Chapters too short?

[Mouse]

This is two entire chapters (comes in under 1.5k). I think they're the shortest ones in the book - the rest are all at least 1k long. Now, I know chapter length doesn't matter, but as the following is all about the same event, I wonder if I should just merge the chapters? What do you guys think? Could I slow the action down?

Other comments also greatly appreciated, as always.

(Pre-empting questions: wolves do have manes. She's a talking wolf, but she's made of magic basically. Saoirse has a newborn baby son - her partner is Leif, they're not married, they had a scrap in the previous chapter. Thane is basically a mindless slave.)

---

Chapter 21

Saoirse stroked the fur on Winter’s head and listened to the quiet murmur of Gunda and Evan as they spoke together in the council hut. She sighed and twisted her fingers into the warmth of the wolf’s mane. “Leif will worry,” Gunda said.

Saoirse almost shrugged. Instead, she nodded. “I know,” she said. “But he won’t come after me.”

She watched as Gunda got to her feet. The warrior went to the window and peered out into the dark. “He has the baby,” she said.

“I know,” Saoirse said again.

She pulled her knees up to her chin and wrapped her arms around her legs. Winter, by her side, made a soft noise and then quietened again.
Saoirse looked up at Gunda. “Is she all right?” she asked. “Winter?”

“She’s been sleeping for a long while now,” said Evan, answering for Gunda. “Regaining her strength, I shouldn’t wonder.”

Saoirse reached out a hand and touched the wolf. The animal didn’t stir.
Minutes passed. The three Elani were silent. Gunda watched out of the window, Evan sat quietly. Saoirse closed her eyes and leaned back against the wall.

When Winter spoke, it made her jump.

“The servant,” the wolf said, opening her eyes. She raised her head from off her paws and sniffed the air.

Saoirse sat up. “Thane?” she asked. She looked at Evan and Gunda, both drawing their staffs.

Winter growled low in her throat. Saoirse scrabbled to her feet. “Is it Thane?” she asked again.

“I can’t see anyone,” Gunda said, moving from the window to the door.

“He’s here,” Winter confirmed.

Saoirse went to the window but Evan took her arm and pulled her away. He shook his head.

“Shouldn’t we do something?!” she asked.

Winter looked at her. “We should--”

A shattering of glass and a hiss as an arrow pierced the window and embedded itself in the wall opposite. Flames licked at the woodwork and Gunda hurriedly yanked the arrow free.

“We need to run!” Saoirse cried.

“He will shoot us,” Gunda said, dropping the arrow to the floor and stomping on it.

“So we stay here and burn?” Saoirse asked. She gave an incredulous laugh. “No!”

Evan was standing to the side of the window. “Thane?” he called.

“You can’t reason with him,” Winter said. “Saoirse’s right, we need to run.”

Another fire arrow flew through the window and sank into the wall.

Gunda nodded. “Now,” she said. “Before he can fire again!”

The warrior pulled the door open and a blur of white fur bolted past her legs. Saoirse followed without hesitation, running for cover. She could hear somebody behind her, though didn’t look back to see whether it was Gunda or Evan.

She felt pain explode in the back of her shoulder and she fell forwards, crying out in terror. Winter was at her side in an instant, the great wolf’s jaws gripping the shaft of the arrow and pulling it from Saoirse’s back.

“Run,” the wolf growled in her ear.

Saoirse obeyed. She dragged herself to her feet, stumbling as she fought for balance, and then she ran towards the nearest alley.

Pain ran through her as she hid in the shadows, gasping for breath. She could feel hot blood dribbling down her back and she felt faint.

“Winter?” she whispered.

“Saoirse?” It was Evan’s voice.

She gasped in fright as the large Horseman joined her, pressing his back against the wall. “You’re hurt,” he said.

She nodded weakly. Her eyelids dropped and she sagged to the ground. She could hear Winter vaguely, and Gunda, shouting...

Chapter 22

The room blurred in her vision until she blinked her eyes several times. Saoirse could hear whispered voices surrounding her and she moaned softly.

“Don’t try to get up,” Helena said. “You’re all right.”

She realised she was lying on her stomach, and she could feel a chill on her naked back. The healer was applying something to the arrow wound.

“Leif?” Saoirse asked.

“I made him wait outside,” said Helena, covering her with a blanket. “He was fretting.”

Saoirse closed her eyes. “Gunda?” she asked.

“Evan is looking for her,” said another voice.

Saoirse opened her eyes and saw Helena’s apprentice, Pasque. “Looking for her?” she repeated. “What’s happened?”

Pasque and Helena exchanged a glance. Saoirse frowned. “Just tell me,” she said.

She watched as Pasque moved away from the bedside, cupping a hand around the flickering flame of a candle to stop it from going out as she carried it. “Helena, tell me,” she said.

The healer sighed. “Winter tells us that Gunda went after Thane,” she said. “Evan went straight out again after bringing you here and Winter left not long after.”

Saoirse looked around the room. The furniture – a small bedside table, a dresser, and a chest of drawers – appeared to be made from stone. The bed felt small and hard and there was no fireplace in the room.

“Where are we?” she asked.

