Synopsis.... please help!

[Colbey Frost]

My synopsis is just under 1500 hundred words and for that I am sorry. Sorry for you, and sorry for myself. The synopsis was 7000 words long... then 4000, now 1500.

Because I've edited it down it seems to have lost any emotion or anything interesting about it... I've ended up with a run of the plot, but I get carried away (as you might have guessed with the first one being 7000 words long.)

I know It's long, but I really, really, REALLY need your help

So, I need help with getting the word count between 500-900 words, but at the same time some suggestions on how I could weave in emotion and let the reader know more about the characters?

I'd rather write a novel than a synopsis.

Synopsis for Pride in Battle.
​

[FONT=&quot]Kraegos reluctantly takes on a job with Garret out of town, believing his brother, Bear, is safe. But a group known as the Iron Hands waste no time and move in under a banner of peace.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Bear is goaded into brawling with one of them and kills him. He escapes into a forest. Bear fights nature’s creatures for his right to life and after fending off large wolves, one of the cubs follows him, although any affection is rejected.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Garret changes course to Florin. Their destination is reached and a disorganised band of men handover a large crate containing undisclosed “meat”.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Bear is still in the forest with the wolf he calls, Azazel. Diablos’ attack and Azazel defends them by killing the mutated beast. They encounter a man, Xan, working with an imp called Sebz. Xan befriends Bear, writing notes in his journal promising protection for a lifetime together. Bear reads it while Xan is out looking for food.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Mars, the man in charge of seeking out Bear to avenge the Iron Hands, comes across Xan in the forest who uses magic to fight his friend’s attacker. Mars puts Bear behind him as he plans to capture Xan.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Garrett admits his time is over as Guelder’s leader and wants Kraegos to take over. Kraegos stalls by questioning Garret further about their cargo. Garrett refuses to answer. Kraegos forces the crate open with Edwin, finding Vaakku slaves.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Garrett is confronted for his part in this moral crime and divulges that his family were threatened. Kraegos struggles to accept the unfolding events with the worship and love of a father-figure slowly moving to distrust and hurt.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]On returning to Guelder, Kraegos is told of Bear’s struggles and immediately vows to kill every Iron Hand. Edwin receives a parchment from the Liberatos church which Kraegos agrees to deliver to Basilica to help aid Guelder and to see if they have information on Bear. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Deep into the forest, Azazel is put to sleep by a small child with poison. Bear is introduced to the leader of a hidden village and both he and his wolf are encouraged to stay, divulging stories his troubles.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Kraegos enters Florin without his prized sword so he won’t be recognised. Presenting himself as a bounty hunter, he stays overnight. As everyone sleeps, he escapes, attacking the Iron Hands. He discovers some Vaakku. Bilfre, the inn keeper, helps with inspired townsfolk. Arto, a Vaakku, is taken by Kraegos to the forest where a friendship is struck. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Bear feels at home in the village but someone is seen spying on the village. Voicing it may be Xan, Bear is instructed to leave.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Arto takes Kraegos to his homeland. Arto’s father disowns him for bringing a human to their lands and they travel to Basilica instead.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Azazel disturbs an intruder who they give chase to, however Bear is confronted by group of men; Liberatos who’re trained to kill Diablos. Bear is welcomed to travel with them and enticed by the roll of Warden.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Xan sets up home where he observes Bear from distance, all the while investigating Diablos. Bear trains and learns for weeks as he takes on the role of Warden. Bear is ordered to the south to help start a new campaign against the Iron Hands. Kompany is to lead with Ligarius. Before that, a cry for help is received from the town of Drolin.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Mars is camped out near Basilica in search of Xan.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]A boy appeals to Kraegos for help nearby from Drolin and he battles for their safety. Attacking what he thinks a Diablos, Kraegos goes into battle with Bear by mistake, but it soon turns into an embrace. The brothers have conflicting interests, but travel to Basilica together. After they arrive in Basilica, Helveticus, their leader, takes a liking to Arto. A sparring session between brothers gets out of hand. Xan watches and misunderstands. Using magic, he races to Bear’s aid.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Xan attacks the walls of Basilica and Mars’s Iron Hands use the opportunity to launch their own attack.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Bear tries to talk Xan down as Kraegos fights the Iron Hands. Xan is stunned by an arrow and carried away while Bear picks up Xan’s journal. Arto appears to be missing. Kompany divulges that Helveticus is missing too, but is later found injured.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Having to wait until they can go to Guelder again, Kraegos hopes Arto can remain strong. Using information from Xan’s journal, they decide to learn more about the Diablos.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Kraegos and Bear find the Diablos’ lair and find light and hear voices deep within. They find torture-tables and animal parts. Kraegos sees two figures talking by a liquid-filled tube. From inside the tube, a light emanates from a dead baby Vaakku. They hear another voice crying and discover Arto.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]With Helveticus’s project uncovered (the creator of Diablos), he and his servant try and fight their way out. Helveticus escapes down a pit while the servant is captured and flung into the streets above where Kompany is witness to his confession.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Mars, having captured Xan, enters Basrul where the circus is in town. The ringmaster finds out their secret through the use of a talking snake, agreeing with Xan that if he is freed, he will join them. Mars is invited to participate in their show. It is staged that he kills the ringmaster’s son. They demand a life in his place. All Iron Hands escape the big tent leaving mars alone. Xan appears dead as the Iron Hands leave, so they trade the body for Mars’s life. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Xan and the ringmaster’s son wake from their drug induced comas as the circus move away from town.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Bear, Kraegos and Arto head to Florin before Guelder for backup. The enemy has Florin under watch, but Arto suggests a plan of distraction. Arto melts the Iron Hands’ faces and unleashes unrivalled power.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Kraegos leads men to attack Guelder and reclaim his home; infiltrating from behind whilst Bear attacks from the front. Overconfident, Kraegos is stabbed and falls. Once out of battle, Arto is charged with Kraegos’s. As night looms, it becomes hard for Bear to stay awake, but this is a problem for all townsfolk. Unable to stay awake any longer, the town descends into forced slumber.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Upon waking, Kraegos finds himself surrounded by Vaakku, tied up and gagged alongside Arto. Travelling for weeks, they arrive at Vaakku homelands by the order of Arto’s father. Arto and his father join forces in a revitalised bid to rid the world of Iron Hands.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Ligarius and his Wardens are trapped by Iron Hands on their way to Guelder. Bear comes to help them, all the while morbid after his brother’s disappearance. One prisoner is taken and then tortured for information. He confesses to a secret harbour that they can use to counter the enemy. Bear scouts the secret harbour with Azazel to guide him.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Kraegos is granted power by the Vaakku and he returns to Guelder with an army of Vaakku focused on the destruction of the Iron Hands. With the brothers re-united once again, everyone starts plotting against their common enemy.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]A letter received tells of the Iron Hands disturbing the north. Kompany explains attacking Callendine will be the last effort to stop them. Kompany and Kraegos plan to attack at the same time on the morning of the new moon.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Kraegos and Ligarius lead the men as they prepare to go north. The next morning would carry the new moon where the two-pronged attack would begin. Kraegos and Bear enter the secret harbour of King’s Port.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Whilst Kraegos attacks the port, Kompany tests the Iron Hands’ resolve in a head-on assault. But the attack is discontinued until signs of Ligarius are seen. Dawn passes as Kraegos and the men board the boats and set to sea. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Kompany’s men are confronted as Iron Hands gather. Kraegos’s ships crash into the docks and the Vaakku remain onboard whilst the men fight for freedom. With the Liberatos fighting on foot, Mars and a group of Iron Hands assault the vulnerable Vaakku.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Arto enters a trance state and unleashes raw power. Dark and archaic in nature, Arto’s magic summons a rogue god. Kraegos uses his new magic ability to try and stop it.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Bear chases Mars, but decides to help him when Mars is attacked by his own men. Fending off the guards together, Mars is injured. About to die and grateful for Bear’s help, Mars cannot help but ruin the Iron Hands. Mars tells them if they are to cripple the Iron Hands they must take out their true leader, Khan, who is a Vaakku. Nearby, Arto confirms Khan is indeed a reality, but vanished decades ago. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Kraegos vows to kill Khan, knowing Drekka will never be truly safe.[/FONT]

