Dream sequence. 690 words

[anthorn]

I have written a dream sequence and I am looking for opinions. Is it considered info dumpy? It is a continuation of a previous dream at the beginning of the book that has left Nikita with a feeling of impending doom.

Dreaming seemed pointless, yet here she was.

She opened her eyes to a familiar sight, her room. Nikita glanced around and everything seemed so slow and sluggish. She looked down at her hands, saw them free of calluses and abrasions, and knew herself to be five again. Nikita however did not feel that young.


Nikita stood and made her way to the mirror, she didn’t know why but it appeared to be the right thing to do. There was no reflection in the mirror, not of her and not of anything. She touched the mirror and nothing happened so she made her way to the window. There was nothing out there either, not even darkness. “What does this mean?” she asked herself.


“It’s your subconscious, so you tell me.”


“Do I know you?” she asked the child that had appeared beside her. Nikita guessed her to be either nine or ten summers.


“Not yet.” the child said running fingers through blond hair.


“But I will meet you soon?”


“Maybe, who knows? Maybe we have met already.”


“This is the second time I have dreamed of my home.” Nikita said pressing her head against the window. “I used to dream of a tower; it chased me across a wasteland.”


“Is that so?” the child said interested.


“What is happening to me?”


“What do you think is happening?”

“I think I am going mad.”


“You’re not going mad Nikita. Someone going mad doesn’t think they’re going crazy, they think they’re getting saner.”


Nikita laughed. “I’m beginning to think you are older than you look.”


The child shrugged. “Give or take a few thousand years.”


Nikita considered this and turned back to the child. “So I must be here for a reason then, here with you I mean.” The room around them shook like a ripple through a lake. It began to spin, slowly, then settled back as it once was. “What does this mean?” she repeated.


“You are unconscious, you, and your sister.” the child said. “As we speak a war is beginning in Damorkine, the Guardians have returned. It is a suicidal mission as they have few men against Mordrena’s many.”


“If…if I am unconscious, how can I be here, how can I be aware?” she asked the child. There was a pregnant pause as she waited for the child to answer her questions; the room shivered around them and a burning tower appeared on the horizon.


“You are here because you are special Nikita, you all are. Everyone dreams Nikita, everyone dreams sometimes, it just happens you can remember them, for you they are vivid. Because of the manipulations you see the tower and will do until you die. Terin sees the tower and so do Anthorn and Sarana. You remember because you are connected to Anthorn in ways you can’t possibly imagine. Come.” She extended her hand and Nikita took it, let herself be led back to the mirror. “What do you see?”


“Myself.” Nikita said.


“Look closer.”


Nikita did so and leaned forward, it was her reflection with only a few differences. Around the temples there was a coppery gold tint to her ebony skin, her carmine eyes was tinted with orange. “I am an End-Lord,” she whispered.


“No, you are pregnant.”


Nikita rounded on the child sharply. “Pregnant?” she cried, her voice horse and throat painfully dry.


The child nodded. “Yes, you are. It will be a while before the others notice.”


“Why tell me this?”


“Because there is a storm coming Nikita, a war and we all must fight. Good men will go to war,” she said sadly. “Have you chosen a side?”


Nikita was shaking, I’m pregnant. She couldn’t believe it. This was a dream it had to be a dream. “I choose Anthorn,” she whispered.

“Good.” The child took her hand again. “When the time comes Nikita you will be asked to make a sacrifice. Anthorn is already going to make his.”


“W-what?” She was barely listening now.


“I’m sorry but you are both going to die.”


“Why are you telling me this?”


“Because when you wake up you will not remember this dream.”

 

[Nik]

As I'm recovering from an acute bout of hay-fever that left me with the most lucid yet weirdest dreams I've had in years, I'd say this dream-sequence carries most of the essential ingredients.

Yes, each sub-scene is short, incomplete yet some-how self-consistent.

Yes, each sub-scene progresses to the next 'where it touches', but without an apparent plot.

Yes, despite 'local' lucidity, there is a global helplessness.

Yes, there is the sense of greater forces at work, barely glimpsed...

So, as a dream, okay.

I'm too fuzzy to comment on the writing quality...

 

[anthorn]

Okay thanks.

 

[MstrTal]

Well first I liked it.

Second being new here and this being my first attempt critiquing take anything I say with a grain of salt and a lot of tequila.

What I liked was that it did seem to have the sort of flow one would expect from a dream and the banter between Nikita and the child was interesting.

However the bit that got me was. . .

“Not yet.” the child said running fingers through blond hair.

