In the begining... (again) (1k words)

[Xelah]

I'd still like to see this published someday, so here we go again. Feel free to be brutal.

__________________________________

Wolf teeth snapped and gnashed behind me. I probably should have been wondering where the other two wolves went; only two were behind me. All I could think about though, was whether or not any wolf slobber got on me. You'd understand if you've ever been slobbered on by a wolf. It's unpleasant.

Park benches, hedges, and low fences blurred beneath me. Occasionally, I'd hear a sudden thump followed by pained yipping. Past the playground, I risked a peek behind me. In the dim, one in the morning light, I could only see one wolf.

I raced for a concrete perimeter wall; too tall for the wolves to jump. My breath came in more ragged gasps. My legs burned as I kicked my way up the wall. Once at the top, I turned back to the single wolf still chomping at my ankles. Without me thinking, my hand took it upon itself to make a vulgar gesture before I hopped off to freedom.

And by freedom, I mean right into the middle of the other two wolves. I ducked just in time to not have my jugular ripped out. A quick jump took me over a set of newspaper machines into the street. Then a late night bus gave me an extra split second to get away.

They were still after me as I crossed into a construction site; some nearly complete ten story apartment complex. Up the scaffolding, my many hours of parkour training started to pay off. Below, the wolves had to stop, but only for a moment.

I could already hear them shifting to what I call mid-form. It's the not quite man, not quite animal, look that you see in monster movies. I mentioned these were werewolves, right? Somewhere around the fourth floor, I started to wish they were just monster movie werewolves. At least those wouldn't take it so personally when you try sleeping with their sister and have given up already.

The larger of the two was nipping at my heels again somewhere around the seventh floor. I had to slow my ascent to watch and occasionally kick. Claws shredded my jeans and I lost a shoe. By the ninth floor, I knew I wasn't going to make it to the roof.

Without any warning, I let go of the scaffolding and just dropped. The bigger wolf slashed at me as I passed. The smaller started to slash, but my feet to her face sent her tumbling down. She was too nimble to fall all the way to the ground, but she fell pretty far.

The bigger wolf dove after me. I caught myself after a couple floors, almost ripping my arms from their sockets. This wolf, had none of the his pack mate's nimbleness and could do nothing but howl as he plummeted past. He did manage to catch himself somewhere, but I didn't stop to look until I made it to the roof.

Once there, I had to stop and catch my breath. The smaller wolf had broken off the chase and climbed down, but not the larger.

I darted through a door that took me into a stairwell. I jumped from floor landing to floor landing, not bothering with stairs. At the third floor, I crashed into a cleaner's cart and swiped a bottle of bleach. Once at the ground, I dumped the bleach all over the floor and tossed the bottle. Now for part two... I've never been able to do this in public. I bounced up and down on my toes. Maybe I should think about baseball? No, that's for sex.

Above me, I could hear the wolf charging down. I glanced up to see him looking back down from eight floors up. Great, I've never been able to do this while someone is watching either. I struggled with mental imagery of running water and waterfalls until- Oh, there we go.

Small bubbles formed in the bleach and little wisps of yellowy-green smoke trailed outward. I braced myself on the other side of the door leading out of the stairwell and held it shut. I think it was the Romans that discovered that the body produces ammonia naturally. The warning label on bottles of bleach tell you not to mix those two. This little bit of hydrazine and chlorine gas isn’t likely to kill a full-grown werewolf, but it would burn the inside of his nose and keep him from tracking me any further.

Around the time I started to worry that the wolf might have taken a different path down, I heard a thud on the other side of the door. I tightened my grip, braced harder against the wall, and held on with all my might. It took a few seconds, but snarls of rage gave way to coughs and shrieks of pain.
I held onto the door for a couple seconds after it stopped rattling for good measure, then covered my eyes and nose, and darted out the fire exit in the stairwell. The door was already open from when the wolf stumbled out. I spotted him a few feet outside pawing at his eyes and coughing. With all the force I could muster, I kicked the werewolf in the stomach, which brought the already winded brute to his knees.

“Stop rubbing your eyes Carlos, you’re only making it worse.”

The smaller wolf from earlier ran over, but didn't close in for a fight. An uncomfortable silence fell over the small gathering as we stared each other in the eye. Finally, she looked away to her mate.

“He needs water in his eyes and pure oxygen if you've got any.”

She looked back to me and growled.

“You can keep chasing me across Houston, or you can let him go blind. Your call.”

