P for Pleistocene: Stilted dialogue ??

[Nik]

Day 18 Monday
================

"Morning, Mister Mike !" Alys greeted me with a cup of hot water. "Nice, bright day !"

"Uh..." I considered myself fit, but hauling the heavy end of that deer had left me stiff. I wriggled part-way from my sleeping bag, sat up and took the cup. "Thank you."

"There's some soup for breakfast," Jenny announced, stirring a heating kettle. "Won't be long now..."

"Smells good !" With the soup sniffed, Sue found a seat on the lower bench. After drinking my water, I fumbled my way into clean smalls inside the sleeping bag then pulled on my pants and wriggled out of my bivvy tent. Sue waved across, asked, "What are your plans today, Mister Mike ?"

I'd had time to work one problem through. "Take a look at the off-cuts, see if I can spot the makings of a ladle."

"How do you plan to do that ?" I'd piqued Henry's curiosity.

"Look for an angled side-branch off a stem that's the diameter of the bowl."

"As simple as that..." Henry nodded. "Of course."

"You must spend your night shifts thinking how to make stuff, Mister Mike !" Jenny grinned. "I had so much fun turning that bowl !"

"Uh-huh." Jenny's time with the pole-lathe had clearly given her a new perspective. "I can carve convex shapes with spoke-shave and palm-plane, but concaves are tricky without a curved gouge. I reckon I can rough out the bowl with an auger, chisel the lands then scrape it smooth. I may need to whittle it with my multi-tool."

"Well, we're making nettle soup." Alys pointed to a wet bowl that was playing pestle and mortar to a mess of greens. "They're squashing down really well !"

O and Dave emerged from their tent and stretched. O sniffed the air, said, "That smells good !"

Henry concurred, "It really does smell good !"

Jenny nodded across to Alys, got a grin by return then repeated, "Won't be long now..."

We found seats, held out our cups for the soup. It tasted as good as it smelled, was filling and welcome.

"What are we doing today ?" I asked. "Hopefully, I'm carving a ladle."

"Dave's going to help me fill the potato barrel." Henry announced.

"Uh-huh." Dave looked less than delighted.

O grinned, said, "I have kitchen duty."

"I need to practise throwing the bolas," Sue said.

"D'you mind if I tackle another bowl, Mister Mike ?"

"You're very welcome, Jenny." I stated. "I'm so glad you've found the knack !"

"I just hope the pots work out..." She went around, filling our cups with hot water.

"Speaking of which..." Henry waved for attention. "Tomorrow, may we go glean more poles ?"

"More spears ?" I wondered.

"Lots more spears." Henry nodded. "Plus the start of a shelter for the latrine."

"Plus a thickening tray for the clay," Jenny reminded. "Uh, how did the baked stones turn out ?"

"Not the slightest sizzle." I admitted. "Lime needs a kiln's heat."

"Which needs a lot of dried timber..." Dave called it correctly.

"Lots and lots..." The wolves were going to present a problem. Fire-wood collections would need a party of three at least, and they must carry spears, too. Perhaps I could help there. "I'm not sure if it is worth the trouble, but I could put fat wheels on a travois' cross-beam."

"Ooh !" Sue sat up. "So it rolls when it can ?"

"Like an over-grown wheel-barrow ?" Henry wondered.

"Or something off The Flintstones ?" Alys quipped.

"That could be a help." Henry nodded.

"Of course, we'd have to haul the makings..." Dave had a point.

"We've cut back a bunch of trees on this side of the gorge," Alys reminded us, adding, "We've not touched the far side-- We could build the kiln on the other bank."

We looked to each other. Sue asked, "Take the alloy ladder around and make a long day of it ?"

"Two days." I had no illusions of the quantities involved. "Leave the ladder there over-night."

"Poll anything that's not fruit or nut-bearing ?"

"That's the plan, Dave." I nodded.

"Not before the next hunt, Mister Mike..." O pleaded.

"Fair enough," I said. "Big difference from hauling bundles of poles to truckin' timber."

"Too right !" Dave relaxed slightly.

