Introducing a foreign [created] language

[MistingWolf]

I have a couple of small sections in my book where I have a phrase that is in Canaean, a language created specifically for this book [I even have the alphabet. I don't intend to use it as broadly as ERAGON, though]. But I wonder if I do this tastefully, or even if I ought to at all.

The convey globe [basically a transportation device] has just dropped off my second main protagonist, Keiro, in my first main protagonist, Iris's, world. Iris and her younger stepbrother Terry are on their way to a scouts camp [Iris being the supervisor of Terrance] when Keiro [the one from Canaes] finds them....

There was a flash of light in the corner if Iris’s eye, but she didn’t think anything of it. Somewhere up ahead, they could hear someone begin coughing loudly.
“Sounds like somebody’s dying over there,” commented Terry. “You think maybe we should – “ He stopped in mid-sentence when he noticed the coughing had stopped.
“We should just mind our own business,” suggested Iris, and ushered her stepbrother on. As they passed an alleyway, running footsteps approached them. Suddenly, a young man burst from the alley and yanked on Terry’s arm.
“Karra zhi shohn!” he shouted, right in Terry’s face.
“Huh?” I swear I‘ve heard that somewhere….

Now, [spoiler here so highlight if you dare] this same phrase is used by her father beforehand. Canaean may also be used later on down the line, in small snippets after Iris and Terry return to Earth.

Ought I to leave this as it is, or perhaps change it to something else?

 

[The Judge]

That'll teach me to read things properly before jumping to a conclusion -- you said you'd got this language, lo and behold Iris and Terry hear someone coughing, and I think what a brilliant way to show an alien language being spoken... ahem. Sorry!

Anyway, if Keiro would say this, whatever it is, and if Iris and Terry wouldn't be able to interpret it, then I think it's right to introduce it in this way. For my taste I don't think you should have too much of it at any one time, otherwise you might find your readers start jumping bits, but the odd sentence is fine.

But, please, do not have Keiro and his fellows speak impeccable English, including words native speakers might find difficult, and then lapse back into their own language for little words which are easily translatable-- the kind of thing that has a Frenchman saying 'Mon ami' to remind everyone he is French!

Just one other little point. I don't know about you, but if some maniac leapt out of an alley, yanked on my arm and shouted gibberish in my face, I would not be thinking 'Ooh, I've heard someone else say that'. I'd be pulling myself away, screaming blue murder and possibly landing one on the assailant. I'd suggest either tone Keiro down or bump up Terry's reaction.

J

 

[Culhwch]

I agree with everything the honourable Judge says. Fine in small doses, like here, but don't overdo it. Can go south mighty quickly.

I agree on Terry's reaction too. And the 'he commented' attribution - what's wrong with said? That felt very out of place. (Sorry to critique, but I can't help myself!)

 

[Boneman]

Hey Misty,

good to see you're still writing!! I see no problem with the way you've introduced it, and maybe it would be better if Terry mused (later) that he'd heard it before somewhere, especially if they're trying to work out what was actually said. It can be obvious if you add a gesture to the speech - a raised fist, a beckoning finger, a wink of the eye, a rude gesture, and so on.

When you're using a foreign language it's kinda difficult to get it over, but yours is made up, so nobody will recognise it anyway!* The only other way is to say: '... shouting something incomprehensible in Terry's face.' I prefer your way - if you've gone to the trouble of inventing the language, then use it!

*Although I have heard it before, and I'm sure he's saying 'Buy us a beer guv'nor, I'm as parched as a kangaroo's jockstrap.'

 

[Ursa major]

With such a short example, it's hard for me to comment on the language issue. What did pull me out of the text was the head-hopping: Iris "didn’t think anything of it" and Terry stopping "in mid-sentence when he noticed the coughing had stopped" and later Terry's thinking <I swear I‘ve heard that somewhere…>.

(Sorry, by the way, if the text is simply an example, and not a section of real narrative.)



But it did make me think about the relevance of POV (as if I think about anything else); so:

1. If the POV character speaks the language, you might want to keep it, but it may depend on how rusty the narrator is; otherwise, wouldn't they know what the words meant there and then? And so wouldn't they be in the narrative tongue and so known to the reader? A few non-narrative-language (e.g. English) words - giving the POV character time to switch languages and a bit of local colour - should be okay.
2. If the POV character doesn't speak the language, you can put in what you want (though they wouldn't know - at the time - the vagaries of the spelling); or you could use the "coughing" TJ suggested. Long sections of non-understood language would look wrong: I have trouble remembering short sections of English speech and would soon give up recording something really different on a syllable-by-syllable basis.

 

[The Judge]

Ah-ha! I was hoping someone would mention POV and the issue of spelling. How does one get over this issue?

Obviously if it's written in first person, and the POV character is ignorant of the language, then her understanding and recall, and ultimately her spelling of the alien words is likely to be very different from how the aliens themselves might write them, even allowing for the aliens transliterating them, so that the words are more or less spelled as they are to be pronounced. But if the POVs change, you might have the same words or phrases then appearing differently, causing confusion for the readers.

But if it's written in the third person, and not in a close-up of the POV (sorry Ursa, can never remember the technical terms here), what then? Should the spelling be exactly as the aliens would write it, complete with apostrophes and the like?

J

 

[goldhawk]

But if it's written in the third person, and not in a close-up of the POV (sorry Ursa, can never remember the technical terms here), what then? Should the spelling be exactly as the aliens would write it, complete with apostrophes and the like?

Here, bookmark this: Narrative mode.

Why would aliens use the same alphabet as us? Or would you type it phonetically?

 

[MistingWolf]

You're probably right in that Iris should probably think more about that flash, but since they live in a larger city, things shine sometimes; for all she knows, someone has hung a CD in their window and it turned to reflect some sunlight.

I also [terribly sorry!] forgot to mention that the last thought is Iris's, not Terry's. This section is all in Iris's POV. Here's the rest of the scene:

“Huh?” I swear I‘ve heard that somewhere…. Startled, Iris hesitated for a moment. The youth took his chance and pulled Terry along with him back down the alley. The boy didn’t go without a fight. But even though Terry struggled with all his might, yelling and trying to kick his captor, the young man held his grip. Faltering for only a moment, Iris raced after them. “Hey! What do you think you’re doing?! Let go of him!” When she caught sight of them again, Terry was wedged into a corner, the kidnapper pressing all his weight to keep him there while he was fiddling with some sort of ball. As he finished turning one side of it, he smiled as a white-green light spread from the orb, and more beams of light coming from the sky enhanced it, encompassing them both. Iris crashed into him, reaching for Terry, and they disappeared within the light.
[end of the chapter]


I can see, too, that this needs work. It's a year old, and I was looking through some of my older stuff when the thought about the language came up.

As for the Canaean itself, it's somewhat like English, but has more of the pronunciation of Japanese. Most Canaeans are left-handed; they write from right to left, horizontally. That sentence Keiro speaks just means "Come with me." Iris's father has said this to her before, hence why she's mildly taken aback hearing it from someone else. Right now, how I have it spelt is indeed the Canaean way they would spell it.

 

[Nik]

Anything is probably better than the way I handled the unfamiliar languages (half a dozen at least) in 'Orloc of Robur'. I didn't try. IIRC, I made the protagonist speak gently --Rather than Shout At The Stupid Natives-- and later admit to the (rusty) interpreter that she wouldn't want to hear him try his school-German...