Music Rooms - another NaNoWriMo excerpt

[Lioness]

Yet another scene from my NaNo. Critique and harsh words much appreciated. It is as yet unedited, so there may be quite a few grammatical problems.

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After Eron had left, Grace walked into the music rooms, lost. Everything here reminded her of him. There was the piano he had lovingly played so many years ago. And the harp. His favoured instrument. He ran a hand gently over its smooth wood and taut strings, and tensed as she imagined him playing it that day when she first saw him. It had been the beginning of her infatuation. His lovely playing had ensnared her, as it must done have for so many other women before her. Now though, these strings would lie silent. She intended to make sure of that. No-one would play the harp. Not this harp, not any. No-one but him deserved to.

She went into the store room and brought out a metal music stand. Caught by a sudden fit of rage, she ran her hands down the strings and then raised the stand. She was ready to sever the strings as Riaka had so ruthlessly severed his head. His favoured instrument would die as he had. The crunch of the wood splintering and the twang of the strings snapping hurt her more than she would have thought. She had just destroyed something capable of such beauty. It would never bequeath its gift of music again on the world. It hardly seemed fair, but to her it was adequate revenge. Beauty had no place in this world any more.

She spent the next hour systematically destroying everything in the rooms capable of creating music. Every single instrument. Every single piece of music. Even the beautiful paintings on the walls were destroyed, and their beauty was ruined forever by the slash of the music stand she wielded in her hands. The rugs on the floor were torn, and then littered with the destruction that filled the place.
Her rage eventually assuaged, she stood still and looked at the ruined wreck she had made. How had she done such harm to something so great. It wasn’t fair. I really wasn’t. Why had she done such a thing? She leant against the wall and slid down it, wracked by great sobs that would not go away.

 

[MattyK]

After Eron had left, Grace walked into the music rooms, lost. Everything here reminded her of him. There was the piano he had lovingly played so many years ago. And the harp. His favoured instrument.

She

ran a hand gently over its smooth wood and taut strings, and tensed as she imagined him playing it that day when she first saw him. It had been the beginning of her infatuation. His lovely

There's nothing wrong with the word lovely, I'd maybe just use something else such as "wonderful", "hypnotic" etc. Just a personal taste thing, I think.

playing had ensnared her, as it must

have done

for so many other women before her. Now though, these strings would lie silent. She intended to make sure of that. No-one would play the harp. Not this harp, not any. No-one but him deserved to.

She went into the store room and brought out a metal music stand. Caught by a sudden fit of rage, she ran her hands down the strings and then raised the stand. She was ready to sever the strings as Riaka had so ruthlessly severed his head. His favoured instrument would die as he had.

This bit confuses me slightly. Has Riaka killed Eron? At the start it sounds as though he's just walked out of the room. I'm assuming it makes more sense if read with the rest of the story.

The crunch of the wood splintering and the twang of the strings snapping hurt her more than she would have thought. She had just destroyed something capable of such beauty. It would never bequeath its gift of music again on the world. It hardly seemed fair, but to her it was adequate revenge. Beauty had no place in this world any more.

She spent the next hour systematically destroying everything in the rooms capable of creating music. Every single instrument. Every single piece of music. Even the beautiful paintings on the walls were destroyed, and their beauty was ruined forever by the slash of the music stand she wielded in her hands. The rugs on the floor were torn, and then littered with the destruction that filled the place.

Her rage eventually assuaged, she stood still and looked at the ruined wreck she had made. How had she done such harm to something so great. It wasn’t fair.

It

really wasn’t. Why had she done such a thing? She leant against the wall and slid down it, wracked by great sobs that would not go away.

I'm not the best person to critique, really. I can read most things and as long as it's written competantly then I'm happy. Despite that, I like it. I can tell she's really upset, well, who wouldn't? Destroying so many instruments and works of art, it's a very powerful scene.

 

[Runya]

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After Eron had left, Grace walked into the music rooms, lost. Everything here reminded her of him. There was the piano he had lovingly played so many years ago. And the harp.

remove full stop, add a comma

H[h]is favoured instrument.

