Synopsis - Rewrite (abt 700 words)

[AnyaKimlin]

It hasn't had a full edit, I'm more interested in content and anything that really doesn't make sense right now. (which could well be all of it)

​

Synopsis for Mayhem
Prince Angus Lorenzo of Covesea Island is a rebellious teen with dreams of becoming one of the first astronauts to leave the Planet Litae. A fight outside school has him sent to his room by his furious father, and the headmaster of the prestigious Royal Academy he attends wants him expelled; without being allowed to take his exams. It looks like his dreams are at an end and he will be forced to be his older brother's servant for the rest of his life.


Overnight his sister, Princess Evelyn Lorenzo, in cahoots with the President of Ceylonica, a large and powerful neighbour has their father, the king, murdered and the Crown Prince, Angus' older brother, is missing. Angus inherits the throne, but he doesn't want it, he never has. He is clueless, he's never left the Royal Quarter of Seatown, and has been spoiled to the point he can't even wash dishes. He discovers that his grandfather and father created a country with a corrupt government and on the verge of a huge war with Ceylonica. On top of that his sister wants the throne and has recruited an assassin to kill Angus. He knows he has to grow up, but doesn't know how.


Abbot Alexander Kazuto of the Order of the Sea, comes out of his self imposed exile to help Angus. At eight-hundred-years old he is eccentric, grumpy and wise, and despite a rocky start they learn to work together. Angus is introduced to the traditional religion and magic of the island. The practices of these traditions under his grandfather and father were punishable by imprisonment, torture and death. Angus is drawn to them and discovers a natural aptitude. He finds they have links to his beloved physics and learns quickly. Within a short time he has learned how to control his natural empathy for animals and has become the first monarch in over half a century to take on the birdform of the Monarach of the island: Mayhem, The Great White Falcon. Angus discovers the Abbot has been having a secret relationship with his Uncle and is the birth father of his girlfriend, Beatrice Qing Lukas. Angus' brother returns, but abdicates choosing to live a quiet life with his lover.


Beatrice bullies Angus into marrying her, because the greatest corruption is centred around the Queen's Guard, over which a king has no control. There has been no Queen for decades and the General is a man for whom no crime seems too great. He has killed women, kidnapped young girls, fraud, and he is believed to be the assassin of Angus' father. He proves no match for Beatrice and her father, they take over the base and hand him over to Angus for retribution. A trial finds the General guilty and sentences him to death. This prevents Angus with a huge problem it is the king's responsibility to carry out the sentence but Angus is a vegetarian, pacifist,animal rights activist; he's never even killed a spider in the bath. In his dying moments the General claims that Princess Evelyn pulled the trigger, and killed the king. This one act causes Angus to grow up more than any other, and it deepens his bond with Beatrice. Shortly after they discover she is pregnant.


Fresh from the event, Angus begins to take full control of the island and orders his head of the secret service to kidnap the young daughter and mother of the President of Ceylonica. In a secret meeting the President admits to Angus that he is worried about their safety as long as Evelyn is part of his life. In exchange for Angus protecting his mother and adopting his daughter, the President guarantees peace between the two countries.


With the country secure, Angus feels able to return to school. He installs the Abbot in his traditional post of headmaster, and they work to remove the corrupt unpleasant masters who had been working for Angus's sister.


Angus and Beatrice are feeling confident, and they organise a grand coronation. It is a chance for the country to party. During the events the assassin is finally arrested as he fires one last poison arrow into the crowd. A few months later Prince Lorenzo is born into an extended family, which is looking forward to the future. They have achieved a lot, but there is still much left to do.

 

[Hex]

couple of comments on para 1 -- being sent to his room is very... I don't know. It doesn't sound like the kind of thing a 'furious' father would do. Irritated, maybe, but furious?

The semi-colon before 'without' doesn't work for me.

'servant' likewise seemed to fall between two stools -- servants are paid etc. Does he mean 'slave'? If he has to concentrate on being a good heir and on nothing more exciting then I'd say 'heir'.

The first sentence of paragraph two is rather long and confusing. It conflates two things that I don't think work together (what Evelyn does, and the fact that the Crown Prince is missing -- which is relevant but I don't think works in the same sentence).

Washing dishes not normally associated with successful ruling of country -- not sure why it would be relevant?

I'd switch the position of a fair number of commas etc. but you said not to critique at that level so I'll leave them alone!

