P for Pleistocene: Making allies...

[Nik]

I couldn't write PfP for several weeks, then got horribly stuck on the combat part of this excerpt. I've re-written it umpteen times, hope it now flows...

===
Context: After pollarding another tree and hauling timber from one they prepared two weeks ago, when the four-strong Away Team return for their ladder, they notice a commotion about a quarter-mile South along the ridge...

( A 'super-spear' is tipped by a six-inch length of the pole that supported the litter-bin. Cut on the bevel with a wire-saw, then patiently sharpened, it is 'dangerous'... ;-)
=========

Rather than rig the ladder for carrying, Dave and I took it left-handed. Toting our spears, the four of us dog-legged South, keeping that spinney between us and the commotion. As we got closer, we began to see motion around the elephants.

"Wolves circling." O spied. "Five, six."

We reached the tree I'd chosen, leaned the ladder against it then tossed the haul-rope over a substantial branch. "Every-one remember where we've parked," I quipped, then turned serious. "If possible, I'm last up the tree."

The three exchanged concerned glances but nodded agreement.

"Okay, let's go." Spears at the ready, we eased around the Eastern flank of the spinney. Two hundred yards ahead, the middle-sized elephant was stamping around in a patch of now-flattened scrub while, beside her, the smaller elephant matched her tactics.

"Is that a youngster between them ?" Sue pointed.

"Yes." O nodded. "I can see a small trunk, ears."

"Wolves ?" I had to ask.

"Wolves, I'm sure," Sue decided.

"Wolves," O agreed.

"Diamond up," I directed. Spears levelled, we advanced at a brisk walk.

We reached half-way before the pack's first flanker noticed us. That wolf stood uncertainly. Another appeared from the long grass, turned our way. A third broke off an inward run to study us. A half-dozen more broke cover, considered our approach. That still left an unknown number circling the elephants.

"Where did those come from ?" Dave hissed.

"Their scars-- That's our first pack." Sue pointed. "But, the others--"

"How can two packs join ?" O puzzled.

"They may be kin." I shrugged. "Or one lot's local and the other's following a herd... Shows there's plenty of food."

For a long minute, we stared at them while they stared at us.

"We must continue, Mister Mike," O said, slowly. "We cannot show weakness."

"O's right." I had butterflies in my stomach, but he'd called it right. "We can take them."

Pace by pace, we closed the gap. One by one, the remaining wolves left their attack on the elephants, turned our way.

"Baker's Dozen !" Dave hissed.

"There'll be less in a minute !" Sue promised.

"Close enough." I decided, driving the butt of my second spear into a tussock so it stood ready. I levelled the first, a super-spear. To my left and right, O and Sue matched my preparations. Behind me, Dave parked his ordinary spear, readied his BigBird catcher.

We were just in time. One moment, the wolves were just staring at us. The next, they were loping towards us, cutting in to slash at our legs.

Theirs was a good plan, but we'd changed the paradigm. O drew first blood. His huge reach stabbed the super-spear into the nearest wolf's flank. The shaft twisted as he clung to it, screwing the head deep into his target's guts. The shriek that drew was but the first.

To my right, Sue's opening thrust ripped a large, grey male's skull from muzzle to ear. She drew back, jabbed. The point lodged between his ribs. She braced herself against his strength, somehow kept him at spear length. He made an inviting target. I lashed out with my super-spear, gouged a bloody flap from his haunch. Chastised, he retreated to lick his wounds.

I set my spear into the next wolf's shoulder, twisted with all my strength. The point hit bone. Maimed, that wolf fell back, limped away.

O was wreaking havoc on his second wolf. He'd pinned the screaming animal with his spear, was winding the point into its side. Sue fenced another, drawing fresh blood with each thrust.

I spared a glimpse for Dave. His catcher's jaws had a wolf by her left leg. The central nail was chewing her calf. Desperately trying to bite her attacker, the wolf's every twist and turn just made that injury worse.

Sue's wolf came my way. I thrust. My spear point found its shoulder, skidded off bone and gouged its back. A second, stabbing blow took a deep bite from its thigh. Sue's swift strike on its muzzle convinced it to retreat.

O's victim was down in a pool of spilled blood and guts, he was eyeing another. I jabbed at a flanker's hip, then another's neck, drawing blood both times. Then I levelled my spear on the next, a big, black male.

This wolf snarled his intent. I feinted with my spear. The wolf snapped at the spear-head, clunked teeth on the steel. It knew only tusks and frangible bone. Surprised, it hesitated, eased the pressure of its now-bloody bite. I did not waste the chance. I tugged the shaft slightly, twisted, thrust. The bevelled steel lanced down the wolf's throat, rending gullet and windpipe. Maddened, the wolf still snapped at the spear. I clung to the shaft. The blade dug deeper and deeper. At last, drowned in its own blood, the big wolf stilled.

I tugged my spear clear, risked a couple of side-glances. O's badly injured third was wisely retreating. Dave's first wolf had now escaped its trap, had fled. He'd dropped the strained catcher, grabbed his ordinary spear, was jabbing at a grey flanker. Sue drove her point into its ribs. Outnumbered, the flanker retreated widdershins. I feinted a thrust. The thwarted wolf continued to retreat, snarling its fury.

"She's behind you !" Sue called, lightly. The grey wolf turned too late. Momma elephant's left tusk connected. Tossed six feet, half-stunned and whimpering, the battered wolf began to crawl away. Turning, the irate elephant drove a long tusk down, ended its cries.

