Mayhem - query and synopsis.

[AnyaKimlin]

I'm still undecided about sending this off to Harper Voyager, but I'd like to have the package ready. HELP!

Covering Letter.


Blood, magic and mayhem forge a well respected king from a reluctant prince.

Mayhem is a 75,000 word, YA Fantasy that is aimed at the older end of the market. It is a high-fantasy in many respects: magical races, magic systems and a royal saga, but the world has technology that is similar to what we enjoy in 2012. The races are also designed specifically for the story rather than being taken directly from existing myths.

The story is about seventeen-year-old, giant Prince Angus who never wanted to be king but is forced to take the throne when his father dies. Against the backdrop of war, the ultimate dysfunctional family, difficult decisions that affect the lives of millions, a new bride and a mentor that is going senile he battles normal teen issues like self esteem, spots, his brother coming out and a dead father he is sure didn't really love him. His troubles almost destroy him but instead he chooses to become a great king.

The first-person coming of age story is set against a royal family saga. The era, world and characters are very different but the protagonist battles similar issues to those faced by Tomasu/Takeo in Lian Hearne's Across the Nightingale Floor.

Dragonfly, a sequel to Mayhem, has a complete first draft. It is told from the point of view of Qing, the fifteen-year-old assassin, who is contracted by King Angus to find his kidnapped wife.

Thank you for the time taken to consider my submission.


Synopsis
Prince Angus sniffs his jeans, they stink, but it is better than facing his doom naked* One stupid punch on the way to school has resulted in a beyond furious father and a headmaster baying for his blood, well expulsion. His dream of becoming an astronaut is at an end..

His sister, Princess Evelyn wants to be queen and she will kill anyone to get it, including her own father. Her actions thrust the unprepared, unpopular and pampered Angus onto her throne and she wants his head on a plate. He has never left the Royal Quarter, knows nothing of the affairs of state and has never even had sex with his girlfriend; he might as well tattoo a target on his forehead.

A lifeline comes in the shape of one of his father's enemies: the Abbot. He teaches Angus how to use magic and gives him the resources to reduce Evelyn's power base in the country and send her packing. King Angus' reign had looked like being a disastrously short footnote in the island's history now has the potential to be a glorious reign.

 

[Culhwch]

Procrastinating at work.... shh, don't tell anyone.

For mine there are a few points where this doesn't flow well and it jars, making comprehension difficult - which is definitely not what you want.

Covering Letter.

Blood, magic and mayhem forge a well respected king from a reluctant prince.

I can see this as the tagline that you see on some books nowadays - is that as intended? In any case, I think it could be tighter: Blood, magic and mayhem forge a reluctant prince into a respected king.

I've never written a query letter, mind, so I may be entirely off base with these suggestions - feel free to ignore me! Also not sure what's required of this particular submission process, but I've made some changes to the below in an attempt to make it more active and engaging.

Mayhem is a 75,000 word YA fantasy novel aimed at older readers. It is set in a world featuring unique magic systems and races, yet with technology similar to our own.

Seventeen year old [giant] Prince Angus never wanted to be king, but he is forced to take the throne upon his father's death. Against a backdrop of war, the ultimate dysfunctional family, difficult decisions affecting the lives of millions, a new bride, and a mentor who is slowly going senile, he battles normal teen issues - self-esteem, spots, his brother coming out, and a dead father he is sure didn't really love him. His troubles could destroy him, or they could forge him into a great king.

Mostly I've just cut words and rearranged sentences to make it punchier. That middle sentence in the second par is a monster and a little unwieldy, but I couldn't come up with a better way to convey the information. Also, not sure how 'normal' the gay brother and uncaring dead father really are - certainly not when contrasted with spots and self-esteem issues.

The giant bit threw me as well. Is he an actual giant, or is he just large? I suspect the former, but the way it's written suggests the latter. It's hard to wedge that in there, though - really, if he is a prince of giants, it should be: Seventeen year old giant prince, Angus, never wanted.... Not sure that entirely works, though.