This being a dream sequence and understandably somewhat disjointed it made me wonder whose hair? The girls hair, Nikita's hair? Is the hair long, short, frizzy, silky and is there any significance to the hair being blonde?

Does this make any sense? I only ask because I have had some really odd lucid and semi-lucid dreams and in them I have noticed the strangest things. I have also woken up knowing I have had a dream that I could not recall only to have the dream impact me like a sledge hammer when at some point later on I come across something in my waking life that reflects this imagery.

“Because there is a storm coming Nikita, a war and we all must fight. Good men will go to war,” she said sadly. “Have you chosen a side?”

Also with this line here while I find it very to the point, especially up to the the part where she asks about choosing a side the twined use of the word war in the same sentence is a bit redundant. Is there another way of wording this that says the same thing but has perhaps a greater impact?

I hope I have helped and not muddied the issue.

 

[A. S. Behsam]

Well, this is my first critique on this site, so I'm sorry if I get something wrong or anything. Also, I might make suggestions but you're the one who decides at last, of course.

She opened her eyes to a familiar sight, her room. Nikita glanced around and everything seemed so slow and sluggish.

I didn't understand this part; I think you should put an action here to explain what you mean.

She looked down at her hands, saw them free of calluses and abrasions, and knew herself to be five again. Nikita however did not feel that young.

The way you word the two sentences makes it look like you're talking about two people here. Maybe this way it would be more clear (just a suggestion):
"As she looked down at her hands and saw them free of calluses and abrasions, Nikita somehow knew that she was five again, even though she did not feel that young."

Nikita stood and made her way to the mirror,(1) she didn’t know why but it appeared to be the right thing to do. (2) There was no reflection in the mirror, not of her and not of anything.(3) She touched the mirror and nothing happened (4) , (5) so she made her way (6) to the window. There was nothing out there either, not even darkness. (7) “What does this mean?” she asked herself. (8)

(1) The comma should be a semicolon.
(2) I suggest you put a "but" here to put stress on the oddness of the event.
(3) The sentence sounds wrong or doesn't flow well. Maybe you can word it differently. Like, "But the mirror showed no reflection of her, neither did it show anything else."
(4) I suggest you add a sentence here showing Nikita's curiosity to explain why she touches the mirror, or at least indicate her astonishment because if she touches the mirror, it means she is taken aback.
(5) comma here.
(6) You use this phrase twice in only one paragraph, so I suggest replacing one of them with another phrase.
(7) What does that mean? I know it's supposed to be confusing because it's a dream, but we have to see what Nikita sees to be as shocked as her, right? To be able to relate to her. So you should say what does she see that she considers nothing.
(8) Does she say it out loud? If yes, it's correct. But if it's just an inside speculation, then no quotation marks necessary. Judging by the rest of the story, she asks it out loud, then I suggest you omit "herself" and put a simple "said" with any adverb necessary.

“It’s your subconscious, so you tell me.”
“Do I know you?” she asked the child that had appeared beside her. Nikita guessed her to be either nine or ten summers.

Again, I think you should show what Nikita sees before she replies. Nikita turns and finds the child beside her, and then she replies.

“Not yet.” the child said running fingers through her blond hair. (1)
“But I will meet you soon?”
“Maybe, who knows? (2) Maybe we have met already.”

(1) A his/her is necessary here. I had to read the whole part to realize the child is a girl.
(2) "Maybe" or "who knows?" Omit one of them. I suggest omitting "maybe" since you repeat it again right after.

“This is the second time I have dreamed (1) of my home. (2)” Nikita said (3) pressing her head against the window. “I used to dream of a tower; it chased me across a wasteland.”
“Is that so?” the child said (4) interested.
“What is happening to me?”
“What do you think is happening?”
“I think I am going mad.”
“You’re not going mad (5)Nikita. Someone (6-1) going mad doesn’t think they’re going crazy (6-2) , (7) they think they’re getting saner (6).”

(1) She's still in the dream, right? So it should be "I'm dreaming".
(2) a comma instead of period.
(3) a comma needed for a better flow.
(4) a comma here.
(5) again, a comma should be added here.
(6) I think you should reword the sentence. (6-1) I suggest replacing "someone" with "the people" and add a "who are" after it. (6-2) Instead of "doesn’t think they’re going crazy" put "don't think that way" to avoid the feeling of repetition.
(7) semicolon instead of comma.