 

[Warren_Paul]

Hey Christian. At first glance it looks like every step of the plot is included? If so, that's probably not what they are after. The synopsis is the absolute major plot developments of the story. It can be pretty tricky to tell the difference though, I know.

I'll make further comments as I read through it - as you know; it's big.

 

[Colbey Frost]

Hey Christian. At first glance it looks like every step of the plot is included? If so, that's probably not what they are after. The synopsis is the absolute major plot developments of the story. It can be pretty tricky to tell the difference though, I know.

I'll make further comments as I read through it - as you know; it's big.

Thank you.

And you have hit the nail on the head with "The synopsis is the absolute major plot developments of the story. It can be pretty tricky to tell the difference though." It's all important in my eyes and without it, the rest doesn't make sense... But I understand what you mean.

This is why I need help

 

[Hex]

Hiya Christian -- just briefly, it reads like there are (at least) three plots going on. Whose is the main story? Is it Bear? What would happen if you just told his?

 

[Warren_Paul]

I'm looking at Garret, and see that he is only in the first half of the synopsis. I wonder if all mention of him and his story can be safely dropped? I think it would be fine just talking about Kraegos, with no mention of Garret.

EDIT:

Kraegos reluctantly takes on a job with Garret out of town, believing his brother, Bear, is safe.

Garret changes course to Florin. Their destination is reached and a disorganised band of men handover a large crate containing undisclosed “meat”.

Garrett admits his time is over as Guelder’s leader and wants Kraegos to take over. Kraegos stalls by questioning Garret further about their cargo. Garrett refuses to answer. Kraegos forces the crate open with Edwin, finding Vaakku slaves.

Garrett is confronted for his part in this moral crime and divulges that his family were threatened. Kraegos struggles to accept the unfolding events with the worship and love of a father-figure slowly moving to distrust and hurt.

This sounds like a minor plot arc to me, and I suspect it can be safely dropped. You also mention a character called Edwin, but don't tell us anything about him - you don't want that in the synopsis. If he isn't anywhere else in the plot, drop all mention of him.

I suspect you can word it without mention of Edwin in this paragraph too:

On returning to Guelder, Kraegos is told of Bear’s struggles and immediately vows to kill every Iron Hand. Edwin receives a parchment from the Liberatos church which Kraegos agrees to deliver to Basilica to help aid Guelder and to see if they have information on Bear.

As Hex is suggesting, the thing to look at is what characters you can do away with mentioning in the synopsis and the story still make sense. Concentrate on the main protagonist(s).

 

[Bowler1]

Thoughts/ideas.

Put each characters bits together, all Bear bits and so on together so its clear what he does, then see how this reads.

Is there an over arching storyline? If so this needs to be clearer, I suspect beating up the Iron Hands is the general idea.

Maybe stateing general themes of the book would help – good/evil – magic?


I can see your problem (and it’s a big one!), you have a very detailed plot and storyline with a number of characters off doing their own thing which will be very hard to trim down to a synopsis. Where it is now, I think is still too detailed, which I think needs to be more business like. You have not given an agent who will read this any idea of where you think the book belongs, is this adult or not, length of book is not mentioned. You are not selling yourself well, which to some extend you have to do.

I don’t want to confuse you too much, but I heard back directly from two agents that my last work synopsis was good. I’m happy to share that with you if you like?

 

[The Judge]

You have not given an agent who will read this any idea of where you think the book belongs, is this adult or not, length of book is not mentioned.

But those things don't belong in a synopsis, they are for the separate covering letter or, at most, as part of the heading eg "Loaves and Fishes [new line] YA fantasy, 60,000 words".