Mayhem is told from Angus's perspective, allowing the reader to experience the saga of the royal family first-hand. Although set in very different world, the protagonist's journey evokes that of Tomasu/Takeo in Lian Hearne's Across the Nightingale Floor.

Dragonfly, a sequel to Mayhem, has a complete first draft. It is told from the point of view of Qing, a fifteen-year-old assassin hired by King Angus to find his kidnapped wife.

Thank you for the time taken to consider my submission.

Again, mostly cutting and rearranging for more impact.

Synopsis
Prince Angus sniffs his jeans, they stink, but it is better than facing his doom naked* One stupid punch on the way to school has resulted in a beyond furious father and a headmaster baying for his blood, well expulsion. His dream of becoming an astronaut is at an end..

His sister, Princess Evelyn wants to be queen and she will kill anyone to get it, including her own father. Her actions thrust the unprepared, unpopular and pampered Angus onto her throne and she wants his head on a plate. He has never left the Royal Quarter, knows nothing of the affairs of state and has never even had sex with his girlfriend; he might as well tattoo a target on his forehead.

A lifeline comes in the shape of one of his father's enemies: the Abbot. He teaches Angus how to use magic and gives him the resources to reduce Evelyn's power base in the country and send her packing. King Angus' reign had looked like being a disastrously short footnote in the island's history now has the potential to be a glorious reign.

No changes to this, just some comments - it feels disjointed. Especially that first sentence. No idea what's going on at all, doesn't seem to have any relation to the following sentences, and I can't figure what that asterisk is doing there. Then he's a prince but he's able to punch someone on the way to school (can't imagine a prince having that opportunity, what with the security detail I'd imagine would follow him around), and he's talking about being an astronaut, but he has a murderous sister and now he's king, and he's never left the Royal Quarter (except earlier when he went to school possibly?), and then the mention of sex just comes out of nowhere, but then magic and a mentor and things are on the up.

Again I'm no expert on these things, but I think I'd want more clarity and detail from the synopsis, in a well-written and succinct but engaging package. I will defer to wiser and more experienced minds on the specifics, but I would definitely recommend a re-write with an eye to this.

 

[Abernovo]

Cul got pretty mcuh everything I was thinking. There is one line though, in your covering letter.

It is a high-fantasy in many respects: magical races, magic systems and a royal saga, but the world has technology that is similar to what we enjoy in 2012

I wondered if it might work better as 'but set in a world with similar technology to our own'.

It might simply be a difference in style, though.

 

[Boneman]

The Covering letter is spot-on (whilst agreeing with Cul...) but the opening of the synopsis made me go eeewww!!! Frankly if the hook to your synopsis is a teenager sniffing his jeans, I fear it will immediately make most readers think - this boy is a pervert and I don't like him, and the story must follow this, so I don't want to read it. Which would be a shame...

Not sure I remember if the brother was older (ie Angus should never have taken the throne, in which case the first line would omit 'for a decade or two, anyway) but Whatif:

Prince Angus is a reluctant heir, but he doesn't expect to inherit the throne for a decade or two, anyway. Always in trouble for minor infractions (need a better word, this is seat-of-the-pants-stuff) he's seriously pissed off when he's forced into taking the Abbott as a mentor, who will straighten him out.

But his sister Evelyn has other plans: she wants the Crown. Badly. She murders their father and brother, and narrowly misses killing Angus, who is thrust unwillingly onto the throne to rule a nation. Ill-prepared and ill-advised, his saviour turns out to be the Abbot, who teaches Angus how to wield ancient magic, and they turn the tide against Evelyn's forces.

Angus grows up quickly, and it looks as though he has the potential to be a great king. If Evelyn can be dealt with.


You don't need to put the astronaut stuff, you've set the world in your pitch letter. Hope this helps and good luck!!

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Doctor synopsis strikes again! Don't go anywhere til this window closes....

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Hmm thanks Boneman - I'll give it a thought and work on the synopsis - AGAIN!!

