Music Rooms - another NaNoWriMo excerpt

[Lioness]

Ok, I just did a first edit on it. Just a quick one. I've kept the content essentially the same, and haven't added too much detail about the destruction. She now has an axe, because there happens to be one near the fireplace for cutting wood. I've added Samen's name in there so it's clear that it wasn't Eron that was dead.

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After Eron had left, Grace walked into the music rooms, lost. Everything here reminded her of Samen. There was the piano he had lovingly played so many years ago. And the harp: his favoured instrument. She ran a hand gently over its smooth wood and taut strings, and tensed as she imagined him playing it that day when she first saw him. It had been the beginning of her infatuation. His exquisite playing had ensnared her, as it must have done for so many other women before her. Now though, the strings would lie silent. She intended to make sure of that. No-one would play this harp. Not this harp, nor any others in the palace. No-one but him deserved to.

She went over to the fireplace and picked up the axe used for cutting wood. Caught by a sudden fit of rage, she ran her hands down the strings and then raised the axe. She was ready to sever the strings as Riaka had so ruthlessly severed his head. His favoured instrument would die as he had. The crunch of the wood splintering and the twang of the strings snapping hurt her more than she would have thought. She had just destroyed something capable of producing a sound that would touch anyone. It would never bequeath its gift of music again on the world. It hardly seemed fair, but to her it was adequate revenge. Beauty had no place in this world any more.

She spent the next hour systematically destroying everything in the rooms capable of creating music. Every single instrument, every single piece of music, and even the beautiful paintings on the walls were destroyed, their beauty ruined forever by the slash of the axe that she wielded in her hands. She tore the rugs on the floor, and then littered them with the debris that now filled the room.

Her rage eventually assuaged, she stood still and looked at the ruined wreck she had made. How had she done such harm to something so great? It wasn’t fair. It really wasn’t. Why had she done such a thing? She leant against the wall and slid down it, wracked by great sobs that would not go away.

 

[fkatona]

Still could use more passion. Perhaps she, blinded by anguish, goes at it with her hands, knocking things over and tearing things down in a distressed female sort of way.... then as something rolls over to the fireplace, she notices the axe.....

 

[MattyK]

Caught by a sudden fit of rage, she ran her hands down the strings and then raised the axe. She was ready to sever the strings as Riaka had so ruthlessly severed his head.

Two things: First of all, this this section, I think the repetition of the word "strings" stands out a bit and secondly, you missed a line from the end of the penultimate paragraph...

She tore the rugs on the floor, and then littered them with the debris that now filled the room...making sure to leave a clear path to the door which she then used to push the piano down the stairs.

This could only be improved if it wasn't a piano but a drum kit. You would write it exactly the same except at the end you would add BA-DA-Dum....TISCHHH!

 

[Lioness]

I changed the piano bit...it's still there, but I assume you are able to smash a piano with an angrily wielded axe? You could certainly smash mine.

I'll think about the strings bit...I agree that it does stand out.

 

[crystal haven]

I enjoyed reading this very much. I feel it flows well, and the emotion is in there, especially at the beginning.

She went over to the fireplace and picked up the axe used for cutting wood. Caught by a sudden fit of rage, she ran her hands down the strings and then raised the axe. She was ready to sever the strings as Riaka had so ruthlessly severed his head.

Just a couple of things that didn't feel right for me: I think the 'ran her hands' and the 'sudden fit of rage', is the wrong way round. Ran her hands is a gentle action - not likely to happen in a fit of rage.

Perhaps - She ran her hands down the strings then, caught by a sudden fit of rage, she raised the axe.

The axe: I cannot see how an axe would be used for cutting wood in a music room. Now, if the axe was on display - the special axe brought back from somewhere and it hung on the wall - I could imagine that.

I think it would benefit from more showing of the destruction, but I have really enjoyed reading this.

Thank you for giving me the chance to read it.