After a bit more growling, she knelt and hoisted her mate onto one shoulder. As she trotted off, I smiled in a triumphant, coyote-like manner.

With my clothes ripped and bloody, I wouldn't be able to catch a bus. So, I shed the clothes and shifted to my own animal form. Nobody would care if they saw a coyote roaming the streets at midnight. Thousands of them live in the Houston area, but I've got no idea how many are shape shifters.

 

[Sapheron]

Haven't got time to go into depth now, but had a quick read and might be able to find some time later.

As a heads up though, spelling the title wrong isn't a good start!

 

[Xelah]

=/ ouch.

I will not start threads after bed time...

Title aside, the rest was written during my normal hours.

 

[The Judge]

I liked it, Xelah. It had pace and action and humour, and I think is perfect for an opening. I recognised the scene with the block from when you first put it up, but I don't recall the first few paras. New or not, I thought they led in very well.

I don't have time for a nit-picky critique, but I think in places the piece needs smoothing a little, both in language use and in the way things happen.

eg for language use I probably should have been wondering where the other two wolves went -- the "went" should be "had gone" (though I appreciate this might be an Americanism). Try to slow down and edit a little more.

eg for what's happening Now for part two... -- if you had him unzipping his fly that would have been a far bigger clue to what was happening than all the thoughts. I think you need to go through carefully and try to read it as if you were coming to it the first time and had no idea what was going on.

But overall, very good to my mind.

 

[Nik]

That's tight and well paced. It isn't my usual fare, but I liked it.

I gathered he was 'not entirely human' from his antics on the scaffolding...

 

[alchemist]

I'd still like to see this published someday, so here we go again. Feel free to be brutal.

__________________________________

Wolf teeth snapped and gnashed behind me. I probably should have been wondering where the other two wolves went as The Judge said, should be "had gone" ; only two were behind me....

...Park benches, hedges, and low fences blurred beneath me. Occasionally, I'd hear a sudden thump followed by pained yipping. Past the playground, I risked a peek behind me. In the dim, one in the morning light, I could only see one wolf. This confused me until I realised you meant 1am; could be rephrased. Is there any light at 1am?

I raced for a concrete perimeter wall; too tall for the wolves to jump. My breath came in more ragged gasps. My legs burned as I kicked my way up the wall. Once at the top, I turned back to the single wolf still chomping at my ankles. Without me (delete the me?) thinking, my hand took it upon itself to make a vulgar gesture before I hopped off to freedom...

They were still after me as I crossed into a construction site; some nearly complete ten story (storey? Maybe it's a trans-atlantic issue) apartment complex. Up the scaffolding, my many hours of parkour training started to pay off. Below, the wolves had to stop, but only for a moment.

I could already hear them shifting to what I call mid-form (is this your character's own term, or is it an established term in the shapeshifting community, in which case it could be rephrased) . It's the not quite man, not quite animal, look that you see in monster movies. I mentioned these were werewolves, right? Somewhere around the fourth floor, I started to wish they were just monster movie werewolves. At least those wouldn't take it so personally when you try sleeping with their sister and have given up already...

That's all quibbling.

I liked it a lot. Fast-paced with good visual imagery, and it easily establishes some of the protagonist's personality traits.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

I have issues I'm afraid.

The last thing I would worry about is being slobbered by a wolf. It's the teeth I'd be worried about.

I would doubt a man would be able to get over a wall that was high enough to stop a wolf although maybe I'm wrong. Trees are the traditional safe place.

Also the wolf would catch him long before he got to the wall if he could see it in the dark.

Starlight/moonlight would help the vision thing - Moonlight adds that extra fear I think.

I liked the hand took it upon itself line but it didn't quite get the full impact. Can't think how to improve it but it's worth persuing.

Had to eave it there - sorry.

Hope I helped

TEiN

 

[Droflet]

Hello Xelah,
Yeah, this is a good yarn. The other crits have covered the highs and lows so I'll just say this. If he is strong enough and fast enough to outpace a werewolf perhaps hinting at why wouldn't be a bad idea. I know you don't want to spoil the ending but... just something that popped into my head. Good luck with the rewrite.

 

[beadchaser]

The urine/bleach thing is clever. Found that urine and bleach are bad when mixed together by accident (cat pee, not human, and I didn't see green/yellow smoke, but rather white bubbles before I realized what I'd done and ran from the room)

"Story" is correct if you're in the US. Only time I've ever seen "Storey" was as a last name.

There's a couple of semi-colons that seem out of place. The phrases they connect are not complete sentences.

