Originally, I wanted to start my prologue with a sense of movement, and effectively describe a journey over a half page to generate a sense of dynamicism to the opening.
However, I'm finding in my latest rewrites my use of third person limited is moving much deeper into the character experience. This moves me further from "writing a film in third person" and allows for more immediate impact - potentially.
I'd like to explore reactions to these two alternative openings - the first as normal limited, and the second as a deeper limited.
Both stop at the point where they converge.
My feeling is that the second works better, but I'm grateful for second opinions:
1. Opening one - the descriptive POV
Rynell spurred his horse across the ford. He was exhausted, dust-stained and stiff from riding. His mount was lathered with foam across its flanks. He stayed focused on maintaining pace, pushing on with a punishing gallop into gnarled woodland.
He had kept away from the towns and skirted around villages so that only small folk might see him. Loose hooded robes kept his features hidden: it would be dangerous for him to be found alone outside the imperial capital.
The hunting track he now followed weaved uphill, sunset reds streaking through naked boughs as they enclosed him. Growing shadow encroached and the stars made bold their appearance.
2. Opening two - the deeper POV
Killing King Abican III was easy. Lord Rynell led the old man to his bathtub, then suddenly twisted his head with a sickening crunch. The dead king flopped into the water, splashing the floor with pink rose petals. Then Lord Rynell called for the guards, as arranged.
Lord Rynell stayed long enough to listen sympathetically to a eulogy, and then the proclaimed ascendency of the eldest son as Narrah II.
He left quickly after.
This was partly in case the new king turned unexpectedly treacherous. But it was also because he needed to see to the health of his adoptive father, before attending Councillor Mulrek’s grand meeting at the end of the month.
For this, Lord Rynell had to ride fast and alone, and anonymous, lest he be attacked by bandits, or recognised by enemy agents. It was far too dangerous for anyone else to know the location of the Cardinal Pontiphas. Too many cardinals had long been assassinated. And that demonic fanatic, Father Dinemetis, was doing everything he could to poison loyalty within what remained of the Order. Lord Rynell could trust only Comulos and Lowan to assist him.
The health of the Cardinal Pontiphas was unchanged. Physically and mentally he remained frail, and frequently forgot himself and his surroundings. Even Councillor Mulrek, for all his powers, said he could not cure a disease of the mind.
Lord Rynell left trying not to think upon the upsetting illness, but instead on how Mulrek’s grand scheme would see his adoptive father as a figurehead for rebuilding the Order, under Rynell’s unchallenged authority. There lay that one hope from the situation.
Riding to Lord Nomron’s duchy in Cammenia proved an exhausting journey. He had to cross the boundaries of four kingdoms to reach it. By the time he approached the duke’s castle he was dust-stained and stiff from days of hard riding, his horse lathered with foam from the final gallop.
Which do you feel works best?
However, I'm finding in my latest rewrites my use of third person limited is moving much deeper into the character experience. This moves me further from "writing a film in third person" and allows for more immediate impact - potentially.
I'd like to explore reactions to these two alternative openings - the first as normal limited, and the second as a deeper limited.
Both stop at the point where they converge.
My feeling is that the second works better, but I'm grateful for second opinions:
1. Opening one - the descriptive POV
Rynell spurred his horse across the ford. He was exhausted, dust-stained and stiff from riding. His mount was lathered with foam across its flanks. He stayed focused on maintaining pace, pushing on with a punishing gallop into gnarled woodland.
He had kept away from the towns and skirted around villages so that only small folk might see him. Loose hooded robes kept his features hidden: it would be dangerous for him to be found alone outside the imperial capital.
The hunting track he now followed weaved uphill, sunset reds streaking through naked boughs as they enclosed him. Growing shadow encroached and the stars made bold their appearance.
2. Opening two - the deeper POV
Killing King Abican III was easy. Lord Rynell led the old man to his bathtub, then suddenly twisted his head with a sickening crunch. The dead king flopped into the water, splashing the floor with pink rose petals. Then Lord Rynell called for the guards, as arranged.
Lord Rynell stayed long enough to listen sympathetically to a eulogy, and then the proclaimed ascendency of the eldest son as Narrah II.
He left quickly after.
This was partly in case the new king turned unexpectedly treacherous. But it was also because he needed to see to the health of his adoptive father, before attending Councillor Mulrek’s grand meeting at the end of the month.
For this, Lord Rynell had to ride fast and alone, and anonymous, lest he be attacked by bandits, or recognised by enemy agents. It was far too dangerous for anyone else to know the location of the Cardinal Pontiphas. Too many cardinals had long been assassinated. And that demonic fanatic, Father Dinemetis, was doing everything he could to poison loyalty within what remained of the Order. Lord Rynell could trust only Comulos and Lowan to assist him.
The health of the Cardinal Pontiphas was unchanged. Physically and mentally he remained frail, and frequently forgot himself and his surroundings. Even Councillor Mulrek, for all his powers, said he could not cure a disease of the mind.
Lord Rynell left trying not to think upon the upsetting illness, but instead on how Mulrek’s grand scheme would see his adoptive father as a figurehead for rebuilding the Order, under Rynell’s unchallenged authority. There lay that one hope from the situation.
Riding to Lord Nomron’s duchy in Cammenia proved an exhausting journey. He had to cross the boundaries of four kingdoms to reach it. By the time he approached the duke’s castle he was dust-stained and stiff from days of hard riding, his horse lathered with foam from the final gallop.
Which do you feel works best?
