New wip: Heart's Desire (400 words)

[Hex]

Hi peoples,

These are the opening paragraphs of my shiny new wip. I'd be very grateful for any comments (and yes, for people who've read my other stuff, I almost always have a character called Davy).

#

I slipped Davy the Heart's Desire along with his change from the bar. He shoved the coins into his pocket and leant back against the seat, reaching for his pint with grimy fingers.

I loved his hands -- chewed nails, grey around the knuckles, yellow cigarette stain between his fingers. Everything mine weren't, all plump and pale and weak-looking.

"How's school, Stas?"

"Ah, you know." I fought to be casual, not to blush. "They teach stuff."

Brint laughed. "So nothing's changed. They did that when we were there." He tossed back his pale hair and drank a long swallow of beer.

Davy raised his eyes, dark and brilliant. The lashes were absurdly long. Wasted on a boy, Mum said, but I didn't think so.

"Sure," he said. "But what are you learning?"

The way he said it made heat rush all over my skin, up across my face, over my cheeks. I couldn't find an answer quick enough to hold his attention and he glanced away from me to the vidscreen on the wall. It was showing the same old crap -- Councillor Corbus just before they guillotined him. The smooth grey walls of the execution chamber; his strange, hunched shoulder. The merciless light.

I didn't like seeing Corbus die. I watched, though. I always do. Davy and Brint looked as well, and -- like everyone else in the pub -- they were smiling.

Right after the blade came flashing down, the screens switched to the latest Heart's Desire winner -- some fat old guy who'd chosen a massive car. I liked that better than when they had a beautiful girl hanging over them, giggling. It always seemed like she was laughing at them.

The stats came rolling up the screen:

Totals for the year so far
7 Fear
62 Fire
but only one Heart's Desire!

Then it switched to the old guy going on about his car. I turned back to my drink, to watching Davy covertly when there was no danger he'd notice.

He was thinner than he used to be, dirtier too since his mum had gone. The real change was his expression, the tightening of his jaw. It made him look sharp-edged, like you could cut yourself on him.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Hi peoples,



I slipped Davy the Heart's Desirefaintly ridiculous I know, but i briefly read it like she had given Davy the Heart's Desire the slip. I'm not sure how you get round it, but it seems a little clunky to me. along with his change from the bar. He shoved the coins into his pocket and leant back against the seat, reaching for his pint with grimy fingers.

I loved his hands -- chewed nails, grey around the knuckles, yellow cigarette stain between his fingers. Everything mine weren't, all plump and pale and weak-looking.

"How's school, Stas?" said who? Sorry I need to be grounded, and I'm not.

"Ah, you know." I fought to be casual, not to blush. "They teach stuff."

Brint laughed. "So nothing's changed. They did that when we were there." He tossed back his pale hair and drank a long swallow of beer.

Davy raised his eyes, dark and brilliant. The lashes were absurdly long. Wasted on a boy, Mum said, but I didn't think so. Hmm, a lot of description of him, but nothing, really, to give me the scene. I need a bit of both. I know they're in a bar, but is it a wine bar, a grimy bar, a theme bar (shudders). I'm finding the focus on him and nothing else a little bit stalkerest, a little too much.

"Sure," heDavy? said. "But what are you learning?"

The way he said it made heat rush all over my skin, up across my face, over my cheeks. I couldn't find an answer quick enough to hold his attention and he glanced away from me to the vidscreen on the wall. It was showing the same old crap -- Councillor Corbus just before they guillotined him. The smooth grey walls of the execution chamber; his strange, hunched shoulder. The merciless light.

I didn't like seeing Corbus die. I watched, though. I always do. Davy and Brint looked as well, and -- like everyone else in the pub -- they were smiling.

Right after the blade came flashing down, the screens switched to the latest Heart's Desire winner -- some fat old guy who'd chosen a massive car. I liked that better than when they had a beautiful girl hanging over them, giggling. It always seemed like she was laughing at them.