"If the weather is good, we could fetch in more poles tomorrow." O made it official.

"I'd like to come." Alys sat up. "I'd like a chance to stretch my legs."

"Me, too," Dave said.

"Looks like it's you and me, Henry !" Jenny grinned, pouring another round of hot water.

"Yes, Ma'am !" He tossed off a neat salute.

 

[The Judge]

To be frank, Nik, to my mind it suffers exactly the same faults as before. It's a game of conversational pass-the-parcel rather than proper dialogue. If you only had two characters in here, then this relentless one-sentence-your-turn would be bad enough. With as many people as this it is wholly off-putting. What makes matters worse is that they're scarcely talking about earth-shattering events here -- so there's nothing to hold our attention at all, and even if it's important for us to know what they are planning to do (and I have major concerns over that), there's too much which is wholly redundant eg the soup smelling good. And on top of that it's 775 words long, or about 3 pages. In my view, it's far too much for a going-nowhere scene.

I think you have to be strict with yourself. It doesn't matter how many of the gang are present at any one time, you should only allow two or three of them to talk -- the others are too busy eating or muttering to themselves or whatever. And those who do talk have to hold the stage for longer. It might or might not be of interest, but recently I've had some work professionally critiqued. I had one scene with only 3 people in it, with one clear POV; their characters are markedly different, as are their speech patterns and word use, and they each talk in the main for much longer than your characters -- and I was still told that the way the conversation went back and forth between them (which I'd hoped was naturalistic) made it hard the first time to follow who was speaking and therefore to distinguish them. With the best will in the world, yours is almost impossible to follow -- and I just don't think readers would bother making the effort.

I know the conventional wisdom is show don't tell, and ordinarily having people talk is better than having the narrator tell us, but there are exceptions -- and I think this is one of them. This entire scene could be wrapped up in a few hundred words of Mike telling us what duties were allocated. The thing is, the dialogue isn't showing us character, because there are simply too many of them there, and their characters are, as far as I can see, wholly interchangeable.

Sorry. I know this isn't what you wanted to hear. I find that often I can understand an issue better if someone can show me an alternative, so I have a chance of weighing up the differences. What I might do is have a play around with this and see if I can condense it as I've suggested and then post it to show you what I mean. Obviously it will then be in my voice, not yours, so it could never be exactly as you would want it, but it might just give you a bit of a guide.

 

[Nik]

Thanks ! I could *smell* a problem but could not identify it.

Clearly, I've concentrated on gossip and punctuation to the point where I've lost track of the meagre plot.
;-(

 

[The Judge]

OK. I've had a quick play around to see if I could produce something which showed what I mean, and I've got two versions. Neither is perfect, but they might help point you in the right direction.

The first one is still dialogue-heavy:

"Morning, Mister Mike." Alys greeted me with a cup of hot water. "Nice, bright day."

"Uh..." I considered myself fit, but hauling the heavy end of that deer had left me stiff. I wriggled part-way from my sleeping bag, sat up and took the cup.

"There's soup for breakfast," she continued. "Won't be long now..."

After drinking my water, I fumbled my way into clean smalls inside the sleeping bag then pulled on my pants and wriggled out of my bivvy tent.

Sue was sitting on the lower bench, waiting. She waved across at me. "What are your plans today, Mister Mike ?"

I'd had time to work one problem through. "Jenny wants a ladle –"

"Too right, " Jenny said, holding up the [thing] she was using as she stirred a heating kettle. The girls laughed.

" – so I’ll be looking through the off-cuts, to see if I can spot the makings of one. An angled side-branch off a stem that's a good diameter, and I should be able to manage it."

"You must spend your night shifts thinking how to make stuff!"

"I can carve convex shapes with spoke-shave and palm-plane, " I said, "but concaves are tricky without a curved gouge. I reckon I can rough out the bowl with an auger, chisel the lands then scrape it smooth. I may need to whittle it with my multi-tool."

Alys and Jenny had their heads together over the soup. Their giggles told me I’d probably explained too much. Again.

