Re: Improving our Challenge Stories -- READ FIRST POST
Hi all, I apologise for my recent lack of attendance.. However, please let me offer my thanks to each of you for your insights, they are very much appreciated
Now, trying to reply to you each in turn: -
Hi Little Missy,
/snip
I found your entry both intriguing and truly alarming, but I didn't totally understand it. I think I kind of understood it, but I didn't get the connection between the cutting a bit out and Daddy enough to be confident that I had understood.
Also, and this is just a mini-thing, there were a lot of exclaimation marks and I got a bit overwhelmed by the end.
Hi Hex, I was a little worried writing it that the underlying story might not be picked up. However, considering my other choice, this seemed the most understandable - that tells you how bad my second choice was! And yes, I realise I am a little 'free' with the exclamations and will try to tone them down in future entries
Little Missy,
I'm sure some of veteran critiquers will be along but from a pure amateur here are a couple of things. Let me say that I think the idea is good, and there could well be something creepy and filled with horror.
But...
First, I couldn't make the connection between the "thing" and "Daddy coming home." I assume we are hearing a child, but when I get the line "play happy families..." I wonder if it might be the "thing" speaking.
Second, I was unsure what Daddy coming home had to do with not cutting the the "thing" out, especially if Daddy wasn't really loved. In fact that last line "play happy families..." made me wonder if the "thing" might have been something Daddy was responsible for.
For me the real trick in a 75 word story (coming from a rank amateur writer) is to let the reader see what's going on as the conclusion comes without exceeding our word limit.
I've liked your stuff before. I know at least once before you've been on my short list.
Parson
I whole-heartedly thank you Parson! The "thing" related more to an emotional element really, and the girl in my story was that of a teenager rather than a little girl. The whole 'happy families' being a somewhat sarky statement from a person too scared to do what they wanted in the face of their tormentor.
/snip
As for the story itself, I think that I understood part of it, but I'm a bit hazier on the other.
Daddy and "happy families" I think refers to the father coming into the room to molest the child.
If so, the "thing" may be symbolic of the memories and the trauma she wishes she could cut out of her thoughts, out of her life. Or maybe it's a death wish.
But then there is the knife, and I wonder if Daddy may be about to get what he deserves.
Of course I could be entirely wrong about all of this.
All correct there TE, apart from Daddy getting what he deserves - in my mind the girl (teenager) was too scared to self-harm/end her life if he could find her before she had finished!
I also agree with the exclamation point excess.
My take on the story was that the child is being molested, and I concluded that she may be pregnant, thus cutting the "thing" out. But I wasn't sure about that.
No Pregnancy... just emotions! Too much held in the head for one person to handle. But you picked up on something which, may be in hindsight, I could have used. So I thank you for that.
/snip
Also, one of the tricks of a short story is to make the ending snappy. Here your ending goes on too long for my taste, drawing a moral, to boot. Fine in the middle of the story, but to me the ending should be more dramatic. For instance, if you'd referred to "he" or "the monster" throughout and ending with "Daddy's home..." that would have given more power to it.
And when it comes to word count -- make the title work. "Family" is too neutral to have much effect on its own, so if instead you had used the "Happy Families" of the story, that frees up two words for you and because of the edge to it (since we know this was a horror story from the genre) it starts to sway people from the get go (assuming they read the title first, of course!).
But although I'm picking out these issues, for a beginner I think you did fine! So definitely you should carry on and join in more Challenges -- as you get more experienced these things will come.
Thank you Judge. These are some very valid points and ones I am sure to take into consideration in the future.
I thought the content of the Family story one of the best in the month, strong enough to carry a couple of minor details like excessive exclamation marks(!)
The molestation was implied strongly enough for it to "work" for the reader. I did not pick up on pregnancy, if that was intended; I assumed the "thing" was a whole cluster of emotions and impacts on the child, and the "cut it out" a psychological response to that, perhaps leading to future self-harm which is what made the story fit well into the theme for the month.
I have now read and posted in two of the 75-word challenges. It seems to me that stories of that length are almost bound to have some ambiguity and that is part of their charm.
At risk of making a gross generalisation, stories which are closed and unambiguous in 75 words are probably not saying very much at all.
Hi Sid Hawkins, and thank you for your comment. You've practically hit the nail on the head with how the story appeared to me!
I missed the molestation. Mainly because I only read the first paragraph. To my shame, I jumped to a wrong conclusion about how it was going to go and dismissed it.
I assumed it was the ranting of a disturbed child who was about to do herself in. Horrific enough, but up to that point in the story, not enough to make me want to get to the punch line.
Having read Teresa's analysis I now see I was a bad lad - for which I apologise profusely - and that the story had much more to offer.
However, I don't think this new insight would have swayed my vote.
I think the the problem may have been the layout.
The
Allowed me to break concentration and gave me the opportunity to skip.
It's possible that without these massive pauses I would have read to the end.
In fact, it would probably have read more true to life, if the father returning caused panic and a rush to the end. I fancy that is the more likely outcome of the situation you set up.
Similar to the panic instilled when anyone finds themselves up to 'no good' and on the point of discovery.
TEiN, thank you for your response here. I must admit to having not given enough thought to the actual layout and see now how that may have played against me. Something else for me to consider in the future!
Thank you all for your in-put. It is truly appreciated and, hopefully, I can put some of your advice to good use in any future challenge I choose to participate in.
(P.S. I will try to curb my excessive use of exclamations!!!!!
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