Faced with a combined defence, the remaining wolves scattered. One was too slow. The adolescent's short, vicious charge spun it into Momma's path. A huge tusk scythed across, connected hard. The wolf tumbled, lay twitching. Momma balefully placed a vast foot on her victim, pressed. Ribs snapped and crunched.

"Road-kill !" Dave whispered.

Vengeance wrought, Momma and her adolescent looked around. The terrified calf peered from between them.

"No sudden moves !" I cautioned, lowering my spear-point to the gore-drenched grass. Beside me, Sue and O followed suit. Dave, suddenly eye to eye with the riled adolescent, almost dropped his spear.

One by one, Momma checked the wolves we'd downed, her trunk exploring them and their terrible wounds. Then, her trunk tracked along the catcher's shaft, from the point's ample blood to Dave's sweat. She hesitated where Dave had clutched it. The trunk rose, reached out towards Dave.

"This one's mine," Sue murmurred. She lifted her left arm to a swan-neck, made a surprisingly deep, rumbling noise. Momma turned slightly. Her trunk's tip swung, met Sue's in-curled fingers, tested her knuckles, palm and wrist. Sue kept making the noise, gently rubbed her palm edge and wrist along the trunk. Momma's trunk tip traced down her arm, sniffed her face and hair. The adolescent looked between her and Dave.

"Sue ?" I whispered.

"I'm good," she breathed. "Copy me."

Dave gulped, lifted his left arm, made a stuttering sound. The adolescent met the upraised arm with her trunk, rubbed along it, then sniffed Dave's hair. Warily, he brushed his arm along her trunk. The adolescent responded by sniffing his face and neck.

Satisfied with Sue, Momma turned to me. I matched Sue's pose and rumble as best I could. I tried to calm my breathing as a lethal tusk brushed my hip and that trunk explored my face. Then it was O's turn for Momma, and Sue's for the adolescent. Between them, the small calf warily stretched its comically short trunk to gently brush my hand.

After investigating O, Momma turned back to Sue. For this session of trunk rubbing, Momma made a similar rumbling noise, copied by the adolescent. Finally, after a quiet 'harrumph', Momma turned away, flanked closely by the other two. Step by step, they headed down-slope, away from our killing ground. The surviving, scattered wolves did not contest their departure.

"Pinch me..." Dave muttered.

"Sue ?" I dared ask.

"I-- I'm good, Mister Mike..." She took a tight breath.

"Well done." That was a degree of understatement worthy of O, but I went on, "How ?"

"Ah..." Sue almost giggled with relief. "A small circus-- For a couple of years, they wintered on the Common at the end of our road. Out-reach courses every Saturday; Tight-rope walking, bare-back riding, juggling, tumbling-- Fun stuff like that." Then she did giggle. "While my fluffy sisters did ballet in town !!"

"They had an elephant," Dave guessed.

"Two." Sue nodded. "We-- We learned to say 'Hello' in 'Heffalump'..."

"I'm glad the language hasn't changed..." I managed.

"Me, too, Mister Mike... Me, too..."

 

[terryweide]

I didn't have much trouble following the combat aspect of it. I think that does flow fairly well. A couple of questions, though, since I'm reading this without seeing the beginning...

I'm assuming this is a time travel story, hence, the title. My apologies if I'm wrong about that. However, if this is the historical Pleistocene, why are the large mamals elephants and not mastadons of mammoths? I realize there would be some overlap of these species, but if you were going for an association that would make the reader think Pleistocene, you might use mastadon or mammoth. On the same note, you might consider calling the wolves dire wolves.

Again, I think the fight with the wolves works well. The way I read it, the narrator, Dave, Sue, and O, only get attacked by six wolves. The rest are circling the elephants. If all thirteen wolves would have attacked the humans, I think this fight would have to be longer and even tougher. I do wonder what a BigBird catcher is and what it looks like. It sounds like a steel trap. About a sentence or so of description of this device might be nice.

That's all I have. What's here is pretty fast paced and it held my interest. Nice work.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

Sadly I've just lost a monster critique of this because my mouse has a back button. Sorry

However my conclusion was that the fight scene was too slow and lacked immediacy.

There is also too much twisting of spears. Spears are not for twisting they're for stabbing at distance; especially if the point is circular. The wolves were too polite in my opinion. All the films I've seen of dog pack attacks have then all rushing in and biting at once. That's what makes them difficult to deal with. They don't tend to put up individuals to be beaten back so the next one can attack. If you've ever seen a fox hunt film, you hardly ever see the fox after they catch it.

There were one of two positional errors - Sue's first dog gets dealt with twice.

'O's victim was down in a pool of spilled blood' this dog had been pinned to the ground earlier, so it would be down already.

I didn't get why this group would interfere in this situation in the first place. It's certainly not in their interests to risk even a minor injury to get involved with, what is in effect, a normal day on the savanna. Elephants might never forget but for sure they aren't going to hang about with humans and act as protectors. They will be off on their toes to the next water hole at the first opportunity.

I also didn't get the ladder thing.

Hope I helped

TEiN

 

[ctg]

Unfortunately Nik I have to agree TEIN. This piece is lacking of description and immediacy of the close combat. Although you try to get into the mood, it reads like a dull description of a tabletop game turn-by-turn events. So your flow doesn't work as the fluency disappears under the flood of the dull prose/dialogue.

Rather than rig the ladder for carrying, Dave and I took it left-handed. Toting our spears, the four of us dog-legged South, keeping that spinney between us and the commotion. As we got closer, we began to see motion around the elephants.

