Testing character voice - 79 words

[Warren_Paul]

"He found his way through a gap in the tumble-down wall, heart banging like a joiner's mallet. From the long climb up the steep slope, and the wild grass clutching at his boots, and the bullying wind trying to bundle him over. But mostly, if he was honest, from the fear he'd end up getting killed at the top. He'd never laid claim to being a brave man and he'd only got more cowardly with age. Strange thing, that - the fewer years you have to lose the more you fear the losing of 'em. Maybe a man just gets stock of courage when he's born, and wears it down each scrape he gets into."

To me, the bits in red are all a distinctive voice that shows us glimpses into the character's background and personality. His comparison to a joiner's mallet implies he might work in a trade. The second bit about the wind gives me the impression he is a big, rough type of character that takes a lot to knock over. So I don't at all think it's neutral, but that's just my impression of it. But honestly, that paragraph is pure magic that we can only hope to sit in awe of. If one of us manages to pull it off, grats to them.


Personally, I think what Brian did was great. Can it be improved? Sure, it could do with some joiner's mallets. But the only immediate fix up that I can see it needs is the second mention of his name. The one at the beginning is enough, but that's already been mentioned several times though.

 

[Brian G Turner]

nubins - great minds think alike - I highlighted that Abercrombie paragraph before on chrons as a particularly excellent piece of writing.

 

[nubins]

- - Ulric was worried about the fire. It weren’t strong, though he’d scraped the ashes together. All he’d left were kindling, and that wouldn’t warm anyone. Ulric had sensed the storm coming yesterday and had found shelter, but Sirath had obviously been caught out. And he were soaked and freezing for it.​

Ulric leaned over and blew on the flames, but it didn’t look promising. He hoped Sirath didn’t mind much, but he still felt guilty like a bad host.

I think the reason I think it doesn't quite feel right yet is that it doesn't feel consistent. The bits of highlighted in blue dont quite match with the language style you have gone for elsewhere and I think they need embelleshment. Would Urlic say "Ulric was worried about the fire"? or would he say "Ulric clawed at the embers of the fire, there weren't life in it to last an hour, let alone warm a man wet through and freezing."

 

[Susan Boulton]

Brian, just be careful when trying to use another author's style or method of POV characterisation in your own WIP, you can lose your own voice, or find it gets muddled, which would be a shame. Try out various ways, yes, but make sure you stick to your own voice.

 

[Brian G Turner]

I think the reason I think it doesn't quite feel right yet is that it doesn't feel consistent. The bits of highlighted in blue dont quite match with the language style you have gone for elsewhere and I think they need embelleshment. Would Urlic say "Ulric was worried about the fire"? or would he say "Ulric clawed at the embers of the fire, there weren't life in it to last an hour, let alone warm a man wet through and freezing."

Yep, I agree, I need to have a clear plan for how to structure the character voice. Simply changing "was" to "were" and "wasn't" to "weren't" looks like it may result in confusion. I need a clearer idea of how to use the character voice.

Very much like your suggestion, though. I can see the difference between trying to fudge it, and giving due consideration - I need to think it different.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I think that's what I was trying very clumsily to say yesterday. It's ok to use character voice in pov, in fact I think it's a good thing, but it can only be done if you can hear the voice in your mind as you're typing it. To just take bits that work from another writer's piece and stick them in isn't what's needed, and that's what might make it sound deriviative, and duller, you need to actually find the voice that fits your character. Like an actor would, before they do the part.

 

[Brian G Turner]

Ah, no, I'd never directly copy another writer. My interest in looking at how Abercrombie used character narrative is simply because it means it's acceptable to publishers.

A case of trying to trying to better understand the "rules", so I don't end up making a pigs ear of it - as a "search/replace" of "was" to "were" would do.

 

[Bonnie Milani]

Hail, I, Brian!
I was all set to pop my two cents into the pot, when I realized I haven't a clue where even the rest of the first scene is. SO for whatever use you can find in a newbie take - ought to be good for a fresh eyes look, at least - here're my coins anyway.

That first sentence threw me instantly. I LOVE to write & read dialect, & I certainly agree each character needs his/her own distinctive voice. However, if this is the first sentence of the book, for me at least it would've been problematic simply because I don't yet have enough story context to recognize the odd grammar as a voice and not a typo or some such. Easy fix: give us a bit of setting that hints at the conflect first before we encounter the grammar. That way, the reader's anchored in the story and can fit the grammar into the character's pattern.
That make sense?
Best
Bonnie Milani

 

[J Riff]

This happens, you want it to happen with characters, their voice takes over and no italics. So this worked for me, it weren't bad at all.

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

The repetition of Ulric in the first paragraph is a bit jarring ... somebody already said that.
The discussion is really interesting, as is the technique for getting close to the character.
It's useful to have this sort of thing in one's writer's toolkit.
Is Abercrombie really the best-selling British fantasy author at the moment? If so, editors are probably getting a deluge of would-be Abercrombie clones
I haven't read any GRRM, partly because I didn't want to pick up influences from an author that everybody has read.

 

[Bonnie Milani]

<<I haven't read any GRRM, partly because I didn't want to pick up influences from an author that everybody has read.>>

Okay, I'm going to hate myself when I get the answer but who is GRRM?

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Heresy in certain threads, that... George Martin, Game of Thrones chap.

 

[HareBrain]

George RR Martin had to write a book about thrones because his middle name is Rs.

Thank you! You've been a great crowd!

 

[The Judge]

Don't give up the day job...

 

[Brian G Turner]

Just to repeat my thanks for all feedback, but I've since re-written this piece and moved on - being more careful with my use of pronouns, and also making the use of character voice less intrusive.

That's all, folks!