“The Greenstone Inn,” said Helena, reaching a hand to brush Saoirse’s blonde hair from her face. “It was closer than home.”

Saoirse sighed and closed her eyes again. “I’m tired,” she said. “Can you send Leif in?”

She heard the door to the room open before Helena even had chance to move. She smiled when a hand closed around hers. “Leif,” she said.

“Call me if you need anything,” Helena said. “Come, Pasque.”

Saoirse looked at Leif once the healer and her apprentice had left. She felt a teardrop trickle down her cheek. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

Leif wiped her tear away. “So am I,” he said. “I’m just glad you’re all right.”

She clutched Leif’s hand and sobbed when he leaned forwards to plant a soft kiss on her forehead. “I’m so sorry,” she said again.

“Shh,” said Leif. “Get some rest.”

“Imree?” she asked, looking at Leif. “Is he...?”

He gave her hand a squeeze and she relaxed. “He’s safe, he’s been fed,” he said. “Fagan is watching him.”

Saoirse frowned. “Does Fagan like babies?” she asked.

“My dear, stop worrying and go to sleep,” Leif said, smiling a little. “I love you.”

Saoirse sighed. “Love you too,” she replied. And she closed her eyes once more.

 

[thaddeus6th]

I scanned it rather than reading it in detail, but it seems like you could easily merge them. Having them separate may make more sense if you want to have a clear dividing line. I don't think there's any problem with quite short, or very long, chapters, personally.

 

[The Judge]

I've only scanned quickly, too -- but definitely make it into one chapter with a couple of line space breaks or a * to show the passage of time.

Er... the wolf pulling out the arrow, is that actually a good idea? Don't wounds bleed more when the arrow is out, so it's best to leave them in until ready for the doctoring bit? And don't the barbs on the arrow mean that pulling it out rips the flesh with it? A mis-spent youth watching TV-cowboy shows brings to mind that the arrow is broken off so the flights are discarded and then the point and half-body is pushed/pulled forward, as that does less damage. Unless there's an important bit of the body in the way, obviously -- in which case it was cut out instead. or was that bullets? No idea how accurate any of that is, but it sounded logical when I was 8.

 

[Karn Maeshalanadae]

I suppose it would depend on what the arrowhead was made of, on whether or not it should be pulled out. Yes,you would leave the gaping wound, but obviously some things are toxic, or fragment upon impact.

 

[Mouse]

I think I will make it one chapter, ta. I pondered the arrow thing for a bit (not long, admittedly) and thought maybe the heat of it would've sealed the blood somehow? I did look up fire arrows but didn't get much info from t'internet.

 

[Boneman]

Yup, one chapter would work better, imho. Same characters, same action, just a small passage of time between them. Makes sense, unless you do want to slow the action down, which would be difficult if you're telling the story from an unconscious person's pov... could have a dream sequence in there...?

 

[thaddeus6th]

Couldn't the arrow be pulled by the head end, to avoid the barb problem?

 

[Jo Zebedee]

It seems the years I spent as a tour guide in a medieval castle have not been completely wasted

The arrow shouldn't be pulled out, I'm pretty sure, as so long as it is in it slows the blood leakage. I'm fairly sure there wouldn't be enough heat from the arrowhead, even burning, to cauterize the wound, and even if there was this might give bigger problems when it comes to removing it. If the wolf breaks the shaft, that should be enough for now. Springs.

 

[Mouse]

Ta, Springs, I'll do that, I think!

Boneman, I could do a dream sequence, I suppose. I do have one in for another character.

edit: Just merged the chapters, then went through changing all the chapter numbers and discovered I had two chapter 55s. So good job I merged!

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

Hi Mouse - Forgive

This is two entire chapters (comes in under 1.5k). I think they're the shortest ones in the book - the rest are all at least 1k long. Now, I know chapter length doesn't matter, but as the following is all about the same event, I wonder if I should just merge the chapters? What do you guys think? Could I slow the action down?

Other comments also greatly appreciated, as always.

(Pre-empting questions: wolves do have manes. She's a talking wolf, but she's made of magic basically. Saoirse has a newborn baby son - her partner is Leif, they're not married, they had a scrap in the previous chapter. Thane is basically a mindless slave.)

---

Chapter 21

Saoirse stroked the fur on Winter’s head and listened to the quiet murmur of Gunda and Evan as they spoke together in the council hut. She sighed and twisted her fingers into the warmth of the wolf’s mane. “Leif will worry,” Gunda said.

Saoirse almost shrugged. Instead, she nodded. “I know,” she said. “But he won’t come after me.” (people don't really almost shrug - nearly pregnant springs to mind - But people do shrug and then qualify what they think by it)

She watched as Gunda got to her feet. The warrior (as this isn't the beginning of the book, surely we already know she's a warrior - so this must be repetition) went to the window and peered out into the dark. “He has the baby,” she said.

“I know,” Saoirse said again. (I agree - maybe - it stops the repetition)

She pulled her knees up to her chin and wrapped her arms around her legs. Winter, by her side, made a soft noise and then quietened again.
Saoirse looked up at Gunda. “Is she all right?” she asked. “Winter?” (Its out of context, but is she asking the dog if Gunda is alright? - Is Winter alright? she asked)

“She’s been sleeping for a long while now,” said Evan, answering for Gunda. “Regaining her strength, I shouldn’t wonder.”