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Using Boneman's as a guide (it didn't quite hit the story) - does this work better?

A night of royal disasters thrust the unprepared, pampered Prince Angus onto the throne. Quite frankly he’d rather go fishing or start a brawl. He’s never left the Royal Quarter, never shown any interest in affairs of state, the press and public hate him, and his sister wants him dead.

His sister, Princess Evelyn, has only ever wanted one thing: to be queen. She will stop at nothing to get the crown on her head, that includes matricide, patricide and attempted fratricide. Unlike Angus she has the people’s hearts and the media adores her.

Angus joins forces with the slightly senile Abbot who shows him how to wield ancient magic and together they battle to turn the tide on Evelyn. They reduce her influence over certain institutions and her reputation is in tatters.

With Evelyn on the run, Angus combines the skills the Abbot taught him with the seldom used genius level intelligence he inherited from his father and his potential as a great ruler becomes apparent. A glorious coronation allows the people of his country to show their appreciation for what he has achieved.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Much better. I'm not sure about going fishing, anything a bit more, I dunno, groovier? But it pulls me in and is a fair representation of the book. (and makes Angus sound like the sweetie he is. )

 

[AnyaKimlin]

lol He's such a dull geek. His main thing is reading about going to the stars. Drink a beer? You can't half see the influence of Prince Adam in that synopsis (1980s He-Man).

Angus is 6ft11, but I could leave out the giant.

 

[JoanDrake]

Is Angus Claudius, like in I, Claudius, except that it's a modern world, there's magic, and general geekiness is his stammer?

 

[Boneman]

This is much better, now the jeans-sniffing has gone... The only thing that jars with me is the:

They reduce her influence over certain institutions and her reputation is in tatters.

Blimey, Regicide, fratricide and matricide... but reducing her influence over certain institutions has her reputation in tatters??? She's a murdering bitch, but this sounds so.... so.... financial institution. Bankers. Don't they fight and defeat her forces? Doesn't she flee, spitting blood and vowing revenge?

Evelyn's power base is destroyed and she flees. Leave it at that. A synopsis is allowed a hell of a lot of latitude, and believe me, it's the writing that sells it!!

 

[AnyaKimlin]

I'll use your exact phrase Boneman Now I can get on and finish the editing. Evelyn started her murderous rampage at eleven when Angus was born and she killed their mother.

@Joan to be honest he is just Angus. My character's tend to take influences from everywhere. He's very much a modern teenager in a world that is alien to us.

 

[Tecdavid]

Blood, magic, and mayhem forge a well-respected king from a reluctant prince. (It's just a personal thing, maybe, but I think using the Oxford comma neatens a sentence)

Mayhem is a 75,000 word, YA Fantasy that is aimed at the older end of the market. It is a high-fantasy in many respects: magical races, magic systems and a royal saga, but the world has technology that is similar to what we enjoy in 2012. The races are also designed specifically for the story, rather than being taken directly from existing myths. (I think it's good that you pointed out that your creatures are your own. It shows that you haven't been lazy about how your world is filled. )

The story is about seventeen-year-old, giant (maybe a different word than 'giant'? It isn't clear whether you mean he's large, or whether he is, in fact, a giant - which would clash with what you said about using original races) Prince Angus who never wanted to be king, but is forced to take the throne when his father dies. Against the backdrop of war, the ultimate dysfunctional family, difficult decisions that affect the lives of millions, a new bride and a mentor that is going senile, he battles normal teen issues like self esteem, spots, his brother coming out and a dead father he is sure didn't really love him. His troubles almost destroy him but instead he chooses to become a great king. (I can't say for certain whether this would work, but how about mentioning spots at the end of his list of troubles, perhaps after ellipses, for comedic effect? [as it does sound humorously out-of-place next to the more dramatic things listed] )

The first-person coming of age story is set against a royal family saga. The era, world and characters are very different but the protagonist battles similar issues to those faced by Tomasu/Takeo in Lian Hearne's Across the Nightingale Floor.