In para 4 someone called The General appears -- he seems to be the Big Baddie (apart from Evelyn) but I don't know how he fits in -- if you mentioned him before, I can't find it.

Um... do you need Evelyn in there? Could you make do with the General, and with Angus's father having been mysteriously killed by an assassin?

Does the President confess his fears to Angus before or after Angus has his family kidnapped (as written, the implication is that Angus has them kidnapped AND THEN the president says he's worried). What part does Evelyn play in the life of the President?

I don't like the sentence about the country partying.

What's the significance of the poison arrow?

So. It's an interesting-sounding story but there's a fair amount in this synopsis that I didn't understand! Sorry to be thick. Hope that helps.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Would angry work better than furious ?

I can remove the dishes - that will save a couple of words.

I want to use equerry rather than servant, but I have had a lot of people not know the meaning of the word. In the book there is now an explanation. Would secretary or personal assistant work better - it is very clear in the story that their father views the position as that of servant, even though his own equerry is his twin brother?


The big problem I am facing with the synopsis is lack of single antagonist baddy - basically the antagonist changes from chapter to chapter and is whoever Angus is squaring up against in that scene.

No Angus to the horror of everyone around him orders the kidnap. His country is not equipped to go to war, he's cut off negotiations and he sees it as a way to stop a threatened invasion - he then has the meeting with the president.

celebrate instead of party maybe ?

 

[Hex]

zipping through -- but two things off the top of my head (a) the signif of equerry/ servant is that Angus has to give up his dreams of exploring space? (b) *why* does he have the President's wife and daughter kidnapped? oh I see -- because the president is in cahoots with Evelyn (sorry, I'd forgotten that by the time I got there). Why wife and daughter? What's he planning to do with them?

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Yes basically Angus will not escape palace life and be doing something he hates.

They are hostages. It is not an ethical decision, Angus himself acknowledges that, but the country can't go to war with them. He deliberatly chooses the mother and daughter, because the mother is ancient and the daughter is five. They won't fight back, and they are the only family the president has. Aside from Evelyn. They are treated as members of the Royal Family though.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Incidentally, that's exactly the way it was done in medieval times, Anya; you took a high ranking member of the family hostage but it was fully expected they were treated correctly and not abused in any way. It was pretty common practice, particularly over debt.

 

[Abernovo]

It hasn't had a full edit, I'm more interested in content and anything that really doesn't make sense right now. (which could well be all of it)

​

Synopsis for Mayhem
Prince Angus Lorenzo of Covesea Island is a rebellious teen with dreams of becoming one of the first astronauts to leave the Planet Litae. A fight outside school has him sent to his room by his furious father, and the headmaster of the prestigious Royal Academy he attends wants him expelled; without being allowed to take his exams. It looks like his dreams are at an end and he will be forced to be his older brother's servant for the rest of his life. (comma) after getting into a fight outside of his prestigious school. His father is furious with him and the headmaster wants to expel him before he can sit his exams.


Overnight his sister, Princess Evelyn Lorenzo, in cahoots with the President of Ceylonica, a large and powerful neighbour that sounds like the president himself is large and powerful has their father, the king, murdered and the Crown Prince, Angus' older brother, is missing. Angus inherits the throne, but he doesn't want it, he never has even though he has never wanted it.. He is clueless, he's never left the Royal Quarter of Seatown, and has been spoiled to the point he can't even wash dishes has no connection with the lives of ordinary people.. He Who? Angus? discovers that his grandfather and father created a country with a corrupt government and on the verge of a huge war with Ceylonica. On top of that his sister wants the throne and has recruited an assassin to kill Angus him. He knows he has to grow up, but doesn't know how.


Abbot Alexander Kazuto of the Order of the Sea, comes out of his self hyphen imposed exile to help Angus. At eight-hundred-years old he is eccentric, grumpy and wise eccentric and grumpy, but wise, and despite a rocky start they learn to work together. Angus is introduced to the traditional religion and magic of the island. The practices of these traditions under his grandfather and father were punishable by imprisonment, torture and death. Angus is drawn to them and discovers a natural aptitude. He finds they have links to his beloved physics and learns quickly. Within a short time he has learned how to control his natural empathy for animals and has become the first monarch in over half a century to take on the birdform of the Monarach of the island: Mayhem, The Great White Falcon. Angus discovers the Abbot has been having a secret relationship with his Uncle and is the birth father of his girlfriend, Beatrice Qing Lukas. Angus' brother returns, but abdicates choosing to live a quiet life with his lover.


