Setting a Scene. 291 Words.

[Hex]

Rightly or, okay, maybe wrongly, the repetitions of "As he" and "Settled" were indeed intentional. Maybe you would've found it easier if I'd used a semi-colon?

Low waves rolled under Grey Willow as Gary Dane traced a finger along her gnarled gunwale; as he stepped forward and yanked the lever that, rattle and clink, released her anchor.

Hey, Coragem,

I don't think HB was implying you might not have intended the repetition -- we all know what a careful writer you are -- just that it didn't quite work for him.

I think the bold version of the sentence works better than the previous version but (and I am sitting down while I type this, fanning myself with the pages of Strunk and White) because you've added an 'and' before 'yanked'. I still prefer a comma to a semi-colon.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Another for the translation thread! A shanty in this context is a sea shanty, a traditional song fishermen used when pulling in the nets.

The semi colon doesnt work for me, coragem. The use of as after it indicates imho that it is a linked action, and therefore not a seperate clause. For me a full stop and no as before the he makes more sense.

 

[Coragem]

Hey, Coragem,
I still prefer a comma to a semi-colon.

The semi colon doesnt work for me, coragem. The use of as after it indicates imho that it is a linked action, and therefore not a seperate clause. For me a full stop and no as before the he makes more sense.

Okay:

Low waves rolled under Grey Willow as Gary Dane traced a finger along her gnarled gunwale, stepped forward and yanked the lever that, rattle and clink, released her anchor.

Damn, now I've tried it like that it looks so simple!

This thread has been extremely helpful. So helpful that I think I'll stick the whole prologue up in the writers group. I'll also try hard to return a few favours by making time for some critiquing.

Thanks again (yet again) all.

 

[Cavalry]

Been away for a while -
This is quite nice and akin to what I am trying to do - keep going...