confirmation that he understood and rallied the last of his Rangers and set off to the King.

perhaps a comma after "Commander Elros", and a full stop after "courtyard".

praying to his fathers spirit to grant him the courage he needed he walked down the steps till he was in front of the Knight.

father's spirit (unless he had several of them)

he saw as the Knight lifted his left arm to his back and pulled out a Morning Star the size of a child and drew a longsword from his hip with the other.

do you need that "as"? And generally a morning star wouldn't get capitals.

"Of course he's dead, you fool he's got a great big sword sticking out his helmet."

comma after "fool"

I should never have left him by himslef in the battle."

himself

"Folmur that's a Shadow Knight's sword, he must have tried to stand against one"

Comma after "Folmur"

Folmur took of the helmet and let it drop at the sight of his young friend's face underneath.

took off the helmet

Tainen grimiced up at them, spat out a tooth and said "I tried my best, Uncle Folmur i did."

grimaced, a comma after "Folmur", and a capital "I" for "I did".

"Hush Laddie and let's get you to a surgeon"

Hush, Laddie, let's get you to a surgeon

Tainen felt himself get lifted and went unconcious.

possibly without the "get", and it's "unconscious"

End...for know....

for now.

 

[Menion]

I dont mean to be an idiot but whats a semicolon?

 

[chrispenycate]

I dont mean to be an idiot but whats a semicolon?

It's a ; - a : is a colon, full stop and comma you know, equally question mark, inverted commas are now known as quotation marks (apparently) … is an ellipsis, – a dash (and - a hyphen, if your keyboard can make the difference) and ' an apostrophe. I know what they all are in French, and none of them in Spanish (although I can find out, if it's important.)

A semicolon separates two complete sentences, but not as drastically as a full stop; it leaves a connection, or contrast, and can generally be replaced with a conjunction.

It is not a good idea to use two semicolons in the same sentence.

And why would not knowing something class you as an idiot? Not asking about something you don't know would give me a much lower opinion of your intelligence.

 

[Menion]

This is the new fight between Tainen and the Shadow Knight.

--------------
He set of himself down the steps on the side of the battlements, fighting all the way down, then, to his dismay, he saw a Shadow Knight walking up the steps in front of him.(nobody has survived a dual with a Shadow Knight for over 500 years), he looked behind for a way to escape, but saw that he was cut off and there was no hope of escaping, he looked down the side of the steps but it was a 40 foot drop.
He looked back at the Knight and saw that it was cleaving a path through foes and allies with a morning star in one hand and a longsword in the other; He swore under his breath and reached down to get a discarded sword, now with two weapons he might just stand a chance.
Praying to his father's spirit to grant him the courage he needed.
"You have no chance, mortal" it said in a whisper like voice "I can smell your fear"

"Aye, I may not have a chance, but I'll give it me best shot" he said in a trembling voice.

"Aaaah, you must be Captain Tainen, The coward of Alkten Field," it chuckled. its laugh sounded like rocks grinding together,

"I am no coward, I fought the same as any other man" he declared

"but when your father needed you, you ran away and your whole platoon of men followed you, leaving your dear father to die alone against my brothers"

Tainen let out a scream of anger and swung a blow to the Knights hooded face, but it parried the attack and whispered "pathetic" then it attacked with stunning speed slashing and smashing with both weapons.
Tainen could hardly defend himself, he felt a burning pain in is shoulder when the Knights sword made contact, and yelped pain as the morning star shattered the bone in his left arm, hugging his injured arm to his chest he raised his sword, to parry a overhead swing from the Knight, his sword snapped just above the hilt.
"My sword shall feast on your flesh, mortal"

Everywhere people had stopped fighting and looked in awe as the cowardly Captain fought the Shadow Knight.

Tainen let out a nervous laugh "why do you call me mortal, old boy, when your just as mortal as me, i mean look" he pointed behind it "there's a few of your little friends dead over there"

The Knight turned around, then Tainen took his chance, he got up and started to run up the steps, when he heard a rasping laugh behind him, he toppled to the ground with a scream as he felt a burning pain in his leg, he turned and got to his knees. He saw the Knight standing in front of him,
"Any last words, before you die?"

"Aye, up yours Buddie..."

He saw the knight pull back its arms and ram it's sword towards his face. With the force of the blow, he toppled over the side, yanking it's sword from its hand, and plummeted to the courtyard.

Out of nowhere a Horn sounded, calling for a retreat, and like water the invading army poured out of StoneThorn Castle.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

If it's still your intention to make this sound as if Tainen is a coward then I feel you haven't succeeded.

The following are only suggestions to be discarded as you wish
Red remove
Green alternatives or additions
Blue comments

This is the new fight between Tainen and the Shadow Knight.