O and Dave emerged from their tent, scratching and stretching, and washed themselves perfunctorily before joining Susan on the bench. Despite the "won’t be long now... " it was a little while before the soup was ready, but it was worth waiting for. It tasted as good as it smelled, and I was amazed again the girls could produce something so delicious.

"What are we all doing today? " I asked, as we finished the soup. "Henry?"

"Dave's helping me fill the potato barrel."

Dave looked less than delighted at the prospect, I noticed.

"O?"

"Kitchen duty.” He snapped to attention and saluted.

"We're making nettle soup," Alys said, pointing to a wet bowl that held a mess of greens.

"D'you mind if I have another go at turning a bowl, Mister Mike ?" Jenny asked.

"You're very welcome. I'm glad you've found the knack."

"I thought I’d practise throwing the bolas," Sue said.

"Speaking of which..." Henry waved for attention. "We need more spears.”

The others immediately added their thoughts on what we needed. A shelter for the latrine. A thickening tray for the clay. And if we were to get the baked stones, we needed a kiln's heat, which in turn needed dried timber. A lot of dried timber. The wolves would present a problem. Fire-wood collections would need a party of three at least, and they’d have to carry spears, too. Perhaps I could help with part of it.

"I'm not sure if it is worth the trouble," I said, "but I could put fat wheels on a travois' cross-beam. So it rolls whenever possible. A bit like an over-grown wheel-barrow."

"Or something off The Flintstones ?" Alys started giggling again.

"We've cut back a bunch of trees on this side of the gorge," I said, "but we've not touched the far side. We could build the kiln on the other bank."

"Take the alloy ladder round and make a long day of it ?" Sue asked.

"Two days." I had no illusions of the quantities involved. "Leave the ladder there overnight. And poll anything that's not fruit or nut-bearing."

"Not before the next hunt," O pleaded.

"Fair enough," I said. "Big difference from hauling bundles of poles to truckin' timber."

They laughed. The poles we could start fetching the very next day. The rest of it... well, we had plenty of time.

It's only about 130 words shorter than yours and to my mind is still too much, especially as I have allowed almost everyone some lines, but I think it reads a bit easier. I've deleted dialogue which don't add anything at all -- the fillers like "Thank you" -- and I've run some lines into one and/or swapped speakers, all of which speeds it up.


The second version is all narrative:

Alys woke me with a cup of hot water and the promise of soup for breakfast. Hauling the heavy end of the deer had left me stiff and it was a few minutes before I could fumble my way into clean smalls inside the sleeping bag and then dress. Some time later, O and Dave emerged from their tent, scratching and stretching, and washed themselves perfunctorily before joining Susan on the lower bench. Despite Jenny’s "won’t be long now... " it was a little while before the soup was ready, but it was worth waiting for. It tasted as good as it smelled, and I was amazed again the girls could produce something so delicious.

I’d already decided on my work for the day. Jenny wanted a ladle and I planned to take a look at the off-cuts to see if I could spot the makings of one. An angled side-branch off a stem of a good diameter would do it. I could carve convex shapes with spoke-shave and palm-plane, but although concaves were tricky without a curved gouge, I reckoned I could rough out the bowl with an auger, chisel the lands then scrape it smooth, before whittling it with my multi-tool.

The others had their own plans. Alys would be making soup – a mess of greens already sat stewing in a wet bowl, and O was on kitchen duty, helping. Henry and Dave were to fill the potato barrel, though Dave looked less than delighted, I noticed. Sue wanted to practise throwing the bolas, while Jenny’s new enthusiasm for turning led her to ask to tackle another bowl.