 

[J Riff]

Should 'not-quite-man, not-quite-aminal' be hyphenated?
Wolf teeth...wolf's teeth ...wolve's teeth... wolf-slobber?

Very good and funny too!

Wolf teeth snapped and gnashed behind me. I probably should have been worried about where the other two wolves had gone, but all I cared about, besides running, was whether any wolf slobber was getting on me. You'll understand if you've ever been slobbered on by a wolf. It's unpleasant.

Park benches, hedges, and low fences blurred beneath me. Occasionally, I heard a thump followed by pained yipping as they crashed into things behind me. (in the dim light of one A.M.)
Passing the playground, I risked a peek back. Only one wolf now, but many gnashing teeth. I raced for a concrete perimeter wall, too high for it to jump. My breath came in ragged gasps and my legs ached as I scrambled up the wall. At the top I turned back to the wolf leaping up at my ankles. Without thinking, my hand took it upon itself to make a vulgar gesture before I hopped off the other side to freedom.

By freedom, I mean right in between the other two wolves. I ducked just in time to not have my jugular ripped out. A quick jump took me over a pair of newspaper machines and into the street, where a passing bus gave me a few extra seconds to gain some ground.

They were still after me as I raced into a construction site, a nearly-complete ten-story apartment complex. Up the scaffolding I went, my many hours of parkour (?) training starting to pay off. Below, the wolves had to stop, but only for an instant.

 

[ctg]

I'd still like to see this published someday, so here we go again. Feel free to be brutal.

All right.

Wolf teeth snapped and gnashed behind me. I probably should have been wondering where the other two wolves went; only two were behind me. All I could think about though, was whether or not any wolf slobber got on me. You'd understand if you've ever been slobbered on by a wolf. It's unpleasant.

Repetitious. In the fast scene keep up the pace and do not repeat the words. Like the others has said, think about the last two sentences.

Park benches, hedges, and low fences blurred beneath me. Occasionally, I'd hear a sudden thump followed by pained yipping. Past the playground, I risked a peek behind me. In the dim, one in the morning light, I could only see one wolf.

Show us in the last line. You peek over your shoulder, and you see what? Don't just tell us a wolf, use the exposition to give a smallish description.

I raced for a concrete perimeter wall; too tall for the wolves to jump. My breath came in more ragged gasps. My legs burned as I kicked my way up the wall. Once at the top, I turned back to the single wolf still chomping at my ankles. Without me thinking, my hand took it upon itself to make a vulgar gesture before I hopped off to freedom.

I've seen dogs jumping over two and half meter tall fences, and if this more powerful werewolf want to get over it after chasing you over the fields, then I bet they would have momentum to get over there. But then again, you could use that to your advantage and let the 'dog' fly over you to the other side.

And by freedom, I mean right into the middle of the other two wolves. I ducked just in time to not have my jugular ripped out. A quick jump took me over a set of newspaper machines into the street. Then a late night bus gave me an extra split second to get away.

Slow down the pace. Let him catch breath for a second and two as he walks off from the wolf to only encounter two of them in a trap. When you trigger it, pick up the pace and fly again.

With the bus encounter use a visual describition and few thoughts. Let the narrative to take the reader in the head of coyote as he catches a breath and think his next move. In the action you should allow yourself a bit more freedom them writing in the feelings. Use thoughts and spoken taunts to your advantage.

They were still after me as I crossed into a construction site; some nearly complete ten story apartment complex. Up the scaffolding, my many hours of parkour training started to pay off. Below, the wolves had to stop, but only for a moment.

A wee bit of showing of what you mean with the parkour training. How does he do it? Write in the smallest possible description.

I could already hear them shifting to what I call mid-form. It's the not quite man, not quite animal, look that you see in monster movies. I mentioned these were werewolves, right? Somewhere around the fourth floor, I started to wish they were just monster movie werewolves. At least those wouldn't take it so personally when you try sleeping with their sister and have given up already.

High up in the sevent floor I could hear below me (writing in the description). You see they are not quite what you see in the monster movies. Would they have been and this would had been an easy job. Or am I wrong? Would you have thought that movie versions would take it easy if they would find out you slept with their sister...

"Write in the dialogue line", I shouted to them.

Of course it did't work. So I climbed to the sevent floor and peeked over the railings (write in the a small fight and then him dropping down)

The larger of the two was nipping at my heels again somewhere around the seventh floor. I had to slow my ascent to watch and occasionally kick. Claws shredded my jeans and I lost a shoe. By the ninth floor, I knew I wasn't going to make it to the roof.