Christian, I concur with the others that this is far too long for a standard synopsis, but it might help if you approached it from the other direction -- instead of cutting down from 1500 words, write out one line of what the book is actually about, and then expand on that.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Hi Christian, don't wince too badly, this is a 300 word version. (I did get a bit lost towards the end of yours, so apologies if I didn't quite capture it.) I think you have too much plot above, we really only need to know who they are, what they want to achieve and what they need to overcome to achieve it. This gives you loads of room to put the flavour back in, but it is very, very rough and might be miles away from what you want.


When Bear’s brother, Kraegos, and the town’s leader leave him in their town of Guelder he has no knowledge of how much his life is about to change.

Seizing their opportunity a group of Iron hand raiders attack the village and goad Bear into fighting them. When he kills one, Bear is forced into the forest, and must rely on his wits and affinity with the forest creatures to survive.

Faced with the horror of an attack from a Diablos, the horrific, terrifying creatures threatening the land, a wolf cub he has befriended, Azazel fights it off, killing it.

Relentlessly pursued by Mars, leader of the Iron hands, Bear befriends Xan, a magician, who pledges to protect him, and watch over him.

Bear joins the Liberatos, a group determined to overcome the Diablos, and when they responds to a cry for help they go to the town of Dorin, where Bear duels with a man, not recognising him as Kraegos.

When the brothers recognise each other they embrace, and travel to Basilica, where they use information gathered by Xan to discover the lair of the Diablos and destroy it.*

They travel back to Guelder to liberate the village, but their attempt fails and Kraegos is taken prisoner by the Vaakku, who give him the powers he needs to rejoin Bear and fight against the Iron hands, their common enemy.

Betrayed by his own men, Mars gives Bear the information he needs to defeat the Iron Hands before dying.

He must find the true leader of the Iron Men, a Vakuu called Khan, in order to defeat them. Kraegos vows to find Khan in order to bring safety to the realm, united with Bear in their resolve to do so.

*I assumed they did, I might be wrong.

 

[Bowler1]

Sorry a bad line from me there, my synopsis had no mention of word count, I should have checked.

I apoligise for any possible confusion I my have caused.

 

[Toby Frost]

You seem to have a lot of things happening, but the connections between them aren't really explained. Why do the band of men give Garret meat? Are the Iron Hands a sect, a political party, an invading army? Also some of the names come out of nowhere: I assume Florin is a town, but I'm not sure what Drekka is (a country, I thought). A shorter summary will probably get rid of a lot of these problems, since it may not be necessary to mention them any more. Awkward as it sounds, I think the synopsis needs to be shorter but to include more of an idea of the overall story of each main character.

 

[Peter Graham]

Hi Christian,

We've had a few threads like this over the years. I seem to recall doing a synopsis for Jaws once by way of an example, but I've no idea where that went.

Your synopsis is far, far, far too long. It's also not a synopsis so much as a chapter-by-chapter summary of the action. It's also confusing - the first paragraph makes little sense.

The synopsis answers the following questions:-

1. Whose story is it?

2. What do they want?

3. What stands in the way?

4. How do they overcome (assuming that they do)?

Luke works on his guardians' farm on Tatooine, but dreams of being a rebel pilot and fighting the evil Empire. By chance, he comes across a holographic message from Princess Leia intended for Ben Kenobi, one of the last of the now scattered order of Jedi knights. After Imperial stormtoopers tracking the message kill his guardians, Luke and Ben take up with a pirate, Han Solo, who gets them away from Tatooine.

The three travel to Alderaan in the hope of meeting up Leia. However, Alderaan has been destroyed by the Empire's Death Star, an enormous space station with which the Empire proposes to crush the rebellion.

Luke and his friends resolve to save the Princess from the Death Star. They succeed, but Ben is struck down by his arch nemesis, Darth Vader. Luke and Han are tracked to the hidden rebel base where Leia, who also has the blueprints for the Death Star, coordinates a rebel attack on the one weak point identified. With the help of Ben Kenobi's spiritual guidance, Luke succeeds in destroying the Death Star. The rebellion is saved - at least for now.

OK - it's not brilliant by any means, but it only took me the time it took to actually type the words. The actual synopsis might be a bit longer and would cover some of the other themes - notably the Leia/Luke/Solo relationship and the stuff about Luke's father - but it is basically a short, factual summary of what the book is about.

You then prepare a covering letter, which sets out your pitch and talks briefly about length and genre (if you have written specifically for one), together with your plans, aspirations and experience of writing.

Simples.

Peter

 

[Warren_Paul]

Okay, I've studied the synopsis, and done like Springs and made an example of how it could be shortened. I've not done the whole synopsis, mainly because there are quite a few plot holes where I don't have a clue what the relevance of some things are and it was starting to get very time consuming figuring it all out.


I've turned this:

