Mayhem - query and synopsis.

[AnyaKimlin]

I'd always avoid describing anything as 'irrational' in a synopsis I think!! Anything like that reads as a cop out or weak character development (plus in this case the reason for her hatred can be pretty clearly explained)

I guess it is obvious in the context of the synopsis, but not in the book. Angus was never in her way of the throne as he is the younger son and she was above him in the line of succession. It was their older brother abdicating in his favour that put him there.

How about - She's hated Angus since he was in their mother's womb and now he's taken 'her' throne? I'm trying to emphasize that is a very personal hatred of Angus and him being on the throne has made it worse ?

 

[matle]

That sounds much better - I think you could even just write 'and now he's taken her throne.'

 

[flux]

How about - She's hated Angus since he was in their mother's womb and now he's taken 'her' throne? I'm trying to emphasize that is a very personal hatred of Angus and him being on the throne has made it worse ?

I have to say, I was intrigued by this and felt I had to register and post a reply (and I am glad I did).

From a reader's point of view, I think you should go with the mother's womb line. Angus is the youngest and makes his sister the middle child. Ask my wife what families are like for the middle child, if anyone even notices them. It does emphasize the personal hatred and possible helps highlight either a very spoilt jealous sister or a very insecure sister, which I think is an interesting aspect. Too many stories have "older/younger sibling issues" whilst too few have middle child issues.

I apologise for any mistakes in this, I've been staring at my own writing for 36 hours now and getting nowhere, unless insanity is a destination to which I would like to board a train going back please! Hopefully I picked them all out before clicking submit.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Flux thank you for your response and I think I will keep it. And I am sorry I didn't see this sooner i've had some internet issues. Thank you for posting - and love to hear from you again.