Dragonfly, a sequel to Mayhem, has a complete first draft. It is told from the point of view of Qing, the fifteen-year-old assassin, who is contracted by King Angus to find his kidnapped wife.

Thank you for the time taken to consider my submission.


Synopsis
Prince Angus sniffs his jeans. They stink, but it is better than facing his doom naked* (Is this asterisk here for a reason?) One stupid punch on the way to school has resulted in a beyond furious father and a headmaster baying for his blood. Well, expulsion. His dream of becoming an astronaut is at an end..

His sister, Princess Evelyn wants to be queen and is prepared to kill anyone to get there, including her own father. Her actions thrust the unprepared, unpopular and pampered Angus onto her throne and she wants his head on a plate. He has never left the Royal Quarter, knows nothing of the affairs of state, and has never even had sex with his girlfriend; he might as well tattoo a target on his forehead.

A lifeline comes in the shape of one of his father's enemies: the Abbot. He teaches Angus how to use magic and gives him the resources to reduce Evelyn's power base in the country and send her packing. King Angus' reign had looked like being a disastrously short footnote in the island's history now has the potential to be a glorious reign.

I think you've summed it up well! The "corrections" I've made can be taken or left alone - I just personally thought they read a little better.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

the asterix for some reason was a full stop (and still is in my manuscript).

Thanks for the suggestion about the spots - I entirely agree.

Angus is just big. When I use the term giant it is just meant as this is a larger than average race. Angus has DNA from the Earth elemental people in him and they are sort of huge, black, gigantic, intelligent (they are my engineering race), colourful (clothes and houses) orcs crossed with my favourite characters from Little Women. They invent things, build huge underground cities and adopt lots of unwanted children.

Although he is pasty skinned, blue eyed and blond hair - he has inherited the intelligence, engineering ability, the hair type and the build.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Final rewrite (I hope):
A night of royal disasters thrust the unprepared, pampered Prince Angus onto the throne. Quite frankly he’d rather hang out with his mates and start a brawl. He’s never left the Royal Quarter, never shown any interest in affairs of state, the press and public hate him, and his sister wants him dead.

His sister, Princess Evelyn, has only ever wanted one thing: to be queen. She will stop at nothing to get the crown on her head, and that includes matricide, patricide and attempted fratricide. Unlike Angus she has the people’s hearts and the media adore her. With a mix of sex and blackmail she has assured support from the country’s military leaders. Her hatred of Angus is irrational and now he has 'her' throne.

Angus joins forces with the slightly senile Abbot who shows him how to wield ancient magic and together they battle to turn the tide on Evelyn. They destroy her power base and she flees, spitting blood and revenge.

The skills the Abbot teaches Angus combined with the seldom used genius level intelligence he inherited from his father give him the courage to make decisions that show his potential as an exceptional monarch. A coronation allows the people of his country to show their appreciation for what he has achieved; an Evelyn ordered assassination attempt is foiled and the day ends in glory.

(I'd love to use spitting feathers (as um that literally happens she has one Angus' feathers in her mouth) instead of blood as it has more relevance to the story, but I know that means thirsty and feathers only have relevance once the story has been read - ooh but what a glorious swear to use in my books).

 

[alchemist]

Looks good!

Final rewrite (I hope):
A night of royal disasters thrust the unprepared, pampered Prince Angus onto the throne. Quite frankly he’d rather hang out with his mates and start a brawl. He’s never left the Royal Quarter, never shown any interest in affairs of state, the press and public hate him, and his sister wants him dead.

His sister, Princess Evelyn, has only ever wanted one thing: to be queen. She will stop at nothing to get the crown on her head, and that includes matricide, patricide and attempted fratricide. Unlike Angus she has the people’s hearts and the media adore her. With a mix of sex and blackmail she has assured support from the country’s military leaders. Her hatred of Angus is irrational Given she always wanted to be queen and Angus stands in her way, it's kind of rational. I'd suggest dropping that. and now he has 'her' throne.