Synopsis for Pride in Battle.
​

[FONT=&quot]Kraegos reluctantly takes on a job with Garret out of town, believing his brother, Bear, is safe. But a group known as the Iron Hands waste no time and move in under a banner of peace.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Bear is goaded into brawling with one of them and kills him. He escapes into a forest. Bear fights nature’s creatures for his right to life and after fending off large wolves, one of the cubs follows him, although any affection is rejected.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Garret changes course to Florin. Their destination is reached and a disorganised band of men handover a large crate containing undisclosed “meat”.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Bear is still in the forest with the wolf he calls, Azazel. Diablos’ attack and Azazel defends them by killing the mutated beast. They encounter a man, Xan, working with an imp called Sebz. Xan befriends Bear, writing notes in his journal promising protection for a lifetime together. Bear reads it while Xan is out looking for food.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Mars, the man in charge of seeking out Bear to avenge the Iron Hands, comes across Xan in the forest who uses magic to fight his friend’s attacker. Mars puts Bear behind him as he plans to capture Xan.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Garrett admits his time is over as Guelder’s leader and wants Kraegos to take over. Kraegos stalls by questioning Garret further about their cargo. Garrett refuses to answer. Kraegos forces the crate open with Edwin, finding Vaakku slaves.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Garrett is confronted for his part in this moral crime and divulges that his family were threatened. Kraegos struggles to accept the unfolding events with the worship and love of a father-figure slowly moving to distrust and hurt.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]On returning to Guelder, Kraegos is told of Bear’s struggles and immediately vows to kill every Iron Hand. Edwin receives a parchment from the Liberatos church which Kraegos agrees to deliver to Basilica to help aid Guelder and to see if they have information on Bear. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Deep into the forest, Azazel is put to sleep by a small child with poison. Bear is introduced to the leader of a hidden village and both he and his wolf are encouraged to stay, divulging stories his troubles.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Kraegos enters Florin without his prized sword so he won’t be recognised. Presenting himself as a bounty hunter, he stays overnight. As everyone sleeps, he escapes, attacking the Iron Hands. He discovers some Vaakku. Bilfre, the inn keeper, helps with inspired townsfolk. Arto, a Vaakku, is taken by Kraegos to the forest where a friendship is struck. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Bear feels at home in the village but someone is seen spying on the village. Voicing it may be Xan, Bear is instructed to leave.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Arto takes Kraegos to his homeland. Arto’s father disowns him for bringing a human to their lands and they travel to Basilica instead.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Azazel disturbs an intruder who they give chase to, however Bear is confronted by group of men; Liberatos who’re trained to kill Diablos. Bear is welcomed to travel with them and enticed by the roll of Warden.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Xan sets up home where he observes Bear from distance, all the while investigating Diablos. Bear trains and learns for weeks as he takes on the role of Warden. Bear is ordered to the south to help start a new campaign against the Iron Hands. Kompany is to lead with Ligarius. Before that, a cry for help is received from the town of Drolin.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Mars is camped out near Basilica in search of Xan.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]A boy appeals to Kraegos for help nearby from Drolin and he battles for their safety. Attacking what he thinks a Diablos, Kraegos goes into battle with Bear by mistake, but it soon turns into an embrace. The brothers have conflicting interests, but travel to Basilica together. After they arrive in Basilica, Helveticus, their leader, takes a liking to Arto. A sparring session between brothers gets out of hand. Xan watches and misunderstands. Using magic, he races to Bear’s aid.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Xan attacks the walls of Basilica and Mars’s Iron Hands use the opportunity to launch their own attack.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Bear tries to talk Xan down as Kraegos fights the Iron Hands. Xan is stunned by an arrow and carried away while Bear picks up Xan’s journal. Arto appears to be missing. Kompany divulges that Helveticus is missing too, but is later found injured.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Having to wait until they can go to Guelder again, Kraegos hopes Arto can remain strong. Using information from Xan’s journal, they decide to learn more about the Diablos.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Kraegos and Bear find the Diablos’ lair and find light and hear voices deep within. They find torture-tables and animal parts. Kraegos sees two figures talking by a liquid-filled tube. From inside the tube, a light emanates from a dead baby Vaakku. They hear another voice crying and discover Arto.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]With Helveticus’s project uncovered (the creator of Diablos), he and his servant try and fight their way out. Helveticus escapes down a pit while the servant is captured and flung into the streets above where Kompany is witness to his confession.[/FONT]

Into this:

When Bear is starts a fight with a member of the mercenary group known as the Iron Hands he draws the attention of their leader, Mars, and is forced to flee his home. He finds sanctuary in the nearby forest, and befriends Xan - a man who studies creatures known as Diablos. While travelling together through the forest they are discovered by a group of men known as Liberatos. Welcomed into their ranks as a Warden, Bear joins them in a campaign against the Iron Hands, while Xan follows from afar and observes Bear’s actions.

Upon returning home from his travels, Kraegos learns of Bear’s struggles, and vows to find his brother and seek revenge upon the Iron Hands. He undertakes a mission to aid the Liberatos church and travels towards Basilica in the hopes that he might learn of Bear’s whereabouts.

During his travels, Kraegos is drawn into a battle for the town of Drolin, only to discover Bear fighting alongside who he thought to be the attackers. When their reunion brings the battle to an end, the brothers, and Xan, decide to travel to Basilica together, and meet with the city leader, Helveticus.

During their stay in Basilica, the city is attacked by the Iron Hands and Xan is grievously injured. During his recovery, the brothers read Xan’s journal which contains his research into Diablos, and decide to seek out the creatures’ lair. As they venture deep within the lair they soon discover that the Diablos were created by Helveticus.

That's 248 words compared to 837...

I don't think you need to mention Arto, or Azazel. Especially not Sebz. I also start to wonder what the Diablos have to do with the overall plot? Should they even be mentioned? It's not explained in the synopsis; we don't know why Helveticus's little project is "bad". If they have no influence on the overall plot, then we can probably do away with Xan in the synopsis as well. It sounds like the main characters are: Kraegos, Bear and Mars.

The plot holes have forced me to make some assumptions about characters and what groups are, mercenary etc. You don't actually tell us what the positions/duties of any character - except for Helveticus - is.

On another note, why do the Iron Hands turn against Mars? Sounds like an important thing that should be mentioned.

 

[Colbey Frost]

Hiya Christian -- just briefly, it reads like there are (at least) three plots going on. Whose is the main story? Is it Bear? What would happen if you just told his?

There are a fair few things going on and that is why I've found it hard to fit it all in. The main story is shared by Kraegos and Bear, but I suppose it's more about Bear to begin with. He is in his teens and when I wrote the book I intended Kraegos to be the absolute main character, now that Bear has pushed his way to the front, does this make it YA purely because of him?

Thoughts/ideas.

Put each characters bits together, all Bear bits and so on together so its clear what he does, then see how this reads.

Is there an over arching storyline? If so this needs to be clearer, I suspect beating up the Iron Hands is the general idea.

Maybe stateing general themes of the book would help – good/evil – magic?


I can see your problem (and it’s a big one!), you have a very detailed plot and storyline with a number of characters off doing their own thing which will be very hard to trim down to a synopsis. Where it is now, I think is still too detailed, which I think needs to be more business like. You have not given an agent who will read this any idea of where you think the book belongs, is this adult or not, length of book is not mentioned. You are not selling yourself well, which to some extend you have to do.