Without any warning, I let go of the scaffolding and just dropped. The bigger wolf slashed at me as I passed. The smaller started to slash, but my feet to her face sent her tumbling down. She was too nimble to fall all the way to the ground, but she fell pretty far.

The bigger wolf dove after me. I caught myself after a couple floors, almost ripping my arms from their sockets. This wolf, had none of the his pack mate's nimbleness and could do nothing but howl as he plummeted past. He did manage to catch himself somewhere, but I didn't stop to look until I made it to the roof.

Once there, I had to stop and catch my breath. The smaller wolf had broken off the chase and climbed down, but not the larger.

I darted through a door that took me into a stairwell. I jumped from floor landing to floor landing, not bothering with stairs. At the third floor, I crashed into a cleaner's cart and swiped a bottle of bleach. Once at the ground, I dumped the bleach all over the floor and tossed the bottle.

Don't delete use them in the rewrite.

Now for part two... I've never been able to do this in public. I bounced up and down on my toes. Maybe I should think about baseball? No, that's for sex.

Above me, I could hear the wolf charging down. I glanced up to see him looking back down from eight floors up. Great, I've never been able to do this while someone is watching either. I struggled with mental imagery of running water and waterfalls until- Oh, there we go.

Small bubbles formed in the bleach and little wisps of yellowy-green smoke trailed outward. I braced myself on the other side of the door leading out of the stairwell and held it shut. I think it was the Romans that discovered that the body produces ammonia naturally. The warning label on bottles of bleach tell you not to mix those two. This little bit of hydrazine and chlorine gas isn’t likely to kill a full-grown werewolf, but it would burn the inside of his nose and keep him from tracking me any further.

Around the time I started to worry that the wolf might have taken a different path down, I heard a thud on the other side of the door. I tightened my grip, braced harder against the wall, and held on with all my might. It took a few seconds, but snarls of rage gave way to coughs and shrieks of pain.
I held onto the door for a couple seconds after it stopped rattling for good measure, then covered my eyes and nose, and darted out the fire exit in the stairwell. The door was already open from when the wolf stumbled out. I spotted him a few feet outside pawing at his eyes and coughing. With all the force I could muster, I kicked the werewolf in the stomach, which brought the already winded brute to his knees.

Slow down the pace a wee bit. Let the character thoughts guide you. Don't delete.

“Stop rubbing your eyes Carlos, you’re only making it worse.”

Needs a small description.


The smaller wolf from earlier ran over, but didn't close in for a fight. An uncomfortable silence fell over the small gathering as we stared each other in the eye. Finally, she looked away to her mate.

I sighed. They never learn... “He needs water in his eyes and pure oxygen if you've got any.”

She looked back to me and growled.

I shot my hand in the air and said, “You can keep chasing me across Houston, or you can let him go blind. It's Your call.”

Slow down the pace even more. Let the dialogue lead you to the narrative.

 

[Boneman]

I'd still like to see this published someday, so here we go again. Feel free to be brutal.

I'll say straight off that I liked it a lot: I liked it a lot. I wasn't that bothered by the height of the wall because you'd told us it was one the wolves couldn't manage, and I'm assuming that kicking himself up, is one of those urban street doodahs like the one James Bond chased at the beginning of Casino Royale. I did like the mixture of laconic humour and coolness by the hero. I'm probably repeating what others have said, and it's mostly nitpicking, but here goes:

__________________________________

Wolf teeth snapped and gnashed behind me. I probably should have been wondering where the other two wolves went; only two were behind me. All I could think about thoughI'd drop the 'though', was whether or not any wolf slobber got on me. You'd understand if you've ever been slobbered on by a wolf. It's unpleasant.

Park benches, hedges, and low fences blurred beneath me. Occasionally, I'd hear a sudden thump followed by pained yipping. Past the playground, I risked a peek behind me. In the dim, one in the morning light,Yeah this, needs changing I thought "One what? One wolf?" It was only when I read others' that I realised it was the time... I could only see one wolf.

I raced for a concrete perimeter wall; too tall for the wolves to jump. My breath came in more ragged gasps. My legs burned as I kicked my way up the wall. Once at the top, I turned back to the single wolf still chomping at my ankles. Without me thinking, my hand took it upon itself to make a vulgar gesture before I hopped off to freedom.

