Two beginnings

[Hex]

Nyarg... I am struggling with the start of my wip. I'd be very grateful for any comments. Does one of these grab you more than the other? I know they're not perfect, language-wise, but I'd value opinions.

Opening One:

The stink of smoke and decaying leather. A dark sky low over empty fields. I sat in the dull compartment, knees together, gloved hands in my lap, and managed not to cry.

Dania's dead, the train chattered, Dania's dead, Dania's dead, Dania's dead. It didn't say I'd killed her, but enough people were saying that already.

#

Ch 1

They came at breakfast time, two members of the University Guardia in their grey coats...


Opening Two:

I'd washed and washed but it made no difference. I could still smell burning flesh, the throat-searing acid of diocortain. At first I thought I'd been splashed, but a week after the accident I knew it was more than that.

I was contaminated with the smell of death.

"You'd better eat," Ella said around a mouthful of bacon, "or you'll get even skinnier and none of the boys will think you're pretty any more." She frowned. "Oh, wait -- I mean, they still won't think you're pretty. Silly me."

She laughed. I looked away from her greasy lips.

"Eat, Rachel, please," Dittany said, ignoring Ella. "You're white as a sheet. I'm sure it's not good for you."

"I'm fine," I told them, picking up a slice of toast. "I am eating. I was just..."

I couldn't say it. Guilt stopped me speaking her name. Guilt and the threat of tears. I didn't want to cry. It would upset Dittany and make Ella laugh. Neither appealed.

"We know what you were doing. Mooning over that Normal."

"Her name was Dania, and I'm not 'mooning'. I should have seen what she was doing."

Ella laughed. "You didn't see her doing Mikhail, did you."

"Ella!"

"Oh come on, Dittany. What did you think Mik got up to with his little projects? We're all adults here." She glanced at me. "Well, except Rachel."

I sighed and Dittany blundered in. "She had her birthday. She's an adult now."

"Oh yes," Ella grinned at me. "You're old enough to be criminally responsible. How convenient."

I rolled my eyes at her and bit the corner off my piece of toast. We'd had the same conversation in various forms every morning since the accident. Ella's jokes were reliably weak, Dittany always tried to defend me and made things worse. After the ordeal of breakfast we'd clear up, put on our hygiene gloves and set off for the lab where I could focus on the research and forget poor Dania in the calming, minute details of the bacterial samples.

That morning was different, though, because right after I'd swallowed the toast, someone hammered on the door.

 

[The Judge]

For me, opening 1 wins hands down. I think it's grabbier and gets us into the story quicker. I like the dialogue in opening 2, and if we were staying with Ella and Dittany I'd think it important we see them in their vicious gibes and well-meaning uslessness, though even then I'd question opening with them quite like this, as it perhaps goes on a little too much for the start.

Just to be perverse, can't we have a combination of the two? Open with 1 then after the first line of Chapter 1 something like "We were at breakfast. Ella was taunting me, as she'd been doing since the accident." [yes, it's telling, but it gets the info over quickly so you can concentrate on more important things] and then carry on with a little of opening 2 just to give some info** and then revert to 1. The stuff you have to leave out -- eg the washing of hands (very Lady MacBeth) you can bring in later in the book, eg when she is looking at her hands, or she puts gloves on, or is in a bathroom or whatever.

** the "criminally responsible" line was a bit too much for me. It's not very subtle in the way it's introduced, and it's a bit of a flag pointing up that she's been framed. If you want to keep it in, I think you need to have it smoother -- what about in the "trial" scene? The professors can check she is of age then and we can draw our own conclusions without having it forced onto us, or if you think that's not enough, Ella can say something afterwards, perhaps?

Anyway, good work.

 

[alchemist]

I almost LOLled (in the bank) at the "doing" of no. 2, but I still prefer the dynamism of no.1.

Sorry.

 

[crystal haven]

Opening One for me. It makes me want to know more.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I'm with TJ. I like the first section, always have, but I also like that the dialogue in the 2nd builds sympathy for Rachel, before the trial. Combine?

 

[Hex]

Well that's nice and unambiguous

Which bits of dialogue? Shall I keep the 'doing' bit? Anything that makes someone laugh in a bank has to be worth hanging on to... I wondered about its YA credentials, but it's probably pretty YA.