"Wolves circling." O spied. "Five, six."

dog-legged
a.1.(Arch) Noting a flight of stairs, consisting of two or more straight portions connected by a platform (landing) or platforms, and running in opposite directions without an intervening wellhole.spin·ney (sp

n

)n. pl. spin·neys Chiefly British A small grove; a copse.


commotion [kəˈməʊʃən]n1. violent disturbance; upheaval
2. (Law) political insurrection; disorder
3. a confused noise; din

I would love to see a bit more description of the landscape and the set-up. I think you should give us a bit of savannah, long grass, the elephant heard, and the wolves (?) poking heads out from the grass.

There is also this strange thing, why would wolves or even dire-wolves attack elephant herd as these animals are at least ten times bigger than they are, and when the elephant matriarch gets enough, she will trample you and even toss aside smaller pack animals.

You don't see hyenas attacking elephant herds, even though they have numbers on their side, and that is because they know from the experience how bloody difficult it is to separate or even bring down one of the beautiful mammals.

So, if your wolves are dire-wolves, or even were's then give the reader that bit of information and don't fool them by saying the wolves are normal wolves.

We reached the tree I'd chosen, leaned the ladder against it then tossed the haul-rope over a substantial branch. "Every-one remember where we've parked," I quipped, then turned serious. "If possible, I'm last up the tree."

The three exchanged concerned glances but nodded agreement.

"Okay, let's go." Spears at the ready, we eased around the Eastern flank of the spinney. Two hundred yards ahead, the middle-sized elephant was stamping around in a patch of now-flattened scrub while, beside her, the smaller elephant matched her tactics.

I still find it hard to grasp this landscape, and when you bring in a middle-sized elephant, I start to think that either you struggled to find a description or then you grew lazy. It is almost as if you don't see the scene in your mind, and hence you don't know what to say to the reader, or then you do, and you need to rewrite over your rewrite a better description.

So far you have made the spears, hauled them to a location and then moved closer to the elephants without the wolf pack noticing. What I would like to see you to here and especially in this point to hype up the tension (bring in the danger element to fuel up the adrenaline). And to do that you need to bring in the larger description in the beginning and then through a short dialogue turn the prose into the fast-and-furious action.

"Is that a youngster between them ?" Sue pointed.

"Yes." O nodded. "I can see a small trunk, ears."

"Wolves ?" I had to ask.

"Wolves, I'm sure," Sue decided.

"Wolves," O agreed.

"What the [deleted] are you talking about?" asked a confused reader. He scratched behind his ear and looked curiously hunters standing at the edge of the woods.

"They are bloody elephants, where the [deleted] are the wolves?"

"Diamond up," I directed. Spears levelled, we advanced at a brisk walk.

Diamond up?

At here, you should use the tones of voices or even hand motions to guide the hunters, foot-soldiers. And what I don't understand is why you are bring your spears at the hip-level as if they are pikes. So, if they are pikes, then they are pikes, not (throwing) spears.

We reached half-way before the pack's first flanker noticed us. That wolf stood uncertainly. Another appeared from the long grass, turned our way. A third broke off an inward run to study us. A half-dozen more broke cover, considered our approach. That still left an unknown number circling the elephants.

We reached half-way of what?

Please read the para and say to me that you are happy with it. Because when I read it, I want to put this down and move on to read something more believable. The readers aren't idiots, and I don't think your character is one either. So, as you move from the set-up to the action, this bit should hit you like a lightning bolt from the sky. Yet there is no electricity in the prose.

Not this way Nik. Not this way.

As an example, I would like you to read this unpolished section from my vampire facing the zombie apocalypse story. And like you, I have tried to bring there the first person perspective in the mass combat, while keeping myself constantly in the head of the character.

I took a step backwards and turned around to pump face against Robert’s mighty chest. He pushed me behind him and asked, “What the hell are they?”

“Don’t know,” I answered. “But to be honest, I don't think we should stay here asking the questions cos--"

“All right,” Robert said. “I get it. You’re the boss. So let’s go.”

“Lead the way,” I said while my instincts said that I should stay at the behind and fight these monsters. Monsters that were more and less like me. Yet, Robert wasn’t having it as he nudged me on move back the way we’d came in. But we didn’t get as far as the main corridor before we're stopped by beams of lights shining on our faces.

“Put your hands on the air and step against the wall!”
I did as the police commanded but Robert didn’t obey.

“It’s not us who you want," he shouted. "It’s them.”

From corner of my eye, I could see him pointing at the main department as the police snapped of the safeties. In a blink two lasers painted red dots on his chest.

“This is your last warning. Obey us or face the consequences.”

“Robert,” I said quietly as I huddled the wall. “Do as they say!”

Behind us the howls crew louder when Robert finally gave in and faced the wall. I could hear him quietly swearing and praying under his breath. When the police shouted, “You, freeze or we will shoot.”

The dead didn’t reply. They didn’t obey or even understand that the threat as the first one clasped his fingers around Robert's shoulders and sank his blooded teeth on Robert’s neck.

His head arched back as Robert mouth opened up to for a cry. Then in a next moment he was trying to turn around the grasp the paramedic.

They slammed against me, forcing air out from my lungs. I collapsed on my knees as I felt the anger bubbling inside me. What happened next, I’m not sure, as at the moment I got air back in my lungs, Robert was on the floor, fighting underneath the dead. The police at the end of the corridor shouted commands, achieving nothing, as the dead weren't listening.