And by freedom, I mean right into the middle of the other two wolves. I ducked just in time to not have my jugular ripped out. A quick jump took me over a set of newspaper machines into the street. Then a late night bus gave me an extra split second to get away. And great scene setting: without having to describe anything, we know exactly where and when we are...

They were still after me as I crossed into a construction site; some nearly complete ten story apartment complex. This I don't get... some constructed and some not? Or a ten story complex that was partly constructed - it's the Americanism, I guess.. Up the scaffolding, my many hours of parkour training started to pay offErm, maybe I'd go for more urgency here: 'Up the scaffolding, my relentless Parkour training paying off, as I pulled away from them' ??. Below, the wolves had to stop, but only for a moment.

I could already hear(I heard?) them shifting to what I call mid-form. It's the not quite man, not quite animal, look that you see in monster movies.I read this a few times before I realised the 'look' thing, because you've used two descriptions - maybe 'It's the not-quite-man, not-quite-animal look that you see in monster movies' would work better I mentioned these were werewolves, right? Somewhere around the fourth floor, I started to wish they were just monster movie werewolves. At least those wouldn't take it so personally when you try sleeping with their sister and have given up already.This makes it sound like you've given up sleeping with their sister...

The larger of the two was nipping at my heels again somewhere around the seventh floor. I had to slow my ascent to watch and occasionally kick. Claws shredded my jeans and I lost a shoe. By the ninth floor, I knew I wasn't going to make it to the roof.Only one floor to go, and you can't make it? I know there's some great action to follow, maybe make it a 12 floor apartment block?

Without any warning, I let go of the scaffolding and just dropped. The bigger wolf slashed at me as I passed. The smaller started to slash, but my feet to her face sent her tumbling down. She was too nimble to fall all the way to the ground, but she fell pretty far.

The bigger wolf dove after me. I caught myself(? I caught the scaffold) after a couple floors, almost ripping my arms from their sockets. This wolf,remove comma had none of the his pack mate's nimbleness and could do nothing but howl as he plummeted past. He did manage to catch himself somewhere, but I didn't stop to look until I made it to the roof.

Once there, I had to stop and catch my breath. The smaller wolf had broken off the chase and climbed down, but not the larger.

I darted through a door that took me into a stairwell. I jumped from floor landing to floor landing, not bothering with stairs. At the third floor, I crashed into a cleaner's cart and swiped a bottle of bleach. Once at the ground, I dumped the bleach all over the floor and tossed the bottle. Now for part two... I've never been able to do this in public. I bounced up and down on my toes. Maybe I should think about baseball? No, that's for sex.

Above me, I could hear the wolf charging down. I glanced up to see him looking back down from eight floors up. Great, I've never been able to do this while someone is watching either. I struggled with mental imagery of running water and waterfalls until- Oh, there we go.I agree with TJ - just have him unzip his fly - until I read her post I had no idea what was going on here...

Small bubbles formed in the bleach and little wisps of yellowy-green smoke trailed outward. I braced myself on the other side of the door leading out of the stairwell and held it shut. I think it was the Romans that discovered that the body produces ammonia naturally. The warning label on bottles of bleach tell you not to mix those two. This little bit of hydrazine and chlorine gas isn’t likely to kill a full-grown werewolf, but it would burn the inside of his nose and keep him from tracking me any further.

Around the time I started to worry that the wolf might have taken a different path down, I heard a thud on the other side of the door. I tightened my grip, braced harder against the wall, and held on with all my might. It took a few seconds, but snarls of rage gave way to coughs and shrieks of pain.
I held onto the door for a couple seconds after it stopped rattling for good measure, then covered my eyes and nose, and darted out the fire exit in the stairwell. The door was already open from when the wolf stumbled out. I spotted him a few feet outside pawing at his eyes and coughing. With all the force I could muster, I kicked the werewolf in the stomach, which brought the already winded brute to his knees.

“Stop rubbing your eyes Carlos, you’re only making it worse.”

The smaller wolf from earlier ran over, but didn't close in for a fight. An uncomfortable silence fell over the small gathering as we stared each other in the eye. Finally, she looked away to her mate.

“He needs water in his eyes and pure oxygen if you've got any.”Said who?

She looked back to me and growled.

“You can keep chasing me across Houston, or you can let him go blind. Your call.”

After a bit more growling, she knelt and hoisted her mate onto one shoulder. As she trotted off, I smiled in a triumphant, coyote-like manner.

With my clothes ripped and bloody, I wouldn't be able to catch a bus. So, I shed the clothes and shifted to my own animal form. Nobody would care if they saw a coyote roaming the streets at midnight. Thousands of them live in the Houston area, but I've got no idea how many are shape shifters.

