Bear, a young man itching to make people proud, is driven from his home of Guelder when a group of Iron Hands force him to fight. An uncontrolled violence surfaces -"An uncontrolled violence surfaces" sounds a bit florid to me. I'd write it a bit more simple, something like: Bear gets into fight with one of the Iron Hands and kills him- and he kills one. With the Iron Hand’s relentless pursuit for Vaakku slaves, he knows, even when travelling under a banner of peace, they’re not to be crossed. Told all his life by his brother and guardian, Kraegos, that people must make a stand or be stood on, he decides to run and seek out the Liberatos, a religious fist in the face of evil.
-I'm wondering if we are hearing too much of what he thinks? Do we need to know the in red? Could possibly change the end of the paragraph to: he decides to run and seek out the Liberatos, a religious group determined to oppose the Iron Hands. And then drop the red altogether?-
Escaping from the Iron Hands, he heads towards Basilica, the Liberatos’ capital city. But he must travel through forests laden with monstrous creatures and the infamous Diablos, who wander the lands as a mutated figure of hate. Having to survive on his own, Bear loses the innocence Kraegos would have stay with him forever.
-I can see the point of showing his innocence, but I don't think the red is needed in a synopsis-
When Bear reaches Basilica, he is accepted by their leader, Helveticus, a man not shy to ask questions, but reluctant to give answers. After escaping an Iron Hand assassin named Mars, Bear leaves the few faces he thought might be friends behind, and most hauntingly, Xan, who is possibly the only man in existence who can use magic. Xan’s power and affections a potent mixture Bear could do without.
-The above paragraph is something I'm a bit guilty of; making it sound flashy. The red sounds too elaborate, to the point that some of it isn't really that understandable - especially the last bit. I'm leaning towards suggesting the last sentence might not be needed either - same with the first bit about Helveticus too-
On his way to find Bear, Kraegos befriends a Vaakku slave called Arto, who unlike the rest of his nomadic race, decides to fight back against the Iron Hands instead of working for them, the perfect commodity. After freeing a town from the Iron Hand’s control, but being rejected by the rest if the Vaakku, Kraegos finds Bear as they fight a common enemy in the form of Diablos.
-I'd suggest making the bit in red a bit more straight forward: Kraegos helps Arto liberate a Vaakku town, and tries to rally the town against the Iron Hands, but they refuse to join them. Kraegos finds Bear-
Constant in his decision to stay with the Liberatos, Bear shrugs off his brother’s commands and looks to build a life for himself.
-As has been mentioned - and this is something I've been guilty of as well - but I'd move Bear to the beginning of the sentence (and do the same with all the other paragraphs, there are a lot of them) something like this: Bear shrugs off his brother's commands and looks to build a life for himself with the Liberatos-
Unable to persuade Kraegos to join him though, Bear leaves him to ponder his own role in life. Without Kraegos, Bear has the Liberatos, but without Bear, Kraegos has nothing.
Still haunted by Xan, Bear is on the end of a misjudged rescue and Xan is captured as the Iron Hands attack Basilica with the aid of his magic. Xan is captured by the Iron Hands though and Kraegos fears they may not have seen the last of him.
-Only understand the red because I've read the previous versions. I'd suggest writing it a bit clearer as to what's actually wrong-
Whilst waiting for Helveticus to approve Bear’s departure, with the help of a journal Xan dropped, Bear and Kraegos discover the Diablos’ lair. Thinking they’re helping the Liberatos, they accidently discover that Helveticus is actually in league with Iron Hands. Trying to create man in god’s image, Helveticus is also found to be the creator of the Diablos.
-Last sentence is passively written as well, and a bit too flowery. Could possibly do something much simpler, like: Inside the lair they discover Helveticus is in league with the Iron Hands, and is responsible for the creation of the Diablos-
After the Liberatos recover from losing their leader they unite under their second in command, Kompany. With the Liberatos seemingly weakened, Kompany decides to send men south straight away in order to build a new army as he defends the north against the Iron Hands as they perceive the Liberatos to be weak.
Even though Kraegos’s and Arto’s first attempt to rally the Vaakku failed, the Vaakku after changing their minds seek them out and join their cause.
-The red above doesn't flow right to me, and the sentence could be tightened considerably: The Vaakku change their mind, and decide to seek out Kraegos and Arto-
Teaching the Vaakku to fight back, Kraegos trains them alongside Bear and the Liberatos.
-Kraegos trains the Vaakku and Bear to fight-
-I'd suggest dropping mention of the Liberatos from the above sentence, regardless if they know how to fight or not - I think many would have assumed they could before now-
Both factions brought together by the bond of brotherhood. But if they don’t act soon, then Kompany and the north, will be lost under the tide of their enemy.
Seeing Bear and the Liberatos act as one leaves Kraegos feeling left out. Unable to get Bear to leave the Liberatos and join him in a bid to get things back to how they were, Kraegos is swept up in the events and joins the Liberatos instead.
-I'm not entirely convinced the above in blue is needed-
They use the enemies’ ships against them as and? they strike from behind and while? Kompany strikes from the front. The battle goes as planned until Mars leads an attack which almost wipes out the Vaakku. Arto, enraged, summons a god and Kraegos is forced to use untrained powers granted him by the Vaakku.
-The first bit of red above feels unfinished, you tell us Arto summons a god, but then don't say what happens to the God. If it's critical to the outcome of the battle, then tell us, otherwise I'd sugest dropping mention of it-
Without fear, Bear leaps into battle thinking himself on par with Kraegos. Still headstrong, but with a strong heart, Bear tries to keep up.
With the Iron Hands defeated, but their leader escaping, Bear is faced by Mars, but rather than kill Bear, Mars fights his own men, aggrieved to be left behind. Injured in battle, Mars tells them that to defeat the Iron hands, they must kill their true leader, Khan, but they must tread carefully as he is actually a Vaakku himself, but a Vaakku in touch with his darker, more archaic, powers.
Bear kills Mars in a hot-headed moment and Kraegos looks on at him as if he were looking upon himself. In the past, Bear had been the follower and Kraegos the leader, but neither knew if this was what they wanted, or even if they had a choice. Things used to be so black and white, but as his mind raced, he knew it would be people like Bear who inspired freedom, and Kraegos would have to try his best to keep up.
-There is some unnecessary bits in the above two paragraphs, and it could be tightened considerably - it could also be made more active Voice. Perhaps an example to get the idea:
Bear confronts Mars, only to discover Mars has turned on his own men. Mars is injured in battle, he reveals to Bear that the true leader of the Iron Hands is a man called Khan. Bear refuses to believe Mars has joined their side, and kills him in cold-blood.
Is there a relevance to mentioning the injury? Is he going to die, regardless of Bear's impulsive action? If he isn't going to die then I'd suggest not mentioning it at all.
I understand your interest in getting across how the brothers see each other, but that's probably more than what they want in the synopsis. I'd also suggest mentioning something about their plans to go after Khan - I'm assuming they do?-
