Setting a Scene. 291 Words.

[Coragem]

Below, a possible opening for a prologue. A great many thanks in advance to all those who read it and comment.

Coragem

Low waves nudged Grey Willow to starboard as Gary Dane traced a finger along her gnarled gunwale. As he stepped aft. Yanked the lever that, rattle and clink, released her anchor.

The chain flexed tight, she lurched and snagged still. Found a rhythm, swaying gently in the spot Gary and Shauna had always used when thirty, forty years before, they wanted a night alone. It’d felt peaceful then, the illusion of everything paired back to their voices and white moonlight, somehow oblivious to the shouting, music, and intoxicated singsong blaring from the Irish coast; ignoring the garish holos flaring from high-rise shanties, smearing on the sea like an oil-slick. Now every night was a night alone and Gary never felt peaceful.

He stooped, faced away from the cabin hatch, climbed down backwards. Sat on the bunk and reached for his inject pen, tipped it from its metallic case. Stared at it. Then he rolled up his sleeve, not worried because he’d built up to this, knew what level of corti-stim he could handle.

He knew what to expect. The stim would make a grab for memories encoded deep within his temporal lobe. It would harass and herd them into his pre-frontal cortex and his consciousness, bringing chaos to his limbic structures, producing knife-sharp peaks of activity in his visual, auditory and somatosensory cortex.

The closest comparative would be a nightmare. The worst, with sweating and pain, hellish snapshots and lurid slow motion, everything perverted and accentuated by the stim. He would flail against the tide of the playback, trying to manhandle it, fighting to reach the familiar blackness, the dark looming wave, and finally break through.

The narrow bunk ready to catch him, Gary fell back.

 

[Warren_Paul]

Hey Coragem. I've read it and got a few comments. Hope they help.

Below, a possible opening for a prologue. A great many thanks in advance to all those who read it and comment.

Coragem

Low waves nudged Grey Willow to starboard as Gary Dane traced a finger along her gnarled gunwale. As he stepped aft. Yanked the lever that, rattle and clink, released her anchor.


The chain flexed tight, she lurched and snagged still. Found a rhythm, swaying gently in the spot Gary and Shauna had always used when thirty, forty years before, they wanted a night alone. It’d felt peaceful then, the illusion of everything paired back to their voices and white moonlight, somehow oblivious to the shouting, music, and intoxicated singsong blaring from the Irish coast; ignoring the garish holos flaring from high-rise shanties, smearing on the sea like an oil-slick. Now every night was a night alone and Gary never felt peaceful.-I thought the punctuation of the bit in blue above is quite complex and difficult to read. Kind of like border-lining on a purple prose version of thoughts-

He stooped, faced away from the cabin hatch, climbed down backwards. Sat on the bunk and reached for his inject pen, tipped it from its metallic case. Stared at it. Then he rolled up his sleeve, not worried because he’d built up to this, knew what level of corti-stim he could handle.

He knew what to expect. The stim would make a grab for memories encoded deep within his temporal lobe. It would harass and herd them into his pre-frontal cortex and his consciousness, bringing chaos to his limbic structures, producing knife-sharp peaks of activity in his visual, auditory and somatosensory cortex. -I don't understand this paragraph at all. The concept I get, but the words used are really complicated, which means the average reader would be totally lost here. It might make them wary of reading more-

The closest comparative would be a nightmare. The worst, with sweating and pain, hellish snapshots and lurid slow motion, everything perverted and accentuated by the stim. He would flail against the tide of the playback, trying to manhandle it, fighting to reach the familiar blackness, the dark looming wave, and finally break through.

The narrow bunk ready to catch him, Gary fell back.

The bits in red I found to be written in a strange way, and made it harder to read than it needed to be. That's really the comment I have for the whole piece. It's not an easy read I'm afraid. The red parts were quite disjointed I thought. Couldn't they be smoothed out better, or is there a reason they are written this way? The problem I think is you appear to be trying to cut out the joining words and putting full stops in the middle of sentences instead. It's like you've come along and trimmed off the fat, but taken a bit of the meat away with it as well. Why?