As I said, mostly nitpicking... Good stuff, and I want to see more!

 

[Nik]

FWIW, isn't the archetypal Coyote known in Myth & Legend as the Trickster ??

 

[doughm04]

I think that most of the critiques here covered all of my thoughts, but I would like to elaborate a little on the humor factor of your story.

All I could think about though, was whether or not any wolf slobber got on me. You'd understand if you've ever been slobbered on by a wolf. It's unpleasant.

-- I'm not exactly sure if you were trying to use dry humor there, but if you were I think you could make it a little clearer, and possibly carry it through the story. If not, then I think maybe you should consider it, because it made me like your character a lot more based on the relatable factor.


Another part that I wanted to touch on was the believability of him scaling the first wall. --

I raced for a concrete perimeter wall; too tall for the wolves to jump. My breath came in more ragged gasps. My legs burned as I kicked my way up the wall.

--- By the end I understood more as to how he was able to do this (him being a shapeshifter and all) but at the same time I envisioned a concrete slab wall, and the idea of a person just kicking their way up may be somewhat farfetched. I suppose it's possible, but maybe state it being more like concrete blocks instead of a flush wall. In doing that it may make it more believable that there are grooves or insets that would aid him up the wall.

Great, I've never been able to do this while someone is watching either. I struggled with mental imagery of running water and waterfalls until- Oh, there we go.

--- I really thought this passage was clever, though I do agree with what everyone said to make it clearer that he is indeed urinating. I tend to read peoples comments first so I was expecting it, but probably wouldn't have put it together so quickly if I came into the story unaware.

One last thing that somewhat bothered me was that I didn't really get a grasp on any physical characteristics of the main character (I'm also realizing I don't remember his name, or if it was ever stated. It might be helpful to reiterate it a few times just to keep it in the readers head) Overall I would like to have a bit more of a visual of him, and not just his witty personality. That being said I actually enjoyed the piece and would like to get to know this guy and his journey a little more.

 

[Xelah]

eg for what's happening Now for part two... -- if you had him unzipping his fly that would have been a far bigger clue to what was happening than all the thoughts. I think you need to go through carefully and try to read it as if you were coming to it the first time and had no idea what was going on.

Hmmm... I was going for deliberate obfuscation to make it a bit less vulgar, maybe a little overdone.

The last thing I would worry about is being slobbered by a wolf. It's the teeth I'd be worried about.

Unreliable narrator - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I would doubt a man would be able to get over a wall that was high enough to stop a wolf although maybe I'm wrong. Trees are the traditional safe place.

YouTube - Parkour tutorial: WALL HOP
Trees would be certain death since my werewolves can climb trees.

Also the wolf would catch him long before he got to the wall if he could see it in the dark.

Starlight/moonlight would help the vision thing - Moonlight adds that extra fear I think.

The narrator has superhuman sight, hearing, and smelling, in addition to slightly higher than human dexterity and strength. I don't feel that right here is a good spot to launch into an explanation on his superpowers when most of what he's doing it possible.

The urine/bleach thing is clever. Found that urine and bleach are bad when mixed together by accident (cat pee, not human, and I didn't see green/yellow smoke, but rather white bubbles before I realized what I'd done and ran from the room)

Hmmm, I shall have to defer to your knowledge in this area, however wikipedia says that chlorine is greenish yellow, maybe the white bubbles were hydrazine (also toxic)... or maybe not enough chlorine had built up to give off a greenish tint... I dunno. *scratches head*

Should 'not-quite-man, not-quite-aminal' be hyphenated?

probably, I can never tell when hyphens should be used =/ Your other suggestions have been taken into consideration.

FWIW, isn't the archetypal Coyote known in Myth & Legend as the Trickster ??

Also World Shaper, teacher/fool, creator, and hero, story depending. Trickster is probably the most entertaining to tell/hear.

 

[Xelah]

BM&CTG,

I don't have quite the time for detailed replies at the moment, but thanks for the replies none the less.

 

[beadchaser]

Summary: foam was white (like what dish soap makes) , no other colors of gasses were seen when approx 1/4c urine was mixed with 1-2c bleach

Here's what happened, use the info at your own risk:

The house we purchased in 2008 has unsealed pebbletec in the bathroom (think of a layer of 1/2 inch gravel varnished to the floor).. NOT my choice, and we don't have the funds to make it otherwise. You could pour 2L of fluid on it, and it would disappear from the surface immediately, and spread out, drying over time. You can't use a towel to clean up liquids that are spilled on the floor. It goes in, it dries, you get to live with the resultant odor.

