I'd be interested to know what the Donald POV is like, and whether the starting point HB suggests (smart idea to fix the issues of tension), would be implemented in that rewrite?
Emma
Hopefully there are aspects of this that work and I'm not just making the same mistakes with a slightly different packaging.
Where Donald shoots his mouth off and has to live up to his word.
With a clank and a hiss, the trolley car took off down Pompey Boulevarde, its single steam piston chugging. Donald looked from the black enamelled boiler at the front, bell shaped and visible through the driver’s window, to the passengers who had just climbed on.
Among them was Tiberius, a dark haired thirteen year old in Donald’s class. Noticing Donald, he nodded and said, “Hello, Skyhigh!”
“Morning, Tiberius!” Donald said with a nod. Tiberius came over, hands held out ready to clutch a seat back if the trolley car rocked too hard.
He sat down next to Donald, looked him up and down and grinned. “Living up to your nickname, I see.”
Donald rolled his eyes. “Well it’s no worse than the way you dress,” he said, glancing at Tiberius’s pleated trousers belted low around the hips and tucked into a pair of boots.
“Yeah, but no one’s gonna bully me because of the way I dress.”
Donald shrugged. “So I should dress down? To please morons?”
Tiberius shrugged and shut his mouth. Donald looked out the window again and gazed at the statues as they rolled into the town square and stopped.
A large bronze of Vercingetorix stood on a pile of corpses, surrounded by ravens, gazing towards the south and holding Caesar the Upstart’s head on a spear.
An armoured statue of the empress, Boadicea the Fifth held an imperial banner with SPQR emblazoned on it and in her right hand, she held the head of Attila the Hun by its hair.
People were gathered around the plinth of Boadicea’s statue. It looked like there was about to be a demonstration. Statues of Boadicea the Fifth, otherwise known as ‘the Great Liberator’ were often used as a rallying point.
Donald did a double take as a young woman stood up on a soap box before it.
She had knee length boots and an elegant, knee length skirt. A brocade waistcoat accentuated her breasts and narrow waist. Her hair, in natural ringlets of gold shifted in the breeze as she held up a placard.
Repeal the Lex Virlupinus!
“What are they on about?” said Tiberius as the trolleycar took off again.
“Maybe they think it’s discriminatory,” said Donald, glancing at Tiberius and turning in his seat to look at the woman. They passed out of view.
“I didn’t know there was a special set of laws about werewolves,” said Tiberius.
“No one bothers with it,” said Donald. “Maybe it’s just the principle that annoys them.”
“Do you reckon she has golden fur when she changes?”
“Of course,” said Donald. “My uncle on mum’s side had red hair and when he changed, his fur was always red ... well, reddish anyway.”
“You know Odo and Gaius are leaving?”
“Why?”
“Apprenticeships,” said Tiberius.
“Who’d have those halfwits?” Donald said.
“Carpenters’ guild.”
“Right,” said Donald. “I bet their old man pulled some strings.”
“Probably,” said Tiberius. “Apparently they’re gonna give you a goodbye beating.”
“Ha!” said Donald. “They’re always going to ... never get around to it though.”
“Nah,” said Tiberius. “Not while their old man’s a teacher, anyway.”
Donald nodded and looked out the window. Rocking its way past the alchemists’ guild house, a hardware shop and the temple of Ares, the trolley car slowed and pulled to a halt.
Tiberius looked at the door, jumped up from his seat and moved away.
Donald clicked his tongue and looked at the door. A couple of older boys from their school were getting on. One of them noticed Donald and nudged his companion.
“Look at that!” he said with a sneer.
They sat across from Donald and started commenting as the trolleycar took off.
They were trying to make him feel self conscious and they were succeeding, but he wasn’t going to let them know.
“Hey Sky! I’m talking to you,” said one of them after a minute or so.
Donald looked over at the red haired boy whose name was Cinna. “Yes, Cinna?”
“Do your
mummy and daddy make you dress like that?” Cinna said with his lip curled. “Like a little golden prince?”
The curled lip reminded Donald of a mongrel dog. He shook his head.
“What? You mean you actually like dressing like that?”