It was Henry who started the round of “what we need” when he pointed out we had to glean more poles to make spears. The others chimed in with requests for the shelter for the latrine and a thickening tray for the clay. And if we were ever to get baked stones, we needed a kiln’s heat, which meant dried timber. A lot of dried timber.
[FONT=&quot]
I knew the wolves would be a problem. Fire-wood collections would need a party of three at least, and they’d have to carry spears, too. But I could help there, by putting fat wheels on a travois' cross-beam so it rolled whenever possible, like an overgrown wheelbarrow. We could build the kiln on the other bank of the gorge where we’d scarcely touched the trees. Two days of polling anything that wasn’t fruit or nut-bearing would do it. O pleaded for that heavy work to be left until after the next hunt, to which we all agreed. The poles we could start hauling the very next day, but as for the rest of it – we had plenty of time.[/FONT]

This has knocked about 40% off word count, but is obviously dense in comparison. I have it on good authority that a well-known author (well-known to Boneman in particular...) states that although dialogue is longer, in both word-count and space, it reads quicker and seems faster, so is usually to be preferred. In my view, there are exceptions.


What struck me again, though, is how inconsequential it all is. I've put in practically everything you had, but frankly I can't see any of it is really necessary, though I appreciate I don't know what follows. I know you want to show them getting to grips with their new life, but I'm really not sure this level of detail is needed -- especially the info dump about turning. If this was an isolated one-off it might pass by way of being a snap-shot of what the rest of the time was like, but from what I recall the other scenes didn't have much more excitement than this. I'm not saying we need blood and guts on every page, but we do need something to hold our attention and make us want to read on.

And when you do go back to dialogue, Nik, you must stop using so many synonyms for "said", as we've mentioned before. In consecutive lines you have wondered, nodded, reminded, admitted; and later wondered, quipped and nodded, plus on other occasions announced (twice), concurred and stated. The odd one or two would be OK, but this flood is just too much. It's largely a result of the pass-the-parcel dialogue problem, since you have to identify a new speaker on practically every line. Eliminate that problem, which I think is absolutely vital, and you reduce the need for said-avoidance.

Hope this helps. If anything is unclear, let me know.

 

[Nik]

Many thanks !

I'll try to fix the tale.

FWIW, I find writing *any* dialogue hard-- I'm trying too hard...

And, yes, 'said' is officially 'invisible'.

 

[The Judge]

If you find it hard -- don't write it!! At least not in this quantity. You need to practise it, obviously, but if you feel your strengths lie elsewhere, play to them.

 

[J Riff]

Dialogue, like Judge said, is tricky when there's more than two people talking. Again, try to not use exclamation marks or any other devices like ... unless absolutely necessary.
Hard to visualize this scene.... perhaps a sentence or three describing where they are.
I have no ide what a bivvy is . I'm guessing it's a Brit term for bivouac ? Keep at it and it will fall into shape. )

 

[Precise Calibre]

I agree with Judge. In fact, I stopped reading it about halfway through.


Minor nitpick.

"Well, we're making nettle soup." Alys pointed to a wet bowl that was playing pestle and mortar to a mess of greens. "They're squashing down really well !"

I know I'm being anal, but it's normally phrased as "mortar and pestle" and you can't say that just the bowl is acting as a "mortar and pestle" - the bowl would only be the mortar, you'd need a separate tool to act as the pestle.

 

[Nik]

Points taken.

They do have a 'pestle', made from the broken out core of a turned bowl, but that was three-plus chapters back so this mention lacks context.

I'll go beat upon the chapter opening.

 

[Boneman]

Can't add anything to that which the Judge has already said - damn good critiquing, and damn helpful, if I may say so. But I think there's a small slap in there, somewhere.

The piece of advice that has helped me the most (drop that hand, Teresa and Judge, 'twas before the PR event!) was to look at a piece, any piece and ask "What does it add to the story?" If I'm having trouble deciding, then I'll rewrite and edit and ask the question again. If I decide it adds nothing, then it comes out. Sometimes I've (often reluctantly) taken swathes of words out, hoping I'll use them elsewhere, because I love them so much. But when I look back later I find it was the right thing to do.

Not saying you have to do this at all, but if you're not sure, give it some serious consideration, and cut and paste it all in a file where it will lie, until resurrected if/when needed.

 

[Peter Graham]

Hi Nik,

For the third time in two days (Messrs Boneman and Bloater take a bow), I've got the pleasure of having a look at a piece by one of our undoubted heavyweight talents.