The cat, for reasons that are his own, chose to void his bladder right in the middle of the floor. I saw the deed, but could not stop it. Silly me, went for the bleach, thinking that it would prevent mildew that the moisture of the urine would cause, and go a long way to prevent the stink. I poured at least 2-3 cups over the probably 1/4 cup of urine. "Oh wow, neat! Bubbles!" was the first thought that went through my head, quickly followed by "Oh ****! I just mixed bleach and ammonia!" I was in there probably five seconds after I poured the bleach.

 

[Xelah]

I think that most of the critiques here covered all of my thoughts, but I would like to elaborate a little on the humor factor of your story.Sorry, didn't even see this on my first pass. Welcome to the chrons btw.

-- I'm not exactly sure if you were trying to use dry humor there, but if you were I think you could make it a little clearer, and possibly carry it through the story. If not, then I think maybe you should consider it, because it made me like your character a lot more based on the relatable factor.
Hmm... I'm not sure how I could make it clearer in the opening paragraph. It starts off that there are teeth ready to chomp on him, but he's only worried about slobber. It's either sarcasm or mental derangement.

Another part that I wanted to touch on was the believability of him scaling the first wall. -- --- By the end I understood more as to how he was able to do this (him being a shapeshifter and all) but at the same time I envisioned a concrete slab wall, and the idea of a person just kicking their way up may be somewhat farfetched. I suppose it's possible, but maybe state it being more like concrete blocks instead of a flush wall. In doing that it may make it more believable that there are grooves or insets that would aid him up the wall.
Hmmm, probably wouldn't hurt the pace any to make it a textured wall of some sort... or make it the corner section where he has the benefit of two walls.

--- I really thought this passage was clever, though I do agree with what everyone said to make it clearer that he is indeed urinating. I tend to read peoples comments first so I was expecting it, but probably wouldn't have put it together so quickly if I came into the story unaware.
Yeah, was kinda sad that nobody got it, but fortunately I've got a fix already.

One last thing that somewhat bothered me was that I didn't really get a grasp on any physical characteristics of the main character (I'm also realizing I don't remember his name, or if it was ever stated. It might be helpful to reiterate it a few times just to keep it in the readers head) Overall I would like to have a bit more of a visual of him, and not just his witty personality. That being said I actually enjoyed the piece and would like to get to know this guy and his journey a little more.
I never said his name, I'm not sure where I could put it in this scene, except as some sort of mental self encouragement "Come on, Martin! You can do this." Physical description happens when he arrives at a 24 hour animal hospital that knows him.

Yeah this, needs changing I thought "One what? One wolf?" It was only when I read others' that I realised it was the time...
Do Brits just not say "#number# in the morning" to tell time to one another? I'm baffled that this has stalled so many readers thus far. Now I'm starting to doubt myself... would one of the Americans in the readers tell me if this confuses you? =/

This I don't get... some constructed and some not? Or a ten story complex that was partly constructed - it's the Americanism, I guess..
I think I'm just going to start agreeing on Americanisms by posting "Tact." . . . It's my new slang for "Tea and crumpets, then?" It's supposed to mean the building is nearing the end of its construction ie the glass is in the windows and interior is starting to go in.

Erm, maybe I'd go for more urgency here: 'Up the scaffolding, my relentless Parkour training paying off, as I pulled away from them' ??
You're probably right, and since he left the park, he's not supposed to be quite so cool headed as his escape plan has fallen apart.

.I read this a few times before I realised the 'look' thing, because you've used two descriptions - maybe 'It's the not-quite-man, not-quite-animal look that you see in monster movies' would work betterHyphens it is then.

This makes it sound like you've given up sleeping with their sister...
For the moment.

Only one floor to go, and you can't make it? I know there's some great action to follow, maybe make it a 12 floor apartment block?
I could do that, or I could clarify what is supposed to be happening here. Now that I've read that again, I'm surprised that no one pointed that out before.

I agree with TJ - just have him unzip his fly - until I read her post I had no idea what was going on here...
At first, I =/'ed when everyone expressed confusion, but I've figured out a fix. Include his zipper being stuck in one of the thought bubbles.

Repetitious. In the fast scene keep up the pace and do not repeat the words. Like the others has said, think about the last two sentences.
The last two sentences are more to set the tone of the narrator than the pace of the opening, but I see your point and maybe it could stand some revision.

