First few pages of E.D.F Chronicles book 2 - E.D.F resurgent.

[Culhwch]

I don't know, I've been known to abuse the poor comma from time to time...

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

Admitting you have a problem is the first step.

Hopefully, with the love and support of those close hold dear, you can now look forward to a normal life.

Try and get to know the other punctuates; the humble semicolon or colon.

Full stops, for example, are the friends of all sentences; some say they are their patron saint.

We will help you pull through this Cul.

Fear not.

That's one of the fringe benefits of this site.

In the past, I know, you have helped others.

Now it's our turn to help you.

 

[Culhwch]

Well I do fancy a semi-colon or two, not to mention a good ellipsis... But it'd feel like I was fooling around behind the comma's back!

Okay, that's enough derailment, I should think - back to the thread's original purpose!

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

In regard to your confusion about proper formatting, and in response to your PM, all of the sections I have highlighted in red are improperly formatted.

[FONT=&quot]“Well Lieutenant I am going to retire, I have an important briefing with Admiral Mc’Kenzie in the morning.” Michael said suppressing a sigh.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow Captain.” [/FONT]

Improperly formatted: Michael's dialogue and Kinraid's dialogue should be two different paragraphs -- with a blank line separating them.



[FONT=&quot]And with that Kinraid watched the remainder of the outer colony news, while Michael returned to his quarters. His new officers quarters was located on deck 14, forward section of Delta base. It was considerably smaller than his previous family quarters, the deck where that was located was still not fully repaired yet. However his new place was nicely laid out with a large comfortable bed, an opulent lounge and separate eating area.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Michael undressed, and slid into bed, and settled down to his usual restless nights sleep.[/FONT]

This part is confusing. It could be either one paragraph or two, but the way you have the line breaks it is difficult to tell which one you mean it to be.



[FONT=&quot]The next morning arrived, he awoke, got dressed, had a small but appetising breakfast, and headed to one of the myriad briefing rooms on the upper sections of the station to attend the briefing with Admiral Mc’Kenzie.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“Come in Captain.” The deep voiced Admiral spoke.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Michael filed into the dimly lit briefing room, it was deceptively large. There was a large oval table which was lit; and surrounded by chairs, and there was a large viewer on one wall. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Michael saluted the man, who was in his mid forties, with slightly greying hair; and sat down at this large table.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“How is your new second officer, Kinraid isn’t it?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Yes Admiral, he is proving to be an excellent officer sir.” Michael replied, wondering what exactly the admiral was getting at.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Good, because you’ll need him, orders have just come through from E.D.F command; they are preparing a big push towards Gamma IV. The Krenarans in that area have not yet captured Echo base, but Krenaran ship numbers in that area have increased dramatically over the past few weeks. We think they are building for an attack on Echo base itself, and if that base falls it could swing the entire war back in their favour.”[/FONT]


You have several paragraphs mashed together here, most of them dialogue.



[FONT=&quot]Michael knew the stakes were high; Echo base was the primary base for the engineering services. As well as the main shipyard for the navy; without it, repairs to naval vessels would be drastically cut as they would have to rely much more heavily on the smaller, less equipped substations. It also supplied a vast proportion of armoured support, arms and equipment to the Troop division.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“What kinds of ground forces do they have there Admiral?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“The majority of the 3rd armoured company the “Hells angels”, as well as a sizeable proportion of the E.D.F commandoes; led by your old buddy Colonel Vargev.” The Admiral smiled.[/FONT]

This should be two paragraphs with a line space between -- again because you have two different people speaking.




[FONT=&quot]Michael chuckled a little, remembering his exploits with the enigmatic and notorious former Major Vargev.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“Something funny Captain?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Err…no sir, its just I haven’t heard from Colonel Vargev since we were both promoted together.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“The [FONT=&quot]Liberty[/FONT][FONT=&quot] is cleared to depart at [/FONT][FONT=&quot]18:00[/FONT][FONT=&quot] hours with the sixth battlegroup, made up of the Jupiter class assault carrier Hermes, the Danitza class battleships defiant and vengeance, four [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Jefferson[/FONT][FONT=&quot] class heavy destroyers……anyway the full fleet lists are on here.”

Same problem.



The Admiral passed him a disc for his data navigator. Which he slid into a pocket on his uniform.[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“However you are to join with a second battlegroup at wolf 359, together there will be nearly two hundred E.D.F and Solarian ships taking part in this operation captain, and we expect heavy resistance.....one last thing, Solarian intelligence has picked up on this Krenaran.”
The Admiral pointed to a display showing a fuzzy image of a massive Krenaran, with mechanical legs. His sheer size dwarfed the other Krenarans in the picture, who at eight feet tall were not small either.
“All we know is his name is Alax, and we think he is in command of the Krenaran military. The Solarians are scared stiff of this guy, and we believe he may be operating around Gamma IV. We have designated him an Alpha level threat, if we should locate him or find out the ship he is on, we are authorised to terminate with extreme prejudice. That will be all Captain.”[/FONT]

Same problem.


[FONT=&quot]Michael stood and saluted the admiral, and left the briefing room.[/FONT]

 

[markus]

the Paddywhackers (for want of a better racial qualifier) develop their own accent and patois.[/QUOTE]


Is this racism? also the characters name was Quinn, not Paddy.

 

[Culhwch]

You may want to read all the posts, Markus...

The example i give of this is; say one day Paddy from Ireland decides to form a colony one day, and sets off with his family, eventually he finds said colony, 500 light years from earth. Because he has an Irish accent, his family have an irish accent, therefore their ancestors would have an Irish accent also. As for a thousand years, who knows what would happen.

 

[Vargev]

Absolutely not markus, these stories are about as un-racist as it can be. That was about dialects.

 

[markus]

Hi Vargev,
sorry if I was unclear with my question, I was not referring to your novel, just the comment by Culhwch "the Paddywhackers (for want of a better racial qualifier) develop their own accent and patois.[/QUOTE]" Im not sure what culhwch meant by this and was seeking some clarification.The novel itself looks interesting and I would love to read more, you definitely have something there, keep forging ahead. Keep writing, keep believing, you show excellent promise.

 

[Vargev]

Thank you markus, i do absolutely believe in these works. and i'll be writing for some time yet, i have plans for another two novels after this one. Then a different one after that.