Beatrice bullies Angus into marrying her, because the greatest corruption is centred around the Queen's Guard (This is a reason to wed?), over which a king has no control. There has been no Queen for decades and the General is a man for whom no crime seems too great. He has killed women, kidnapped young girls, fraud, and he is believed to be the assassin of Angus' father. He proves no match for Beatrice and her father, they take over the base and hand him over to Angus for retribution. A trial finds the General guilty and sentences him to death. This prevents Angus with a huge problem it is the king's responsibility to carry out the sentence but Angus is a vegetarian, pacifist, and animal rights activist; he's never even killed a spider in the bath. In his dying moments the General claims that Princess Evelyn pulled the trigger, and killed the king. This one act causes Angus to grow up more than any other, and it deepens his bond with Beatrice. New ParagraphShortly after they discover she is pregnant.


Fresh from the event, Angus begins to take full control of the island and orders his head of the secret service to kidnap the young daughter and the mother of the President of Ceylonica. In a secret meeting the President admits to Angus that he is worried about their safety as long as Evelyn is part of his life. In exchange for Angus protecting his mother and adopting his daughter, the President guarantees peace between the two countries.


With the country secure, Angus feels able to return to school Does he need to return to school?. He installs the Abbot in his traditional post of headmaster, and they work to remove the corrupt unpleasant masters who had been working for Angus's sister.


Angus and Beatrice are feeling confident, and they organise a grand coronation. It is a chance for the country to party. During the events the assassin is finally arrested as he fires one last poison arrow into the crowd. A few months later Prince Lorenzo Lorenzo Lorenzo? is born into an extended family, which is looking forward to the future. They have achieved a lot, but there is still much left to do.

Anya, I've used

Red to indicate something I think is an issue
Blue for any suggestions
Pink for comments

I haven't commented on punctuation, etc. as you said you've ye to edit it, but I did notice you've got a few extra spaces in there.

Hope I haven't been too brutal and that it helps.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

OK stand by I've edited it some using the suggestions. I'll read it over properly.

@Abernovo, I don't think I have enough wordage to explain the naming system lol The baby has no surname because he is heir to the throne, but his surname would be Angus. Angus' father was Lorenzo. I could add the name of Angus' father would that help it make more sense ? If not maybe I should take the baby's name out.

@Springs hmm interesting you've given me an idea, now I need to rewrite that part of the plot lol It's so obvious he could've got the idea from a history book. Thanks for that.

 

[Hex]

sorry -- here I zip again -- I'm missing a threat that justifies Angus' behaviour. Apart from the killing of the King (and we don't actually know who did that), Evelyn and her allies don't seem to have done very much. The main issue is internal corruption. So why does Angus feel that they should be targeted?

Incidentally, '...and orders the young daughter of the President of Ceylonica taken hostage to force the withdrawal of Ceylonican warships from Covesea's ports...' or something might connect me into the story better. Also, as you say it's a massive thing for Angus to do -- questionable morally -- so what's the threat that makes him do it?

 

[Jo Zebedee]

so, i said we could all give you different answers and confuse you. Let's see what I come up with. I've tried not to read the others.
Synopsis for Mayhem


Overnight his sister, Princess Evelyn Lorenzodon't need surname; we know she's his sister, in cahoots with the President of Ceylonica, a large and powerful neighbouris the country large and powerful or the man himself? has their father, the king,i'm not sure you need this; he's a prince. murdered and the Crown Princename?, Angus' older brother, is missing. Angus inherits the throne,interim? only the brother's only missing but he doesn't want it, he never has. He is cluelessfine for the novel but I think lacks something for the synopsis; naive? inexperience?, he's never left the Royal Quarter of Seatown, and has been spoiled to the point he can't even wash dishesi think general life skills rather than a precise one.. He discovers that his grandfather and father created a countryi assume its the same country; I'd say something like created a government that was corrupt and on the verge... or maybe they supported rather than created. with a corrupt government and on the verge of a huge war with Ceylonica. On top of that his sister wants the throne and has recruited an assassin to kill Angus. He knows he has to grow up, but doesn't know how.i like the last sentence, it implies something more about the character.