As you can see I have tried to bring in the fear and the confusion before the main action steps. But in the same time, I try to drop in as much reasonable description as I can, without swamping the whole prose under the information dump. Therefore, in your shoes, I would bring in more exposition than you what you have. And I know without you saying so, action is a difficult beast to tame. But in comes with more practice.

 

[Nik]

CTG, TEIN, Terryweide, thank you for your welcome efforts !!

Yes, you are correct, this scene needs lots more work, some big, some small. For example, I've also used 'strength' and 'right' twice in succession, forgotten the sound-effects and frantic-tussle aspects...

A bit of back-story: They're in a warm, interglacial period --Look, no ice-cap !-- so have fuzzy elephants --Straight Tusked-- rather than the eponymous, tundra-roving woolly mammoths we know and love.

Okay, there are but three heffalumps involved here; a medium-sized adult, a smaller adolescent, both female, plus a glimpsed calf. What they are doing up here on the ridge, away from the herd and best grazing, I really don't know. Maybe Momma wanted to give birth in private ??

Uh, my bad explaining the super-spears. Their 'ordinary' spears are tipped by 2.5 inches of a part-buried 4-inch nail-- Painful, but only lethal with luck. Still, that was enough for the kids & Mike to beat off the initial attacks by two small local wolf-packs.

Making 'super spears' was prompted by a close encounter with a Homotherium, a scimitar-toothed cat. That hungry young male was more interested in taking down a deer than tackling a small herd of unfamiliar bipeds well armed with long, straight tusks...

A super-spear's point is tubular, not solid so, cut on the bevel, resembles an over-grown hypodermic needle or carpenter's gouge. It is a nasty weapon, especially when twisted to chew a hole into its victim's guts...

Previous encounters have not gone well for the local wolves-- Most of them acquired painful scars, and a succession of alpha males lost their heads. When the away team saw what they thought was another small pack harassing those three elephants, they decided to run them off...

Turned out that there were more wolves in the long grass. In the away team's favour is the reluctance of previously injured wolves to press their attack too closely...

Okay, no more excuses-- Back to the word processor !!

ps: Dire Wolves were North American, not European...

 

[Boneman]

Hi Nik,

sorry I'm late to the party, but you've been given some pretty good advice from the others. I love fight scenes, but I tend to agree with the others - you're (admirably) trying to pack every bit of action in and it's a problem writers have: how to describe simultaneous actions? You can only write about one at a time, whereas a film will show five lots of attacks happening on screen at the same time (I imagine the screenwriter puts They all attack each other and leaves it up to the director). Effectively, the best director we have is the reader, and if we can give the equivalent of the screenwriter and leave it up to their imagination, we'll have done a pretty good job. This fight is only going to last seconds, a minute a most, and if you can bring that over - the speed at which it happens, I know the reader will get it immediately.

BTW, when did the 1st person narration come in? I haven't been critiquing as much as I did, so there are swathes of posts that I never even looked at, but it adds an element to the story that improves it a lot. Please don't tell me it's always been there, or I'll have to up my medication...

I'd stick with the action from that pov, and have him focused totally on what's happening to him (and possibly anyone who steps in to save him, or vice versa), and when the fight's over he looks around and finds them all breathing hard, maybe with a scratch or two, and dead bodies of the wolves on the ground. If you can bring in the urgency of the 1st person viewing the fight, the reader will instinctively understand the others are doing the same. I'd like more shouts, screams, snarls, barks, howls, fear and so on...

That will shorten the fight a lot, and bring more immediacy to it. For some reason Joe Abercrombie can narrate seiges really well, but not open fights with the same tension (read the First Law Trilogy). It might be worth checking with your favourite books and see how they do it. When it's done well, particularly with characters you care about, it can leave you slightly breathless with the tension.

Good luck with it!

 

[Nik]

Hi, Boneman, and thanks for your input !!

'PfP' has been 1st person from the outset. I found I could tell Mike's 'Inner Voice' better that way...

I have already extensively revised and expanded this section. The action is now more of a frantic meleé, with wolves ducking and diving around those 'in play', spear-thrusts flying thick 'n' fast, desperate parries, glimpsed side action...

Still not there yet: Many sentences need shortening, pace needs doubling...
;-(

 

[Nik]

Take Two...

In truth, nearer twenty-two, but...

===

"Okay, let's go." Spears at the ready, we eased around the Eastern flank of the spinney. Two hundred yards ahead, the middle-sized elephant was stamping around in a patch of now-flattened scrub while, beside her, the smaller elephant matched her tactics.

"Is that a youngster between them ?" Sue pointed.

"Yes." O nodded. "I can see a small trunk, ears."

"And in the grass ?" I had to ask.

"Wolves, I'm sure," Sue decided.

"Wolves," O agreed.

"Diamond up," I directed. Spears levelled, we advanced at a brisk walk.

We reached half-way before the pack's first flanker noticed us. That wolf stood uncertainly. Another appeared from the long grass, turned our way. A third broke off an inward run to study us. A half-dozen more broke cover, considered our approach.

"Where did those come from ?" Dave hissed. Though we'd split their attack, an unknown number were still circling the three elephants.

"Their scars-- That's our first pack." Sue pointed. "But, those others--"

"How can two packs join ?" O puzzled.

"They may be kin." I shrugged. "Or one lot's local and the other's following a herd... Shows there's plenty of food."

For a long minute, we stared at them while they stared at us.

"We must continue, Mister Mike," O said, slowly. "We cannot show weakness."