 

[amberwaves]

setting a scene by Coragem

I love some of the imagery here and then I got lost in another portion of it.

---quote-----------
He knew what to expect. The stim would make a grab for memories encoded deep within his temporal lobe. It would harass and herd them into his pre-frontal cortex and his consciousness, bringing chaos to his limbic structures, producing knife-sharp peaks of activity in his visual, auditory and somatosensory cortex.
---end quote-----------

I will get out my medical reference guide later .

I did run up against one difficulty. paired back- not sure what you mean in this context. And do you mean Pared back which means pealed back as in skinning something. possibly pruning-which might work pruning back all the exterior sounds.
Anyway there is some Paired back having to do with machinery parts that are set either back to back or face to face.

Either way I hope you can see from this how distracting two simple words can be.

what you have here is good and it might be that your usage of those words is colloquial and will only bother a foreigner like me. I would be happy to hear your definition of the set of words.

I did love the imagery though, apart from the grisly part about skinning something.

 

[rohb.vogue]

This is a tough one to analyze. The premise is good; very good, in fact. The wording is too difficult to follow though. I can see that you're shooting for a fairly stylized writing format, with the use of phrases like:
He knew what to expect. The stim would make a grab for memories encoded deep within his temporal lobe. It would harass and herd them into his pre-frontal cortex and his consciousness, bringing chaos to his limbic structures, producing knife-sharp peaks of activity in his visual, auditory and somatosensory cortex.

The problem is when you string together so much 'personal jargon', you can confuse the reader and place a huge speed bump in the narrative.

 

[Bowler1]

Low waves nudged the (I think there should be a ‘the’ there as it’s a thing) Grey Willow to starboard as Gary Dane traced a finger along her gnarled gunwale. As he stepped aft. No full stop here- he Yanked the lever that released the anchor that rattled and clinked before splashing into the depths. – A slight rewording, I’ve not got it right I’ll admit, but I think it’s clearer with the extra descriptive details in. Take care to bring the reader with you.
The chain flexed chains can’t flex tight, she lurched and snagged still. The ship Found a rhythm, swaying gently in the spot Gary and Shauna had always used when thirty, forty years before, they wanted a night alone. It’d felt peaceful then, the illusion of everything paired back to their voices and white moonlight, somehow oblivious to the shouting, music, and intoxicated singsong blaring from the Irish coast; ignoring the garish holos flaring from high-rise shanties, smearing on the sea like an oil-slick. Now every night was a night alone and Gary never felt peaceful. You lost me a little in the last few lines, but I liked the attempt at images here.

He stooped, faced away from the cabin hatch, climbed down backwards. Sat on the bunk and reached for his inject pen, tipped it from its metallic case. Stared at it. Then he rolled up his sleeve, not worried because he’d built up to this, knew what level of corti-stim he could handle.

He knew what to expect. The stim would make a grab for memories encoded deep within his temporal lobe. It would harass and herd them into his pre-frontal cortex and his consciousness, bringing chaos to his limbic structures, producing knife-sharp peaks of activity in his visual, auditory and somatosensory cortex. Too technical, so I had no real idea what the affect for the character was supposed to be.

The closest comparative would be a nightmare. The worst, with sweating and pain, hellish snapshots and lurid slow motion, everything perverted and accentuated by the stim. He would flail against the tide of the playback, trying to manhandle it, fighting to reach the familiar blackness, the dark looming wave, and finally break through. The images again are difficult.

The narrow bunk ready to catch him, Gary fell back.

I can see what it is your trying to achieve, Coragem and your close to the mark, but for me you’re not there just yet. I think your trying to get a lot across quickly and with purple images, if it were me, I’d simplify this. I’d don’t sail but I know there is a lot to do when you park a boat and while he is tying the ropes etc. then have memories and thoughts with the purple. Show more character in the build-up to the stim. Watch your sentence structure here and there as well, for flow as much as anything. What your trying to do is a brave opening, but if you can get it to work it will be a nice opening hook, so keep at it. So I liked the idea, even if I don’t think it pulled together just yet.