Saoirse reached out a hand (as opposed to a foot?) and touched the wolf. The animal didn’t stir.
Minutes passed. The three Elani were silent. Gunda watched out of the window, Evan sat quietly. Saoirse closed her eyes and leaned back against the wall.

When Winter spoke, it made her jump.

“The servant,” the wolf said, opening her eyes. She raised her head from off her paws and sniffed the air.

Saoirse sat up. “Thane?” she asked. She looked at Evan and Gunda, both drawing their staffs. (you draw swords - Why would you draw a staff - took up their staffs or grasped their staffs maybe)

Winter growled low in her throat. Saoirse scrabbled to her feet. “Is it Thane?” she asked again.

“I can’t see anyone,” Gunda said, moving from the window to the door.

“He’s here,” Winter confirmed.

Saoirse went to the window but Evan took her arm and pulled her away. He shook his head.

“Shouldn’t we do something?!” she asked.

Winter looked at her. “We should--”

A shattering of glass and a hiss as an arrow pierced the window and embedded itself in the wall opposite. Flames licked at the woodwork and Gunda hurriedly yanked the arrow free. (this seems a bit topsy turfy)

The glass shatters and the arrow flys through but then you describe the wind being pierced by the arrow, but the arrow pierced the window when it shattered the glass)

“We need to run!” Saoirse cried.

“He will shoot us,” Gunda said, dropping throwing the arrow to the floor and stomping on it.

“So we stay here and burn?” Saoirse asked. She gave an incredulous laugh. “No!” (can't come up with anything better but that didn't work for me. You seem to be trying to get too much into the sentence and it reads a bit like a stage direction IMO)

Evan was standing to the side of the window. “Thane! Is that you?” Evan shouted through the now shattered window he called.

“You can’t reason with him,” Winter said. “Saoirse’s right, we need to run.”

Another fire arrow flew through the window and sank into the wall.

Gunda nodded. “Now,” she said. “Before he can fire again!” (Mmm, I'm thinking of Oldie English Long bowmen and their reputed ability to have three arrows in the air at once)

The warrior pulled the door open and a blur of white fur bolted past her legs. Saoirse followed without hesitation, running for cover. She assumed the other two would follow, but didn't turn to check. could hear somebody behind her, though didn’t look back to see whether it was Gunda or Evan.

She felt pain explode in the back of her shoulder and she fell forwards, crying out in terror. Winter was at her side in an instant, the great wolf’s jaws gripping the shaft of the arrow and pulling it from Saoirse’s back. (Not the way to extract arrows - they were usually barbed better to have the wolf bite and snap the shaft)
“Run,” the wolf growled in her ear.

Saoirse obeyed. She dragged forced herself to her feet, stumbling as she fought for balance, and then she ran towards the nearest alley.

Pain ran through her as she hid in the shadows, gasping for breath. She could feel hot blood dribbling down her back and she began to feel felt faint.

“Winter?” she whispered.

“Saoirse?” It was Evan’s voice.

She gasped in fright as Evan the large Horseman (Again we already now he's large and a horseman so why bring it up again to spoil the flow of action) joined her, pressing his back against the wall. “You’re hurt,” he said.

She nodded weakly. Her eyelids dropped and she sagged to the ground. She could hear Winter vaguely, and Gunda, shouting...

Chapter 22 (yep loose it to answer your question)


The room blurred, in her vision until she blinked her eyes several times. Saoirse could hear whispered voices surrounding her and she moaned softly.

Mouse: Had to stop here = my match sticks have fallen out - will return if you wish more.


“Don’t try to get up,” Helena said. “You’re all right.”

She realised she was lying on her stomach, and she could feel a chill on her naked back. The healer was applying something to the arrow wound.

“Leif?” Saoirse asked.

“I made him wait outside,” said Helena, covering her with a blanket. “He was fretting.”

Saoirse closed her eyes. “Gunda?” she asked.

“Evan is looking for her,” said another voice.

Saoirse opened her eyes and saw Helena’s apprentice, Pasque. “Looking for her?” she repeated. “What’s happened?”

Pasque and Helena exchanged a glance. Saoirse frowned. “Just tell me,” she said.

She watched as Pasque moved away from the bedside, cupping a hand around the flickering flame of a candle to stop it from going out as she carried it. “Helena, tell me,” she said.

The healer sighed. “Winter tells us that Gunda went after Thane,” she said. “Evan went straight out again after bringing you here and Winter left not long after.”

Saoirse looked around the room. The furniture – a small bedside table, a dresser, and a chest of drawers – appeared to be made from stone. The bed felt small and hard and there was no fireplace in the room.

“Where are we?” she asked.

“The Greenstone Inn,” said Helena, reaching a hand to brush Saoirse’s blonde hair from her face. “It was closer than home.”

Saoirse sighed and closed her eyes again. “I’m tired,” she said. “Can you send Leif in?”

