P for Pleistocene: Making allies...

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All I'm going to say, is I love the story idea.
It's something I would want to read and I enjoyed the bit you posted.
So don't lose heart and keep tweaking. :)
 
moRe: P for Pleistocene: Making allies...

Much revision later, there's this...
(I'm up to file version Pleisto_0070q ;-)
===

"Is that a youngster between them ?" Sue pointed.

"Yes." O nodded. "I can see a small trunk, ears."

"And in the grass ?" I had to ask.

Sue took a few moments to decide. "Wolves, I'm sure."

"Wolves," O agreed.

"Diamond up," I directed. Spears levelled, we advanced at a brisk walk.

===
===

If they'd mobbed us, we would have been over-run. Instead, most circled while the boldest cut in to slash at our legs.

Theirs was a good plan, but we'd changed the paradigm.

"Yah !" Yelled O. His huge reach stabbed the super-spear into the lead wolf's flank. The shaft twisted as he clung to it. The tubular head screwed deep into his target's guts. It drew an eldritch shriek. Bright blood spurted.

I'd a wolf of my own. I stabbed at his skull. He swerved. My strike raked his right shoulder. I snatched the spear back, drove down, two-handed. The blade's tip hooked into the wolf's back. It chewed through muscle, caught on a rib. He spun, yowling. I almost lost my grip as the shaft's leverage parted his ribs. The blade suddenly sank several inches. It must have hurt. He shrieked, pulled away and kept going.

To my left, O's wolf had staggered a few yards, collapsed panting. That glance was my lot. A strong, young wolf tried to slip under my guard. I dropped the spear-point into the back of his neck. The blade lifted a curl of flesh, caught in the shoulder joint. Somehow, I held the shaft against that shock. I barely kept the wolf at bay. Our battle stirred the shaft. The point slipped from the shoulder. It stabbed deeper. The wolf yowled and fled, tail between legs.

Another yowl came from my right. Sue's spear was on target. Ripped from muzzle to ear, a large, grey male recoiled. Sue drew back, struck again. The point lodged between his ribs. She leaned into the spear. It bowed, but kept him at arm's length. Between jabbing at flankers, I lashed out with my super-spear. It gouged a bloody flap from his haunch. Chastised, he retreated to lick his wounds.

I'd no time to watch; I had incoming. I slammed my spear into the next wolf's shoulder. He kept on. I twisted as hard as I could. The curved point chewed ligament, hit bone. Maimed, that wolf fell back, limped away.

To my left, O wrought havoc on his second wolf. He'd pinned the screaming animal with his spear. He was winding the point into its side. Sue fenced another, drawing fresh blood with each rapid thrust.

A scarred, one-eared wolf tried to cut between me and Sue. I lodged my spear in its back, forced it down. The wolf still tried to reach us. He kept pushing. I clung to the shaft, worked it left and right. The raw pole slowly slipped through my desperate grip. Those open jaws were barely a foot from my legs. The wolf's rear suddenly toppled onto the bloody grass. Had the burrowing point hit a nerve ? The spear's shaft kicked against my failing hold. Leverage wrenched the buried point sideways. The stricken wolf shrieked, went into spasm. I tugged out my spear, rammed it into his neck. I twisted the shaft, twisted again. At last, I hit something vital. The wolf collapsed, twitched several times, fell still.

I spared a glimpse for Dave, who was chanting, "Sh**t ! Sh**t ! Sh**t !" He'd switched to his second spear, was furiously jabbing at flankers. His dropped catcher's serrated jaws had a frantic wolf-bitch by her left leg. The central nail was chewing her calf. Desperately trying to bite her strange, snaky attacker, every twist and turn made her injury worse.

Sue's wolf came my way. I thrust. My spear point found its shoulder, skidded off bone and gouged its back. My second blow took a deep bite from its thigh. Sue's swift strike on its muzzle convinced it to retreat.

O's victim was down in a pool of spilled blood and guts. He was eyeing a third. I jabbed at a flanker's hip, then another's neck, drawing blood both times. Then I levelled my spear at the next, a big, black male.