Show us in the last line. You peek over your shoulder, and you see what? Don't just tell us a wolf, use the exposition to give a smallish description.
I thought of that, but was weighing using one word against a description. In most cases, feedback tells me to go with the less wordy version, but as I've typed this, I've come up with a clever way to solve the problem.


I've seen dogs jumping over two and half meter tall fences, and if this more powerful werewolf want to get over it after chasing you over the fields, then I bet they would have momentum to get over there. But then again, you could use that to your advantage and let the 'dog' fly over you to the other side.
Real wolves have a max of about eight feet. Later in the work, I tell the perks: In pure animal form they don't have any physical bonuses over regular animals, they get to keep their mental faculties though. In human form, most have keener senses, but only slightly if any better than normal physical strength or dexterity. It's the half and half that's scary.


Slow down the pace. Let him catch breath for a second and two as he walks off from the wolf to only encounter two of them in a trap. When you trigger it, pick up the pace and fly again.
=/ Seems I can't find a happy medium.

With the bus encounter use a visual describition and few thoughts. Let the narrative to take the reader in the head of coyote as he catches a breath and think his next move. In the action you should allow yourself a bit more freedom them writing in the feelings. Use thoughts and spoken taunts to your advantage.
Righto then.


A wee bit of showing of what you mean with the parkour training. How does he do it? Write in the smallest possible description.



High up in the sevent floor I could hear below me (writing in the description). You see they are not quite what you see in the monster movies. Would they have been and this would had been an easy job. Or am I wrong? Would you have thought that movie versions would take it easy if they would find out you slept with their sister...
Martin thinks so, which may or may not be the case. It's one of those perks of having an unreliable narrator, reality doesn't have to match his/her description. For all we know, he took a cab home and just made this part up. I just need it to sound plausible.

"Write in the dialogue line", I shouted to them.

Of course it did't work. So I climbed to the sevent floor and peeked over the railings (write in the a small fight and then him dropping down)



Don't delete use them in the rewrite.




Slow down the pace a wee bit. Let the character thoughts guide you. Don't delete.



Needs a small description.


The smaller wolf from earlier ran over, but didn't close in for a fight. An uncomfortable silence fell over the small gathering as we stared each other in the eye. Finally, she looked away to her mate.

I sighed. They never learn... “He needs water in his eyes and pure oxygen if you've got any.”

She looked back to me and growled.

I shot my hand in the air and said, “You can keep chasing me across Houston, or you can let him go blind. It's Your call.”
Without the It's fits better in American English. To quote the movie Outsourced: "These are called reductions. Americans use them all the time.

Slow down the pace even more. Let the dialogue lead you to the narrative.

@Beadchaser
Hmmm weird. I think I'll just leave that part as is and file it under artistic liberty with physics. Seems I also owe you a welcome to the chrons. Welcome. Also, I charge a dollar for every response to one of my threads. Do you have paypal?




@everyone
Thanks for the assistance.

 

[The Judge]

Just a quickie on my way through

Do Brits just not say "#number# in the morning" to tell time to one another?

Yes, we do, and if you'd said "At one in the morning the light was dim" everyone would have understood.** The problem is you're making it a compound, which means --surprise, surprise -- you need hyphens to make it intelligible in writing, and to my mind another comma, so:

In the dim, one-in-the-morning, light, I could only see one wolf.

Can we have it as two-in-the-morning, though, to avoid the "one" repetition?

NB strictly grammatically, the "only" is in the wrong place, and it should be "I could see only one wolf" -- but since this is first person, I'll forgive you...


** "In the dim, one a.m. light" might just about work, but it looks very ugly and if you miss off the fullstops in the "a.m." you'd make the sentence even less comprehensible!

 

[Xelah]

Just a quickie on my way through

Yes, we do, and if you'd said "At one in the morning the light was dim" everyone would have understood.** The problem is you're making it a compound, which means --surprise, surprise -- you need hyphens to make it intelligible in writing, and to my mind another comma, so:

Can we have it as two-in-the-morning, though, to avoid the "one" repetition?

** "In the dim, one a.m. light" might just about work, but it looks very ugly and if you miss off the fullstops in the "a.m." you'd make the sentence even less comprehensible!

That's not normally hyphenated though? :s I officially hate hyphens, but no, I can't make it two in the morning because buses don't run that late in Houston.

Would a publisher frown on writing it as 1am? Still ugly, but unless somebody reads it as Lam, it's understandable.