She heard the door to the room open before Helena even had chance to move. She smiled when a hand closed around hers. “Leif,” she said.

“Call me if you need anything,” Helena said. “Come, Pasque.”

Saoirse looked at Leif once the healer and her apprentice had left. She felt a teardrop trickle down her cheek. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

Leif wiped her tear away. “So am I,” he said. “I’m just glad you’re all right.”

She clutched Leif’s hand and sobbed when he leaned forwards to plant a soft kiss on her forehead. “I’m so sorry,” she said again.

“Shh,” said Leif. “Get some rest.”

“Imree?” she asked, looking at Leif. “Is he...?”

He gave her hand a squeeze and she relaxed. “He’s safe, he’s been fed,” he said. “Fagan is watching him.”

Saoirse frowned. “Does Fagan like babies?” she asked.

“My dear, stop worrying and go to sleep,” Leif said, smiling a little. “I love you.”

Saoirse sighed. “Love you too,” she replied. And she closed her eyes once more.

Hope I helped

TEiN

 

[slack]

I only read about half of the first chapter. It's not bad, it's just very spare at the moment. I'm coming at this as a reader who knows nothing of the story or the circumstance (blissfully, because I feel it affords some objectivity), and the overall impression I get reading this scene is that it is supposed to be very quiet, (or starts that way, at least) like the night following some great, traumatic event.

The writing, dialogue, the mood -- it all feels slow, ponderous at times, and that is perfectly okay. But if that's what you're going for, then my criticism is that there is simply not enough material. Apparently this is from Saiorse's point of view; is the majority of the story from this point of view? I ask because I'm curious to know how deep you are going into the mind of this character. Because when Gunda got to her feet and went to the window, as a reader, I'm kind of wanting Saiorse to look after her, maybe see the outline of her body against the cold dark, and learn something about this relationship. And it could be something so minor and trivial to the overall story -- maybe she was just glad she was there. The purpose, I feel, is that it would add texture to the scene.

It is just so bare right now. And look, I'm not asking for justifications here. As I said, I'm reading this fairly objectively, having no idea what the greater circumstance is, and it still feels like this scene -- this moment -- could be made much fuller, given life.

 

[Mouse]

TEiN, thank you. Please do continue, I'd been hoping you were going to comment!

Thane's a swordsman, rather than a bowman, so it's probably the first time he's used a bow and I figured he'd be a bit fumbly.

It's interesting that you mention 'the warrior' and 'the horseman' instead of using their names... I don't know if you saw this thread? http://www.sffchronicles.co.uk/forum/533755-using-characters-names.html

To everyone who mentioned the arrow: I was so close last night to just having the wolf snap the shaft instead of pulling the thing out, my fingers were hovering over delete, then I realised that she's a wolf and she doesn't have a clue about whether or not the arrow should be pulled out. She's acting instinctively. So it's staying. Ever seen a dog trying to pull a barb from its paw?

Slack: Thank you. Saoirse's not the main POV character. I've got about nine of them, I think! And yeah, it is after a (sort of) traumatic event.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

Hi again,


Addressing the warrior issue :-

Mouse:
Saoirse almost shrugged. Instead, she nodded. “I know,” she said. “But he won’t come after me.” She watched as Gunda got to her feet. The warrior went to the window and peered out into the dark. “He has the baby,” she said.


I would agree in a one to one situation the use of the warrior would be OK (just IMO). However, as I understand it there are four people in the room. The warrior tag (given I haven't got the identities clearly in my head, not having read the rest of the book) could refer to any of the other three.

Saoirse shrugged. “I know,” she said. “But he won’t come after me.”

She watched as Gunda got to her feet and walked to the window. Staring out she addressed the darkness outside.

"Thane has the baby,” she said, turning back to Saoirse.

Yes I know,” Saoirse said again, pulling her knees up to her chin and wrapping her arms round her legs. she shivered nearly in tears.

Winter, by her side, made a soft noise and then quietened again.
Saoirse looked up at Gunda. “Is she all right?” she asked. “Winter?”

Regarding the arrow and the wolf. I assume this is no ordinary vocalising dog. It must have seen some action and if so would not necessarily act on instinct. However, by all means keep it in, though the wound caused by tearing the arrow head backward would be a lot worse - either the arrowhead stays in the wound (a common archery technique) or there's a gaping hole. You need to reflect the complications this would cause in the healing process - this isn't a band aid and kiss better from mum


Chapter 22 (yep loose it to answer your question)

The room blurred, in her vision until she blinked her eyes several times. Saoirse could hear whispered voices surrounding her and she moaned softly. (some mention of pain would help here. After all someones just done something nasty with an arrow in her body. Sharp pointy things are always good in a story. You could introduce the apprectice holding her down against the pain too - it would at least gives her a reason for being there)

“Don’t try to get up,” Helena said. “You’re all right.”

She realised she was lying on her stomach, and she could feel a chill on her naked back. The healer was applying something to the arrow wound. (too easy, lets get graphic lets have some description of the blood covered arrowhead at her side, have her turn away at the pain of the stinging salve, the dressing being applied etc.)

“Leif?” Saoirse asked.