I don’t want to confuse you too much, but I heard back directly from two agents that my last work synopsis was good. I’m happy to share that with you if you like?

I think, taking a look at who really is important and seperating Bear's bits from kraegos's will help a lot.

But those things don't belong in a synopsis, they are for the separate covering letter or, at most, as part of the heading eg "Loaves and Fishes [new line] YA fantasy, 60,000 words".

Christian, I concur with the others that this is far too long for a standard synopsis, but it might help if you approached it from the other direction -- instead of cutting down from 1500 words, write out one line of what the book is actually about, and then expand on that.

It is long and like I said it was cut down from 7000 words... what am I doing to myself?!

I think I'm going to do what you said and start small, rather than cutting back and taking on what everyone has said and try and put down what is actually important.

Hi Christian, don't wince too badly, this is a 300 word version. (I did get a bit lost towards the end of yours, so apologies if I didn't quite capture it.) I think you have too much plot above, we really only need to know who they are, what they want to achieve and what they need to overcome to achieve it. This gives you loads of room to put the flavour back in, but it is very, very rough and might be miles away from what you want.


When Bear’s brother, Kraegos, and the town’s leader leave him in their town of Guelder he has no knowledge of how much his life is about to change.

Seizing their opportunity a group of Iron hand raiders attack the village and goad Bear into fighting them. When he kills one, Bear is forced into the forest, and must rely on his wits and affinity with the forest creatures to survive.

Faced with the horror of an attack from a Diablos, the horrific, terrifying creatures threatening the land, a wolf cub he has befriended, Azazel fights it off, killing it.

Relentlessly pursued by Mars, leader of the Iron hands, Bear befriends Xan, a magician, who pledges to protect him, and watch over him.

Bear joins the Liberatos, a group determined to overcome the Diablos, and when they responds to a cry for help they go to the town of Dorin, where Bear duels with a man, not recognising him as Kraegos.

When the brothers recognise each other they embrace, and travel to Basilica, where they use information gathered by Xan to discover the lair of the Diablos and destroy it.*

They travel back to Guelder to liberate the village, but their attempt fails and Kraegos is taken prisoner by the Vaakku, who give him the powers he needs to rejoin Bear and fight against the Iron hands, their common enemy.

Betrayed by his own men, Mars gives Bear the information he needs to defeat the Iron Hands before dying.

He must find the true leader of the Iron Men, a Vakuu called Khan, in order to defeat them. Kraegos vows to find Khan in order to bring safety to the realm, united with Bear in their resolve to do so.

*I assumed they did, I might be wrong.

This is already much better than mine Springs. And I hate you for it... nah, you seem to get what is important out of it and can seperate it whilst actually adding more about things the reader will want to see more of. Thank you

You seem to have a lot of things happening, but the connections between them aren't really explained. Why do the band of men give Garret meat? Are the Iron Hands a sect, a political party, an invading army? Also some of the names come out of nowhere: I assume Florin is a town, but I'm not sure what Drekka is (a country, I thought). A shorter summary will probably get rid of a lot of these problems, since it may not be necessary to mention them any more. Awkward as it sounds, I think the synopsis needs to be shorter but to include more of an idea of the overall story of each main character.

There were explanations, but because I thought I had to fit it all in, all the important stuff (EVERYTHING at that point) things like connections and explanations got deleted. But only focusing on certain issues will let me leave things for the book to explain without having to go over it in the synopsis like I haven't, because like you say if it's not there, you don't have to explain?

Hi Christian,

We've had a few threads like this over the years. I seem to recall doing a synopsis for Jaws once by way of an example, but I've no idea where that went.

Your synopsis is far, far, far too long. It's also not a synopsis so much as a chapter-by-chapter summary of the action. It's also confusing - the first paragraph makes little sense.

The synopsis answers the following questions:-

1. Whose story is it?

2. What do they want?

3. What stands in the way?

4. How do they overcome (assuming that they do)?

Luke works on his guardians' farm on Tatooine, but dreams of being a rebel pilot and fighting the evil Empire. By chance, he comes across a holographic message from Princess Leia intended for Ben Kenobi, one of the last of the now scattered order of Jedi knights. After Imperial stormtoopers tracking the message kill his guardians, Luke and Ben take up with a pirate, Han Solo, who gets them away from Tatooine.

The three travel to Alderaan in the hope of meeting up Leia. However, Alderaan has been destroyed by the Empire's Death Star, an enormous space station with which the Empire proposes to crush the rebellion.

Luke and his friends resolve to save the Princess from the Death Star. They succeed, but Ben is struck down by his arch nemesis, Darth Vader. Luke and Han are tracked to the hidden rebel base where Leia, who also has the blueprints for the Death Star, coordinates a rebel attack on the one weak point identified. With the help of Ben Kenobi's spiritual guidance, Luke succeeds in destroying the Death Star. The rebellion is saved - at least for now.

OK - it's not brilliant by any means, but it only took me the time it took to actually type the words. The actual synopsis might be a bit longer and would cover some of the other themes - notably the Leia/Luke/Solo relationship and the stuff about Luke's father - but it is basically a short, factual summary of what the book is about.

You then prepare a covering letter, which sets out your pitch and talks briefly about length and genre (if you have written specifically for one), together with your plans, aspirations and experience of writing.

Simples.

Peter

It really is simple when you look at it like that, but I can't decide what's important and what's not. I think having a good hard look at the basics like you have suggested and expanding on them will hopefully work out for me and allow me to concentrate on character develpoment and emotion rather than a plot breakdown.

Thank you to everyone who has read this so far and without any doubt and shown kindly the direction I will start another one, because this simply won't cut it.

 

[Colbey Frost]

Sorry for double post, but I've not been able to get this out of my head and after failing so hard have tried to come up with something that follows the advice above. Pleae excuse spelling, typo's etc..

Still need help with cutting it down some, but overall is this what a synopsis should look like??

This one is 800 words long. posting below.