 

[Brian G Turner]

It's a nice piece, Coragem, and when the sentence fragments work, I think they work really well.

The main problem I think I have with this piece, though, is that you seem to be using two voices that intertwine:

1. Here are. Descriptions. Fragments.

2. Here is a longer sentence whose aim is to provide a bit more explicit information about what your reading which breaks out of the fragments and delivers what I want to tell you.


This is especially apparent in the first sentence - I'm wondering if a little extra punctuation may make it work better:

Low waves nudged Grey Willow to starboard. Gary Dane traced a finger along her gnarled gunwale. He stepped aft. Yanked the lever that, rattle and clink, released her anchor.

This sentence looks to me like an obvious run on:

It would harass and herd them into his pre-frontal cortex and his consciousness, bringing chaos to his limbic structures, producing knife-sharp peaks of activity in his visual, auditory and somatosensory cortex.

While my initial reaction is to correct this, you're obviously using a very distinctive voice, so it entirely depends on how comfortable you are with the longer sentences running on from the fragments.

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

Low waves nudged Grey Willow to starboard Really? as Gary Dane traced a finger along her gnarled gunwale. As he stepped aft. Forward is more likely Yanked the lever that, rattle and clink, released her anchor.

The chain flexed tight, she lurched and snagged still. Found a rhythm, swaying gently in the spot Gary and Shauna had always used when thirty, forty years before, they wanted a night alone. It’d felt peaceful then, the illusion of everything paired pared? back to their voices and white moonlight, somehow oblivious to the shouting, music, and intoxicated singsong blaring from the Irish coast; ignoring the garish holos flaring from high-rise shanties, smearing on the sea like an oil-slick. Now every night was a night alone and Gary never felt peaceful.

He stooped, faced away from the cabin hatch, climbed down backwards. Do we need so much detail? Sat on the bunk and reached for his inject pen, tipped it from its metallic case. Stared at it. Then he rolled up his sleeve, not worried because he’d built up to this, knew what level of corti-stim he could handle.

He knew what to expect. The stim would make a grab for memories encoded deep within his temporal lobe. It would harass and herd them into his pre-frontal cortex and his consciousness, bringing chaos to his limbic structures, producing knife-sharp peaks of activity in his visual, auditory and somatosensory cortex. What?

The closest comparative comparison? would be a nightmare. The worst, with sweating and pain, hellish snapshots and lurid slow motion, everything perverted and accentuated by the stim. He would flail against the tide of the playback, trying to manhandle it, fighting to reach the familiar blackness, the dark looming wave, and finally break through.

The narrow bunk ready to catch him, Gary fell back.

Looks like you're trying to do something ambitious here. Nothing wrong with that, but for me it doesn't come off. The nautical stuff fails to convince me. How do low waves nudge the boat to starboard? Why does he go aft to release the anchor? Why does the anchor chain flex tight? (Suggests he should be worrying in case the anchor starts dragging.) Why make a point of how he gets below decks and into the cabin? Professional writers go to a lot of trouble to get this kind of stuff right - the extreme example being the guy who flew to Antarctica because he wanted to set the climax of his next book there. So either get the boat detail to sound right, or skip it as much as possible.
There's also something about the writing style that jars for me; I've tried to tag it in a few places. For instance: The closest comparative would be a nightmare.. What's wrong with 'The closest comparison would be with a nightmare', or 'It would be like a nightmare'. or 'It would be like a drug-induced nightmare'.

 

[Gary Compton]

I liked this. Can't add much more to what's been said/pointed out.

Great character name, I'm sure Gary is windswept and interesting. It's in the name's DNA

 

[Hex]

Low waves nudged Grey Willow to starboard as Gary Dane traced a finger along her gnarled gunwale. As he stepped aft. Yanked the lever that, rattle and clink, released her anchor.

I was being thick, maybe, but it took me a couple of goes to understand the fragments above.