“I made him wait outside,” said Helena, covering her with a blanket. “He was fretting.”

Saoirse closed her eyes. “Gunda?” she asked.

“Evan is looking for her,” said another voice.

Saoirse opened her eyes and saw Helena’s apprentice, Pasque. “Looking for her?” she repeated. “What’s happened?”

Pasque and Helena exchanged a glance. Saoirse frowned. “Just tell me,” she said.

She watched as Pasque moved away from the bedside, cupping a hand around the flickering flame of a candle to stop it from going out as she carried it. “Helena, tell me,” she said.

The healer sighed. (is this Helena or the candle carrier, If its Helena what's the point of the candle interlude. In fact, what's the point of the apprentice) “Winter tells told us that Gunda went after Thane,” she said. “Evan went straight out again after bringing you here and Winter left not long after.”

Saoirse looked around the room. The furniture – a small bedside table, a dresser, and a chest of drawers – appeared to be made from stone. The bed felt small and hard and there was no fireplace in the room.

(Distraction - move it to the waking moment)

“Where are we?” she asked.

“The Greenstone Inn,” said Helena, reaching a hand to brush Saoirse’s blonde hair from her face. “It was closer than home.”

Saoirse sighed and closed her eyes again. “I’m tired,” she said. “Can you send Leif in?”

She heard the door to the room open before Helena even had chance to move. She smiled when a hand closed around hers. “Leif,” she said.

“Call me if you need anything,” Helena said, indicating to Pasque that they should both leave. “Come, Pasque.”

Saoirse looked Looking at Leif once the healer and her apprentice had left. She felt a teardrop trickle down her cheek. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

Leif wiped her tear away. “So am I,” he said. “I’m just glad you’re all right.”

She clutched Leif’s hand and sobbed when he leaned forwards and gently kissed her brow to plant (plant seems a bit brusque) a soft kiss on her forehead. “I’m so sorry,” she said again. (

“Shh,” he said said Leif. “Get some rest.”

“Imree?” she asked, looking at Leif. “Is he...?”

He gave her hand a squeeze and she relaxed. “He’s safe, he’s been fed,” he said. “Fagan is watching him.”

Saoirse frowned. “Does Fagan like babies?” she asked.

“My dear, stop worrying and go to sleep,” Leif said, smiling a little. “I love you.”

Saoirse sighed. “Love you too,” she replied. And she closed her eyes. once more.

He watched over her, holding her hand as she eventually drifted into a restless sleep.

From the beginning this is a difficult scene to write. As a reader it's not easy to get a grip on the she said and he saids. That's why, if there has to be so many characters in the room, (this would work better if the people that take no part in the dialogue were referenced to in another room) I think names are required.

To some extent, I see where Slack is coming from. I think it could be livened up a bit or made more intimate to improve the readers appreciation of the relationships.

Hope I helped.

TEiN

 

[Mouse]

TEiN, thanks! I've gone through and made a lot of those changes you've suggested. I've also left the arrowhead in when the wolf pulls out the shaft, and the healer removes it.

Ta.

 

[J Riff]

I say rip that arrow out immediatemont~.. what are you gonna do, run about with an arrow sticking out?
Had left/had gone?

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

Riff: As I understand it you can do more harm than good. People can get about with an arrow or arrowhead in them (similar to bullets). If you just rip it out, the barbs can catch an artery or puncture/damage a vital organ. Far better to leave it and struggle on till someone can see whats what. (apparently). In fact, sometimes it was pushed all the way through the body as in some circumstances forward does less harm.

 

[J Riff]

Well good point (ha} ... push it through. have the wolf seal the wound with saliva...sounds good, I'd buy it. )

 

[Ashcroft]

Hi, Mouse!

The good news is that I found the characters and pacing quite engaging. The not so good news relates to arrow wounds. I also agree with the other comments: these two chapters could do with a merge, unless you've intentionally used short chapters throughout the novel.

Okay, arrow wounds. According to a bow-hunting blog, broadhead arrows should always be left in the victim so as not to cause other injuries from pulling it out, and to allow the blood a solid object around which to congeal. They claim it's best for an unpracticed first-aider to attempt to stabilise the arrowhead if it's loose, but to keep it in there. I appreciate that it's very dramatic to have the wolf gnash the arrow out of her back, but it'd almost certainly kill her. If your setting involves magic realism elements (essentially, internally-consistent rules which contradict with those of reality) then that's not an issue. If you've been trying to keep it realistic, then this might be an issue.

Here's my in-depth critique of your piece. It goes without saying that everything I'm suggesting is just that: a suggestion that's indicative of my opinions (with a little bit of explanation for each point, colour-coded and referenced at the footnotes); if you feel I've misunderstood you stylistically, or you don't like my changes, then ignore them, because I'm not some infallible god of writing.

Key:

Passages that I really liked stylistically, or which caught my eye and dragged me into the scene.

Passages that I didn't like stylistically, or which I felt disrupted the pace, but haven't changed because it might have been intentional on your part.

Passages that I've edited for grammatical reasons, or to change the pace, subject or tone of the passage.

Passages I'd like to clarify.