I'm with Her Honour, for the most part. To me, it just didn't quite seem like real people talking. However, to digress from one of Judge's observations, I think that "show don't tell" is always a good mantra - but putting something in dialogue tags doesn't automatically make it showing.

What we have in your piece is far too much "explanatory dialogue/info dumping masquerading as plot/character development". A good example is the following exchange:-

"How do you plan to do that ?" I'd piqued Henry's curiosity.

"Look for an angled side-branch off a stem that's the diameter of the bowl."

"As simple as that..." Henry nodded. "Of course."

"You must spend your night shifts thinking how to make stuff, Mister Mike !" Jenny grinned. "I had so much fun turning that bowl !"

"Uh-huh." Jenny's time with the pole-lathe had clearly given her a new perspective. "I can carve convex shapes with spoke-shave and palm-plane, but concaves are tricky without a curved gouge. I reckon I can rough out the bowl with an auger, chisel the lands then scrape it smooth. I may need to whittle it with my multi-tool."

Eek! This is doubtless a text book description of how to make a ladle, but therein lies the problem - it sounds too text book. My great pal Dave Ten Pints is a very handy wood furtlist, but when he is explaining the technique (which he does ad nauseam), he still sounds like Dave. He knows I don't know the jargon and he'd say something like:-

"It's not that bad doing convex stuff, but concave stuff gets tricky. You need a curved gouge - I've got a cracking one which my brother gave me. Then you get all the middle out, smooth it and bingo - job done."

What he wouldn't do - and what I suspect most people wouldn't do unless they were teaching someone or showing off - is to tell me precisely which tool he'd use for which bit of the process. And if he was teaching, he'd make sure they were following what he was saying, rather than just churning it all out.

You also use a lot of "saidisms". No-one has opined or ejaculated as yet, but they've done pretty much everything else.

In addition, individual voices get lost in the free for all. A number of people are speaking, but unfortunately they all seem to speak in precisely the same way. It is virtually impossible to tell them apart without attribution tags - which is perhaps part of the "saidisms" issue. I think you need to work more on defining the voice of each major character - nothing dramatic, but enough so that you at least drop the reader a clue about who might be talking.

But it's a nice scene and would make me want to read more. I like a slow burn and I like to see characters noodling around and being themselves, rather than always pushing towards the next Big Scene. Keep at it!

All the best,

Peter

 

[Nik]

I was just about to post a mildly revised version when I realised it is *still* too dialogue heavy.

I think it needs to sit for a few days...

 

[ctg]

"Morning, Mister Mike." Alys greeted me with a cup of hot water. "Nice, bright day, isn't it?"

When you write dialogue, you have to think the way how people talk to each other. Your characters have start having a conversation rather than you forcing them to have one. The way you had written it made it sound as if this was one of those army mornings when a drill sergeant comes to wake you up by shouting on your face, "mornig" (notice no exclamation mark)

Also it doesn't lead up to have a conversation that Alys is obviously after. Hence I added the bit on blue.

"Uh..." I considered myself fit, but hauling the heavy end of that deer had left me stiff. I wriggled part-way from my sleeping bag, sat up and took the cup. "Thank you."

"There's some soup for breakfast," Jenny announced, stirring a heating kettle. "Won't be long now..."

Good piece of dialogue, but do you need to exposition in the middle.

"Smells good !" With the soup sniffed, Sue found a seat on the lower bench. After drinking my water, I fumbled my way into clean smalls inside the sleeping bag then pulled on my pants and wriggled out of my bivvy tent. Sue waved across, asked, "What are your plans today, Mister Mike ?"

"Smells good" sounds a bit stiff. You can leave it out and just go on with the narrative. When that's done, and they're eating, you can weave in the conversation and make Sue to pop the question.

I'd had time to work one problem through. "Take a look at the off-cuts, see if I can spot the makings of a ladle."

No need to narrate. Just pop out the line.

"How do you plan to do that ?" I'd piqued Henry's curiosity.

Remove narrative, or use asked tag.

"Look for an angled side-branch off a stem that's the diameter of the bowl."

