I skipped the other critiques so my own wouldn't be flavored, so please excuse me if I re-tread covered ground. Mostly I notice little things that kind of just buzz at me, not real big-picture stuff, which makes me seem real annoying, but I have found in my writing that it's the little thing that make or break. If small details don't pull together, it might make the reader lose confidence in the big things. On that note, please know that I like where this story is going, it just needs a few kinks hammered out.
1. The rising on the rope: wouldn't an interplanetary exploratory expedition be extremely well-funded? Doesn't he have a harness or something instead of just hanging on to a rope by hand? Would anyone bring a braided hemp rope into space? Why does the winch take a few moments to slowly start after he gave the order?
2. He switches from English measurement (feet) to Metric (meters). This might be part of his character, such as if he's American military, but I think it might work better the other. He could think tactically in metric, but when he really needs to describe something he switches his syntax back to English, which he actually thinks in.
3. Jackrabbit does not have a threatening connotation. It's right there with wallaby. I'd omit that comparison altogether. 'Loped' is a good word, 'charged', 'tore', 'raged', 'bounded'. Engage my other senses when this creature shows up. This is the point my adrenaline should start pumping. Tell me what sound it makes, if it smells weird, if this bounding 13-foot-at-the-shoulder creature tears up plants and dirt as it runs, if hot saliva gets flung off its mouthful of fangs.
4. If the beam of this weapon takes three seconds to do work, I wouldn't say he fired it. Activated it, maybe. The weapon could use some work. I don't think anyone anywhere would bring something like that to place with animals. It might make sense if they didn't expect to encounter hostile wildlife, as in his 'pistol' could be a re-purposed welding, drilling, or surgical laser.
5. At first I got the impression that Don was being lifted straight up a shear cliff or something, but paragraph two give me the idea that he's just being dragged up a steep hill. Whichever is the case, that needs to get cleared up. And a military guy wouldn't just let himself get dragged, he'd tie the rope off on his waist and walk his way up the hill, or any cliff less than ninety degrees.
6. If the winch is hooked to a ship, why don't they take off and carry him up and away from the threat? I realize this is just an excerpt, so I may be missing context.
7. Don, while being in enough contact with whoever's at the top to give the order to start the winch, has no other contact or reaction for the people above when charged by a large alien predator. No 'Can we speed this up?' or 'Get everyone aboard!' or anything else. The character doesn't react to the threat, so your audience might not either.
8. This is supposed to be a fast-paced attack, but the phrase 'In almost no time' doesn't convey that.
9. Are the dozen creatures down in the valley or level with the ship? Also, Don knows the creatures don't care about his gun, so he might prioritize getting his gear and crew aboard rather than standing watch.
I like the character and the creature you have, but the urgency of an action/escape scene isn't there for me. In my experience, I've found there's a couple ways to convey this: either through a fast-paced 'real-time' recounting, where everything's a blur and all you get is feelings and impressions of details, or a blow-by-blow tactical breakdown analyzing distances, threats, and other details. You're right in the middle there, and one nudge could make this scene amazing either way.
Like I said, I'm a nit-picky SoB, but the devil's in the details.