Chapter 21

Saoirse stroked the fur on Winter’s head and listened to Gunda and Evan's quiet murmurs(1), as they spoke together in the council hut. She sighed and twisted her fingers into the warmth of the wolf’s mane(1). “Leif will worry,” Gunda said.

Saoirse almost shrugged, but instead she nodded(2). “I know,” she said. “But he won’t come after me.”

She watched as Gunda got to her feet. The warrior went to the window and peered out into the dark. “He has the baby,” she said.

“I know,” Saoirse repeated(3).

She pulled her knees up to her chin and wrapped her arms around her legs. Winter, by her side, made a soft noise and then quietened again.
Saoirse looked up at Gunda. “Is she all right?” she asked. “Winter?”

“She’s been sleeping for a long while now,” said Evan, answering for Gunda.(4) “Regaining her strength, I shouldn’t wonder.”

Saoirse reached out a hand and touched the wolf. The animal didn’t stir.
Minutes passed. The three Elani were silent. Gunda watched out of the window, Evan sat quietly. Saoirse closed her eyes and leaned back against the wall.

When Winter spoke, it made her jump(2).

“The servant,” the wolf said, opening her eyes. She raised her head from off her paws and sniffed the air.

Saoirse sat up. “Thane?” she asked. She looked at Evan and Gunda, both drawing their staffs.

Winter growled low in her throat(3). Saoirse scrabbled to her feet. “Is it Thane?” she asked again.

“I can’t see anyone,” Gunda said, moving from the window to the door.

“He’s here,” Winter confirmed.

Saoirse went to the window,(5) but Evan took her arm and pulled her away. He shook his head.

“Shouldn’t we do something?!” she demanded(6).

Winter looked at her. “We should--”

Glass shattered, as a flaming arrow hissed through the window and embedded itself in the wall(7). Flames licked at the woodwork,(5) and Gunda hurriedly yanked the arrow free.

“We need to run!” Saoirse cried.

“He will shoot us,” Gunda stormed(8), dropping the arrow to the floor and stomping on it.

“So we stay here and burn?” Saoirse demanded, with an incredulous laugh(9). “No!”

Evan was standing to the side of the window. “Thane?” he called.

“You can’t reason with him,” Winter said. “Saoirse’s right, we need to run.”

Another fire arrow flew through the window and sank into the wall.

Gunda nodded. “Now,” she said. “Before he can fire again!”

The warrior pulled the door open, and a blur of white fur bolted past her legs(4). Saoirse followed without hesitation, running for cover. She could hear somebody behind her, though didn’t look back to see whether it was Gunda or Evan.

She felt pain explode in the back of her shoulder,(5) and she fell forwards, crying out in terror. Winter was at her side in an instant, the great wolf’s jaws gripping the shaft of the arrow and pulling it from Saoirse’s back.

“Run,” the wolf growled in her ear.

Saoirse obeyed. She dragged herself to her feet, stumbling as she fought for balance, and then(1) she ran towards the nearest alley.

Pain tore(10) through her as she hid in the shadows, gasping for breath. She could feel hot blood dribbling down her back,(5) and she felt faint.

“Winter?” she whispered.

“Saoirse?” It was Evan’s voice.

She gasped in fright(2) as the large Horseman joined her(5), pressing his back against the wall. “You’re hurt,” he said.

She nodded weakly. Her eyelids dropped,(5) and she sagged to the ground. She could hear Winter vaguely, and Gunda, shouting...

Chapter 22

The room blurred in her vision until she had(11) blinked her eyes several times. Saoirse could hear whispered voices surrounding her and she moaned softly.

“Don’t try to get up,” Helena said. “You’re all right.”

She realised she was lying on her stomach, and she could feel a chill on her naked back. The healer was applying something to the arrow wound.

“Leif?” Saoirse asked.

“I made him wait outside,” said Helena, covering her with a blanket. “He was fretting.”

Saoirse closed her eyes. “Gunda?” she asked.

“Evan is looking for her,” said another voice.

Saoirse opened her eyes and saw Helena’s apprentice, Pasque. “Looking for her?” she repeated. “What’s happened?”

Pasque and Helena exchanged a glance. Saoirse frowned. “Just tell me,” she said.

She watched as Pasque moved away from the bedside, cupping a hand around the flickering flame of a candle to stop it from going out as she carried it. “Helena, tell me,” she said.

The healer sighed. “Winter tells us that Gunda went after Thane,” she said. “Evan went straight out again after bringing you here and Winter left not long after.”

Saoirse looked around the room. The furniture – a small bedside table, a dresser, and a chest of drawers –(6) appeared to be made from stone. The bed felt small and hard,(5) and there was no fireplace in the room(1).

“Where are we?” she asked.

“The Greenstone Inn,” said Helena, reaching a hand to brush Saoirse’s blonde hair from her face. “It was closer than home.”

Saoirse sighed and closed her eyes again. “I’m tired,” she said. “Can you send Leif in?”

She heard the door to the room open before Helena even had chance to move. She smiled when a hand closed around hers. “Leif,” she said.

“Call me if you need anything,” Helena said. “Come, Pasque.”