"As simple as that..." Henry nodded. "Of course."

Nice.

"You must spend your night shifts thinking how to make stuff, Mister Mike !" Jenny grinned. "I had so much fun turning that bowl !"

I would remove Mike and just say:

"You must spend your nights thinking on how to make stuff Mister," Jenny grinned.

If you use Mister Mike, it sound so formal, when I feel that these characters are bit closer than being casual opponents in a conversation.

O and Dave emerged from their tent and stretched. O sniffed the air, said, "That smells good !"

Henry concurred, "It really does smell good !"

Jenny nodded across to Alys, got a grin by return then repeated, "Won't be long now..."

Nice. The only thing that I would have done differently would be Henry's line, where the exclamation mark after "Yeah!" would have driven down the point.

We found seats, held out our cups for the soup. It tasted as good as it smelled, was filling and welcome.

"What are we doing today ?" I asked. "Hopefully, I'm carving a ladle."

"Dave's going to help me fill the potato barrel." Henry announced.

"Uh-huh." Dave looked less than delighted.

O grinned, said, "I have kitchen duty."

"I need to practise throwing the bolas," Sue said.

"D'you mind if I tackle another bowl, Mister Mike ?"

"You're very welcome, Jenny." I stated. "I'm so glad you've found the knack !"

"I just hope the pots work out..." She went around, filling our cups with hot water.

"Speaking of which..." Henry waved for attention. "Tomorrow, may we go glean more poles ?"

"More spears ?" I wondered.

"Lots more spears." Henry nodded. "Plus the start of a shelter for the latrine."

"Plus a thickening tray for the clay," Jenny reminded. "Uh, how did the baked stones turn out ?"

"Not the slightest sizzle." I admitted. "Lime needs a kiln's heat."

"Which needs a lot of dried timber..." Dave called it correctly.

A lot of this feels as if you're putting the conversation as a filler, when you could had done it with narrative and only include important bits like making of the spears in the dialogue. But the thing is that this conversation flowed very well.

"Lots and lots..." The wolves were going to present a problem. Fire-wood collections would need a party of three at least, and they must carry spears, too. Perhaps I could help there. "I'm not sure if it is worth the trouble, but I could put fat wheels on a travois' cross-beam."

"Ooh !" Sue sat up. "So it rolls when it can ?"

"Like an over-grown wheel-barrow ?" Henry wondered.

"Or something off The Flintstones ?" Alys quipped.

"That could be a help." Henry nodded.

"Of course, we'd have to haul the makings..." Dave had a point.

"We've cut back a bunch of trees on this side of the gorge," Alys reminded us, adding, "We've not touched the far side-- We could build the kiln on the other bank."

We looked to each other. Sue asked, "Take the alloy ladder around and make a long day of it ?"

"Two days." I had no illusions of the quantities involved. "Leave the ladder there over-night."

"Poll anything that's not fruit or nut-bearing ?"

"That's the plan, Dave." I nodded.

"Not before the next hunt, Mister Mike..." O pleaded.

"Fair enough," I said. "Big difference from hauling bundles of poles to truckin' timber."

"Too right !" Dave relaxed slightly.

"If the weather is good, we could fetch in more poles tomorrow." O made it official.

"I'd like to come." Alys sat up. "I'd like a chance to stretch my legs."

"Me, too," Dave said.

"Looks like it's you and me, Henry !" Jenny grinned, pouring another round of hot water.

"Yes, Ma'am !" He tossed off a neat salute.

Again this feels like a filler when you could get away with a narrative. I would recommend you to check out Alex Garland's - The Beach. In there he writes in similar situation,

Negative, page 122

On the morning of the my fourth Sunday, all the camp were down on the beach. Nobody work on Sundays.

The tide was out so there was forty feet of sand between the treeline and the sea. Sad had organised a huge game of football and just about everyone was taking part, but not me and Keyty. We were sitting out on one of the boulders, listening to the shouts of the players drifting over the water. Along with our enthusiasm for video games, an indifference to football was something we shared.