 

[Abernovo]

Just to add to the chorus, I prefer the first version. It is, as TJ puts it, 'grabbier'. It's got punch to it. I agree with TJ that some of the second section could possibly combine with Ch1, as well.

EDIT: The 'doing' seems okay, but 'mooning' never works for me as a word for sadness. That could just be me.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I did wonder about the doing as an opening if you're going YA, on the other hand, it might raise a laugh. Um, fence, sitting, me?

 

[Warren_Paul]

Without a doubt, Opening One.

The train clattering sounding like "Dania's dead" wins for me - which is funny, because I didn't like it at first, but it's grown on me since I first read this scene.

The dialogue is quite entertaining from the second, but it does through a damper on the seriousness of what's going on, but I'll have to actually see them combined, to know for sure if it works for me. Right now the first one is way more throwing us into the drama.

As along Aber's comment, 'mooning' is more what someone does when they like somebody, not when they are brooding over what happened, but of course there is a bit of teasing to the dialogue, so it might work in this situation.

 

[The Judge]

I agree with Abernovo that "mooning" doesn't usually mean "mourning" -- it's more the kind of unrequited pining for a loved one, especially if the loved one doesn't know it (so mooning for Mikhail, possibly).

I think part of the problem of the scene isn't the dialogue but the continual reaction shots. Cut those out, perhaps, and you can use most of the lines, albeit truncated. I'd drop the first bit from Ella, since that adds very little and you could substitute an insult or something eg "What's up, skinny-face?" Ella said around a mouthful of bacon. "Cat got your tongue? Mooning over Mikhail again?/Still blubbering over Dania?" Then Dittany's "Eat, Rachel, please." but the white-faced bit could go, perhaps.

I'd keep the "doing" line, it says a lot about the situation as a whole -- but I don't see the point of having Rachel unable to say Dania's name in one line, only for her to say it the next time she speaks, so I think you could join those two bits together eg "I was just thinking. I should have seen what Dania was doing." Or use "she" instead of Dania, or have her hesitate as if unable to say the name.

By the way, "criminally responsible" is not the same thing as "of the age of criminal responsibility" so if you do put the phrase into the mouth of someone other than the ignorant Ella, you'd need to amend it, too.

 

[Hex]

er, yes, Ella's a bit wobbly on legal details. I'll have a word with her...

Constant reaction shots seem to be a new and interesting feature of my re-writing. Hmm.

edit: agree about 'mooning' (actually, I agree with all the comments people have made -- thank you) -- how about 'moping'? I think that's what I meant, anyway.

 

[RJM Corbet]

Opening 1, for me too. It's actually extremely good, Hex.

Now please let me have a go at your dialogue? It's so important to get it as tight as the rest of your writing? ...


"You'd better eat," Ella said around a mouthful of bacon, "or you'll get even skinnier and none of the boys will think you're pretty any more." She frowned. "Oh, wait -- I mean, they still won't think you're pretty. Silly me."

(Would she actually talk like this? There's not enough time here, but I feel it can be tighter?)

"You'd better eat," Ella said around a mouthful of bacon (Good! But then it goes all to pieces. So maybe something like) ...

... of bacon. "You're getting so skinny you're losing the few male fans you've still got left."

She laughed. I looked away from her greasy lips.

"Eat, Rachel, (please,)" Dittany (said, ignoring) ignored Ella. "You're (white as a sheet -- cliche) too pale. (I'm sure it's not good) It's bad for you."

"I'm fine," I told them, picking up a slice of toast. "(I am) I'm eating. I (was) just..."

I couldn't say it. Guilt stopped me speaking her name. Guilt and the threat of tears. I didn't want to cry. It would upset Dittany and make Ella laugh. Neither appealed.

"(We know what you were doing. Mooning over that) You're mooning. Over that ..."

" (Her name was Dania, and) Her name's Dania. I'm not 'mooning'. I should've (have) seen what she was doing."

Ella laughed. "You didn't see her doing Mikhail either, did you?"

"Ella!"

"Oh Come on, Dittany. What did you think Mik got up to with his little projects? We're all adults. here. " She glanced at me. "Well, Except maybe Rachel?"

I sighed. and Dittany blundered in. "She had her birthday. She's an adult (now)."

"Oh? yes," Ella grinned at me. "You're old enough to be criminally responsible? How Convenient."