Once the healer and her apprentice had left, Saoirse turned to Leif(12). She felt a teardrop trickle down her cheek. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

Leif wiped her tear away. “So am I,” he said. “I’m just glad you’re all right.”

She clutched Leif’s hand and sobbed when(2) he leaned forwards to plant a soft kiss on her forehead. “I’m so sorry,” she said again.

“Shh,” said Leif. “Get some rest.”

“Imree?” she asked, looking at Leif. “Is he...?”

He gave her hand a squeeze and she relaxed. “He’s safe, he’s been fed,” he said. “Fagan is watching him.”

Saoirse frowned. “Does Fagan like babies?” she asked.

“My dear, stop worrying and go to sleep,” Leif said, smiling a little. “I love you.”

Saoirse sighed. “Love you too,” she replied. And she closed her eyes once more.

(1) Bravo. I love this line; it's the reason I kept reading and actually bothered to critique (I only critique in-depth, and I'm only willing to invest the hour or so that takes if the piece manages to grab me early on).
(2) This is good. We get a nice understanding of her mental state without you having to make it explicit. This is a good example of showing, rather than telling.
(3) Great description of the growl. It really made me think of a hound crouched down low, snarling at some perceived danger.
(4) Beautiful metaphor there, well done.
(5) This is nice, because it lets me know a little bit more about that character without getting too verbose and thus breaking the tension.
(6) Excellent dash parenthesis; it really snapped my attention to the salient items in the room

(1) This seems a bit stilting to me; I feel like I want to be thrown forward with the pace of the scene, rather than be halted by prepositions like 'then'. I understand that you want to show that these events are happening in order, but maybe you could restructure the sentence so that the temporal relationship is present and we lose the prepositions? i.e.:

She dragged herself to her feet, and ran towards the nearest alley, stumbling as she fought for balance.

(2) Why's she frightened? She's already recognised the voice as that of her ally.

(1) In the original, it isn't clear enough that it's Gunda and Evan's speech that's causing the murmur. I'm still not very happy with the phrasing as I've left it, but I feel it makes the link between their speech and the murmuring a little clearer.
(2) I think this makes the link between the fact that she wanted to shrug, but didn't, a bit clearer.
(3) Best not to overuse the word ask, because it's getting a bit repetitive throughout. I also think 'repeated' is just a little bit quicker, and allows us to get back into the dialogue.
(4) It's acceptable to use either a comma or a full stop in dialogue-interrupting attributions if the following piece of dialogue is a new sentence. However, it's best to stick to one method or the other (so we don't confuse our poor readers!), and you've used the latter method throughout the rest of the piece.
(5) These are run-on sentences. Take a look at my toolbox post for more information, or contact me directly.
(6) Seems more urgent than merely asking, and it makes sense with the ?! punctuation preceding it.
(7) The grammar wasn't working in the original. 'Hiss' is used here as a transitive verb (a verb with a direct object), so it needs to have something to act upon as follows:

"A shattering of glass and a hiss sounded, as an arrow pierced the window and embedded itself in the wall opposite."

Shattering is also a participle -- a verb which acts as an adjective -- so it needs to be separated from the main clause if you're using it to paint the scene (I've separated it using a conjunction above). But participle overuse to set a scene can make writing seem stilted. A good guide to understanding participle use can be found here.

I've also clarified that the arrow's actually alight, because in a later sentence you say 'another' flaming arrow hits the hut.
(8) Doesn't seem like she'd be merely saying something at this time; that seems too peaceful.
(9) Speaker attributions ("said X" etc) are typically separated from speaker actions (where the speaker's doing something that doesn't interact with the preceding dialogue) by a comma, rather than a full stop.
(10) Ran was used in the previous sentence, so it's getting a bit repetitive. I changed it to tore (coursed, throbbed, probed etc would all be fine too) to spice things up. It also seems like this wound would be pretty heinous, so personifying the pain in a monstrous fashion seems apt.
(11) This one I'm unsure about, and I can't seem to find any definitive suggestions in any of my grammar guides. I'm not sure whether 'had' should preface the verb, or whether the verb is fine on its own.
(12) The main focus of this sentence seems to be that Saoirse is turning to look at Leif, so I've shifted it around and made the healers' leaving a long introduction (separated from the main focus by a comma).

(1) This is a passive voice construction. There's nothing inherently wrong with that; if you're trying to place emphasis on the fireplace then that's perfectly acceptable, but if you're trying to place emphasis on the room then the sentence ought to read (using active voice):

"the room had no fireplace." -- here, the subject, 'room', is preceding the main verb, thus active voice is in effect. See my post in the toolbox if you need further explanation, or contact me directly.

(2) Is she sobbing in response to the kiss, or is she sobbing whilst he kisses her? 'When' is valid if it's the former, 'as' should be used for the latter.

 

[Mouse]

Wow. That's the most awesome thing I've ever seen. Ta muchly!

I've already edited a lot so some of the things you've mentioned have already been altered. The arrow I have changed so that the wolf pulls the shaft but the head stays in and the healer removes it.