His sister, Princess Evelyn, working with the president of their larger and more powerful neighbour Ceylonica, has their father the king murdered. With his brother the crown prince missing, Angus is forced to assume to the throne, even though he doesn't want it and never has. He has led a pampered life within the Royal Quarter and lacks few practical skills. When he discovers that his father and grandfather have allowed a corrupt government to take them to the verge of a huge war with Ceylonica, and faced with his sister's murderous ambition for his throune, he knows he has to grow up but doesn't know how.




Abbot Alexander Kazuto of the Order of the Sea, comes out of his self imposed exile to help Angus. At eight-hundred-years old he is eccentric, grumpy and wise, and despite a rocky start they learn to work together. Angus is introduced to the traditional religion and magic of the island. The practices of these traditions under his grandfather and father were punishable by imprisonment, torture and death. Angus is drawn to them and discovers a natural aptitude. He finds they have links to his beloved physics and learns quickly. Within a short time he has learned how to control his natural empathy for animals and has become the first monarch in over half a century to take on the birdform of the Monarach of the island: Mayhem, The Great White Falcon. Angus discovers the Abbot has been having a secret relationship with his Uncle and is the birth father of his girlfriend, Beatrice Qing Lukas. Angus' brother returns, but abdicates choosing to live a quiet life with his lover.this seems a little simplistic.
Abbot Alexander Kazuto of the Order of the Sea comes out of his self imposed exile to help Angus. An eccentric, grumpy and wise 800 year old, despite a rocky start they learn to work togehter, and he introduces Angus to the magical and religious traditions of the island, which under his father were punishable by imprisonment, torture and death. Angus finds himself drawn to them and show natural empathy, his love of physics helping him to learn quickly. Soon, he has learned to control his empathy for animals and becomes the first monarch in 500 years to take the mantle of the birdform of the Monarch of the island; Mayhem, the Great white falcon. Angus then discovers the abbot is embroiled in a secret realtionshiop with his uncle and is the bird father of his girlfriend, Beatrice.

Do we need all this detail? Do we need to know the order? and the age? Especially do we need to know in a synopsis the brother returned? I'm not sure and if it distracts from the central facts it may be worth asking the question.


Beatrice bullies Angus into marrying her, because the greatest corruption is centred around the Queen's Guard, over which a king has no controltoo flimsy i think.. There has been no Queen for decades and the General is a man for whom no crime seems too great. He has killed women, kidnapped young girls, fraud, and he is believed to be the assassin of Angus' father. I don't think you need to list the crimes.He proves no match for Beatrice and her father, theywho does? take over the base and hand him over to Angus for retribution.; he is found guilty and sentenced to death? A trial finds the General guilty and sentences him to death. This prevs?ents Angus with a huge problem it is the king's responsibility to carry out the sentence but Angus is a vegetarian, pacifist,animal rights activist; he's never even killed a spider in the bathyou could stick this in the first section where you describe him; it gives a sense of the person.. In his dying moments the General claims that Princess Evelyn pulled the trigger, and killed the king. This one act causes Angus to grow up more than any other, and it deepens his bond with Beatrice. Shortly after they discover she is pregnant.they had to get there and up until now it has seemed rather more a marriage of convenience; I am going to end up being accused of being bodice ripping obsessed, but a sense of desire is missing.


Fresh from the event, Angus begins to take full control of the island and orders his head of the secret service to kidnap the young daughter and mother of the President of Ceylonica. In a secret meeting the President admits to Angus that he is worried about their safety as long as Evelyn is part of his life. In exchange for Angus protecting his mother and adopting his daughter, the President guarantees peace between the two countries.


With the country secure, Angus feels able to return to schooldoes he need to? seems he's had a crash course. even more, do we need to know at this stage?. He installs the Abbot in his traditional post of headmaster, and they work to remove the corrupt unpleasant masters who had been working for Angus's sister.


Angus and Beatrice are feeling confident, and they organise a grand coronation. It is a chance for the country to party. During the events the assassin is finally arrested as he fires one last poison arrow into the crowd. A few months later Prince Lorenzo is born into an extended family, which is looking forward to the future. They have achieved a lot, but there is still much left to donice open ended.[/QUOTE]

not sure I helped at all; but I do think you have all sorts of details in this which could be left out, its quite busy and might be easier to follow the story if it was simplified. The problem is we don't know what the real central bits are...

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Hopefully this is clearer and answers the questions My trouble I think is the construction of the story, which works over 100K words but makes it difficult to boil down. The central story is Angus goes from rebellious prince to wise young king. Everything else is how he got there.