No offence taken, I hope? I just feel that in writing good dialogue, even one extra word can make it sound a bit unnatural? And natural sounding dialogue is half the battle won?

 

[Hex]

Of course no offence, RJM. Thank you very much for taking the time. Your suggestions are really helpful and I will use them as I tighten this section.

 

[The Judge]

Hex, to me "moping" isn't quite bitchy enough, which is why I used "blubbering" which is much more pejorative, but it's certainly better than "mooning" in this context.


And while I don't want to be seen critiquing a critique, which is a no-no, of course, just to say as a general point that while one extra word can result in unnatural dialogue as RJM says, so can removing a word which is necessary for rhythm and feel, so pruning apparently extraneous words can sometimes do more harm than good, as I've found to my cost in my own work. Knowing one's characters and how they talk will show you the way, as here.

 

[RJM Corbet]

... removing a word which is necessary for rhythm and feel ... can sometimes do more harm than good, as I've found to my cost in my own work. Knowing one's characters and how they talk will show you the way, as here.

Yes sorry. I may have a tendency to make everyone talk like a Mickey Spillane character ...

 

[ctg]

Hex, after reading the larger bit, I'd say that you shouldn't try to alter the beginning so much as what have done with the excerpt number two. However, I'd say to keep the example and stitch it in when you need an flashback or something like that to the time when she needs to realise what really happened at that day.

You know, Mister King and Mister Gibson has said that they only write twice every story and then they leave it to mature. So please listen your muse and don't try too hard to impress the audience in away that the story isn't meant to be told.

 

[Hex]

Something like this?

The stink of smoke and decaying leather. A dark sky low over empty fields. I sat in the dull compartment, knees together, gloved hands in my lap, and managed not to cry.

Dania's dead, the train chattered, Dania's dead, Dania's dead, Dania's dead.

It didn't say I'd killed her, but enough people were saying that already.


Chapter 1

The morning had started predictably, with Ella taunting me about the accident.

"You'd better eat, skinny," she said around a mouthful of bacon, "or there'll be nothing left when your beloved Prof gets home."

"Eat, Rachel, please." Dittany pushed a plate towards me. Mushrooms dribbled dark juice over the eggs, bacon lay pink and fat across fried potatoes. It smelled of burning flesh.

I picked up a slice of toast. "I am eating. I was just-"

"Blubbering over that Normal."

"Dania. And I'm not 'blubbering'. I should have seen what she was doing."

Ella laughed. "Why? You didn't see her doing Mikhail, did you?"

"Ella!"

"Oh come on, Dittany. Everyone knows what Mik gets up to with his little projects. Even the Prof's perfect girl knew, didn't you."

I shrugged. I couldn't deny I'd let Dania into the lab because she was Mikhail's latest obsession. I had a fair idea what they'd been doing.

"See? We're all adults here." She glanced at me. "Just."

I bit the corner off my piece of toast. Soon we'd go to the lab where I was in charge. Part of the reason for Ella's bile, but at least there she'd need to be quiet.

I didn't get there. Right after I'd swallowed the toast, someone hammered on the door.

We stared at each other. The hammering came again and the door shook. Dittany grabbed Ella's arm.

"Don't! Don't open it."

 

[ctg]

Yes.

I feel that people should stop posting these things as it forces me to post and get closer to that dreaded xxxx post.

 

[The Judge]

I miss the "They came at breakfast time..." line -- it adds a frisson in a way that "The morning had started predictably..." doesn't. I know that it makes what follows a bit of a jump back in time for a minute or two, but as long as it isn't overused I think that's acceptable -- and the "had" in the present line is distancing in any event.

Some nit-picky thoughts:

The stink of smoke and decaying leather. A dark sky low over empty fields. I sat in the dull [I'd like a more evocative adjective here. Not that I can think of one off hand...] compartment, knees together, gloved hands in my lap, and managed not to cry.

Dania's dead, the train chattered. [I think a full stop here] Dania's dead, Dania's dead, Dania's dead.

It didn't say I'd killed her, but enough people were saying that already.


Chapter 1

The morning [had] started predictably, with Ella taunting me about the accident.

"You'd better eat, skinny," she said around a mouthful of bacon, "or there'll be nothing left of you [I don't think anyone would confuse it with having no food left but it's a bit odd without it] when your beloved Prof gets home."