Bear is driven from his home when a group of Iron Hands force him to fight, but he unwittingly kills one. He knows the Iron Hands even when travelling under a banner of peace are not to be crossed. Confused, his sheltered life has given him no idea on how to act. He tries to think like a hero, like his brother, Kraegos. Told all his life by his brother that people must make a stand, to never give up, he heads to the Liberatos castle of Basilica to seek refuge while he waits on Kraegos.

For him to reach Basilica, Bear must travel through forests laden with monstrous creatures and the infamous Diablos that also plague the lands like the Iron Hands, filtering down from the north. Having to survive on his own, Bear loses the innocence Kraegos had tried so hard to protect.

When Bear does reach Basilica he is accepted by their leader, Helveticus. And after escaping an Iron Hand assassin named Mars, Bear leaves the few faces he thought might be friends behind in the forests, and most hauntingly, Xan, a lonely man fixated on trying to make Bear happy.

On his way to find Bear, Kraegos befriends a Vaakku slave called Arto, who unlike the rest of his race, decides to fight back against the Iron Hands instead of working for them, the perfect commodity. After freeing a town from Iron Hand control, but being rejected by the rest if the Vaakku, Kraegos finds Bear as they almost clash in a skirmish against some Diablos...

Constant in his decision to stay with the Liberatos, Bear shrugs off his brother’s commands and looks to build a life for himself. Unable to persuade Kraegos to join him though, Bear leaves him to ponder his own role in life. Without Kraegos, Bear has the Liberatos, but without Bear, Kraegos has nothing.

Still haunted by Xan, Bear is on the end of a misjudged rescue and Xan is captured as the Iron Hands attack Basilica with the aid of his magic. Seemingly the only human able to use magic, Xan is taken and Kraegos fears they may not have seen the last of him.

Together, with the help of a journal Xan dropped, Bear and Kraegos discover the Diablos’ lair. Thinking they’re helping the Liberatos, they accidently discover that the Liberatos Leader is actually in league with Iron Hands. But in a warped bid to create a legion of men to serve him, Helveticus sealed his own fate.

Even though Kraegos’s and Arto’s first attempt to rally the Vaakku failed, the Vaakku after changing their minds sought them out. And after the Liberatos recover from losing their leader, they unite under their second in command, Kompany. With the Liberatos seemingly weakened, Kompany decides to send men south in order to build a new army as he defends the north against the opportunistic Iron Hands as they see weakness after Helveticus’s fall.

Teaching to Vaakku to fight back, Kraegos trains them alongside Bear and the Liberatos. Both factions brought together by the bond of brotherhood seek to rid Drekka of Iron Hands. But if they don’t act soon then Kompany and the north will be lost under the tide of the enemy.

Seeing Bear and the Liberatos act as one leaves Kraegos feeling left out. Unable to get Bear to leave the Liberatos and join him in a bid to get things back to how they were, Kraegos is again swept up in the events and joins the Liberatos instead. Used by the Liberatos to lead men, Kraegos finds himself championing a cause on behalf of Bear.

Travelling north after discovering a secret Iron Hand harbour, they use the enemies’ own ships against them as they strike from behind and Kompany strikes from the front. The battle goes as planned until Mars leads an attack which almost wipes out the Vaakku. Arto, enraged, summons a god and Kraegos is forced to use untrained powers granted him by the Vaakku.

Without fear, Bear leaps into battle thinking himself on par with Kraegos. Growing up, Kraegos had told him of battles and bravery, but now it was him smiting their enemies, it was him defending his lands. Still headstrong, but with a strong heart, Bear tries to keep up.

With the Iron Hands defeated, but their leader escaping, Bear is faced by Mars, but rather than kill Bear, Mars fights his own kind, aggrieved to be left behind. Injured in battle, Mars tells them that to truly defeat the Iron hands, they must kill their leader, Khan, but they must tread carefully as he is actually a Vaakku himself, but a Vaakku in touch with his darker, god summoning powers.

Bear kills Mars even after he supplied the Information in a hot-headed moment and Kraegos looks on at him as if he were looking on himself. Always in the past things were so black and white, but as his mind raced, he knew it would be people like Bear who inspired freedom, and he would have to try his best to keep up.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Bear is driven from his homeI'd quite like to know the name of the place when a group of Iron Hands force him to fight, but he unwittingly kills one. He knows the Iron Hands even when travelling under a banner of peace are not to be crossed. Confused, his sheltered life has given him no idea on how to act. He tries to think like a hero, like his brother, Kraegos. Told all his life by his brother that people must make a stand, to never give up, he heads to the Liberatos castle of Basilica to seek refuge while he waits on Kraegos.this is better, we sense the relationships and it makes sense of the Liberatos story line.

For him to reach Basilica, Bear must travel through forests laden with monstrous creatures and the infamous Diablos that also plague the lands like the Iron Hands, filtering down from the north. Having to survive on his own, Bear loses the innocence Kraegos had tried so hard to protect.

again, I like it, but I think it could be tighter:

To reach Basilica, Bear must travel throught forests inhabited by the monstrous Diablos. As he fights for survival, Bear loses the innocence Kraegos had tried so hard to protect.

When Bear does reach Basilica he is accepted by theirthe liberatos' leader, Helveticus. Anddelete and? after escaping an Iron Hand assassin named Mars, Bear leaves the few faces he thought might be friends behind in the forests, and most hauntingly, Xan, a lonely man fixated on trying to make Bear happy.

On his way to find Bear, Kraegos befriends a Vaakku slave called Arto, who unlike the rest of his race, decides to fight back against the Iron Hands instead of working for them, the perfect commodity. After freeing a town from Iron Hand control, but being rejected by the rest if the Vaakku, Kraegos finds Bear as they almost clash in a skirmish against some Diablos...

Constant in his decision to stay with the Liberatos, Bear shrugs off his brother’s commands and looks to build a life for himself. Unable to persuade Kraegos to join him thoughI'd delete though, Bear leaves him to ponder his own role in life. Without Kraegos, Bear has the Liberatos, but without Bear, Kraegos has nothing.