"O's right." I had butterflies in my stomach, but he'd called it well. "We can take them."

Pace by pace, we closed the gap. One by one, the remaining wolves left their attack on the three elephants, turned our way. The pack's numbers rose-- Ten, twelve, now thirteen faced us.

"Baker's Dozen !" Dave hissed. "Can we still take them ?"

"Yes." O brandished his spears, causing several wolves to cower. "See ? They remember us."

"That still leaves a lot..." Dave was not convinced.

"There'll be less in a minute !" Sue promised.

"Hold here..." I didn't like these odds, but we'd drawn the wolves off the elephants. To my surprise, those were now watching developments rather than retreating.

"Should we advance ?" Sue asked.

We'd distracted the wolves. I did not want to spook the elephants into charging us. "No, we're close enough." I decided, driving the butt of my second spear into a tussock so it stood ready. I levelled the first, my super-spear, then glanced about. To my left and right, O and Sue matched my preparations. Behind me, Dave parked his ordinary spear, readied his BigBird catcher.

We were just in time. One moment, the wolves were just staring at us. The next, they were loping towards us.

If they'd mobbed us, we would have been over-run. Instead, most circled while the boldest cut in to slash at our legs.

Theirs was a good plan, but we'd changed the paradigm.

"Yah !" Yelled O. His huge reach stabbed the super-spear into the lead wolf's flank. The shaft twisted as he clung to it. The tubular head screwed deep into his target's guts. It drew an eldritch shriek. Bright blood spurted. That wolf staggered a few yards, collapsed panting.

A strong, young wolf tried to slip under my guard. I dropped the spear-point into the back of his neck. The blade lifted a curl of flesh, caught in the shoulder joint. Somehow, I held the shaft against that shock. I barely kept the wolf at bay. Our battle stirred the shaft. The point slipped from the shoulder. It stabbed deeper. The wolf yowled, pulled away and kept going, tail between legs.

Another yowl came from my right. It marked Sue's opening thrust. Ripped from muzzle to ear, a large, grey male recoiled. Sue drew back, struck. The point lodged between his ribs. She leaned into the spear. It bowed, but kept him at arm's length. Between jabbing at flankers, I lashed out with my super-spear. It gouged a bloody flap from his haunch. Chastised, he retreated to lick his wounds.

I'd no time to watch, I had incoming. I slammed my spear into the next wolf's shoulder, twisted with all my strength. The curved point chewed ligament, hit bone. Maimed, that wolf fell back, limped away.

To my left, O wrought havoc on his second wolf. He'd pinned the screaming animal with his spear. He was winding the point into its side. Sue fenced another, drawing fresh blood with each rapid thrust.

A scarred, one-eared wolf tried to cut between me and Sue. I lodged my spear in its back, forced it down. The wolf still tried to reach us. He kept pushing. I clung to the shaft, worked it left and right. The raw pole slowly slipped through my desperate grip. Those open jaws were barely a foot from my legs. The wolf's rear suddenly toppled onto the bloody grass. Had the burrowing point hit a nerve ? The spear's shaft kicked against my failing hold. Leverage wrenched the buried point sideways. The stricken wolf shrieked, went into spasm. I tugged out my spear, rammed it into his neck. I twisted the shaft, twisted again. At last, I hit something vital. The wolf collapsed, twitched several times, fell still.

I spared a glimpse for Dave, who was chanting, "Sh**t ! Sh**t ! Sh**t !" He'd switched to his second spear, was furiously jabbing at flankers. His dropped catcher's serrated jaws had a frantic wolf-bitch by her left leg. The central nail was chewing her calf. Desperately trying to bite her strange attacker, every twist and turn made her injury worse.

Sue's one-eared wolf came my way. I thrust. My spear point found its shoulder, skidded off bone and gouged its back. My second blow took a deep bite from its thigh. Sue's swift strike on its muzzle convinced it to retreat.

O's victim was down in a pool of spilled blood and guts. He was eyeing a third. I jabbed at a flanker's hip, then another's neck, drawing blood both times. Then I levelled my spear at the next, a big, black male.

As this wolf snarled his intent, I feinted towards his eyes. The wolf snapped at the spear-head, clunked teeth on the steel. He knew only tusks and frangible bone. Surprised and hurt, he eased the pressure of his broken bite. I did not waste the chance. I tugged the shaft slightly, twisted, thrust. The bevelled steel blade bounced off the wolf's inner jaws. It lanced down his throat, ripping gullet and windpipe. Maddened, the wolf still snapped at the spear. I leaned on the flailing shaft. The steel blade dug deeper and deeper. At last, drowned in his own blood, the big wolf stilled.

I worked my spear clear, risked a hasty side-scan. O's badly injured third was wisely retreating. Dave's first wolf had now escaped its trap, had fled. As Dave jabbed at a grey flanker, Sue drove her point into its ribs. Outnumbered, the flanker retreated widdershins. I feinted a thrust. The thwarted wolf continued to retreat, snarling its fury.

"She's behind you !" Sue called, lightly. The grey wolf turned too late. A grey hill loomed. Momma elephant's right tusk connected. Tossed six feet, half-stunned and whimpering, the battered wolf began to crawl away. Turning, the irate elephant drove her long tusks down, ended its cries.

Faced with a combined defence, the remaining wolves scattered. One was too slow. The adolescent's short, vicious charge spun it into Momma's path. A huge tusk scythed across, connected hard. The wolf tumbled, lay twitching. Momma balefully placed a vast foot on her victim, pressed. Ribs snapped and crunched, life ebbed.