A flash of silver slipped past my feet. "Gotcha," I muttered, flicking an imaginary spear at the fish, and Keaty scowled.

"Easy life."

"Fishing?"

"Fishing."

I nodded. Fishing was easy. I'd had the idea that as a city-softened westerner...

So you see, the dialogue comes in to the play when it's needed, and it should do the same job in your prose.

 

[Toby Frost]

My thought on this was that the characters generally don't seem to be talking to one another, but stating what they will do without actually discussing it. This, and the fact that the characters are quite hard to tell apart from the extract, gives the impression that there is only really one mind here and the characters are all different facets of it. Dave's lack of enthusiasm for the potato-peeling is a nice touch, because it shows that there isn't an equal level of enthusiasm here, which makes it feel less like the Famous Five (sorry if that seems unkind, but jolly and competent children always remind me of Enid).

I agree with the Judge on the dialogue attribution, but this could be solved pretty easily. My own policy is to use "said" as the default, "asked" and "replied" to break up monotony every so often, and most of the other words as "special effects".

 

[Nik]

I was just about to post a substantially revised version when I realised it is *still* too dialogue heavy.

I think it needs to sit for a few days...

 

[Nik]

Does this flow better ??

With apologies to The Judge etc, I've been whittling and tweaking the dialogue, trying to improve it. Okay, there's now more rather than less, but does it flow better ?

( The breakfast banter is followed by a slab of dialogue-free exposition. At least that isn't an issue... ;-)
===

Day 18 Monday
================ Pleisto_0022f

"Morning, Mister Mike !" Alys greeted me with a cup of hot water. "Nice, bright day !"

"Uh..." I'd been dreaming of yesterday's wolf attack. Shaking my head helped slough their converging fangs. Then I tried to move. I considered myself fit, but hauling the heavy end of that deer had left me stiff. I had to wriggle part-way from my sleeping bag before I could sit up and take the cup. "Thank you."

"There's some delicious soup for breakfast." Jenny was stirring a fragrant kettle on the hearth. "Won't be long now..."

After drinking my water, I fumbled my way into clean smalls inside the sleeping bag then pulled on my pants and wriggled out of my bivvy tent.

Sue clambered into the cave, sniffed the air. "Wow ! That gets better and better !" Finding a seat on the lower bench, she waved across. "What are your plans today, Mister Mike ?"

"Some of that soup, I hope, Sue." It earned me a nod from Jenny. "Then take a look at the off-cuts, see if I can spot the makings of a ladle."

"How do you plan to do that ?" I'd piqued Henry's curiosity.

"Look for an angled side-branch off a stem that's the diameter of the bowl."

"As simple as that..."

"Please..." Jenny brandished her soup spoon. "And some spatulas, if you could ?"

"No problem..."

"You must spend your night watches thinking how to make stuff !" She grinned. "I had so much fun turning that bowl !"

"Uh-huh." The time with the pole-lathe had clearly given her a new perspective.

"Well, O and I are making nettle soup." Alys pointed to a bowl with a mess of greens. "They're squashing down really well !"

O and Dave emerged from their tent and stretched. O sniffed the air, said, "That smells good !"

"Yeah !" Dave agreed. "It really does smell good !"

Jenny nodded across to Alys, got a grin by return then repeated, "Won't be long now..."

We found seats, held out our cups for the soup. It tasted as good as it smelled, was filling and welcome. Between mouthfuls, I asked, "Any-one else dream of wolves ?" O, Henry and Sue nodded by turn.

"We must do something about them."

"Dave, they must come to us." O had a hunter's instincts.

"We're culling the aggressive ones," Henry stated. "Think of it as evolution in action--"

"They're going to get real hungry before they get smart," Dave muttered.

"And lame wolves may be desperate." I nodded, then changed the subject. "What are we doing today ? Hopefully, I'm carving a ladle."

"Dave and I are part-filling the potato barrel," Henry said.

"Uh-huh." Dave looked less than delighted.

O grinned, said, "I have kitchen duty, mashing nettles."

"I need to practise throwing the bolas," Sue grumbled.