Still haunted by Xanwhy is he haunted?, Bear is on the end of a misjudged rescue and Xan is captured as the Iron Hands attack Basilica with the aid of his magic. Seemingly the only human able to use magic, Xan is taken and Kraegos fears they may not have seen the last of him.

Together, with the help of a journal Xan dropped, Bear and Kraegos discover the Diablos’ lair. Thinking they’re helping the Liberatos, they accidently discover that the Liberatos Leader is actually in league with Iron Hands. But in a warped bid to create a legion of men to serve him, Helveticus sealed his own fate. i'm not sure you need the bit in red.

Even though Kraegos’s and Arto’s first attempt to rally the Vaakku failed, the Vaakku after changing their minds sought them out. And after the Liberatos recover from losing their leader, they unite under their second in command, Kompany. With the Liberatos seemingly weakened, Kompany decides to send men south in order to build a new army as he defends the north against the opportunistic Iron Hands as they see weakness after Helveticus’s fall.

Teaching to Vaakku to fight back, Kraegos trains them alongside Bear and the Liberatos. Both factions brought together by the bond of brotherhood seek to rid Drekka of Iron Hands. But if they don’t act soon then Kompany and the north will be lost under the tide of the enemy.

Seeing Bear and the Liberatos act as one leaves Kraegos feeling left out. Unable to get Bear to leave the Liberatos and join him in a bid to get things back to how they were, Kraegos is again swept up in the events and joins the Liberatos instead. Used by the Liberatos to lead men, Kraegos finds himself championing a cause on behalf of Bear.

Travelling north after discovering a secret Iron Hand harbour, they use the enemies’ own ships against them as they strike from behind and Kompany strikes from the front. The battle goes as planned until Mars leads an attack which almost wipes out the Vaakku. Arto, enraged, summons a god and Kraegos is forced to use untrained powers granted him by the Vaakku.

Without fear, Bear leaps into battle thinking himself on par with Kraegos. Growing up, Kraegos had told him of battles and bravery, but now it was him smiting their enemies, it was him defending his lands. Still headstrong, but with a strong heart, Bear tries to keep up.

With the Iron Hands defeated, but their leader escaping, Bear is faced by Mars, but rather than kill Bear, Mars fights his own kind, aggrieved to be left behind. Injured in battle, Mars tells them that to truly defeat the Iron hands, they must kill their leader, Khan, but they must tread carefully as he is actually a Vaakku himself, but a Vaakku in touch with his darker, god summoning powers.

Bear kills Mars even after he supplied the Information in a hot-headed moment and Kraegos looks on at him as if he were looking on himself. Always in the past things were so black and white, but as his mind raced, he knew it would be people like Bear who inspired freedom, and he would have to try his best to keep up.[/QUOTE]
It's much easier to follow, and focusing on Bear has helped, i know who I'm rooting for.

 

[Peter Graham]

Still too many notes, my dear Mozart.

One line in my Star Wars synopsis ran thus:- Luke and Ben take up with a pirate, Han Solo, who gets them away from Tatooine.

This tells us all we need to know. Please don't take this the wrong way, but I think you'd render that line thus:-

"After frightening off a party of scavenging Tuscan raiders, Ben takes Luke to his desert home where he tells him about the Jedi order and about Luke's father, who was betrayed and murdered by a young Jedi named Darth Vader. Luke tells Ben about the holographic message and the two of them decide to leave Tatooine and hook up with the Rebellion. They travel to Mos Eisley star port in Luke's speeder in the company of two droids, R2D2 and C3PO. In Mos Eisley, they meet up with Corellian space pirate Han Solo, captain and master of the Millenium Falcon, an unprepossessing ship which Han operates with his Wookie partner, Chewbacca. Solo has his own reasons for wanting to leave Tatooine - he owes money to Jabba the Hutt, a local bandit warlord, and agrees to help Luke and Ben to escape. As they leave, Imperial stormtroopers try to stop them, but they manage to jump into hyperspace before the pursuit catches up with them."

Like I say, the key is to get down to the muscle of the narrative - in your case, lone hero battling the bad lads. You then build up from there, only including what is utterly crucial to the plot. Don't forget that the synopsis is a taster which gives the reader an idea of what you have written (is it original and exciting and does it dislcose a good story arc) and whether they think they can sell it. If you get past that test, they will look at your sample chapters - and that's the place to dazzle them with your worldbuilding, nuanced subplots, command of imagery and all the rest of it.

Regards,

Peter

 

[Toby Frost]

You're a little closer to condensing this, but there's still a lot of ambiguity. Say an agent or publisher gets your submission. They'll glance at the letter, and see that this is a fantasy novel of X thousand words about (say) the friendship between two brothers in a time of war (or whatever brief summary you give - about a sentence). Then they look at the synopsis.

Bear is driven from his home when a group of Iron Hands force him to fight, but he unwittingly kills one. He knows the Iron Hands even when travelling under a banner of peace are not to be crossed. Confused, his sheltered life has given him no idea on how to act. He tries to think like a hero, like his brother, Kraegos. Told all his life by his brother that people must make a stand, to never give up, he heads to the Liberatos castle of Basilica to seek refuge while he waits on Kraegos.

Who is Bear? You could wonder if he was literally a bear - given his name, if he is not like a viking you ought to be explaining what he is. (Some of the names are quite strange, but that's not really a point for here). No more than a couple of words are needed: "a young carpenter", "a retired policeman" etc. And we still don't know who the Iron Hands are. "A group of Iron Hand bandits" would do the job (or the equivalent). Similarly with any unfamiliar groups, people or places: "the Vaakku, a nomadic tribe" or whatever. Most of the stuff about states of mind can be cut down too. So,

Without fear, Bear leaps into battle thinking himself on par with Kraegos. Growing up, Kraegos had told him of battles and bravery, but now it was him smiting their enemies, it was him defending his lands. Still headstrong, but with a strong heart, Bear tries to keep up.

could be reduced to

Inspired by his brother, and thinking himself Kraegos' equal, Bear rushes into the fight

.