The stats came rolling up the screen:

Totals for the year so far
7 Fear
62 Fire
but only one Heart's Desire!

Then it switched to the old guy going on about his car. I turned back to my drink, tothe repeat of to made me confused, is the drink the focus or Davy watching Davy covertly when there was no danger he'd notice.

He was thinner than he used to be, dirtier too since his mum had gone. The real change was his expression, the tightening of his jaw. It made him look sharp-edged, like you could cut yourself on him.

I don't know, sorry. Not like me, normally I love your beginnings. There's too much focus on Davy, too much going on that I really don't understand, and not enough to ground me in the scene itself. Um, not helpful, potentially, but there you go.

 

[SciFrac]

Hex, good characterization. I like your methods of revealing her thoughts. But what's the time period? Between 'vidscreen' and 'guillotine' I was thinking future? Sorry, not familiar with the game I that is something I should know already. Interesting idea of watching a beheading at a bar! Would hope for some more setting context in the next part.

If Stas is trying to hide the Heart's Desire from others, I'd like a little hint in that first paragraph as to why. Is it stolen? Dangerous? Why does she "slip" it to him? Maybe it's just a game controller? A little more would clear the confusion.

Interesting scenario! Want more 'big picture' though.

 

[Abernovo]

Hi Hex.
As usual, your openings grab, giving me enough to start liking it immediately and enough loose ends to want to find out more about what's going on. Like the language, and the grotesqueness of the nicotine-stained fingers.

A couple of things, both of which springs mentioned:

I slipped Davy the Heart's Desire along with his change from the bar. He shoved the coins into his pocket and leant back against the seat, reaching for his pint with grimy fingers.

Could you use:
'I slipped the Heart's Desire to Davy...'?
As it was, I too thought she'd given the slip to 'Davy, the Heart's Desire'

It was showing the same old crap -- Councillor Corbus just before they guillotined him. The smooth grey walls of the execution chamber; his strange, hunched shoulder. The merciless light.

Ah, the return of the Maiden?

Then it switched to the old guy going on about his car. I turned back to my drink, and to watching Davy covertly when there was no danger he'd notice.

Could you put this 'and' in? Personally, the sentence made sense without it, but it did stick a bit.

 

[HareBrain]

This is an illustration of how to write a very hooky opening with no "action". It raises loads of questions, yet isn't confusing. Even though the first mention of "Heart's Desire" is only the name of a drink, it's intriguing enough itself to keep me reading (especially since it's the title) and then the other (as yet not entirely explained) meaning comes in.

Only a couple of things I wasn't entirely sure about. Tossing back the pale hair makes me think too strongly of a shampoo advert to be really credible. If you could find a more unique way of saying that, I think it would give a useful early impression of your writing being strong.

Also, I couldn't really picture what was meant by the girl "hanging over them", but this is terribly minor. Excellent stuff. (And it's nice to see you can do past tense!)

 

[Jo Zebedee]

But, therein lies the confusion for me. I don't think the Heart's Desire was a drink. I think it's something else she slipped him. And now I'm lying in the corner, having given up...

 

[Hex]

Thank you, everyone

@springs -- hmm. Too confusing. There's a lot of new stuff in this wip and maybe I'm trying to get it all in too quickly (this started life as a short story and looks like growing, so I now have more space to explain stuff -- maybe I should use it!)

@Aber -- always good to realise not everyone knows what the Heart's Desire looks like. Drat. And 'and', you say? I'll come out in spots.

@SciFrac -- you know, I'm not sure if this is future or alternative world. Good question. You made me think :|

@ HB -- you spoiled my fun. I was visualising that Timotei advert with the white horse in it...


#

re Heart's Desire -- this is the next bit. I guess it comes too late?

I'd got the token when Mum had sent me to buy sugar. Brint's mum had told mine the grocer by the Tumbrilla was selling it ticket-free. By the time I got there, though, it was finished. He took pity on me -- they often do, which is why Mum sends me -- and scraped what was left into my bag.