Run-ons I still don't get (I know, I'm a div!) but I'll get there, don't worry. I learn by doing, rather than by being told. I'll get to a point where it'll suddenly click. Verb, adjective, participle, conjunction... I've no idea what those things are.

I do actually know how to punctuate dialogue believe it or not. The bit with the full stop instead of the comma (blue 4) - it is a new sentence, hence no comma. I know my sentences are a little weird sometimes, characters tend to speak how I speak. I'd have full stopped that even with no speech attribution there.

Blue 7, much better than mine, I'd been puzzling over how to reword that! Ta!

Passive sentences I've got a lot better at only recently, thanks to Teresa. So I do now understand those, ta, and I'll change the 'room/fireplace' bit.

Purple (is it purple?!) 2, she's sobbing in response to the kiss. You know when you're upset and you're holding it together until someone goes and does something nice like give you a hug, then you start bawling...

Anyway, most excellent critique. Thanks!

 

[Ashcroft]

Run-ons I still don't get (I know, I'm a div!) but I'll get there, don't worry. I learn by doing, rather than by being told. I'll get to a point where it'll suddenly click. Verb, adjective, participle, conjunction... I've no idea what those things are.

Ah, no worries. I forget that not everyone is such an unbelievably dull individual as to sit and read books and guides about grammar (and, sadly, find it interesting). Warning: what follows is some extremely boring grammar lecturing.

Verbs are 'doing words'. If a word in your sentence is showing that one thing is doing an action, or another thing is having an action done to it, then that word is a verb. Participles are just a verb with a different ending, and the endings tell us things about the tense and subject(s) of the verb. This malarkey of fiddling with verbs in such a manner is known as conjugation. Verbs are one of those words, like nouns, where you'd know one if you saw one, but if you hadn't learned their definition then you probably wouldn't know whether you were using one. For instance, 'run' and all its various conjugations (to run, run, ran, running etc) are all verbs, because they tell us that something's doing an action i.e. running.

Adjectives are just words which are used to describe the attributes of a noun (see my toolbox post for an explanation of a noun). They give us a bit of information about what our noun is, just like verbs tell us what it is doing. For instance, in the sentence "The red balloon was floating", red is being used as an adjective: it's telling us that our noun, the balloon, is red. 'was floating' (past imperfective of 'to float') is our verb, because it's telling us the action the balloon is doing.

Conjunctions are just words that link 'complete thoughts'. A complete thought, otherwise known as a clause, is a 'thought' that makes sense on its own. So, if I want to link two of these I use a conjunction:

Complete thought 1: I went to the store
Complete thought 2: I bought a bag of crisps

Linked with a conjunction: I went to the store, and I bought a bag of crisps.

Participles are just a form of a verb that act as an adjective or a noun. Just as we say "I fought" rather than "I fight" when we want to convey the first person past tense of 'to fight', if we wanted to say that we were fighting before something interrupted us then we'd say "I was fighting" to form the present participle. There's nothing wrong with using participles, it's just that when they're routinely used to introduce a sentence it can get a little jarring. Compare:

"He was fighting his way across the drawbridge, when it rose." -- using a participle
"The drawbridge rose, as he fought his way across it." -- using simple past tense

The latter sentence snaps us straight to the crucial point: the drawbridge is rising. The former slows the pace.

I do actually know how to punctuate dialogue believe it or not. The bit with the full stop instead of the comma (blue 4) - it is a new sentence, hence no comma. I know my sentences are a little weird sometimes, characters tend to speak how I speak. I'd have full stopped that even with no speech attribution there.

No, no, that was definitely my mistake. I must have changed your full stop to a comma, realised it was wrong, and changed it back without removing the footnote... So I ended up correcting myself.

Blue 7, much better than mine, I'd been puzzling over how to reword that! Ta!

All good, glad you like it.

Passive sentences I've got a lot better at only recently, thanks to Teresa. So I do now understand those, ta, and I'll change the 'room/fireplace' bit.

Teresa's pretty wonderful. Her blog has been immensely helpful to me. Remember, though: passive tense isn't always wrong, it's just good to learn to get out of the habit of thinking that it's a preferable tense to active in all circumstances.

Purple (is it purple?!) 2, she's sobbing in response to the kiss. You know when you're upset and you're holding it together until someone goes and does something nice like give you a hug, then you start bawling...

I thought as much. I went to change it and then thought to myself "Ah, I'm probably presuming she's got her order of events wrong without any real proof" and then just queried it instead.

I think it could stand to be a little clearer. I think "She clutched Leif's hand, and burst into sobs[...]" could make it more explicit that it's a sudden rush of emotion, as you've described in your response. I know precisely what emotion you're trying to convey, and I think it definitely fits with the character in that state.

Anyway, most excellent critique. Thanks!

You're most welcome, also, on the contrary to your previous statement, you seem to me to be a quite intelligent woman (so don't self flagellate ). I critiqued it because I thought it showed a lot of promise, so keep it up.

I appreciate that everyone learns differently. I've always been a theoretical learner: I can't do anything unless I've first planned it rigorously and fully understand it in my head (yes, I'm a total nerd). Learning grammar the traditional route might not be your calling, but if you ever want to query something with me then I'm always open to a PM.