Synopsis for Mayhem take 142 (well feels like )

Prince Angus Lorenzo of Covesea Island is a rebellious teen with genius level intelligence and dreams of becoming one of the first astronauts to leave the Planet Litae. The media styled ''Royal Oaf" gets into a fight on the way to school which threatens to end his aspirations. His father is furious and the headmaster wants him expelled before taking his exams. It looks like the rest of his life will be spent in the palace, serving as equerry to his brother, the Crown Prince. An esteemed position that lacks the thrill of going into space.

Overnight his sister, Princess Evelyn Lorenzo orders the death of their father, King Lorenzo II. She has allied herself with Ceylonica: a large country to the North with the firepower to blow the tiny Covesea Island out of the water. Using their navy the king's yacht is torpedoed. The Crown Prince is missing and presumed dead. Angus inherits the throne, but he doesn't want it he never has. The reigns of his grandfather and father had resulted in an unhappy country with a corrupt government and international relations worthy of Bismarck. The clueless teen needs to grow up, but doesn't know how. His father had kept him ignorant of the politics and he has never left the confines of the Royal Quarter of the capital city. Angus' only experience of the island's general populace has been heavily monitored relationships with servants.

Abbot Alexander Kazuto of the Order of the Sea, comes out of a self imposed exile to help Angus. At eight-hundred-years old he is complicated, but proves the wise and kindly mentor Angus needs. Through the Abbot, Angus is introduced to the traditional religion and magic of the island. The practices of these traditions under his grandfather and father were punishable by imprisonment, torture and death. Everyone Angus cares about has been keeping secrets from him, and he feels betrayed and let down. Angus is drawn to the magic and discovers a natural aptitude. He finds they have links to his beloved physics and learns quickly. Within a short time he has learned how to control his natural empathy for animals and has become the first monarch in over half a century to take on the birdform of the Monarch of the island: Mayhem, The Great White Falcon. Angus discovers the Abbot has been having a secret relationship with his Uncle and is the birth father of his girlfriend, Beatrice Qing Lukas.

Beatrice bullies Angus into marrying her. The Queen's Guard is controlled by Princess Evelyn, but because of an ancient law the king has no power over them and cannot enter their base. There has been no Queen for decades and the General is a man for whom no crime seems too great. He proves no match for Beatrice and her father, who use the Abbot's Divine Warrior's to take over the base and hand him over to Angus for retribution. The carved up body of King Lorenzo II is found in the freezer on the base, he had been shot in the back. A trial establishes connections between the General and Princess Evelyn, and finds the General guilty of the assassination. He is sentenced to death, which presents Angus with a huge problem it is the king's responsibility to carry out the sentence but Angus is a vegetarian, pacifist,animal rights activist; he's never even killed a spider in the bath. In his dying moments the General claims that Princess Evelyn fired the shot that killed the king. This one act causes Angus to grow up more than any other, and it deepens his bond with Beatrice. Shortly after they discover she is pregnant.

Trade negotiations with Ceylonica have taken a turn for the worse. Angus has refused to export a precious ore that is only available on Covesea Island. The President threatens him with war. Covesea Island's armed services are corrupt, ill discplined and not up to defending the nation. Against the advice of his government advisers Angus organises the kidnap of the President's elderly mother and five year old daughter, Daisy. A secret meeting with the President of Ceylonica, reveals a troubled man who is in fear of his new wife, Evelyn. They make a deal that if Angus will keep Daisy and her grandmother safe, the President will not engage in war.

With the country secure, Angus decides to return to school. He feels it will help the media see him as more responsible, and wished to avoid the headline, ''King Oaf, the highschool dropout.'' He installs the Abbot in his traditional post of headmaster, and they work to remove the corrupt unpleasant masters who had been working for Angus's sister.

Angus and Beatrice are feeling confident, and they organise a grand coronation. It is a chance for the country to celebrate. During the events the assassin is finally arrested as he fires one last poison arrow into the crowd. A few months later Prince Lorenzo is born into an extended family, which is looking forward to the future. They have achieved a lot, but there is still much left to do.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

There's a bit of punctuation etc. a bit off, but this is better; I can follow it a lot more easliy.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Thanks I'll go and sort the punctuation. See what happens.

 

[Hex]

Admire me not doing what I ought to be but bothering your synopsis instead.