"Say that's an ounce," he said, not even weighing it.

"Thanks, mister." I handed him my money, got a handful of change and a pinch on the cheek.

When I got outside, one of the coins hummed in my pocket. I felt for it, my fingers trembling with mingled dread and anticipation. It had turned black as liquorice, black as Davy's hair. When I brought it to my mouth, the metallic flavour rushed along my tongue and made my saliva bitter. I lowered it anxiously. If it was Fire -- it was probably Fire -- I didn't have much to lose. Except Pip. I couldn't bear to consider losing Pip. I didn't think about it being Fear -- because they knew, somehow, the Fear tokens, what you were most scared of. So I let myself hope I'd found a Heart's Desire.

 

[SciFrac]

Wait, the Heart's Desire is a drink? Why is it listed on the vidscreen scoreboard with fear and fire?

 

[Hex]

No. It's a coin (well, a coin-sized token). Clearly I need to clarify that!

 

[HareBrain]

I thought "Heart's Desire" was the pint he reached for. As a real ale drinker, it seemed a perfectly normal name to me. If it's something else, it needs to be made clearer, I think. (Or maybe not: I could adjust my understanding later without any real damage.)

But with the next section, I had to read it several times before I made sense of it. Plunging into a flashback without warning (the literary equivalent of the wavy lines in a TV flashback) I think is too much at this stage, unless you kept it all in pluperfect. I think you'd do better to stay in the present a bit longer. And it might increase the number of unanswered questions a bit too much, because you're now bringing in the idea of rationing and someone called Pip. Better to establish what you've already introduced, I think.

 

[Hex]

I did actually say it was a drink (or strongly imply it) now you point it out. Oops. Thank you

I will reconsider the structure too. I guess I could start with the flashbacky bit but the story starts when she gives the Heart's Desire to Davy...

Yargh. I must Think.

 

[HareBrain]

On balance, I'd start where you did, though both could be strong openings. Part of my problem with the flashback bit is that I hadn't twigged that the "token" was what she'd given Davy. If you'd called it a token earlier on, that would have made it easier. But my instinct is that it's still too soon for a flashback.

 

[The Judge]

I slipped Davy the Heart's Desire along with his change from the bar. [um... change from the bar? Unless there is also change from, say, the food or the lottery ticket, wouldn't she just think "his change"? It's like you've shoved in the word "bar" to give us a location immediately without actually going to the trouble to telling us properly. I also found the semi-rhyme of Desire/bar a bit too limerickish (that might not worry people who don't talk with my accent, though...)] He shoved the coins into his pocket and leant [dunno why, but I think "leaned" would be better here] back against the seat, reaching for his pint with grimy fingers. [are D&B at the actual counter while she's serving behind? If so, do bar-counter seats have backs to lean against? Or has she brought the drinks to his table which would account for "from the bar" in which case why doesn't she either sit down with them or go back to serving?]

I loved his hands -- chewed nails, grey around the knuckles, yellow cigarette stain between his fingers. [this immediately makes me think it's nice girl falling for bad boy schtick here which is perhaps a tad predictable if that's how it's going] Everything mine weren't, all plump and pale and weak-looking.

"How's school, Stas?"

"Ah, you know." I fought to be casual, not to blush. "They teach stuff."

Brint laughed. "So nothing's changed. They did that when we were there." He tossed back his pale hair [like a girl in an advert, you mean? Do we need to know about his pale hair and his I'm-worth-it hair-tossing??] and drank a long swallow [took a long swallow, perhaps, but drank one? if he's swallowed it, he's drunk it already, so it feels a bit odd] of beer.

Davy raised his eyes, dark and brilliant. The lashes were absurdly long. Wasted on a boy, Mum said, but I didn't think so.

"Sure," he said. "But what are you learning?"