As this wolf snarled his intent, I feinted towards his eyes. The wolf snapped at the spear-head, clunked teeth on the steel. He knew only wood and tusks and frangible bone; Surprised and hurt, he eased the pressure of his broken bite. I did not waste the chance. I tugged the shaft slightly, twisted, thrust. The bevelled steel blade bounced off the wolf's inner jaws. It lanced down his throat, ripping gullet and windpipe. Maddened, the wolf still snapped at the spear. I leaned on the flailing shaft. The steel blade dug deeper and deeper. At last, drowned in his own blood, the big wolf stilled.

I worked my spear clear, risked a hasty side-scan. O's badly injured third was wisely retreating. Dave's first wolf had now escaped its trap, had fled. As Dave parried a dark flanker, Sue drove her point into its ribs. Outnumbered, the wolf retreated widdershins. I feinted a thrust. The thwarted wolf continued to retreat, snarling its fury.

"She's behind you !" Sue called, lightly. The dark wolf turned too late. A grey hill loomed. Momma elephant's right tusk connected. Tossed six feet, half-stunned and whimpering, the battered wolf began to crawl away. Turning, the irate elephant drove her long tusks down, ended its cries.

Faced with a combined defence, the remaining wolves scattered. One was too slow. The adolescent's short, vicious charge spun it into Momma's path. A huge tusk scythed across, connected hard. The wolf tumbled, lay twitching. Momma balefully placed a vast foot on her victim, pressed. Ribs snapped and crunched, life ebbed.

"Road-kill !" Dave whispered, awed.
 
Re: moRe: P for Pleistocene: Making allies...

Don't worry Nik. Sometimes it's about going back and doing it over and over till you are done with it. But sometimes it helps if you move on and leave the stuff behind as you subconscious mind will work on the problem and one day, you might get a sudden idea on how to really do it.

Much revision later, there's this...
(I'm up to file version Pleisto_0070q ;-)
===

"Is that a youngster between them ?" Sue pointed her spear towards the herd.

For a moment we all gazed the group before O said, "Yep."

But it wasn't all we could see at the grassland as I was sure there was something else there. Something hidden, and that something hidden wasn't a blood big snake that was slowly slithering through the growth, as those something were far more familiar.

"Wolves," Sue said suddenly.

"Yep," O agreed. "Wolves!"

"Form a diamond," I ordered as the four spears we already lowering down when I started moving towards the herd. Although our senses were sharpened up, it didn't take long before the herd Matriach had noticed the thread but at that point, it was all ready too late in a blink of eye I saw a black streak leaping up.

Instinctively I thrust my spear, only scraping the black fur as the wolf landed on me and forced me on ground. Its jaws snapped close on my throat, and for a moment I thought I was going to meet my maker, but then as the adrenaline drove out the fear, I saw a piece of cloth in his mouth.

I didn't wait for it to realise it's mistake as I snapped my left hand around its throat as my right hand seek the pummel of my knife.

"Get off him," Dave yelled as the wolf pushed down like a hell-hound. The moment I had a knife in my hand, the wolf yelped. Its body arched back as I saw a spear withdrew, dripping blood on my face. Feeling that moment had arrived I quickly turned the knife on my finger and pushed it upwards. Warm blood gushed on my fingers as the wolves body went suddenly limp. But the danger wasn't over, as I saw the whole pack rounding around us.

"Don't let leap," I shouted as I got back on my feet, knife in one hand, another seeking the spear from the grass. The moment I clasped fingers around it, the biggest one leaped.

"Yah!" O growled as his huge reach found a target. The spear shaft bend as he clung to it when the tubular head screwed deep into the eldrich guts. But its assault didn't came alone as from corner of my eye, I saw Sue's spear finding a target. The tip ripped a grey male from muzzle to ear. As the wolf recoiled, she struck again.


I didn't see it how it ended as I had my hand full of incoming. This time standing tall, I slammed the spear between wolf's shoulders. It went down, but kept going. So I twisted the shaft as hard a I could. The curved point chewed ligament, hit bone.

As I withdrew the wolf fell back and limped away when I heard a blood howl on my left as O wrought havoc on his second. Then on my right Sue was already fencing another, drawing blood with rabid thrusts, when a scarred, one-eared wolf cut between me and her.

I lodged my spear in its back, forced it down. But this time the wolf didn't give up. It kept pushing, bending and twisting the shaft when the raw pole slipped from my grip, and I saw my moment arriving when the wolf opened his and snapped them close just next to boot. It was almost as if God had saved me when wolf's rear landed on bloody grass.

