Travelling in the mountains -- 600 words

[Hex]

Argh. Yes -- that's how HB read it as well, for the very good reason that that's what it says.

As I rewrote it (with too many 'paths'. gah.):

'The path became a slender ribbon beside the crevasse, narrowed further by snow piled against the mountain. The path's other edge was an overhang, arching above emptiness.'


Better? Worse?

 

[HareBrain]

I read it as the overhang was on the crevasse/ravine side, but as I said before, was confused by "the other side", and if my reading is right, the description seems to go from the ravine side to the wall side and then back again.

Edit: I bet this is why Tolkien decided to illustrate The Hobbit.

 

[odangutan]

Not to write for you but I'd say something like 'The path dwindled quickly to a slender ribbon, suspended between the stomach-churning drop of a crevasse and the opposite wall's ice-slick overhang'. Or something.

 

[chrispenycate]

Admittedly my mountain experience has largely been in French, but a 'crevasse' for us doesn't have to be in a glacier; a similar steep-sided crack into rock gets the same word.
And, since the piece said 'side' of this structure, rather than 'edge', I visualised a path running along a fault line, some way down the face, with a neat vertical face on one side of you, and gaping nothingness the other (I've skied along them: exhilarating). You even get roads along formations like that, sometimes, though nowadays they've all got railings between you and the drop.
However, they're typically improved by mankind, with bridges and things where nature hasn't had the foresight to finish things off properly, so I suspect she's being a bit sissy; panicking about the narrowness of a path where, in the summer, trains of donkeys carry contraband between settlements.

 

[Hex]

Hmm. I'm failing to be clear. I meant something more like: the path dwindled to a slender ribbon, one of its edges piled high with snow; the other edge (of the path), an overhang above the crevasse.

I'm wondering now if I need the bit about the snow.

Exhilarating?

Yes, she's being a sissy -- you can get a (clever) horse along this path, as long as you're careful (and not riding it, probably). A donkey would have no difficulty at all.

Edited to say: I can't draw. Why is this a problem again? Because I said 'crevasse'? I can say 'ravine' if that would make the problem go away.

 

[HareBrain]

I'm wondering if you need the overhang -- isn't the cliff-edge dangerous enough for your purposes? I think you should keep the snow as it becomes important later when it blocks the whole width of the path.

Edit: or something like, "The path dwindled to a slender ribbon, trapped between the mountain wall on the left, against which snow had piled, narrowing the path still further, and the plummetous drop to the right."

You can have the word "plummetous" as a gift. (Further edit: according to Google, 546 people got there before me, rats.)

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Ever wished you'd went with the "She walked across the ravine, nervously," option, Hex?

 

[Hex]

Nuts. I rather liked the overhang. But I suppose the whole bit about boots going through into nothingness could come out as well, shortening things.

'Hey, overhang, darling.'

'Hmm?'

Pow pow.

(that was me killing my darling, just in case I'm failing to be clear again. No snow involved).

Thanks for "plummetous". It's just what I wanted.


"Ever wished you'd went with the "She walked across the ravine, nervously," option, Hex?"

I still may...

 

[chrispenycate]

You can have bits of overhang, but lots? It just wouldn't be stable. What you're more likely to find are wooden bits; places where the original fault wasn't wide enough, or has crumbled away, and the users have screwed a couple of planks to the rock face (easier by far than cutting into it, but you get that, too).

And the planks rot, and are replaced only when they start crumbling…

Now, that's overhang.

 

[Hex]

ugh. Just thinking about this is making me dizzy.

I will drop the overhang into the crevasse after 'endless' and proceed.

 

[anhalo]

lol, I tried to read this to make a critique, but not a good idea analysing stories while listening to Beethoven's 7th...

Weird how dramatic music can change the context of what you're reading XD

Will try again later