One thing you could stress more, however, is the concept in the end sentence. The fact that the brothers have changed places in Kraegos' mind - in that Bear is now the driving force and Kraegos the follower - is powerful and shows real change in the characters. I wouldn't write much more on this than what you've got, but it might be nice to be clear about this. It will make sequels interesting.

@ Peter: There is a "write a synopsis for Macbeth" thread in Workshop. It might be of interest re your Jaws post.

 

[Colbey Frost]

You're a little closer to condensing this, but there's still a lot of ambiguity. Say an agent or publisher gets your submission. They'll glance at the letter, and see that this is a fantasy novel of X thousand words about (say) the friendship between two brothers in a time of war (or whatever brief summary you give - about a sentence). Then they look at the synopsis.



Who is Bear? You could wonder if he was literally a bear - given his name, if he is not like a viking you ought to be explaining what he is. (Some of the names are quite strange, but that's not really a point for here). No more than a couple of words are needed: "a young carpenter", "a retired policeman" etc. And we still don't know who the Iron Hands are. "A group of Iron Hand bandits" would do the job (or the equivalent). Similarly with any unfamiliar groups, people or places: "the Vaakku, a nomadic tribe" or whatever. Most of the stuff about states of mind can be cut down too. So,



could be reduced to

.

One thing you could stress more, however, is the concept in the end sentence. The fact that the brothers have changed places in Kraegos' mind - in that Bear is now the driving force and Kraegos the follower - is powerful and shows real change in the characters. I wouldn't write much more on this than what you've got, but it might be nice to be clear about this. It will make sequels interesting.

Thank you Toby.

This is the kind of help that really helps, more please

 

[Colbey Frost]

Sorry for double post, but I have another updated version with some suggested change from the above... still long though.

Pride in Battle
Synopsis​

Bear, a young man itching to make people proud, is driven from his home of Guelder when a group of Iron Hands force him to fight. An uncontrolled violence surfaces and he kills one. With the Iron Hand’s relentless pursuit for Vaakku slaves, he knows, even when travelling under a banner of peace, they’re not to be crossed. Told all his life by his brother and guardian, Kraegos, that people must make a stand or be stood on, he decides to run and seek out the Liberatos, a religious fist in the face of evil.

Escaping from the Iron Hands, he heads towards Basilica, the Liberatos’ capital city. But he must travel through forests laden with monstrous creatures and the infamous Diablos, who wander the lands as a mutated figure of hate. Having to survive on his own, Bear loses the innocence Kraegos would have stay with him forever.

When Bear reaches Basilica, he is accepted by their leader, Helveticus, a man not shy to ask questions, but reluctant to give answers. After escaping an Iron Hand assassin named Mars, Bear leaves the few faces he thought might be friends behind, and most hauntingly, Xan, who is possibly the only man in existence who can use magic. Xan’s power and affections a potent mixture Bear could do without.

On his way to find Bear, Kraegos befriends a Vaakku slave called Arto, who unlike the rest of his nomadic race, decides to fight back against the Iron Hands instead of working for them, the perfect commodity. After freeing a town from the Iron Hand’s control, but being rejected by the rest if the Vaakku, Kraegos finds Bear as they fight a common enemy in the form of Diablos.

Constant in his decision to stay with the Liberatos, Bear shrugs off his brother’s commands and looks to build a life for himself. Unable to persuade Kraegos to join him though, Bear leaves him to ponder his own role in life. Without Kraegos, Bear has the Liberatos, but without Bear, Kraegos has nothing.

Still haunted by Xan, Bear is on the end of a misjudged rescue and Xan is captured as the Iron Hands attack Basilica with the aid of his magic. Xan is captured by the Iron Hands though and Kraegos fears they may not have seen the last of him.

Whilst waiting for Helveticus to approve Bear’s departure, with the help of a journal Xan dropped, Bear and Kraegos discover the Diablos’ lair. Thinking they’re helping the Liberatos, they accidently discover that Helveticus is actually in league with Iron Hands. Trying to create man in god’s image, Helveticus is also found to be the creator of the Diablos.

After the Liberatos recover from losing their leader they unite under their second in command, Kompany. With the Liberatos seemingly weakened, Kompany decides to send men south straight away in order to build a new army as he defends the north against the Iron Hands as they perceive the Liberatos to be weak.

Even though Kraegos’s and Arto’s first attempt to rally the Vaakku failed, the Vaakku after changing their minds seek them out and join their cause. Teaching the Vaakku to fight back, Kraegos trains them alongside Bear and the Liberatos. Both factions brought together by the bond of brotherhood. But if they don’t act soon, then Kompany and the north, will be lost under the tide of their enemy.

Seeing Bear and the Liberatos act as one leaves Kraegos feeling left out. Unable to get Bear to leave the Liberatos and join him in a bid to get things back to how they were, Kraegos is swept up in the events and joins the Liberatos instead.

They use the enemies’ ships against them as they strike from behind and Kompany strikes from the front. The battle goes as planned until Mars leads an attack which almost wipes out the Vaakku. Arto, enraged, summons a god and Kraegos is forced to use untrained powers granted him by the Vaakku.

Without fear, Bear leaps into battle thinking himself on par with Kraegos. Still headstrong, but with a strong heart, Bear tries to keep up.

With the Iron Hands defeated, but their leader escaping, Bear is faced by Mars, but rather than kill Bear, Mars fights his own men, aggrieved to be left behind. Injured in battle, Mars tells them that to defeat the Iron hands, they must kill their true leader, Khan, but they must tread carefully as he is actually a Vaakku himself, but a Vaakku in touch with his darker, more archaic, powers.

Bear kills Mars in a hot-headed moment and Kraegos looks on at him as if he were looking upon himself. In the past, Bear had been the follower and Kraegos the leader, but neither knew if this was what they wanted, or even if they had a choice. Things used to be so black and white, but as his mind raced, he knew it would be people like Bear who inspired freedom, and Kraegos would have to try his best to keep up.

 

[Bowler1]

Much better for me anyway, I got a good idea of the story and Bear growing into his role and I liked the idea of him passing his brother as he matures. A lot clearer and easier to understand.