I don't want to pour too much cold water on your enthusiasm, Kode, but the purpose of the thread isn't to satisfy our appetite for your work, it's to help you to improve your writing skills. I think the responses you've had to date should be more than enough to keep you working for a considerable time, as you contemplate the advice given and incorporate it into your writing as a whole. You have a good deal to think about, and some basic grammar to understand. Try to get to grips with that first, before bombarding us with new, possibly uncorrected, extracts.
In the meantime, why don't you also look at work others have put on Critiques and offer your suggestions to them? It is only polite to offer help as well as expect to receive it.
In the meantime, why don't you also look at work others have put on Critiques and offer your suggestions to them? It is only polite to offer help as well as expect to receive it.