I wondered about writing it like this:

'... as Gary Dane traced a finger along her gnarled gunwale, as he stepped aft, as he yanked the lever that...'

I found the full stops too strong (although, as you know, I have a thing for commas). 'Yanked the lever...' left me wondering what was happening -- I wondered if, for ease of reading, it might be worth considering putting back the 'As he' which is currently implied.

Once I realised where you were going I really enjoyed the lyrical pattern of the words.

The chain flexed tight, she lurched and snagged still. [see, I'd put a comma here as well because the next bit is very much part of the previous sentence] Found a rhythm, swaying gently in the spot Gary and Shauna had always used when thirty, forty years before, they wanted a night alone. It’d felt peaceful then, the illusion of [I know it's clunkier than 'of', but have you considered 'the illusion that everything had been'? 'of' left me wondering and I got tangled in the sentence] everything paired [pared] back to their voices and white moonlight, somehow oblivious to the shouting, music, and intoxicated singsong blaring from the Irish coast [I got lost here -- what is oblivious to the shouting etc? is the illusion oblivious? I think maybe it's 'they' who are oblivious to the shouting, and I'd like it said]; ignoring the garish holos flaring from high-rise shanties, smearing on the sea like an oil-slick. Now every night was a night alone and Gary never felt peaceful. [I like the way you write!]

He stooped, faced away from the cabin hatch, climbed down backwards. Sat on the bunk and reached for his inject pen, tipped it from its metallic case. Stared at it. Then he rolled up his sleeve, not worried because he’d built up to this, knew what level of corti-stim he could handle.

He knew what to expect. The stim would make a grab for memories encoded deep within his temporal lobe. It would harass and herd them into his pre-frontal cortex and his consciousness, bringing chaos to his limbic structures, producing knife-sharp peaks of activity in his visual, auditory and somatosensory cortex. [lovely -- why do I want to say 'limbic system' instead??]

The closest comparative [comparison?] would be a nightmare. The worst, with sweating and pain, hellish snapshots and lurid slow motion, everything perverted and accentuated by the stim. He would flail against the tide of the playback, trying to manhandle [I'm not sure about 'manhandle'] it, fighting to reach the familiar blackness, the dark looming wave, and finally break through.

The narrow bunk ready to catch him, Gary fell back.

I like this a lot, Coragem, but I think it's a bit dense for me like this. There are a couple of places where the density meant I didn't know what was happening and I had to puzzle it out. I'm not sure if that's what you're looking for, but I think by making it a little less tight it would read more easily.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Hi Coragem, I have to be honest, for me the flow wasn't entirely there, and I found it hard to immerse myself in it.


Low waves nudged Grey Willow to starboard as Gary Dane traced a finger along her gnarled gunwale. As he stepped aft.for me, I really need a , he yanked (or you could lose the as, that would make it okay for me, because I think it is the as that makes me feel this should be a continuous action, and then the fragment reads as an error rather than a deliberate choice. In the first paragraph, I think that is a risk?) Yanked the lever that, rattle and clink,but I like the rhythm of this. released her anchor.

The chain flexed tight, sheif the she is the ship, I think you either need to specify this, or pop a semi colon in, as this way the she is linked to the chain lurched and snagged still. Found a rhythm, swaying gently in the spot Gary and Shauna had always used when thirty, forty years before, they wanted a night alone. It’d felt peaceful then, the illusion of everything pairedpared? unless it's a deliberate play on words, but if so, again, it reads like an error to me back to their voices and white moonlight, somehow oblivious to the shouting, music, and intoxicated singsong blaring from the Irish coast; ignoring the garish holos flaring from high-rise shanties, smearing on the sea like an oil-slick.The somehow oblivious didn't entirely work for me, because it brings it to the present tense, I think (but I am not good at tense issues and could be talking through my hat), and my mind is still in the past. Now every night was a night alone and Gary never felt peaceful.