"Road-kill !" Dave whispered, awed.

Vengeance wrought, Momma and her adolescent looked around. The terrified calf peered from between them.

"No sudden moves !" I cautioned, lowering my spear-point to the gore-drenched grass. Beside me, Sue and O followed suit. Dave, suddenly eye to eye with the riled adolescent, almost dropped his spear.

One by one, Momma checked the wolves we'd downed, her trunk exploring them and their terrible wounds. Then, her trunk tracked along the catcher's shaft, from the point's ample blood to Dave's sweat. She hesitated where Dave had clutched it. The trunk rose, reached out towards Dave.

"I'll take this," Sue murmurred. She lifted her left arm to a swan-neck, made a surprisingly deep, rumbling noise. Momma turned slightly. Her trunk's tip swung, met Sue's in-curled fingers, tested her knuckles, palm and wrist. Sue kept making the noise, gently rubbed her palm edge and wrist along the trunk. Momma's trunk tip traced down her arm, sniffed her face and hair. The adolescent looked between her and Dave.

"Sue ?" I whispered.

"I'm good," she breathed. "Copy me."

 

[Nik]

Read 'current' or ' ' for 'one-eared'...
;-(

 

[mosaix]

Nik, my initial impression of the fight is that it's too easy. Spear thrusts seem to make contact every time. Wolves, like dogs, are fast on their feet and would use evasion making at least some of the thrusts miss.

When I was a boy we had a dog at home and I used to play games with him in the garden. He knew the rules, he stood at one end of the garden I stood in the middle and he had to get past me - he won every time. He'd charge, come close, wait for me to commit myself, side step and be past me. Then we'd play again.

Don't forget these wolves would be skilled at evading elephant tusks, they'd know what they were doing. You need to let a couple of them get through and inflict a bit of damage before 'going down'.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

I think Mosaix makes a fair point.

I'm not sure the weapon of choice for wolf fighting is a spear. There's too much reaching out, which would give a tempting target for opportunistic teeth. I suspect a baseball bat, or dare I say 'cricket bat' would be more useful (or and axe maybe). They have a bigger contact area and shorter reach so that a swing that missed wouldn't carry the arms of the spear holder to far round.

Spears are great but they can penetrate too far and the bindings can get lodged between ribs and joints. Your tubular spear seems OK at first, but since the 'needle' is blocked at the shaft end, I doubt it would be as useful as you think. It would become clogged up, either with dirt or flesh, making it either useless and blunt, or pretty nasty to carry around. The stink would attract the wolves though if that is what you want: the problem there is, that every other animal would avoid you like the plague - and rightly so.

I can't think of any reason why a survival/improvisation tale that wouldn't have bows in them. That would give a change/alternative to the death description and allow the wolves to reduced in numbers before they get close.

A long bow is a fearsome weapon in experienced hands - Ask the french.


I also think rather than standing the spears straight up, they would be better angled outward, so they might impale the occasional wolf.

 

[Hex]

Re: Take Two...

Hi Nik

I loved the tone of this. I'd love to know more about this world. In terms of the action, here are some comments completely off the top of my head and not based in any claim to knowledge at all:

Theirs was a good plan, but we'd changed the paradigm.

I didn't understand 'changed the paradigm' (and I do know what paradigm means, sort of, but just as the action's starting it made me stop and go 'huh?' because I had to, you know, think)

"Yah !" Yelled O. [too much - O is yelling that's great, but "Yah!" is a yell so I would lose either "Yah!" or "Yelled O."] His huge reach stabbed the super-spear into the lead wolf's flank. [All that matters here (I think) is that O. is first to tackle a wolf. I would drop 'his huge reach' (probably) but certainly that it's a super-spear, unless it's really important to know]The shaft twisted as he clung to it. [great]The tubular head screwed deep into his target's guts.[I'd drop tubular head - it's detail and I want action - 'his target's' is too much, I think] It drew an eldritch shriek. Bright blood spurted. That wolf staggered a few yards, collapsed panting.

I think there's a bit much detail for me here - it's really exciting, but I'm slowed by all the stuff I have to see. I'm not awfully good at combining understanding and emotion when I'm reading... (I know lots of people feel really differently and love the detail).

A strong, young wolf tried to slip under my guard. [you're seeing a lot of detail with 'strong and young'] I dropped the spear-point into the back of his neck. The blade lifted a curl of flesh, caught in the shoulder joint. Somehow, I held the shaft against that shock. I barely kept the wolf at bay. Our battle stirred the shaft. ['our battle' implies the wolf is doing something - but I kind of had an impression of standing still from the rest of it - which was insane, I realise] The point slipped from the shoulder. It stabbed deeper. The wolf yowled, pulled away and kept going, tail between legs. [Yuck to the curl of flesh - nice fight detail, I thought.]

Another yowl came from my right. It marked Sue's opening thrust. Ripped from muzzle to ear, a large, grey male recoiled. Sue drew back, struck. The point lodged between his ribs. She leaned into the spear. It bowed, but kept him at arm's length. Between jabbing at flankers, I lashed out with my super-spear. It gouged a bloody flap from his haunch. Chastised, he retreated to lick his wounds.

I'd no time to watch, I had incoming. I slammed my spear into the next wolf's shoulder, twisted with all my strength. The curved point chewed ligament, hit bone. [This bit, I thought, was brilliant - absolutely spot on tight, exciting, almost impressionistic.] Maimed, that wolf fell back, limped away.