Angus joins forces with the slightly senile Abbot who shows him how to wield ancient magic and together they battle to turn the tide on Evelyn. They destroy her power base and she flees, spitting blood and revenge.

The skills the Abbot teaches Angus combined with the seldom used genius level intelligence there's something I don't like about that phrase. It's almost too flippant. "Superior intellect"? he inherited from his father give him the courage to make decisions that show his potential as an exceptional monarch. A coronation allows the people of his country to show their appreciation for what he has achieved; an Evelyn ordered assassination attempt is foiled and the day ends in glory. there's something I can't quite put my finger on here either. Maybe it's a little vague?? How about "...takes his deserved place on the throne"? (yeah, I know. Too many characters)

(I'd love to use spitting feathers (as um that literally happens she has one Angus' feathers in her mouth) instead of blood as it has more relevance to the story, but I know that means thirsty I'd interpret it as angry and feathers only have relevance once the story has been read - ooh but what a glorious swear to use in my books).

 

[HareBrain]

It should be "thrusts" -- "night" is singular. And I agree with alc about the "irrational" bit, though maybe for slightly different reasons. In whose view is it irrational? Clearly not hers -- and if the author's, then that risks suggesting that you don't know (or haven't worked out) your character's motivations.

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

It may be a bit late in the day to bring this up, but is the concept presented in the synopsis really a contract-winning idea? The problem I have with it is that in our own world, all the absolute monarchies (i.e. sundry kings, the Kaiser, the Czar, the Sultan, the Chinese Emperor etc) were violently suppressed by the end of WWI. We still have constitutional monarchies, but nobody cares enough to kill for one of those crowns, because they have very little power. We still have absolute rulers, even hereditary ones, but the terminology and the excuses for remaining in power ('President', 'rigged election') are quite different. There are probably sound socio-economic reasons for all this. And even an absolute ruler needs a gang of thugs with an interest in supporting him.
So, convince me!

 

[matle]

I'd always avoid describing anything as 'irrational' in a synopsis I think!! Anything like that reads as a cop out or weak character development (plus in this case the reason for her hatred can be pretty clearly explained)

 

[AnyaKimlin]

It may be a bit late in the day to bring this up, but is the concept presented in the synopsis really a contract-winning idea? The problem I have with it is that in our own world, all the absolute monarchies (i.e. sundry kings, the Kaiser, the Czar, the Sultan, the Chinese Emperor etc) were violently suppressed by the end of WWI. We still have constitutional monarchies, but nobody cares enough to kill for one of those crowns, because they have very little power. We still have absolute rulers, even hereditary ones, but the terminology and the excuses for remaining in power ('President', 'rigged election') are quite different. There are probably sound socio-economic reasons for all this. And even an absolute ruler needs a gang of thugs with an interest in supporting him.
So, convince me!

Not in 1500 characters I can't beyond the fact it isn't Earth, because it is world building and not story - the races, the religion, the history and the natural resources available are all different. The world grew out of the story rather than was designed beforehand so it all makes sense in context.

Whilst similar to our level of technology - it is different. Some things are more advanced and some further behind (for various reasons including bird shifting flight is one, the planet's dome/crust has kept them behind in space exploration and the nature of some of the inhabitants makes guns useless in some situations - hence the sword being used to behead a lot longer than on Earth (well maybe not some countries still behead) ). There are 5-7 empires in the world. One is now a fully fledged modern democracy, two are nasty dictatorships (one a very closed one like North Korea), another is a floating island kind of like Laputa. This small island is protected because Evelyn is married to one of the nasty dictatorships and wants it for herself complete with the ancient powers and unique natural resources. Her grandfather terrified everyone and Angus' father hadn't been on the throne very long. They also have the Abbot still in place with his magic. The particular religious beliefs have kept the Abbots and Monarchs in place for longer than happened on Earth because of the idea that god, and therefore the universe would die if they were deposed.