He stooped, faced away from the cabin hatch, climbed down backwards. Sat on the bunk and reached for his inject pen, tipped it from its metallic case. Stared at it. Then he rolled up his sleeve, not worried because he’d built up to this, knew what level of corti-stim he could handle.this is where I found the fragments getting in the way of my reading. I have no problem with them in places, but here, we've just been told he's relaxed, he's carrying out a reflective action, of sorts, the staccato doesn't seem to suit the picture in my head.

He knew what to expect. The stim would make a grab for memories encoded deep within his temporal lobe. It would harass and herd them into his pre-frontal cortex and his consciousness, bringing chaos to his limbic structures, producing knife-sharp peaks of activity in his visual, auditory and somatosensory cortex. This I rather like.

The closest comparative would be a nightmare. The worst, with sweating and pain, hellish snapshots and lurid slow motion, everything perverted and accentuated by the stim. He would flail against the tide of the playback, trying to manhandle it, fighting to reach the familiar blackness, the dark looming wave, and finally break through.

The narrow bunk ready to catch him, Gary fell back.

I find it quite difficult to get into. I'd kind of like to know, for instance, why he wanted to take the stim shot; is it for kicks, or to hide a sadness. Without being pulled into him a little more, I'm finding it a little hard to sink into. I also had to reread quite a lot of the paragraphs, but I think this is the market you're sort of going for, the reader who is happy to spend time digesting everything, and this would work well for them.

 

[Coragem]

Thank you, everyone. Another quick attempt below.

I agree with just about all the comments above. I was aiming for some writing that felt very pared back (ahem) and oblique, but I was trying too hard.

My general intention has been to write a very short, unsettling, stripped back prologue (it's 1.5K, more unsettling later). One focussed on mood. A more forgiving/conventional narrative (and some explanation of what's going on) kicks in very shortly, in chapter one.

Cosmic Geoff: Sorry, as you can see, I did research the way the brain works (albeit not to everyone's liking), but I didn't do justice to the nautical stuff.

Thank you again.


Low waves rolled under Grey Willow as Gary Dane traced a finger along her gnarled gunwale. As he stepped forward, yanked the lever that, rattle and clink, released her anchor.

She settled. Settled in the spot Gary and Shauna had always used when thirty, forty years before, they wanted a night alone. Hardly six-hundred metres off shore, but still, it’d felt peaceful then, the two of them somehow oblivious to the shouting, laughter, and intoxicated singsong blaring from the Irish coast; blind to the garish holos flaring from high-rise shanties, smearing on the sea like an oil-slick.

He stooped, faced away from the cabin hatch, climbed down backwards. Sat on the bunk and reached for his inject pen, tipped it from its metallic case. Stared at it. Then he rolled up his sleeve, not worried because he’d built up to this, knew what level of corti-stim he could handle.

He knew what to expect. The stim would make a grab for memories encoded deep within his temporal lobe. It would harass and herd them into his cerebrum and his consciousness, bringing chaos to his limbic structures and knife-sharp peaks of activity to his sensory cortex.

The closest comparison would be a nightmare. The worst, with hellish snapshots and lurid slow motion, everything perverted and accentuated by the stim. He would flail against the tide of the playback, trying to manhandle it, fighting to reach the familiar blackness, the dark looming wave, and finally break through.

The narrow bunk ready to catch him, Gary fell back.

 

[amberwaves]

Setting the Scene (the pared back version) by Corgem.

Wow this did it for me. This really flowed much better and I get the same imagery except I'm pretty happy that no one got skinned this time around.

One thought on the purple side- does anyone know the difference between purple prose and purple patch. I'm not so sure I saw any purple prose here. Just a few things that needed a nip and tuck- which they got.
I see possibly a purple patch that helps the imagery and would hate to have someone call it purple prose.

It creates a stark contrast between what looks like a happy past to a beginning to spiral downward which is then followed by an interesting image of a backward climb enhancing the downward spiral.

 

[Coragem]

Wow this did it for me. This really flowed much better and I get the same imagery except I'm pretty happy that no one got skinned this time around.

Thank you!!!

 

[HareBrain]

Using fragments like this is a matter of taste (obviously). I'm not a big fan personally, but by the end of the rewritten version I was no longer really noticing it, so you can count that as a success.