A couple of questions:
(1) If the king just vanishes (in order to have his body turn up in the freezer - blegh) then how do they know he's dead?
(2) "Angus discovers the Abbot has been having a secret relationship with his Uncle and is the birth father of his girlfriend, Beatrice Qing Lukas." -- I don't quite understand the mechanics of this. I suspect I'm reading too much into it, but I keep thinking that the relationship-with-uncle is somehow related to being the birth father of Beatrice. Perhaps related to this, I'm not sure if the relationship is relevant enough to justify being in the synopsis -- the uncle isn't mentioned elsewhere, for example. Unless it impacts on Angus in some significant way, maybe you should leave it out?
(3) I'm still not sure who the General is.
(4)"The Queen's Guard is controlled by Princess Evelyn, but because of an ancient law the king has no power over them and cannot enter their base." I wonder if there's an alternative to 'control' because I thought it was an official situation and supposed to be that way -- how about 'under the influence of'? or 'riddled with treachery' or 'traitorously devoted to Evelyn'? or something.
(5) "There has been no Queen for decades and the General is a man for whom no crime seems too great." Quite apart from the fact that I'm not sure who the General is (of the Queen's Guard?) these two bits of sentence don't seem to me to belong together.

I think you could delete these:

"before taking his exams"
"An esteemed position that lacks the thrill of going into space."
"Using their navy"
"he never has"
"imprisonment" (imprisonment doesn't seem too bad when 'torture and death' are the next two items on the list)

Okay. Will stop now. Just to add: I still have a lack-of-tension problem. So it sounds like (and I'm sure this isn't what the book is like):

Hapless teen comes to power when father and brother vanish -- presumed assassinated.

Discovers country in a mess. Abbot comes and helps him, teaches him magic, helps him clear up (teen is upset because didn't know truth before, but gets over it).

Teen gets married in order to sort out some treacherous soldiers, but they're easily defeated by his wife [so not much of a threat after all?]. He discovers body of father and kills the man responsible [I understand the tension in this bit]-- only perhaps it wasn't him.

And so on. Also, I wondered about sexing it up (not like that), eg:

Faced with the threat of obliteration by Ceylonia, Angus must take desperate decisions: against the advice of his advisers....

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Hmm I think you are right. Maybe I have the focus all wrong, I've been looking at fantasy summaries as my model. I'm wondering if something like Catcher in the Rye might be better.

Angus brings the tension into the situations depending on who or what he is battling with or worrying about. The big things don't make him tense - it is arguements with his father, brother, uncle, the Abbot, Jack the bloke at school, Shun the Abbot's son, his father's valet, a teacher at school etc.

The antagonists are a society set up by his grandfather to 'threaten' the Universal Father or god, and gain control over the universe. I can't really condense that without it being confusing into the synopsis. The General isn't a big character maybe that needs to come out or somehow be made clear. His sister now runs it. The true Matriach/Lord of Evil is not revealed in this story and appears only as a Great Skua - I know who she is and why, but it doesn't impact on this story.

Beatrice is his uncle's adopted daughter.

Angus is told his father is dead, and accepts it. The information comes from the Abbot, and how he knew I am not entirely sure. (I have my suspicions that the Crown Prince isn't as innocent as he claims in the story).

The thing I lose with the individual events is Angus and ultimately they are not the main story. He is. They are just things that change him.

I'm going to go back to the drawing board completely.

 

[Hex]

Uh I wouldn't like you to think I knew what I was talking about. Maybe see what some other people think?

It would be my assumption (but I have no real evidence for this) that the story you want to have at the forefront is the one with the tension and chance-of-failure. So if the main problem is Angus overcoming his own personality to defeat the baddies and interact nicely with the goodies, then maybe more of the vegetarian pacifist sort of thing?

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Uh I wouldn't like you to think I knew what I was talking about. Maybe see what some other people think?

It would be my assumption (but I have no real evidence for this) that the story you want to have at the forefront is the one with the tension and chance-of-failure. So if the main problem is Angus overcoming his own personality to defeat the baddies and interact nicely with the goodies, then maybe more of the vegetarian pacifist sort of thing?

I think so - I think a very large vegetarian pacifist, with a habit of punching his way out of trouble, (he's only a pacifist when it comes to killing things, breaking noses when they annoy him is a different issue) and a severe body image problem may be where the tension lies lol Although it does make him sound a bit like Hitler.