He ran a hand gently over its smooth wood and taut strings, and tensed as she imagined him playing it that day when she first saw him.

I am sure it was a she in the beginning... How can "he" run a hand over stuff and then she get tensed?... I'm pretty sure that first "he" is a "she" so you might check that or please explain this to me

It had been the beginning of her infatuation. His lovely playing

You said before "he had lovingly played so many years ago" and you are repeating again the word "lovely" (one is an adjective, one is an adverb; still the same word ) Try to not repeat yourself.

had ensnared her, as it must have done for so many other women before her. Now though, these strings would lie silent. She intended to make sure of that. No-one

no hyphen between the two words?

would play the harp. Not this harp, not any other.No-one

same as before

but him deserved to.

She went into the store room and brought out a metal music stand. Caught

up ? I'm not sure...

by a sudden fit of rage, she ran her hands down the strings and then raised the stand. She was ready to sever the strings as Riaka had so ruthlessly severed his head. His favoured instrument would die as he had. The crunch of the wood splintering and the twang of the strings snapping hurt her more than she would have thought. She had just destroyed something capable of

such beauty.

This sounds somewhat off to me.

It would never bequeath its gift of music again on the world. It hardly seemed fair, but to her it was adequate revenge. Beauty had no place in this world any more.

Agree!

She spent the next hour systematically destroying everything in the rooms capable of creating music.

perhaps you would like to say "musical sound" instead of "music" ? Dunno...

Every single instrument. Every single piece of music. Even the beautiful paintings on the walls were destroyed, and their beauty was ruined forever by the slash of the music stand she wielded in her hands.

Every single instrument, every single piece of music, and even the beautiful paintings on the walls were destroyed, and their beauty she ruined forever by the slash[es?] of the music stand which she wielded in her hands. I prefer it this way because you are using full stops and the sentences are not even complete. Now, you did this on the first paragraph a lot and I know you are trying to set something like a pace, because I can hear the story in my head and it sounds awesome; however, I am not sure if you want such prolonged pauses between incomplete sentences because 1. it's grammatically wrong. 2. umm, yeah, same as 1.

The rugs on the floor were torn, and then littered with the destruction

destroyed, destruction... care to use another word?

that filled the place.
Her rage

anger? (repeating)

eventually assuaged,

no comma, full stop or a semi-colon (I prefer a full stop or, even better, press enter lol)

she stood still and looked at the ruined wreck she had made. How had she done such harm to something so great.

that sounds like a question... shouldn't it have a question mark in the end?

It wasn’t fair. It really wasn’t. Why had she done such a thing? She leant against the wall and slid down [it], wracked by great sobs that would not go away.

I liked it n_n It was very emotional for me, specially 'cause I love musical instruments and I can somehow relate to her anger which is actually more sadness than anger.

I want to apologize if I am mistaken in any of my corrections or if they are too harsh. Love ya, Lioness

 

[Lioness]

Thanks for the critique guys!

She is a she, that was a typo, brought about by trying to write 1000 words in 15 minutes.

Mattyk: It makes sense in the context of the story, but to put more in would pretty much to tell the whole thing. Basically, her ex-lover has just been killed because of something she did. She's mad at the world and herself.

Runya: I see what you mean with the full stops. I'll change that bit

Thanks again!

 

[Runya]

Thanks for the critique guys!

She is a she, that was a typo, brought about by trying to write 1000 words in 15 minutes.

Mattyk: It makes sense in the context of the story, but to put more in would pretty much to tell the whole thing. Basically, her ex-lover has just been killed because of something she did. She's mad at the world and herself.

Runya: I see what you mean with the full stops. I'll change that bit

Thanks again!

My honor

 

[Glitch]

To me it read more like a fit of jealously than what I think you intended, given your further comments about the death being her fault.

Good going on the NaNo, I dare not feel ready to tackle such a feat.

 

[Prototype]

People above have pointed out grammatical problems so I just thought I would comment from a content point of view.