I had a couple of problems early on though.

(BTW, I was dubious at first about the waves rolling "under" the boat, as I don't think that's what they do (though I could be wrong). But after a little thought I felt it cleverly gives a sense of the boat moving more and being less stable than an alternative would have done.)

As he stepped forward, yanked the lever that, rattle and clink, released her anchor.

I think this is fragmenting too far, especially this early on when readers are getting a feel for your style. I'm not sure it's even a fragment; it's just missing the word "he" before "yanked". Without it, it makes me really antsy. Also, you have two consecutive sentences using an "as" construction. I'd change this second one.

She settled. Settled in the spot Gary and Shauna

I don't like this repetition. It reads as a bit of a clumsy, over-eager kind of emphasis. It's too early in the morning to really get my head round it, but it feels wrong. Do you need it?

Otherwise, pretty good.

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

2nd version:
Better, but it's still trying to be Stylish. I think that plain prose with complete sentences might be better.
If you want an example of why you don't need to be Stylish to be a successful author, check out Terry Brook's "The Sword of Shannara". It sold truckloads, and is still hailed with uncritical enthusiasm by some. But the writing is quite bad - you've probably seen better in this Forum. What it does do is to deliver a rattling yarn in easily read prose. In the latter part of the book you'll really want to read on and find out what happens. (It's also remarkably similar to LOTR, but's let's not go there...)

 

[Warren_Paul]

I do agree in regards to the risks involved in having a stylised voice. Unfortunately trying to be so drastically different in your writing style doesn't seem to work. There are the small minority who will read it and think the writing is pure brilliance, but there will be more who won't be able to handle such an unusual style.

Saying that, I'm pretty sure a book like Sword of Shannara would be laughed out the door if Terry Brooks tried submitting it now, but... lets not hijack the thread any more than needed.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

There is a market for every kind of work... Yes Shannara was popular, but it isn't to everyone's taste and i think it is very far away from what Coragem is trying to achieve.

I like the second version lots more, btw, but i, too, am crying out for he before yanked, and cannot see how it makes grammatical sense without it. Since it is your first paragraph, i think it is a real risk.

 

[amberwaves]

Setting a scene by Coragem
First of all I stand by what I said - this is good - choppy style and all.

Just a note since we digress.

I think a better example of prose that flows would be the Harry Potter novels. But, I'm unfamiliar with Terry Brooks in that every book of his I have picked up has only taken me past the first few pages. It would be presumptuous of me to predicting what would or would not pass the muster today, it is like predicting the weather or the economy.

To return to the choppy style:: If I spend too much time reworking my work then I'm avoid taking any risk and honestly for a new author who statistically might sell a hand-full of their first, second, and third novels it means a rough style cost me maybe two or three readers at the most. I'm confident the agents-editors-publishers will help guide me anyway.

And, frankly, this forum [Critique] is not suited for that entire task anyway.

What it's good for is if I want to experiment or if I am stuck-as with writers block.

Some genius in here might be able to point out that I'm having trouble with my style- my point of view- my purple prose though pretty and prolific is taking me nowhere fast or some other such and I'll be able to get past the block.

 

[Coragem]

I think this is fragmenting too far, especially this early on when readers are getting a feel for your style. I'm not sure it's even a fragment; it's just missing the word "he" before "yanked". Without it, it makes me really antsy. Also, you have two consecutive sentences using an "as" construction. I'd change this second one.

I don't like this repetition. It reads as a bit of a clumsy, over-eager kind of emphasis. It's too early in the morning to really get my head round it, but it feels wrong. Do you need it?

Rightly or, okay, maybe wrongly, the repetitions of "As he" and "Settled" were indeed intentional. Maybe you would've found it easier if I'd used a semi-colon?

Low waves rolled under Grey Willow as Gary Dane traced a finger along her gnarled gunwale; as he stepped forward and yanked the lever that, rattle and clink, released her anchor.