Jenny called across. "D'you mind if I tackle another bowl, Mister Mike ?"

"You're very welcome, Jenny ! I'm so glad you've found the knack."

"I just hope the clay works out..." She went around, filling our cups with hot water.

Henry waved for attention, asked, "Tomorrow, may we glean more poles ? We need more spears."

"Yeah, lots..." Sue shivered. "That pack got too close for comfort..."

"How about starting a shelter for the latrine ?" Alys offered.

"And a thickening tray for the clay ?" Jenny asked. "Uh, how did your baked stones turn out, Mister Mike ?"

"Not the slightest sizzle. Lime needs a kiln's heat."

"Which needs a lot of dried timber..." Dave called it correctly.

"Lots and lots..." Those hungry wolves were going to be a problem. Fire-wood collections would need a party of three at least, who must carry spears, too. Perhaps I could help there. "I'm not sure if it is worth the trouble, but I could put fat wheels on a travois' cross-beam."

"Ooh !" Sue sat up. "So it rolls when it can ?"

"Like an over-grown wheel-barrow ?" Henry wondered.

"Or something off The Flintstones ?" Jenny quipped.

"That could be a help." Sue nodded.

"Of course, we'd have to haul the makings..." Dave had a point.

"We've cut back a bunch of trees on this side of the gorge," Alys reminded us. "We've not touched the far side-- Why don't we build the kiln on the other bank ?"

We looked to each other until Sue asked, "Take the alloy ladder around and make a long day of it ?"

"Two days." I had no illusions of the quantities involved. "Leave the ladder there over-night."

"Poll anything that's not fruit or nut-bearing ?"

"That's the plan, Henry."

"But not before the next hunt, Mister Mike ?"

"Fair enough, O. Big difference from hauling bundles of poles to truckin' timber."

"Too right !" Dave relaxed slightly.

"If the weather is good, we could fetch in more poles tomorrow." O made it official.

"I'd like to come." Alys sat up. "I'd love a chance to stretch my legs."

"Me, too," Dave said.

"Looks like it's you and me in the kitchen, Henry !" Jenny grinned, pouring another round of hot water.

"Yes, Ma'am !" He tossed off a neat salute.

 

[ctg]

To be honest, and to agree you biggest fear, it flows much better. But, in places (two times) it repetitious. However you can get away with it. And I'm not going to point them out as I don't know how important these bits of information are to your story. So, what is important is your cut feeling. As long as you're happy then it's good.

 

[J Riff]

Yup, reads better. Still wonder what's a bivvy, must be an English term, like smalls... underwear ? but I've never heard em' called that.

 

[Precise Calibre]

It reads far better this time, much tidier, though some of the dialog appears to still be orphaned.

"As simple as that..."

----

"No problem..."

----

"Poll anything that's not fruit or nut-bearing ?"

"That's the plan, Henry."

"But not before the next hunt, Mister Mike ?"

"Fair enough, O. Big difference from hauling bundles of poles to truckin' timber."

I can assume who's speaking based on context, but rapid back-and-forths like that don't strike my fancy unless there are two, and only two, characters present and speaking.

Oddly enough, though, I'm actually interested in what's going on, even with such a (relatively) mundane scene. Keep it up!



To J Riff - "bivvy" probably refers to Bivouac shelter - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

[Nik]

Thanks, all !

As you've noticed, I have *ghastly* problems with dialogue. Learning from SFF critiques, I've almost brought punctuation under control. Sadly, getting rid of my over-enthusiastic 'saidisms' may have taken me too far the other way. This is probably the wrong forum to explore generic substitutes and ploys, but I expect an unattributed reply defaults to the other speaker unless context is otherwise.

Else...

"As simple as that..." Henry murmurred.

----

"No problem..." I grinned.

--------

"Poll anything that's not fruit or nut-bearing ?" Henry asked.

"That's the plan." I said.

"But not before the next hunt, Mister Mike ?" O was justly concerned.

"Fair enough, " I nodded. "Big difference from hauling bundles of poles to truckin' timber."

---
Is this what you'd expect ??