You conveyed a real sense of pent up anger and fury in these paragraphs, I really felt that. To me, when she finally lets loose on the room I think you were telling me what happened rather than letting me feel, see, hear those things for myself. I'd go hell for leather; I want to have more detail about the destruction she's just wreaked! If it was me, I'd get really graphic. If the carnage reflects how she is feeling (which is what I suspect) then we'll really benefit from seeing it first hand.

On your writing style; I really like it. I think it is very readable.

I hope that's not too harsh; when people crit me I think the harsher the better!

 

[chrispenycate]

Technical quibble; you said at the beginning there was a piano. Very logical in a music room; lots of people compose on piano even if it isn't their principle instrument, as it can simultaneously handle the three elements of music: rhythm, melody and harmony.

But I've assisted in a couple of piano smashing competitions, and you're not going to put one into an unmusical condition with a music stand, even one of those big, lectern ones. Scratch it, sure, break some keys and strings but not break either the cast iron frame or the heavy wooden soundboard. I'm afraid I was expecting her to burst into tears at failing to smash it.

No-one would play the harp. Not this harp, not any.

This says that harp playing is coming to an end world-wide. Perhaps "not ever" at the end instead of "any"?

It hardly seemed fair, but to her it was adequate revenge.

Only adequate? How disappointing.

 

[Glitch]

when she finally lets loose on the room I think you were telling me what happened rather than letting me feel

After reading it a few more times I agree with Prototype on the above point.

 

[Lioness]

Thanks Prototype and Glitch

Chris - Good point on the piano. I didn't think of that.
In fact, I'm not entirely sure it would be possible to smash a harp with a music stand either...I'll have to think about that. Perhaps she picks up a mallet on her way there or something. That's for pointing out the rather poor word choices as well.

 

[Glitch]

How about an axe. Some buildings have them locked in a glass cabinet next to a fire hose.

 

[MattyK]

In fact, I'm not entirely sure it would be possible to smash a harp with a music stand either...I'll have to think about that. Perhaps she picks up a mallet on her way there or something. That's for pointing out the rather poor word choices as well.

I'm certainly no harp enthusiast but you could do one hell of a lot of damage to a harp, I think. Depends on the music stand, I suppose. It's it's one of those cheapo folding aluminium ones then her first concert is probably trapping her fingers, but assuming it's a solid and sturdy thing then she would certainly be snapping strings and depending on the thickness of the frame, she might smash through it. Of course, then your only concern is that if it's a strong and solid metal music stand (more like a lectern), is it going to be too heavy for her to wield?

Chris - Good point on the piano. I didn't think of that.

Is the music room at the top of a set of stairs, by any chance?

 

[Runya]

Is the music room at the top of a set of stairs, by any chance?

*laugh out loud*

THAT'S AN AWESOME IDEA!!!

 

[Lioness]

It could be...hmmm...

I'll ask my piano teacher about the harp. She plays one.

 

[Prototype]

After reading it a few more times I agree with Prototype on the above point.

Do I have your permission to copy that and keep it?

No-one ever agrees with me!

 

[Glitch]

Do I have your permission to copy that and keep it?

Only if I get royalties

 

[chrispenycate]

Oh, the harp should break OK, if your heroine is angry enough. You can pick a concert harp up with one hand (and half the weight's the pedal mechanics); thin wood, for maximum resonance.

You could kill a harpsichord, spinnet or celesta, too with a decent music stand.

Ironically (or woodonically; there's not much iron involved) one of the best clubs for destroying things would be a piano leg; massive, solid and reasonably shaped. Unfortunately getting one off would require cold calculation, rather than wild, instrumenticidal rage.

 

[Prototype]

Only if I get royalties

How does a can of coke and a yorkie bar sound?

Lioness, hows the progress going with this scene? Would be very interested to see what you decided to do with it.

 

[Lioness]

Prototype: I'm leaving it alone until December, or at least until I've got my 50K words. There's only 8K to go, so I should be able to work on it by the weekend.

 

[fkatona]

This is conceptually marvellous! I should think the piano upends off the balcony, as long as the legs rest on casters. Build enough momentum, and the railing can be cleared with ease.

I will only echo the others' comments on more feeling. Showing tends to be better than telling, but there is room for both in a passionate scene like this one.