Even though I originally used a full stop, the repetition of "as" was intended to suggest run on … rightly or maybe wrongly!!

I do agree in regards to the risks involved in having a stylised voice. Unfortunately trying to be so drastically different in your writing style doesn't seem to work. There are the small minority who will read it and think the writing is pure brilliance, but there will be more who won't be able to handle such an unusual style.

This short prologue extract is unlike my usual style. That said, I didn't consciously make it "stylised". It just came out that way. It's good to experiment, but you win some and you lose some.

Setting a scene by Coragem
What it's good for is if I want to experiment or if I am stuck-as with writers block.

Some genius in here might be able to point out that I'm having trouble with my style- my point of view- my purple prose though pretty and prolific is taking me nowhere fast or some other such and I'll be able to get past the block.

Couldn't agree more.

THANK YOU again, everyone.

Coragem.

 

[Grinnel]

Below, a possible opening for a prologue. A great many thanks in advance to all those who read it and comment.

Coragem

Low waves nudged Grey Willow to starboard as Gary Dane The use of the last name here takes the PoV further from the character. traced a finger along her gnarled gunwale. As he stepped aft. <this is not a sentence. Drop 'As' and put a semi-colon between 'aft' and 'yanked' Yanked the lever that, rattle and clink, released her anchor. IMHO sound effects in the middle of an action sentence only work well in comedic narratives. I would drop 'rattle and clink' out, put them at the end of the sentence, or put them in a new sentence.

The chain flexed tight,semi colon? she lurched and snagged still. Found a rhythm, swaying gently This seems awkward. Try: Swaying gently, she found a rhythm in the spot Gary and Shauna had always used when thirty, forty years before, they wanted a night alone. It’d felt peaceful then, the illusion of everything paired back to their voices and white moonlight, somehow oblivious to the shouting, music, and intoxicated singsong blaring from the Irish coast; ignoring the garish holos flaring from high-rise shanties, smearing on the sea like an oil-slick. I really like this image.

Now every night was a night alone and Gary never felt peaceful. Paragraph for effect.

He stooped, faced away from the cabin hatch, climbed down backwards. No subject in this sentence. Gary Sat on the bunk and reached for his inject pen, tipped it from its metallic case. Stared at it No subject here either but I think it works for you in this case.. Then he rolled up his sleeve, not worried because he’d built up to this, knew what level of corti-stim he could handle.

He knew repititious what to expect. The stim would make a grab for memories encoded deep within his temporal lobe. It would harass and herd them into his pre-frontal cortex and his consciousness this reads like they are 2 different things. I would drop 'and his consciousness', as you make it obvious later in the sentence, bringing chaos to his limbic structures, producing knife-sharp peaks of activity in his visual, auditory and somatosensory I learned a new word! cortex.

The closest comparative would be a nightmare. The worst, with sweating and pain, hellish snapshots and lurid slow motion, everything perverted and accentuated by the stim. He would flail against the tide of the playback, trying to manhandle it, fighting to reach the familiar blackness, the dark looming wave, and finally break through.

The narrow bunk ready to catch him, Gary fell back.

Your style is unique. I like it, but it does take getting used to. I would drop the sound effect in the first paragraph altogether as it does not stylistically fit with the rest.

This may be an Americanism (okay, a Canadianism) or an Irishism or just me but I picture shanties as being the small improvised shacks of the very poor in crowded slums. I have a problem melding the image of 'shanties' and 'high-rise'. Perhaps tenements?

The opening makes me curious enough to go on. Why is he torturing himself? There are easier drugs to use to get to sleep...

Note though, if there is not a very good reason for his self-abuse coming up I will not feel sympathetic towards this character (which may or may not be your goal).

As is my habit, I wrote this without reading the other comments, including your revised version. yYur revised version seems more traditional. You don't need to give up on your fragmented style, I think what you need is to work on it so that it flows more smoothly. It reads (in your first draft) like a deliberate style and not like a story.

Keep working at it. I think that if you can get it to flow a little better the style will fly.

Note: I would still take the sound effect out, it doesn't fit at all.