What the... flashed in my mind as the spear's shaft kicked against my failing hold. Leverage wrenched the buried point sideways. The stricken wolf shrieked, went into spasm. I tugged out my spear, rammed it into his neck. I twisted the shaft, twisted again. At last, I hit something vital. The wolf collapsed, twitched several times, fell still.

I spared a glimpse for Dave, who was chanting, "Sh**t ! Sh**t ! Sh**t !" He'd switched to his second spear and was furiously jabbing at flankers.

I hope that shows you how it could be done. It obviously needs polishing and even editing, but the thing that I'm trying to drive through is the point that with first person POV you should try to keep the combat as close to you as you can, and let all the others work around you. If they move a target at your reach, you move your attention to it, work through the action narrative and then repeat till you are clear.

The combat doesn't have to go on and on, and as soon as you have done few moves, you can speed up the flow and move to end. And this time, I would like you to see you working on the end, and just polishing the beginning.
 
Hi Nik,

I enjoyed the story but where I had difficulty was in the transition from the wolves attacking the elephants to the humans. It seemed like that was glossed over and just because the humans approached with spears the wolves changed their attack to them from their natural prey.
From what I've seen of wolves the pack would keep the mother occupied and try to isolate the calf. I've always thought of wolves as particularly intelligent and I guess I was looking for a reason why they would redirect their attack. Also if the humans did do something as crazy as rushing in between them would a frenzied mother elephant know to differentiate or see it as another threat and then if the wolves suddenly desisted their attack. Would she try to get her calf away or what is the logical thing for her to do.

The redone fight scene is much more detailed, just give me a good reason why they would choose to attack the humans instead. :)
 
A) The four people are in the combined packs' territory.

B) The four people want to steal a kill from the pack.
( Or prevent them from making said kill ??)

C) The four people look easier prey than an irate Momma Heffalump plus Sidekick.
 
A) The four people are in the combined packs' territory.

B) The four people want to steal a kill from the pack.
( Or prevent them from making said kill ??)

C) The four people look easier prey than an irate Momma Heffalump plus Sidekick.

Ok cool so your wolves are more territorial then other wolves and will try to attack at least scare off anything that interferes with them and their objective or anything in their area?
I take it they haven't had any confrontations with humans (or humanoid beings) before much either since they don't seem to have any natural fear.
I can understand your reasonings now that you explain it Nik but I'd like to get at least a flavor or hint of that in the piece :)

By the time I'd gotten to read your story almost everyone else had already pointed out their take on things on what really worked and what didn't. I guess I was just trying to get an idea why humans are interfering with the natural order of things predator vs prey, the dymamic that would make the pack redirect their attack and the "Heffalumps" immediate reaction to that redirection.

You probably have all the answers to every question I have either in another part of story or in your head, I'm just telling you in my mind those were the questions I asked when everything took place. I don't need to know everything and I don't think you should as an artist tell everything or it quickly becomes boring but I kept looking for a least a hint either in word action that would partially explain things. Even if it was an obscure one.
 
Sorry, Kerri, this unfortunate excerpt is my current 'work in progress', set about 120k and 42 'days' into their sojourn.

As yet, the seven have seen no evidence that there are hominids, never mind humans, about. The deer herds don't treat them as threats, and the use of bolas keeps it that way. The local wolves, having lost a succession of alpha-males, are developing caution...
"Yes." O brandished his spears, causing several wolves to cower. "See ? They remember us."

I'm giving it yet-another re-write, to make the action a little more desperate, a little less 'NatGeoWild'...
 
Nik,

I wouldn't call it unfortunate at all... I think it has alot of promise. I think I was just expecting wolflike behavior since you identified them as wolves.

*Laugh* If if makes you feel better my 75 word challenge isn't doing so hot so maybe I shouldn't be critiquing ;)

If you wanted to actually read an excerpt of mine you'd have to go back a few years its been so long since I posted one, but then you would see yours is not unfortunate. :eek:
 
How very odd; I thought I'd posted this 'new, improved' version yesterday...
===

"Yah !" Yelled O. His huge reach stabbed the super-spear into the lead wolf's flank. The shaft twisted as he clung to it. The tubular head screwed deep into his target's guts. It drew an eldritch shriek. Bright blood spurted.