It was tempting to lie.
Mum and Dad force me to dress like this but deep down, I’m really a casual sort of guy! And I don’t do homework either! And I don’t like books!
He glanced down at himself. His shirt was crisply ironed and had a collar. His pinstriped shorts were close fitting with a long fly and an ultra high waist. They came up well above his navel. His suspenders and short tie matched.
He looked at Cinna whose lip was still curled. Cinna’s pale face was the colour of a cheap toilet bowl and the orangey freckles spattered all over it, looked like the aftermath of a bad curry.
“Yeah! I bloody well do! I like dressing like this! What’s it to you?”
“What did you say?” Cinna replied, curling his lip even more. “Eh? What was that?”
“You heard!” Donald said with a glare. “And what’s with the lip?”
“You two boys should be ashamed of yourselves,” said an elderly man from several seats away. “Why don’t you leave him alone?”
That shut them up.
Donald glanced at Tiberius, several seats away. Suddenly, he was unable to make eye contact. Donald let out his breath and looked out the window. The stone shop fronts had given way to stone fences and houses set further back and this part of Pompey Boulevard was lined with oaks.
Donald and the other boys all got to their feet as the trolleycar started to slow. A couple of minutes later, they were walking towards the stone gate of their school and the trolleycar disappeared around a bend where Pompey Boulevard turned to follow a river.
A sandy haired twelve year old, practically Donald’s twin, stood waiting for him with a girl in their class named Rufina.
“Nathan! Rufina!” said Donald, breaking into a smile.
“Hi, Donald!” they both said.
“Pansy!” said a voice by his ear. A shove on his shoulder made him stumble. Cinna walked past with his friend, looked back and sniggered as Donald managed to regain his balance.
Rufina glared at them and looked them up and down with contempt as Cinna swaggered past.
“Bastards!” she said.
“Drop on your head!” Cinna replied and cackled at his wit.
“Nice start to the day,” Nathan said as Donald joined them.
“Yeah, tell me about it!” said Donald shaking his head. “I’ve been copping it all the way ...”
“Donald!” said Rufina, stepping forward and putting on her best severe look. “You and Nathan should take the day off!”
“Yeah, right!” said Donald. “And miss the excursion? Not a hope!”
“Odo and Gaius are going to beat you up today,” said Nathan.
“I swear by Apollo,” said Donald. “I’m not going to hide from those cretins and I’m not missing one minute of school because of them, either.”
“Bloody hell, mate!” said Nathan. “You’ve blown it.”
Donald clicked his tongue. “Blown what? What do you mean?”
“You shouldn’t go back on an oath like that,” said Rufina.
“What makes you think I’m going to?” said Donald, unbuttoning one of the sleeves on his fawn shirt and rolling it up. “I’m not a coward, you know. Besides, didn’t their old man nearly lose his job because of them?”
“That’s just it,” said Nathan. “Today’s his last day.”
“Theirs too,” said Rufina. “They’re off to do apprenticeships. They want to give you something to remember them by.”
Donald raised an eyebrow and stared at Nathan and Rufina. “Uh oh!”
“Yeah!” said Nathan. “And you’ve just sworn ...”
“All right, mate! I see the picture.” said Donald, looking a bit pale. He unbuttoned his other sleeve and rolled it up as well. Checking the sleeves to make sure they looked neat and sat evenly, just above his elbows, he sighed. “Wish I’d kept my mouth shut for half a minute!”
“Donald, you didn’t know...”
“And you can break a vow when it’s life or death,” said Rufina. “Everyone knows that!”
“It’s not life or death,” said Donald. “So, I’m keeping the vow.”
“Right then,” said Donald, “that’s today sorted. Are we going in?”
“All right,” said Nathan.
“You should change ...” said Rufina and stopped as Donald stepped past into the school quadrangle. “Your mind,” she said and exchanged a resigned look with Nathan.
They followed him into the school building, a three level structure of grey stone with arched doors and gabled windows.
“So where are we gathering?” Nathan asked Rufina.
“Classroom!” said Rufina. “It’s just the second and third years that are going. Don’t you ever listen?”