Nikita laughed. “I’m beginning to think you are (1) older than you look.”
The child shrugged. “Give or take a few thousand years.”
Nikita considered this and turned back to the child (2). “So I must be here for a reason then (3) , (4) here with you (5) I mean.” (6) The room around them shook like a ripple through a lake. It began to spin, slowly, (7) then (8) settled back as it once was (9). “What does this mean?” she (10) repeated.

(1) This is so optional , but I suggest "you're" instead of "you are" for a better flow and because the conversation doesn't seem formal.
(2) Instead of repeating "the child" again, I think you better use "her" as the child is a girl and you don't use any pronouns until the end of the part.
(3) "so" or "then". Omit one of them. I suggest omitting "then".
(4) period instead of comma.
(5) comma here.
(6) you should cut the paragraph here:
“So I must be here for a reason then, here with you I mean.” /cut here/
The room around them shook like a ripple through a lake. It began to spin, slowly, then settled back as it once was. “What does this mean?” she repeated.
(7) "and" should be added.
(8) "it" should be added.
(9) when you say settled back, it already indicates the room getting to the same position as before it shook, so I think "as it once was" is unnecessary. Especially given the fact that you put "as" instead f "to".
(10) "she"? Who? Nikita or the child? You should name one to avoid confusion.

“You are unconscious, (1) you, and your sister. (2)” the child said. “As we speak a war is beginning in Damorkine, the Guardians have returned. (3) It is a suicidal mission as they have few men against Mordrena’s many.”
“If… (4)if I am unconscious, how can I be here, (5) how can I be aware?” she asked the child. (6) There was a pregnant pause as she waited for the child to answer her questions (7); the room shivered around them and a burning tower appeared on the horizon. (8)

(1) comma should be semicolon, and the second comma (after you) will no longer be needed.
(2) comma must replace the period.
(3) It should be either of these:
- As we speak, a war is beginning in Damorkine and' (or) : (if you choose colon, then you should capitalize 'T' in 'the') the Guardians have returned.
or
- A war is beginning in Damorkine as we speak; (or) . the Guardians have returned.
(4) space here.
(5) question mark instead of comma, and the 'h' after should be capitalized then.
(6) "she asked the child": first, I think given the fact that you repeat "the child" a lot, you can simply say "she asked". Secondly, it's better to name Nikita once in a while for us to get used to the name and also to avoid confusion of the speaker. And lastly, you should put this sentence after the first question. Like this:
“If… if I am unconscious, how can I be here?" asked Nikita. "How can I be aware?”
(7) Unnecessary.
(8) words like "suddenly", "abruptly", etc. can add to the dramatic sense of the scene. The way you put the sentences together here dulls the exciting element of strangeness. So it's better to put emphasis on the events happening around Nikita & the girl.
Also, how does Nikita feel at the moment? Does seeing that flaming tower make her scared or nervous as earlier she talked about her dreams of a tower chasing her...?[FONT=&quot]
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“You are here because you are special(1) Nikita, you all are. Everyone dreams (2) Nikita, everyone dreams sometimes, it just happens you can remember them, for you they are vivid. (3) Because of the manipulations (4) you see the tower and will do until you die. Terin sees the tower (5) and so do Anthorn and Sarana. You remember (6) because you are connected to Anthorn in ways you can’t possibly imagine. Come.” She extended her hand and Nikita took it, let (7) herself be led back to the mirror (8). “What do you see?”
“Myself. (9) ” Nikita said.
“Look closer.”

(1) comma needed.
(2) the same as #1
(3) this sentence is confusing. Reword ir.
(4) comma here for a better flow.
(5) add "as well" or "too" here and then a comma after it.
(6) she means Nikita remembers the dreams, right? If yes, add "dreams" here.
(7) "letting" instead of "let" or add "and" and keep the "let".
(8) the sentence can be worded in a better way.
(9) comma instead of period. Also, you keep inserting the verbs after the speaker's name. Usually the verbs come before the nouns after quotations. (said Nikita, said the child, muttered Nikita, whispered Nikita, etc.)

Nikita did so and (1) leaned forward,(2)it was her reflection with only a few differences.(3) Around the (4) temples there was a coppery gold tint to her ebony skin, her carmine eyes was tinted with orange.(5) “I am an End-Lord,” she whispered.
“No, you are pregnant.”
Nikita rounded on the child sharply. “Pregnant?” she cried, her voice horse and throat painfully dry. (6)
The child nodded. “Yes, you are (7). It will be a while before the others notice.”