"Eat, Rachel, please." Dittany pushed a plate towards me. Mushrooms dribbled dark juice over the eggs, [in two minds about putting a semi-colon here] bacon lay pink and fat across fried potatoes. It smelled of burning flesh.

I picked up a slice of toast. "I am eating. I was just-"

"Blubbering over that Normal." [having read the scene already, we know it's Ella, not Dittany speaking, but I wonder if someone coming fresh to the scene would know that since the last person to speak was Dittany. If you want to avoid a "said Ella" or give her another action, perhaps add her name when Rachel speaks eg "... Dania, Ella."]

"Her name is... was... [wonder if you need to make it explicit that Normal = Dania] Dania. And I'm not 'blubbering'. I should have seen what she was doing."

Ella laughed. "Why? You didn't see her doing Mikhail, did you?" [this line no longer fits as well, to my mind. I read "see" as "know what was going on" not "physically witness" but in the next breath she says that even Rachel knew, so that reading no longer holds good, and I don't think the alternative works as well. Unless perhaps you change it to "Or did you?" at the end, which then explains the next bit plus also imparts a voyeuristic charge to it]

"Ella!"

"Oh come on, Dittany. Everyone knows what Mik gets up to with his little projects. Even the Prof's perfect girl knew, didn't you?"

[I shrugged.] [shrugging is rather a dismissive, nonchalent action, which doesn't fit with her mood, I wouldn't have thought. How about having her looking away if you want a reaction which Ella can see] I couldn't deny I'd let Dania into the lab because she was Mikhail's latest obsession. I had a fair idea what they'd been doing. [is it important that we know that she knows what was going on? If not, I think I'd omit these two sentences]

"See? We're all adults here." She glanced at me. "Just."

I bit the corner off my piece of toast. [this comes over as an aggressive action. Is that what you intend? If not, I'd suggest she puts the toast down, uneaten] Soon we'd go to the lab where I was in charge. That was part of the reason for Ella's bile, but at least there she'd need to be quiet.

I didn't get there. Right after I'd swallowed the toast, someone hammered on the door. [this is rather a downbeat line for something so important -- I think it's the "someone" which isn't helping. I've tried variations of "Immediately after, the University Police arrived." but that sounds like she's expecting them. "... the hammering started at the door." possibly?]

We stared at each other. The hammering came again and the door shook. Dittany grabbed Ella's arm.

"Don't! Don't open it."

But yes, I think this is the way forward. Well done.

 

[RJM Corbet]

Chapter 1

The morning had started predictably, with Ella taunting me about the accident.

"You'd better eat (,skinny" she said around a mouthful of bacon, ") or there'll be nothing left of you (when) by the time your beloved Prof gets home," she said around a mouthful of bacon.

"Eat, Rachel. Please." Dittany pushed (a plate) the plate closer towards me. Mushrooms dribbled (oozed?) dark juice over the eggs; bacon lay pink and fat across the fried potatoes. It smelled of burning flesh.

I picked up a slice of toast. "I am eating. I was just -"

"Just blubbering? Over that normal."(Otherwise it can read as if the blubbering is normal, with a punctuation error, the full-stop left out by mistake? I read it that way in the 'mooning' version ...)

"Dania. Her name's Dania. And I'm not 'blubbering'. I should have seen what she was doing."

Ella laughed. "Why? You didn't see her doing Mikhail either, did you?"

"Ella!"

"Oh come on, Dittany. Everyone knows what Mik gets up to with his little projects," Ella said. "Even the Prof's perfect girl knew. Didn't you?"

I shrugged. I couldn't deny I'd let Dania into the lab (a comma here will decide whether she couldn't deny it because she had indeed let D in -- or did she let D in because she was M's latest obsession?) because she was Mikhail's latest obsession. I had a fair idea what they'd been doing.

"(See)Well? We're all adults here." She glanced at me. "(Just) Almost."

I bit the corner off my piece of toast. Soon we'd go to the lab where I was in charge. Part of the reason for Ella's bile, but at least there she'd need to be quiet.

I didn't get there. Right after I'd swallowed the toast, someone hammered on the door.

We stared at each other. The hammering came again and the door shook. Dittany grabbed Ella's arm.

"(Don't!) Don't open it!"

Great, Hex ...