To my left, O wrought havoc on his second wolf. He'd pinned the screaming animal with his spear. He was winding the point into its side. Sue fenced another, drawing fresh blood with each rapid thrust.

A scarred, one-eared wolf tried to cut between me and Sue. I lodged my spear in its back, forced it down. The wolf still tried to reach us. He kept pushing. I clung to the shaft, worked it left and right. The raw pole slowly slipped through my desperate grip. Those open jaws were barely a foot from my legs. The wolf's rear suddenly toppled onto the bloody grass. Had the burrowing point hit a nerve ? The spear's shaft kicked against my failing hold. Leverage wrenched the buried point sideways. The stricken wolf shrieked, went into spasm. I tugged out my spear, rammed it into his neck. I twisted the shaft, twisted again. At last, I hit something vital. The wolf collapsed, twitched several times, fell still.

I spared a glimpse for Dave, who was chanting, "Sh**t ! Sh**t ! Sh**t !" [great! A man after my own heart] He'd switched to his second spear, was furiously jabbing at flankers. His dropped catcher's serrated jaws had a frantic wolf-bitch by her left leg. The central nail was chewing her calf. Desperately trying to bite her strange attacker, every twist and turn made her injury worse.

Sue's one-eared wolf came my way. I thrust. My spear point found its shoulder, skidded off bone and gouged its back. My second blow took a deep bite from its thigh. Sue's swift strike on its muzzle convinced it to retreat. [again, I loved this paragraph - really great action]

O's victim was down in a pool of spilled blood and guts. He was eyeing a third. I jabbed at a flanker's hip, then another's neck, drawing blood both times. Then I levelled my spear at the next, a big, black male.

As this wolf snarled his intent, I feinted towards his eyes. The wolf snapped at the spear-head, clunked teeth on the steel. He knew only tusks and frangible bone. Surprised and hurt, he eased the pressure of his broken bite. I did not waste the chance. I tugged the shaft slightly, twisted, thrust. The bevelled steel blade bounced off the wolf's inner jaws. It lanced down his throat, ripping gullet and windpipe. Maddened, the wolf still snapped at the spear. I leaned on the flailing shaft. The steel blade dug deeper and deeper. At last, drowned in his own blood, the big wolf stilled. [uh. Yuk. But again I thought this was great. I may need to be sick now.]

So, for me, this is great - in a fairly disgusting sort of way (disgusting good, not disgusting bad). There are some really fantastic bits which are immediate and exciting. Elsewhere I tend to get distracted by detail - and part of this is that the narrator is incredibly clear-sighted in the midst of a pack of attacking wolves. I know stress can sometimes bring about a sort of tremendous clarity, but it pulls me away from the drama to know - for example - the detail of what happens to every wolf when it's defeated. Does that makes sense? In my head, it's like the other wolves are hanging back until Wolf A has been observed limping off into the forest and only then do they attack.

I know it's not like that, it's just because I know x has happened I think the narrator is standing watching it happen. Boneman suggested writing it all simply as it impacts on the POV guy, and that's a great idea. As it stands, I think I'm getting too much of the narration as sort of from above (even though it is first person) because how can s/he be seeing all that?

I found this tough to comment on, because I did enjoy it and it took me several goes to try to understand why I was reacting to bits of it in one way, and bits in another. Good luck with it.

 

[Nik]

Again, thanks for your careful comments !!

Mosaix, my Beloved Spouse grew up with 'German Shepherds', so I have nothing but respect for any big wuff's speed, power, intelligence and potential for ferocity. The difference here is that most of these wolves do not know people. They certainly did not know pole-arms such as spears. Prior to this incident, away teams mauled the small packs of wolves who attacked them. The usual outcome was the bloody demise of the alpha-male. After local wolves learned about nail-tipped spears used as thrusting weapons, they were surprised by thrown spears. Then a few, precious, tubular-tipped super-spears came along, to cull the incautious....
"Yes." O brandished his spears, causing several wolves to cower. "See ? They remember us."
Those wolves, at least, will hang back...

TEIN, you have a valid point about bows. Making them, however, is non-trivial. A springy stick and some string will knock down a rabbit for the pot, but building a serious weapon is hard. For a start, you need seasoned timber lest your bow snap. Then, there's the long path to developing strength and skill...

To be honest, I forgot about stink accumulating in super-spears' tubular blade but, as a lot happens beyond narrator Mike's sight, I must assume that 6'-8" O organises the cleaning and maintenance of spears, shanks and bolas...

Hex, you've gone to a lot of trouble with your detailed comments-- Thanks !!
Mike, a temporary 'camp-leader', who's found himself de-facto chief of a six-strong mini-tribe of D-Team teens, was a farmer's son who became an Archaeologist. He's spent their six weeks to date juggling critical priorities, trying not to make fatal mistakes. They've benefited from the fauna's naivety when it came to hunting. The deer literally do not see them as threats, and use of bolas mean that no injured deer escape for their herd to learn...

Well, I haven't finished tweaking this difficult section, but I hope you'll agree it is much better than the first version...

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

Again, thanks for your careful comments !!

...

TEIN, you have a valid point about bows. Making them, however, is non-trivial. A springy stick and some string will knock down a rabbit for the pot, but building a serious weapon is hard. For a start, you need seasoned timber lest your bow snap. Then, there's the long path to developing strength and skill...

To be honest, I forgot about stink accumulating in super-spears' tubular blade but, as a lot happens beyond narrator Mike's sight, I must assume that 6'-8" O organises the cleaning and maintenance of spears, shanks and bolas...