(1) isn't needed; leaning forward already shows it instead of telling it.
(2) semicolon instead of comma.
(3) you might wanna put emphasis on the fact that the first time she looked to the mirror, it showed nothing, but now it shows her; another interesting abnormality. Also put colon instead of period because the next sentence explains those differences.
(4) "her temples" sounds better than "the temples."
(5) break the line here.
(6) The sentences sound chopped and badly mixed. A better way to put them together:
Nikita rounded on the child sharply, her throat painfully dry as she cried with a horse voice, “Pregnant?”
(7) Unnecessary.

“Why tell me this?” (1)
“Because there is a storm coming (2)Nikita, a war(3) and we all must fight. Good men will go to war,” she said sadly (4). “Have you chosen a side?”
Nikita was shaking, I’m pregnant (5). She couldn’t believe it. This was a dream (6) it had to be a dream. (7) “I choose Anthorn,” she whispered.
“Good.” The child took her hand again. “When the time comes (8) Nikita (9) you will be asked to make a sacrifice. Anthorn is already going to make his.”
“W-what?” She was barely listening now.
“I’m sorry but you are both going to die.”
“Why are you telling me this?”
“Because when you wake up you will not remember this dream.”

(1) the sentence sounds odd because Nikita isn't speaking formally or anything... I think "Why are you telling me this?" flows better.
(2) repeating the repeated; a comma is needed here.
(3) End the sentence here to keep the grave tone of it. Of course then 'a' in 'and' would be capitalized.
(4) this should be put after the first sentence she says, not here. Delaying it takes away the flow. Put it after "Nikita". And if you want the child to express sadness for what she says later ("Good men will go to war"), show it in a simple action like her shaking her head or looking down...
(5) This isn't a first person narrative; you must add "she thought" ir something and omit the comma.
(6) a semicolon or a period should be added here.
(7) break the paragraph here.
(8) comma.
(9) possibly another comma.


General notes:
- I actually like the story and want to know what happens.
- The oddness of the dream was close to realistic and interesting, but like I said before, you should put more emphasis on the abnormal surroundings.
- You should add more to the feel of the dream. If we want to relate to Nikita, we have to relate to her feelings.
- The punctuation needs more time.
- you need more adverbs, more reactions and more 'showing' than 'telling'.
- try various verbs instead of only and only "said".


I'm really sorry if I made mistakes or anything, or if I went into details waaaaaaaayyyyy toooo much! I just wanted to help.
Hope it was helpful.
Really like to know what happens next.

Maxtina

 

[anthorn]

Well, a couple of times you suggested to me that I should have run on sentances.

Like the think they're getting saner part.

And at this part.


(10) "she"? Who? Nikita or the child? You should name one to avoid confusion.
What does this mean?” she (10) repeated.

Considering it is told from Nikita's point of view. Considering it is part of a paragraph in which she has spoken I think the only one confused is you/

Also, the I'm pregnant part. Inner monologue

 

[A. S. Behsam]

I think the only one confused is you/

well I guess I shouldn't waste an entire hour trying to help some people.

 

[anthorn]

Excuse me? I just don't see how someone can go "Is someone else speaking?" when it's in the same paragraph as the person speaking.
Nikita spoke at the begining of paragraph. She spoke at the end. It's not confusing. It's only confusing if you're used to two people speaking in the same paragraph, which is wrong.

 

[A. S. Behsam]

The inner monologues don't come right after a narrative sentence and a comma--
never mind, forget it. When you don't wanna listen, you just don't.
I'd love people to take their time and go into details when they review my writing... but apparently not everyone wants to know their mistakes or what others really think.
So, good luck anyway.

 

[A. S. Behsam]

If you use "she said", "she whispered", "she muttered"..." after the second sentence Nikita says, you go to the next line. What you said is correct if you don't use any of those and just put the sentence she says.

"I don't think so," she said and took the picture again. She kept her eyes on the girl in the picture for another few seconds, focusing on her eyes. Should she tell the officer about that familiar sense she found in the girl's face? She started debating the idea in her mind.
"No, I don't know her," she finally mumbled.

or

"I don't think so," she said and took the picture again. She kept her eyes on the girl in the picture for another few seconds, focusing on her eyes. Should she tell the officer about that familiar sense she found in the girl's face? She started debating the idea in her mind. "No, I don't know her."

Besides, I did mention that all of the things I wrote were suggestions.
Anyway, like I said, good luck.

 

[anthorn]

Jesus christ. My mistake for commenting on your critisism of my work....
They can and they do.
If you don't want people to respond to your comments of peoples work, don't comment.