Actually lol maybe that should be my opening paragraph. I've always said the story is Angus and maybe the synopsis should reflect that.

EDIT Something like this:

Prince Angus Lorenzo is a blight on family portraits and being a member of the Royal Family the things are everywhere. At six-foot-eleven and built like a behemoth he wants to blend into the background but nobody can miss him. The media continously style him as the ''Royal Oaf''. His genius level intelligence and kind forgiving heart get ignored, because he likes to think with his fists. He's supposed to be a vegetarian pacifist, but just sometimes people can wind him up. On his way to school Jack Sorenson was pestering him, so he punched Jack and Jack punched him back. Now the headmaster wants him expelled. The King and Crown Prince (his father and brother) are going to determine his fate, but his dreams of becoming an astronaut are at an end.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

I may regret this - it is late and I'm tired, but is this focus better:


Prince Angus Lorenzo is a blight on family portraits and being a member of the Royal Family the things are everywhere. At six-foot-eleven and built like a behemoth he wants to blend into the background but nobody can miss him. The media continously style him as the ''Royal Oaf''. His genius level intelligence and kind forgiving heart get ignored, because he likes to think with his fists. He's supposed to be a vegetarian pacifist, but just sometimes people can wind him up. On his way to school Jack Sorenson was pestering him, so he punched Jack and Jack punched him back. Now the headmaster wants him expelled. The King and Crown Prince (his father and brother) are going to determine his fate, but his dreams of becoming an astronaut are at an end.

He languishes in his bedroom with the world against him whilst his family are celebrating on the Royal Yacht. He hates his father for forcing him to miss his brother's birthday party and can't settle. No amount of throwing things at the wall is making him feel better. Whilst he is tossing and turning he has a bizarre; dreamlike visit from the Abbot, a man whom he had never met before and Angus is informed an event has occurred which will change his life forever. A few hours later he is woken by his Uncle to be told the yacht was torpedoed and the king, princess and crown prince are missing presumed dead. Angus is in charge of the country, but he doesn't want to be. He never wanted to be king and has never shown any interest in politics. His father's protective nature meant his contact with servants was strictly regulated and he has never left the Royal Quarter of the city. He knows he needs to grow up if he is to succeed as monarch, but he doesn't know how.


The Abbot becomes a mentor to Angus; he shows him the traditional religion and magic of the island. Practice of magic was banned under Angus' grandfather's reign. Angus' intelligence give him a natural aptitude as he applies some of what he has learned in science to the practice of the magic. The Abbot and Angus achieve a mind-link which gives both of them issues. The eight-hundred-year old Abbot's bad temper and wisdom do not mix well with hot tempered, hormonal teen. Unknown to Angus his adopted cousin and girlfriend is the Abbot's daughter and some of the images in Angus' mind are not ones a father wishes to see. They work out the issues and begin to work together to solve the corruption his grandfather and father's reign has left behind.


One major problem is the Queen's Guard. They are protected by an ancient law which prevents the king from having any power over them, and there hasn't been a Queen since the death of Angus' grandmother. Their leader is a a corrupt general for whom no crime is too awful. Beatrice, the Abbot's daughter bullies Angus into marrying her and with the help of the Abbot's Divine Warriors they go into battle against them. Angus is not allowed on the base, but with the help of the Abbot's second in command he finds a sacred chapel and learns the secret of how to become the Great White Falcon; The birdform of the King of Covesea Island. In disguise he attends the events on his wife's shoulder, frustrated the Abbot won't let him at least attempt to use his beak and talons to defemd his wife. During the search of the base the body of Angus' father is found in a freezer. He was shot in the back.


The General is turned over to the authorities for trial, and is sentenced to death. Executions on Covesea Island have been rare since the death of his grandfather, and they are the king's responsibility. Angus who will break anybodies nose, hasn't even killed a spider in the bath before, but now he is called upon to kill a man at point blank range. In his dying moments the General reveals that Angus' sister was the one who kidnapped and shot their father. After helping bury the General at sea Angus returns home. He spends a long time washing off the blood of General from his body and despite not being able to rid himself of the image of the man in his dying moments this proves a major turning point for Angus and he starts to take control of his own life and that of the country.


A grand coronation is held and the country celebrates with flag waving and street parties. They have achieved much, but there is much left to do. A few months later their son is born.

 

[Boneman]

Hi Anya,

I'll have a go at this version, and although I've read the others, I haven't looked at them in-depth, so forgive me if I reiterate what other people have said.

