WINDS: Something darker -- 1000 words

[Teresa Edgerton]

If it's of any help, it's been proven that people who are clinically depressed do see things quite literally in greyer tones than people in a more healthy state of mind, their brains don't process colours in the same fashion. I noticed there was no sensory information given in the piece, beyond obvious sight and sound, so I imagine you already have picked up on that anyway.

Some of us don't process things that would otherwise bring about emotional responses in the same way we used to, either.

And yes, there are chapters of previous stuff that explain a lot of things that might seem odd about his situation. Obviously, this is not the place for a long summary of events in Book #2.

 

[Karn Maeshalanadae]

Either I understood this passage better because I've recently read the first two volumes, or I've missed something in the way this is setup, because it actually made a good amount of sense to me throughout....

 

[Boneman]

And that's a very good point: I am coming at this with the previous books unread, so I can only judge it on its own merits.

If Cuillioc has been sent there to have his will broken, is it working? At the moment, the conditions in the mine don't seem to be happening to him, he seems to be observing them, and actually he's getting stronger, his leg is mending and his punishments are less than the other slaves. Surely close attention would be paid to him, Vaz would order 'special' treatment, and it wouldn't be lesser punishment, it would be more? But monitored so they don't actually kill him?

I think if I saw Cuillioc more reduced, then I'd believe it. (And the piece I wrote would go, because he's too positive by far...). The para below has no sense of reduction/degredation/exhaustion in it. Cuillioc is surviving, and the reader may not actually believe that pain of 'strained muscles' will not overcome exhaustion - if you're truly exhausted, pain will not keep you awake, you'll slump into a stupor. He should be an automaton by now, barely surviving, driven only by a very faint will to live. By all means have the detached narrative, but I think more description of what Cuillioc is undergoing will help.

Yet for Cuillioc sleep was not always possible, as exhaustion competed with the pain of strained muscles when the labor had been particularly arduous. How many days and week passed in this way he had no way of counting.

Oh, if the rumbling is an earthquake, that's fine, but maybe have the earth shake a little around them and dust to fall, whilst they're all in terror that it's going to be their shaft that will collapse.

 

[HareBrain]

HareBrain, things do happen to him in the mine, and some are very significant. But just not in that first bit I posted here. For one thing, he's being ostracized and he's not eager to communicate anyway. If the consensus is to cut it, I would rather do that then make up scenes that really won't matter in the end. That would be my last resort. I am, as I said at the beginning, giving that some consideration, but I won't do it unless there is no better solution.

If this is just a first section of several in the mines, then maybe some of the stuff in this bit could be saved until later? I think my problem with it is that at present it feels like an overview, a sort of summarised interlude, before we move on to other things. It's difficult to judge out of context -- it might even be something as trivial as that final "At last" that made it feel to me that we were done with this place.

I think a deeper immersion in his POV, which others have given some good advice on, would help. Maybe pick a couple of specific instances of pain, even of detachment, rather than summarise them.

Some interesting difficulties you're wrestling with here. I hope we can see a revised version.

 

[J-WO]

Gripped me from beginning to finish. Not info-dumpy at all- more like a little story within the greater novel that feeds the reader info without them barely knowing it.

I really felt I was down that mine. It was fascinatingly grim and the sense of time passing without count was both convincing and tainted with a feint delirium.

Brilliant. So much so, that my only prob with it was when the Prince finally got out. I'd like to have seen a bit more shock--I'm only talking a sentence or two more. Its practically there as is. It'd really reinforce the idea that Prince C has been dealt an extremely nasty hand.

But a tiny quibble, really, when I consider the whole hooked my eyeballs for the entire 1000 words.

 

[J Riff]

Tales of mine cave-ins are horrific stuff, even if zombies don't show up. Cullioc could have turned into Gollum if they kept him there.

 

[Jane Holland]

Okay, first attempt at a critique here.

It seems to me that you're asking only one question with this excerpt, which is, is this too info-heavy? I don't think it is, no. But it is narrative-heavy. The problem you face with narrative-heavy sections like these is the old rule of show, don't tell. Boneman hit it on the head when he said you need to expand one of these mentioned incidents into a scene, only it doesn't need to be as long as he suggests. That would unnecessarily spin out a sequence which is clearly intended as a passage of time montage, not a significant episode in itself.

All you need is to find a place within the narrative where a single powerful word or short line of dialogue could be inserted. Something as simple as 'Look out!' at a climactic moment - such as when the roof falls - would be enough to animate the narrative and give it additional movement and colour. That's just an example; obviously, you would need to choose something that fits the overall tone.

The 'lamed healed' line stuck out for me too. I had to read it twice. But that slight awkwardness of diction feels like part of the character's narrative style. Hard to tell, not having read anything else from this story.

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

The problem you face with narrative-heavy sections like these is the old rule of show, don't tell.

Yes, that was my concern. I've figured out a few ways to address it in this particular chapter since I posted the excerpt. It will probably take some more mulling over, while I go through and continue my revisions of the chapters that follow.

The "lamed healed" line was actually a very late addition. It's not one of those lines I've had months to obsess over, and now that I've had time to think about it I may take it out entirely.

And welcome to the Critiques forum, Jane.

I'd like to have seen a bit more shock--I'm only talking a sentence or two more. Its practically there as is. It'd really reinforce the idea that Prince C has been dealt an extremely nasty hand.

Do you mean shock at getting out at all, or sort of a physical and mental shock at the change in his surroundings? If the former, he already knew it would happen eventually, since Lord Vaz meant to break down his resistance before interrogating him further. If the latter ... yes, I can see how that would add something.

 

[J-WO]

The latter. Sorry, I should have been clearer--the former came across perfectly well in the narrative. No problem there.

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

Well, it's a good idea. I am pondering it.