 

[A. S. Behsam]

Of course I do. But I expect a nice tune because I used a nice tune. I even mentioned your punctuation mistakes (the ones I saw), but it doesn't matter as you think I'm confused.

 

[anthorn]

Maybe some of the things are language issues? I mean you're from Iran aren't you? So I doubt English is your first language, is it? What do they speak in Iran, arabic? You do type good though.

And it's commonly known that in one paragraph if someone speaks, then that is interrupted by description, and there is another dialogue, then it's the same person.
I do appreciate critisism, but I'm not afraid to point out where I think people are wrong y'know.
Wasn't being snarky either, well, okay, maybe the second time, but that was a response.

This isn't snarky either though it reads like it. Trust in the smiley face, it is your friend.

 

[Gary Compton]

Calm down chaps, one man's opinion is another man's reason to go to war.

This is critiques, you have to expect heavy criticism, and as the critiquer, the writer has the right to defend his prose.

Writing is subjective.

Either way, not much of it matters when they're people being blown to bits, starving to death or being abused in this world.

It's make believe - remember

 

[anthorn]

I know, it's just, I am very thankful of critisism of my work, I just don't appreciate people taking exception to me, taking exception to some of it. I honestly don't see how the paragraph in question could be confused as two different people speaking.


Like Gary says...

One man's Goodkind is another man's Dickens

 

[Gary Compton]

As they say up north. Go outside and have a tab

Its critiques man. Your always going to get criticism even if your the best writer in the world

 

[anthorn]

Oh I know. And if we don't recieve criticism we can expect our names to be up there in lights next to Robert Stannek.

Will say again. I have no problem with it. I just brought up two quibbles I had. i.e run on sentence and the paragraph.

I appreciate all the crit I get.

 

[Ursa major]

As one of the paragraphs seems to be somewhat contentious, perhaps we ought to take a closer look at why.

Two different things are happening here:

A: The attribution of speech.

Nikita considered this and turned back to the child. “So I must be here for a reason then, here with you I mean.” The room around them shook like a ripple through a lake. It began to spin, slowly, then settled back as it once was. “What does this mean?” she repeated.

First of all, I don't think the she repeated is strictly necessary from the point of view of understanding who is talking, because, as Anthorn has said, (most) modern fiction does not change speaker within a paragraph.

This thus the sentence:

Nikita considered this and turned back to the child. “So I must be here for a reason then, here with you I mean.” The room around them shook like a ripple through a lake. It began to spin, slowly, then settled back as it once was. “What does this mean?”

makes sense in terms of indicating that Nikita is speaking.

I'll now assume that Anthorn wishes to emphasise the point that the question has been said before. This too narrows the speech attribution to one person, Nikita, because only she has uttered those words.

What would look a bit odd would be:

Nikita considered this and turned back to the child. “So I must be here for a reason then, here with you I mean.” The room around them shook like a ripple through a lake. It began to spin, slowly, then settled back as it once was. “What does this mean?” Nikita repeated.

First of all, the reader should be able to follow conversations between two characters with very speech attribution. Just as a paragraph is one speaker's alone, the next will be assumed to be the other's, unless the author writes otherwise.

Second, I've seen some advice suggesting that proper names should not be overused. Apparently they draw undue attention to themselves. To avoid this, unnecessary uses should be avoided, as Anthorn has done. We already know that this is Nikita's paragraph. Why throw in another Nikita?

And as I've said earlier, unless Anthorn really wants to emphasise the repeat, no speech attribution is needed at all.



B: Paragraph Construction

Perhaps what is jarring for some is the content of the paragraph. In text that is divided into many short paragraphs, here's one in which two quite different ideas are brought together. Let's try separating them:

Nikita considered this and turned back to the child. “So I must be here for a reason then, here with you I mean.”

The room around them shook like a ripple through a lake. It began to spin, slowly, then settled back as it once was. “What does this mean?” Nikita asked.

Here the speech attribution is needed, because the character is speaking in two adjacent paragraphs. (I've changed the repeated to asked because I think this is a different question, in that now Nikita is asking about the room shaking.)

(I leave others to debate whether this is a three-paragraph sequence, i.e.:

Nikita considered this and turned back to the child. “So I must be here for a reason then, here with you I mean.”

The room around them shook like a ripple through a lake. It began to spin, slowly, then settled back as it once was.

“What does this mean?” Nikita asked.

Hope that helps.

 

[Gary Compton]

I'll have a look at this later for you. I'm busy at moment but see what you think.

 

[anthorn]

Yeah, it does.