You ask about focus, and the one thing that strikes me is the real lack of a dramatic opening to help the reader focus on what is important - vegetarian pacifism, punching people on the nose and possibly being expelled from school, and being sent to your room, tends to make me think this is a story for 8 year-olds, because in their universe that might be important, or even funny. And although there's a lot of tension and angst in the opening scene, (that I read) it's not brought over in the synopsis. There's regicide and mayhem and magic going on throughout the book, and I feel it could have a better impact if the main parts of the story are emphasised, and the rest is left out. The synopsis is not there to tell everything in the story - it's a precis of the storyline and action. Punching people on the nose and being 6ft 11 is part of what makes Angus what he is, they don't happen to him as part of the story.

So, here's a possible version - I'm bearing in mind what is generally known (thank goodness) that the prose we write is looked at by Agents/publishers, and the synopsis used as a backup: either to see where the story goes or to clarify something. Nobody ever got a book deal on a synopsis... they may have got interest, but it's the book itself that does the deed. BTW, not sure if Angus is crowned King at the begining, or whether the Uncle is a regent or what... hence the brackets in the first sentence. Select which version fits...

Young Prince Angus Lorenzo wasn't prepared to be King, but when the rest of his family are murdered, he is (about to be) forced onto the throne, knowing nothing of governing a kingdom. With enemies circling, his reign as King looks certain to be short. But when Abbott (insert name here) contacts Angus though dreams he is shown a possible way to survive - through magic. Science had guided the kingdom by technological innovations , and magic has been banned for over 50 years, Abbott Frankie secretly guides him on the path of Zenzusit arts,(Whatever the magic is called in your world) and Angus becomes adept at practising the forbidden art.

He quickly discovers there have been generations of corruption behind the throne and the legendary Queen's Guard are at the heart of it. The leader of the Guards, General Zod, will stop at nothing to achieve his ambition of the Throne (Or the treasure, or whatever it is that motivates him) but cannot move against Angus openly. Angus knows he is powerless to oppose their might, but the Abbott has a cadre of Divine Warriors, and they plan how to overcome them. Angus marries Beatrice, the abbott's daughter, at her insistence, and when the two opposing forces clash in a battle Angus is frustrated to be left out of the fighting - he is too important to be risked.

Unable to help, he nonetheless finally penetrates the deepest of magical secrets, and learns how to transform into a Great White Falcon, something that only the kings of his land could do in the past. Using the falcon, Angus helps in the battle (at least, I think he does - not sure what 'the events' are, that you speak of) and the General is defeated and captured. Angus is horrified to learn that he alone, as King, must execute the General. And when the dying General informs him that Princess Leia, Angus's sister was responsible for the death of his father, he despairs. But he has been forced to grow up quickly, and finds the strength to go on.

He and Beatrice are crowned, and a son is born some months later. Angus knows that the battle for the kingdom is not over, while his sister still plots against him.

That's my attempt. I've taken a lot of your words out and I hope I haven't lost the essence of the story too much. It's really quite succinct (euphimism for short...). I have no idea whether Angus fled and was trained by the Abbott, or whether it was done while he was in the Palace, with his enemies plotting. And if the sister has a bigger involvement in it, that should be brought out - although I like the idea of a 'reveal' by the general, which leaves a cliff-hanger because the Princess is still alive. You'll notice I've said little of the type of world it is, and that may be a mistake, as the technology involved determines some of the methods of killing etc. BUT... that will be seen very quickly by the reader, who will accept it, and then use the synopsis, already knowing it, so it may not be necessary to emphasize it. The synopsis is a mignon just to say what happened, not too much detail of HOW it happened. But it might give you something to build on, and I hope it helps.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Thanks BM - last paragraph is staying. I'll try again using yours as a model. I love what you have done with Evelyn and I see ways to bring her out more from it. My concern is should I note that my high-fantasy style world is modern? Although if they have read the first three chapters they should know that

Angus becomes king whilst the rest of the country think his father is still alive. His Uncle is his father's identical twin (I know fantasy cliche lol). Angus calls the shots though, starting with asking his father's valet to call him by his first name and not bow to him whilst in private. His brother doesn't die - actually abdicates, moves in with his boyfriend and works as a schoolmaster. He is officially crowned at the end of the book.

OK I'll give it one last try and then I think it will have to do.