Synopsis - Rewrite (abt 700 words)

[Peter Graham]

Hi AK,

I think this could be very heavily trimmed. The point of the synopsis is to deal with the following:-

1. Whose story is it?

2. What does he want?

3. What stands in his way?

4. How does he overcome?

Extraneous detail is not really necessary at this stage - an agent will pick that up from the sample chapters (assuming this is a synopsis to accompany a submission pack).

With this in mind, your first paragraph...

Prince Angus Lorenzo is a blight on family portraits and being a member of the Royal Family the things are everywhere. At six-foot-eleven and built like a behemoth he wants to blend into the background but nobody can miss him. The media continously style him as the ''Royal Oaf''. His genius level intelligence and kind forgiving heart get ignored, because he likes to think with his fists. He's supposed to be a vegetarian pacifist, but just sometimes people can wind him up. On his way to school Jack Sorenson was pestering him, so he punched Jack and Jack punched him back. Now the headmaster wants him expelled. The King and Crown Prince (his father and brother) are going to determine his fate, but his dreams of becoming an astronaut are at an end.

...could easily be reduced to.....

"Prince Angus is an intelligent, peace loving young man unfairly caricatured as the "Royal Oaf". His dreams of becoming an astronaut are placed in jeopardy following his expulsion from school."

The rest of this sentence doesn't get to the meat of what the story is really about. There's too much unnecessary exposition (anyone with the title "Prince" is clearly a member of the Royal family) and too much detail (for the purposes of synopsis, who cares who punched who - what is important is that he's been given the boot).

The sentence structure is also a bit odd. For example:-

Prince Angus Lorenzo is a blight on family portraits and being a member of the Royal Family the things are everywhere.

You mean that portraits are everywhere - what you actually say is that blights are everywhere. The second part of the sentence is also a bit of a non-sequitur.

A similar "blade one" could be applied to most of the rest of the synopsis. Cut it down to the themes, the central characters and the plot. The Abbot fills the familiar role of aged guardian (Gandalf, Ben Kenobi, Merlin, Dumbledore etc) and his introduction could be covered in a single sentence. The set-up to the main action - the young blade taking the reins of power when totally unprepared - hardly needs much more than another two.

At the end, you then state:-

He spends a long time washing off the blood of General from his body and despite not being able to rid himself of the image of the man in his dying moments this proves a major turning point for Angus and he starts to take control of his own life and that of the country.

What is not clear is whether this is the end of the book or whether the starting to take control is part of the action as the book approaches its denouement. If it is, you need to tell us what happens - albeit in brief. You have gone from far too much detail to not nearly enough. In fact, if I were reading this as an agent, I'd susepct that you hadn't actually finished writing the book yet - which wouldn't be a point in your favour.

Incidentally, I think you have also used "despite.." wrongly in the context of the wider sentence.

A grand coronation is held and the country celebrates with flag waving and street parties. They have achieved much, but there is much left to do. A few months later their son is born.

Aha! So this is the ending. But what is left to do? Do they do it in the book? If so, how?

Regards,

Peter

 

[Boneman]

Thanks BM - last paragraph is staying. I'll try again using yours as a model. I love what you have done with Evelyn and I see ways to bring her out more from it. My concern is should I note that my high-fantasy style world is modern? Although if they have read the first three chapters they should know that Absolutely they will know it, and since there's magic coming in, it's a great contrast... don't try too hard to get everything in, it's just not possible...

Angus becomes king whilst the rest of the country think his father is still alive. His Uncle is his father's identical twin (I know fantasy cliche lol). Angus calls the shots though, starting with asking his father's valet to call him by his first name and not bow to him whilst in private. His brother doesn't die - actually abdicates, moves in with his boyfriend and works as a schoolmaster. He is officially crowned at the end of the book. But (as Peter says above) whose story is it? It's Anguses, and you're right to concentrate on him...

OK I'll give it one last try and then I think it will have to do.After we critique it...[/QUOTE]

It's improving every time...

 

[AnyaKimlin]

I do know I am never again writing a story with this structure lol My other novels writing a synopsis for them was a piece of cake - it is much easier with a clear main plot and an obvious antagonist.

I am writing it but it is lunchtime and kids want fed.