--------------
Tainen He set off himself down the steps on the side of the battlements, fighting all the way down, (no coward this) then, to his dismay, he saw a Shadow Knight advancing walking up the steps in front of him.(nobody has survived a dual with a Shadow Knight for over 500 years), (The brackets distract - he could have this thought as in - His old fears reappeared, he knew that...etc) he looked behind for a way to escape, but saw that he was cut off and there was no such hope of escaping, he looked down the side of the steps but it was a 40 foot drop.
He looked back at the Knight and saw that it was cleaving a path through foes and allies (alike) with a morning star in one hand and a longsword in the other; He swore under his breath and reached down to get a discarded sword, (what had he been using before and what was wrong with that) now with two weapons he might just stand a chance.
Praying to his father's spirit to grant him the courage he needed.
"You have no chance, mortal" it said in a whisper like voice "I can smell your fear" (whispers wouldn't be heard in this situation - you've got men screaming in agony battle cries and clashing of metal on metal - He would have to shout to be heard and would do so anyway to instill more fear in his opponent regardless of how good he was)

"Aye, I may not have a chance, but I'll give it me best shot" he said in a trembling voice. (again shouting back required)

"Aaaah, you must be Captain Tainen, The coward of Alkten Field," it chuckled. its laugh sounded like rocks grinding together,

"I am no coward, I fought the same as any other man" he declared

"but when your father needed you, you ran away and your whole platoon of men followed you, leaving your dear father to die alone against my brothers"

Tainen let out a scream of anger and swung a blow to the Knights hooded face, but it parried the attack and whispered "pathetic" then it attacked with stunning speed slashing and smashing with both weapons.
Tainen could hardly defend himself, he felt a burning pain in is shoulder when the Knights sword made contact, and yelped (a little more painful than that - you have to be careful here - shattered bones don't heal very quickly unless magic is involved in your tale. If you have him too damaged then he'll not be fit for anything but a bath chair and some slippers) pain as the morning star shattered the bone in his left arm, hugging his injured arm to his chest he raised his sword, to parry a overhead swing from the Knight, his sword snapped just above the hilt.
"My sword shall feast on your flesh, mortal"

Everywhere people had stopped fighting and looked in awe as the cowardly Captain fought the Shadow Knight. (No unlikely - this is a life and death struggle, they can turn at the sound but no ones going to stop fighting when there's a man opposite with a big pointy thing he's going to stick in your soft tender bits if you aren't paying attention)

Tainen let out a nervous laugh (again shout) "why do you call me mortal, old boy, (old boy? is it back for tiffin later?) when your just as mortal as me, i mean look" he pointed behind it "there's a few of your little ( I thought these are giants if this is meant to be sarcastic indicate it) friends dead over there"

The Knight turned around, then Tainen took his chance, he got up and started to run up the steps, when he heard a rasping laugh behind him, he toppled to the ground with a scream as he felt a burning pain in his leg, he turned and got to his knees. He saw the Knight standing in front of him,
"Any last words, before you die?"

"Aye, up yours Buddie..." (again not very cowardly if he was a coward he'd be begging or at least trying to reason his way out)

He saw the knight pull back its arms and ram it's sword towards his face. With the force of the blow, he toppled over the side, yanking it's sword from its hand, and plummeted to the courtyard. (more than forty feet he isn't going to survive that unless there's a handy haystack to fall onto)

Out of nowhere a Horn sounded, calling for a retreat, and like water the invading army poured out of StoneThorn Castle.

(Too contrived our hero gets struck down and the next minute the enemy retreat and why would they they're winning hands down - Your original seemed more plausible - Try a cry of "they've taken the king" followed by some general retreating as a response - then follow it with the horn and the dissolving of the baddies into the night)

Hope this helps

TEIN

P.S.
By the way if your browser hasn't got a spell checker - IE has an ABC check icon on the tool bar - then you could try downloading the Ispell tool by clicking on the ABC icon at the top of the post box. When you have done this and configured it etc. you can right click on a post and select "check spelling" before you post it.

 

[Menion]

TheEndIsNigh:

side of the battlements, fighting all the way down, (no coward this)

I didnt want him to be to much of a coward, I mean he is a Captain afterall, but I just want him to be a coward in when hes outnumberd, not to charge in no matter what the odds, like Folmur.

He swore under his breath and reached down to get a discarded sword, (what had he been using before and what was wrong with that) now with two weapons he might just stand a chance.

What do you mean about that? like when he got a knife in his left hand, like in the first bit? I thoght with two swords he'll have a better chance.

"You have no chance, mortal" it said in a whisper like voice "I can smell your fear" (whispers wouldn't be heard in this situation - you've got men screaming in agony battle cries and clashing of metal on metal - He would have to shout to be heard and would do so anyway to instill more fear in his opponent regardless of how good he was)

Well I thought it would be more menacing to whisper, but what you say is true, he would'nt get heard, is it possible to use this *in a laugh, that sounded like thunder?*

"Aye, I may not have a chance, but I'll give it me best shot" he said in a trembling voice. (again shouting back required)

Ok I agree

he felt a burning pain in is shoulder when the Knights sword made contact, and yelped (a little more painful than that - you have to be careful here - shattered bones don't heal very quickly unless magic is involved in your tale. If you have him too damaged then he'll not be fit for anything but a bath chair and some slippers) pain as the morning star shattered the bone in his left arm

I was planing to make him lose an arm, im not planing to add magic, but there will be a little Sorcery (being able to see the future, heal, and stuff like that)

Everywhere people had stopped fighting and looked in awe as the cowardly Captain fought the Shadow Knight. (No unlikely - this is a life and death struggle, they can turn at the sound but no ones going to stop fighting when there's a man opposite with a big pointy thing he's going to stick in your soft tender bits if you aren't paying attention)

I didn't think of that.