I'd a wolf of my own. I stabbed at his skull. He swerved. My strike barely raked his right shoulder. Sue jabbed his left flank, distracting him. He turned her way. I snatched my spear clear, drove down, two-handed. The blade's tip hooked into the wolf's back. It chewed through muscle, caught on a rib. He spun, yowling. I almost lost my grip as the shaft's leverage parted his ribs. The blade suddenly sank several inches. It must have hurt. He shrieked, pulled away and kept going.

I'd just time to glance around. O's wolf had staggered a few yards, collapsed panting. My hasty thrust at a flanker spun him into O's range. The chance did not pass. O's super-spear slammed home, tripping the wolf. Sue's strong strike on a questing muzzle sent one packing. Wielding his Catcher as a bident, Dave kept several threats at bay.

Then a strong, young wolf tried to slip under my guard. I dropped the spear-point into the back of his neck. The blade lifted a curl of flesh, caught in the shoulder joint. Somehow, I held the shaft against that shock. I barely held off the wolf. Our battle stirred the shaft. The point slipped from the shoulder. It stabbed deeper. The wolf yowled and fled, tail between legs.

Another yowl came from my right. Sue's spear was on target. Ripped from muzzle to ear, a large, grey male recoiled. Sue drew back, struck again. The point lodged between his ribs. She leaned into the spear. It bowed, but kept him at arm's length. Between jabbing at flankers, I lashed out with my super-spear. It gouged a bloody flap from his haunch. Chastised, he retreated to lick his wounds.

I'd no time to watch; I had incoming. I slammed my spear into the next wolf's shoulder. He kept on. I twisted as hard as I could. The curved point chewed ligament, hit bone. Maimed, that wolf fell back, limped away.

To my left, O wrought havoc on his second wolf. He'd pinned the screaming animal with his spear. He was winding the point into its side. Sue fenced another, drawing fresh blood with each rapid thrust.

A scarred, one-eared wolf tried to cut between me and Sue. I lodged my spear in its back, forced it down. The wolf still tried to reach us. He kept pushing. I clung to the shaft, worked it left and right. The raw pole slowly slipped through my desperate grip. Those open jaws were barely a foot from my legs. I'd get one off-balance kick; I had to make it count. Then the wolf's rear just toppled to the bloody grass. Had my burrowing point hit a nerve ? The spear's shaft kicked against my failing hold. Leverage wrenched the buried point sideways. The stricken wolf shrieked, went into spasm. I tugged out my spear, rammed it into his neck. I twisted the shaft, twisted again. At last, I hit something vital. The wolf collapsed, twitched several times, fell still.

I spared a glimpse for Dave, who was chanting, "Sh**t ! Sh**t ! Sh**t !" He'd switched to his second spear, was furiously jabbing at flankers. His dropped catcher's serrated jaws had a frantic wolf-bitch by her left leg. The central nail was chewing her calf. Desperately trying to bite her strange, snaky attacker, every twist and turn made her injury worse.

Sue's wolf came my way. I thrust. My spear point found its shoulder, skidded off bone and gouged its back. My second blow took a deep bite from its thigh. Sue's swift strike on its muzzle convinced it to retreat.

With his victim down in a pool of spilled blood and guts, O eyed a growling third. I jabbed at a flanker's hip, then another's neck, drawing blood both times. Then I levelled my spear at the next, a big, black male.

As this wolf snarled his intent, I feinted towards his eyes. The wolf snapped at the spear-head, clunked teeth on the steel. He knew only wood and tusks and frangible bone; Surprised and hurt, he eased the pressure of his broken bite. I did not waste the chance. I tugged the shaft slightly, twisted, thrust. The bevelled steel blade bounced off the wolf's inner jaws. It lanced down his throat, ripping gullet and windpipe. Maddened, the wolf still snapped at the spear. I leaned on the flailing shaft. The steel blade dug deeper and deeper. At last, drowned in his own blood, the big wolf stilled.

I worked my spear clear, risked a hasty side-scan. O's injured third was wisely retreating. Dave's first wolf had now escaped its trap, had fled. As Dave parried a dark flanker, Sue drove her point into its ribs. Outnumbered, the wolf retreated widdershins. I feinted a thrust. The thwarted wolf continued to retreat, snarling its fury.

