Info timing

[Fae'dtooGray]

timing is everything

This is good stuff thanks

 

[nubins]

I like it, I have one very small suggestion for the only bit i had to re-read...

A wave of dizziness – anxiety, the doctor said – washed over her and she put her hand out, steadying herself against the counter. Her pass had led to [she] her and Jeff being given one of the first new houses, the ones for the supposedly privileged, and the first targeted by the rioters. She bit down, forcing her tears back; it wasn’t like she was the only one mourning someone. In fact, it was both the biggest blessing and hardest thing to bear in New Belfast, that everyone understood how hard life was and exuded the same collective grief.

 

[JoanDrake]

This looks fine to me, it piques interest and makes me want more.

I didn't get the impression that she was climbing a mountain as much as the idea that she was entering a place that intimidated her, and getting more uneasy as she went. Given the other details you let fall I thought this was your intention, and that you did a good job of it.

I do have one problem. They can put up a building in half an hour, make androids and genetically engineer dogs to the point where they have speech (and weaponry); then they use filing cabinets with paper forms?

It's not impossible, we have computers and still use pens. (though I see less and less file cabinets) but it seemed that you wanted to give the impression of the Zelotyr to be one of extreme technological advancement. This threw me.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Thanks Fa'ed, Nubins, Joan. Yes, that is smoother, thanks Nubins. Good point about the filing cabinet, Joan, a bit of a bad habit of mine, that, not getting more futuristic stuff in. I think I have changed it to a data pad-dy type thing, but I'll check. Ty.