OK, but bows can be made from other things than springy sticks.

Springy horn, steel and, if a cross bow, rubber etc.

These materials are just as likely to be available as tubular steel shafts.

Cheers

TEiN

 

[Nik]

TEiN, if only they had more 'available' metal than two boxes of nails and the two-foot pipe that the mesh litter bin hung from...

Their tent-poles are whippy fibre-glass hoops, their tent-pegs are plastic...

The nearest iron ore is at least a long day's hike away, would need mining from outcrops, crushing, smelting and smithing. They'd need ample charcoal, which would need a lot of timber felled, dried and charred. They'd need a semi-permanent away-camp, which would mean there's too few at the secure base-camp to hunt effectively or fell / haul fire wood...

They dare not leave the base-camp unguarded as they are growing fruit, herbs and potatoes, must weed and water daily...

As they say, a dozen would be so different...

 

[Jake Reynolds]

Heya, nit-picky first:

"I can see a small trunk, ears."

Not from two hundred yards away with grass long enough to obscure wolves, he can’t.

"Wolves, I'm sure," Sue decided.

"Wolves," O agreed.

"Diamond up," I directed.

Watch the framing here. Commas should only be used to end dialogue if you’re following it with a ‘speech’ word. You should use a full stop, or better yet have something like:

“Wolves, I’m sure,’ Sue said, her mind apparently made up.
O nodded in agreement. ‘Wolves.’

There are a number of other dialogue frames that are incorrect. Usually you can sneak a few through, but (and again I hate to be so nit-picky and I apologise) it’s fairly consistent- O puzzled, Sue promised, I cautioned, and so on.

Theirs was a good plan, but we'd changed the paradigm.

This was mentioned earlier, and it think it bears attention. I’m not sure why, but this sentence seems a little clunky with ‘paradigm’. Changed the play, changed the game maybe, not sure, but given the relaxed narrative so far it jumps from the page and takes the reader out of the story.

I think that there is too much detail in the action, simply because it doesn't work in a first person situation (and would barely work in a third person). If he's engrossed with survival, he'd have no idea what was happening around him apart from knowing that his comrades were still standing. Imagine playing a fast paced arcade game and then trying to watch the game the person beside you is playing at the same time. I’d focus solely on his fights and forget the others. This will trim the action without short-changing it. Something like “I spared a glance to see that the others were still standing, but I couldn’t afford more than that.”

And a final nit-pick: His dropped catcher's serrated jaws had a frantic wolf-bitch by her left leg.

There’s no way he’d be able to tell the sex of the wolves if it’s that frantic.

Hope this helps, but as ever this is just one person’s opinion on a forum and doesn’t mean a whole mess of beans.

 

[HareBrain]

"Wolves, I'm sure," Sue decided.

"Wolves," O agreed.

"Diamond up," I directed.

Watch the framing here. Commas should only be used to end dialogue if you’re following it with a ‘speech’ word. You should use a full stop, or better yet have something like:

Not intending to derail the thread, but I think it's pertinent as I remember Nik having trouble with dialogue punctuation in the past, and this has now confused me.

I would have accepted all of those. I might not have used them myself, but I think the punctuation is correct. I know people sometimes use non-speech tags as in ["Yay, I'm so happy," he grinned] which is wrong, but in this context, don't "decided" and "directed" count as speech-words?

 

[The Judge]

The "agreed" and "directed" I'd accept as speech tags, the "decided" I think is borderline, and I'd suggest Nik use something else. But personally, I think Dubrech's replacements are far better, and I'd recommend Nik to follow those ideas, if only to give variation to the speech tags as a whole which otherwise become very repetitive in feel.

 

[Nik]

Again, thanks for the suggestions !!

I shall review those dialogue tags forthwith. As HareBrain mentioned, I've had trouble with such. I still do. I even picked up a couple *after* I copy/pasted this chunk into SFF...
==

"Not from two hundred yards away with grass long enough to obscure wolves, he can’t."

Well, yes, he can-- O's a guy you look up to...

===From Day One, as Mike logs the party onto the bus. ===

I pulled out my clip board. "Okay, who have we got ? Call out..."

Jenny Overleath, a plump blonde, seemed blessed with a permanent smile. Dave Brown, the stockier of the two shorter youths, had a dour expression. Alys Potter was Jenny's opposite. Too thin, she wore her brunette hair in a short bob, her lips in a tight scowl. Sue Dean was so lanky, so plain, I'd initially mistaken her for a youth. Her mousey hair, cut boyish, and her clear contralto lent ambiguity. Henry Wright, thinner than Dave, seemed haunted.

That brought me to the third youth. A clear foot taller than my six, he was dark as old oak, knife-thin. He moved like a preying mantis. "And you are ?"

"O."

"Oh ?" I checked my list.

"O."

"Aha..." I ticked off 'O (Only)' and closed the cover. "Welcome aboard ! We've some shopping to do, so we're not going far."
===

O later admits that his full name sounds better chanted to drums...

 

[Hex]

I have one tiny comment to make in passing, which is that I didn't see "youth" as necessarily exclusively male -- or not strongly enough for the bit about Sue to run smoothly in my head -- I read "I'd initially mistaken her for a youth" and thought "but she is one" before I realised. It's hardly a major issue. If it's a well-established term in your story already then I think my mini-problem would go away.

Loved the "oh" bit - truly loved the whole description of O.

(wasn't sure if that bit was for comment or not, sorry if not!)