"She's behind you !" Sue called, lightly. The dark wolf turned too late. A grey hill loomed. Momma elephant's right tusk connected. Tossed six feet, half-stunned and whimpering, the battered wolf began to crawl away. Turning, the irate elephant drove her long tusks down, ended its cries.

Faced with a combined defence, the remaining wolves scattered. One was too slow. The adolescent's short, vicious charge spun it into Momma's path. A huge tusk scythed across, connected hard. The wolf tumbled, lay twitching. Momma balefully placed a vast foot on her victim, pressed. Ribs snapped and crunched, life ebbed.

"Road-kill !" Dave whispered, awed.
 
Good. Not excellent, but much, much better. You're learning and getting better with this craft. Now, what do you think about this version - compared to the first version?

The only problem that you have - in this version - is pacing (the flow). And I personally believe you could nip and tuck the description here and there. I'm not going to show you where, because I think you can do it on your own, and if not, I think I should grand a chance on that for other people (if they agree on my assessment).

And Nik, I'm sorry if I have hurt your feelings in this process. My aim was to make you better, not to hurt you. I'm sorry for being so harsh.
 
I like it a lot (well, not "like" maybe, but "find very effective"). It's kind of difficult to critique this sort of piece in isolation because pacing - in my opinion - is relative. ie: compared to the way you normally write is this fast-paced? (I haven't seen a lot of your other stuff, but I think it is).

I think the bit with O at the start should be: "Yah!" yelled O. (ie: no capital letter at "yelled"). I'm not sure because I still haven't got dialogue quite sorted in my head, but I think so.

My only other point is that while most of this is now brilliantly immediate, the narrator still seems to be watching wolves vanish into the trees sometimes, and for me that slowed things down. e.g. "Chatised, he retreated to lick his wounds" I'm not an idiot (all the time), I know the character doesn't actually watch the wolf settle down to lick his wounds, but that was the picture in my head nonetheless.

But I think this is great and very well-written.
 
Yet another try...

The same section, but further tweaked and tightened per comments..
===

"Yah !" Yelled O. His huge reach stabbed the super-spear into the lead wolf's flank. The shaft twisted as he clung to it. The tubular head screwed deep into his target's guts. It drew an eldritch shriek. Bright blood spurted.

I'd a wolf of my own. I stabbed at his skull. He swerved. My strike barely raked his right shoulder. Sue jabbed his flank, distracting him. He turned her way. I snatched my spear clear, drove down, two-handed. The blade's tip hooked into the wolf's back. It chewed through muscle, caught on a rib. He spun, yowling. I almost lost my grip as the shaft's leverage parted his ribs. The blade suddenly sank several inches. It must have hurt. He shrieked, pulled away and kept going.

I'd just time to glance around. O's wolf had staggered a few yards, collapsed panting. My hasty thrust at a flanker spun him into O's range. The chance did not pass. O's super-spear slammed home, tripping the wolf. Sue's strong strike on a questing muzzle sent one packing. Wielding his Catcher as a bident, Dave kept several threats at bay.

A strong, young wolf tried to slip under my guard. I dropped the spear-point into the back of his neck. The blade lifted a curl of flesh, caught in the shoulder joint. Somehow, I held the shaft against that shock. The wolf fought to close with me. Our battle stirred the shaft. The point slipped from the shoulder. It stabbed deeper. The wolf yowled and fled, tail between legs.

Another yowl came from my right. Sue's spear was on target. Ripped from muzzle to ear, a large, grey male recoiled. Sue drew back, struck again. The nail point lodged between his ribs. Sue leaned into the spear. It bowed but kept him at arm's length. The green-wood shaft began to buckle, to splinter. Between jabbing at flankers, I lashed out with my super-spear. It gouged a bloody flap from the wolf's haunch. Chastised, he ran. Sue dropped the ruined spear, grabbed for her spare.

I'd no time to watch; I had incoming. I slammed my spear into the next wolf's shoulder. He kept on. I twisted as hard as I could. The curved point chewed ligament, hit bone. Maimed, that wolf fell back, limped away.

To my left, O wrought havoc on his second wolf. He'd pinned the screaming animal with his spear. He was winding the point into its side. Sue fenced another, drawing fresh blood with each rapid thrust.