"why do you call me mortal, old boy, (old boy? is it back for tiffin later?) when your just as mortal as me, i mean look" he pointed behind it "there's a few of your little ( I thought these are giants if this is meant to be sarcastic indicate it) friends dead over there"

Tiffin? no idea what that means, I want him to be a bit of a joker and always being sarcastic, no there not giants, I want to make them look like the tradicional baddie with a black cloak and a hidden face.

"Aye, up yours Buddie..." (again not very cowardly if he was a coward he'd be begging or at least trying to reason his way out)

Well I wouldnt want to die begging for mercy, but like always I agree with you, i'll change it.

and plummeted to the courtyard. (more than forty feet he isn't going to survive that unless there's a handy haystack to fall onto)

Yes I wasn't thinking, i'll change it.

(Too contrived our hero gets struck down and the next minute the enemy retreat and why would they they're winning hands down - Your original seemed more plausible - Try a cry of "they've taken the king" followed by some general retreating as a response - then follow it with the horn and the dissolving of the baddies into the night)

I need another word. instead of retreat, fall back?, I wanted them to leave because they have got the king. The whole reason of the battle, and the mention of Tainen's dad Kainan will be explained soon.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

What do you mean about that? like when he got a knife in his left hand, like in the first bit? I thought with two swords he'll have a better chance.

Mmmm yes this would work although I thought you could get a little humour in there about seeing the size of the thing he was about to come up against and have him look at his tiny meat skewer of a knife/sword and think it might be better to get something a little more effective.

Seeing the size of the brute ,he realised this was no time for the delicacy of the short sword. He reached down and wrestled a mighty broadsword from the dead grasp of a nearby corpse. Hefting it in his hand he nodded to himself.

"That's better," he mumbled to himself, as he prepared to face down the fiend - kind of thing

I was planing to make him lose an arm, I'm not planing to add magic, but there will be a little Sorcery (being able to see the future, heal, and stuff like that)

Yes that works. If you have heal then by all means make the poor s*d suffer. The more pain the better. You could use the experience he will undoubtedly go through for him to realise a coward dies a thousand deaths a hero only one enlightenment so he can come back from the dead as a fine fellow brave as a lion.

I need another word. instead of retreat, fall back?, I wanted them to leave because they have got the king. The whole reason of the battle, and the mention of Tainen's dad Kainan will be explained soon.

What you had almost worked. It's just too convenient for our hero to be vanquished at the exact same time. You just need to extend it so that the defeat of Tainen doesn't seem to be the crowning glory for the baddies. This would also tie in with not many people seeing his fall because if every saw it there would be no need for the big search when he was found missing.

Tiffin? no idea what that means, I want him to be a bit of a joker and always being sarcastic, no there not giants, I want to make them look like the tradicional baddie with a black cloak and a hidden face.

Tea and cakes. It sounds too much like :-

I say chaps, lets jolly over to castle StoneThorn and join in the fracaus and after we could go over to Aunt Dorethia's for some afternoon tea.

I think you need something a bit more personal and gritty perhaps with a suggestion that his parentage had more to do with animals than the norm.


why do you call me mortal, you goat faced son of a troll's horse - kind of thing

Enjoy

TEIN

 

[Menion]

Seeing the size of the brute ,he realised this was no time for the delicacy of the short sword. He reached down and wrestled a mighty broadsword from the dead grasp of a nearby corpse. Hefting it in his hand he nodded to himself.

"That's better," he mumbled to himself, as he prepared to face down the fiend - kind of thing

That is a very good idea, I can think of a way to improve it a little.

Yes that works. If you have heal then by all means make the poor s*d suffer. The more pain the better. You could use the experience he will undoubtedly go through for him to realise a coward dies a thousand deaths a hero only one enlightenment so he can come back from the dead as a fine fellow brave as a lion.

That is what i was planning

What you had almost worked. It's just too convenient for our hero to be vanquished at the exact same time. You just need to extend it so that the defeat of Tainen doesn't seem to be the crowning glory for the baddies. This would also tie in with not many people seeing his fall because if every saw it there would be no need for the big search when he was found missing.

True I'll figure somthing out.

Tea and cakes. It sounds too much like :-

I say chaps, lets jolly over to castle StoneThorn and join in the fracaus and after we could go over to Aunt Dorethia's for some afternoon tea.

I think you need something a bit more personal and gritty perhaps with a suggestion that his parentage had more to do with animals than the norm.


why do you call me mortal, you goat faced son of a troll's horse - kind of thing

That is a very good idea, old boy

 

[Menion]

I've just finished doing the *outline* story for the 2nd and 3rd parts.