A scarred, one-eared wolf tried to cut between me and Sue. I lodged my spear in its back, forced it down. The wolf still tried to reach us. He kept pushing. I clung to the shaft, worked it left and right. The raw pole slowly slipped through my desperate grip. Those open jaws were barely a foot from my legs. I'd get one off-balance kick; I had to make it count. Then the wolf stumbled. Had my burrowing point hit a nerve ? His back legs folded. His rear just flopped to the bloody grass. The spear's shaft kicked against my failing hold. Leverage wrenched the buried point sideways. The stricken wolf shrieked, went into spasm. I tugged out my spear, rammed it into his neck. I twisted the shaft, twisted again. At last, I hit something vital. The wolf collapsed, twitched several times, fell still.

I spared a glimpse for Dave, who was chanting, "Sh**t ! Sh**t ! Sh**t !" He'd switched to his second spear, was furiously jabbing at flankers. His dropped catcher's serrated jaws had a frantic wolf-bitch by the leg. The central nail was chewing her calf. Desperately trying to bite her strange, snaky attacker, every twist and turn made her injury worse.

Sue's wolf came my way. I thrust. My spear point found its shoulder, skidded off bone and gouged its back. My second blow took a deep bite from its thigh. Sue's swift strike on its muzzle convinced it to retreat.

With his victim down in a strew of blood and guts, O eyed a growling third. I jabbed at a flanker's hip, then another's neck, drawing blood each time. Then I levelled my spear at the next, a big, black male.

As this wolf snarled his intent, I feinted towards his eyes. The wolf snapped at the spear-head, clunked teeth on the steel. He knew only wood and tusks and frangible bone; Surprised and hurt, he eased the pressure of his broken bite. I did not waste the chance. I tugged the shaft slightly, twisted, thrust. My bevelled steel bounced off the wolf's palate. It lanced down his throat, ripping gullet and windpipe. Maddened, the wolf still snapped at the spear. I leaned on the flailing shaft. The steel blade dug deeper and deeper. At last, drowned in his own blood, the big wolf stilled.

I worked my spear clear, snatched a side-scan. O's injured third was wisely retreating. Dave's first wolf had now escaped its trap, had fled. As Dave parried a dark flanker, Sue drove her point into its ribs. Outnumbered, the wolf retreated widdershins. I feinted a thrust. The thwarted wolf continued to retreat, snarling its fury.

"She's behind you !" Sue called, lightly. The dark wolf turned too late. A grey hill loomed. Momma elephant's right tusk connected. Tossed six feet, half-stunned and whimpering, the battered wolf began to crawl away. Turning, the irate elephant drove her long tusks down, ended its cries.

Faced with a combined defence, the remaining wolves scattered. One was too slow. The adolescent's short, vicious charge spun it into Momma's path. A huge tusk scythed across, connected hard. The wolf tumbled, lay twitching. Momma balefully placed a vast foot on her victim, pressed. Ribs snapped and crunched, life ebbed.

"Road-kill !" Dave whispered, awed.
 
Thanks, ctg, Keri et al, your patient input has made such a difference.

This was a crucial scene, and I knew it would be difficult to write well. Thanks to your kind efforts, this iteration, _0070u, looks like it will fly.

It has, also, changed several things 'down-stream', as the crew must re-think weapons and tactics. Previously, they've had little trouble culling pushy wolves. This near-debacle found weaknesses. At least the crew were in the habit of carrying multiple spears...

One point in passing: The crew previously joked that their future Constitution would prohibit hunting of elephants, whales and dolphins. This should confirm that position...
 
That's 1000% better. That engages. Well, actually. But I still think it could be half the length. Sorry, I do. Well, maybe not half.

I hated all the ... what do you call them: 'saidwordz' -- in the initial draft. They sounded forced and overworked. I couldn't read the piece because of them.

Now it works fine, Nik.

("Yah!" yelled O ... no capital, in spite of the exclamation mark, you treat it as a comma there, in speech.) :)
 
"Yah !" yelled O.
Took some digging but, yes, it should be so...
D'uh...
 
It's good, Nik. Flows better I think and very exciting.
I don't mind the length either, as long as the tension is so good.

Most of all I'm interested in the characters and what happens next.
If you can keep that going, it's half the battle.
 
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