The way he said it made heat rush all over my skin, up across my face, over my cheeks. I couldn't find an answer quick enough to hold his attention and he glanced away from me to the vidscreen on the wall. It was showing the same old crap -- Councillor Corbus just before they guillotined him. The smooth grey walls of the execution chamber; [um... I know I bang on about your comma habit, but this is actually a better place for one than a semi-colon. Better yet, a full stop, otherwise you're putting too much emphasis on the merciless light by giving it a sentence of its own. I'd either have one long sentence with commas, or three separate ones, to give equal weight to each. I'd also put his shouder last -- she's looking at the peripherals first, then him last] his strange, hunched shoulder. The merciless light.

I didn't like seeing Corbus die. I watched, though. I always do. [see next comment] Davy and Brint looked as well, and -- like everyone else in the pub -- they were smiling.

Right after the blade came flashing down, the screens switched to the latest Heart's Desire winner -- some fat old guy who'd chosen a massive car. I liked [how odd. I was going to ask why the change of tense and then realised the rest is in past. For some reason I wanted this as "like" in present. Ah. Just checked. It's the "I always do" in the para above -- she's here, now, looking back on this, so things that continue into her present should be in present tense. If you want this in the past, that "do" needs to be "did"] that better than when they had [if you change this to "like" this needs to be "have"] a beautiful girl hanging over them, giggling. [not sure if I've understood that. Do the fat old guys usually ask for a woman and get given one, then?] It always seemed [again, you need to marry the tense up] like she was [ditto. Plus while "she" is strictly correct with "a girl" it gives the unfortunate impression it's always the same hooker there, so I'd change this to "the girls/women"] laughing at them. [and that upsets her why?]

The stats came rolling up the screen:

Totals for the year so far
7 Fear
62 Fire
but only one Heart's Desire!

Then it switched to the old guy going on about his car. I turned back to my drink, to watching Davy covertly when there was no danger he'd notice.

He was thinner than he used to be, dirtier too ["too" strictly needs commas separating it off] since his mum had gone. The real change was his expression, the tightening of his jaw. It made him look sharp-edged, like you could cut yourself on him.

I'm very confused about what the Heart's Desire is. The "slipped" suggested to me it was a semi-furtive action as she passes it to him, and I thought at first it was some kind of love token, but unless it's actually the name of the pint he never picks it up or otherwise acknowledges it, nor does she think about it again. Then we get the TV going on about it. I don't mind mystery but for me that's a bit too much. No need to tell me outright, but I'd like more of a hint.

I'd agree with springs that I'd like a tad more about where they are and whether she is with them or serving behind the bar or what. I'm also less than thrilled at another teenage girl being so besotted she can't think straight, but that's personal prejudice showing.

Anyway, a good first draft. I like the TV bit and the nonchalance about the execution. I trust the hunched shoulder is important and not just there as filler, by the way.


EDIT: took so long wittering, the world and his wife/her husband/his/her significant other have come in here and some of my queries are answered!

 

[SciFrac]

Don't start with a flashback. Start in the current story, and reveal what we need as you go.

 

[The Judge]

re Heart's Desire -- this is the next bit. I guess it comes too late?

I don't know about too late, but it certainly comes out of nowhere, since the last thing she was thinking of was him looking so thin. You need to marry things up so it flows from there into the back-story, eg you could have her think of how he'd look fatter if it was the HD, and she was sure the token was a HD.

I'd got the [you'd need to make it clear earlier the HD is a token or refer to it "the HD token" here] token when Mum had sent me to buy sugar. Brint's mum had told mine [a bit clumsy. Can't we have "She'd heard"?] the grocer by the Tumbrilla [ho ho. And are we all there knitting?] was selling it ticket-free. By the time I got there, though, it was finished. He took pity on me -- they often do, which is why Mum sends me -- and scraped what was left into my bag.

"Say that's an ounce," [I'm glad there's none of this gram rubbish!] he said, not even weighing it.

"Thanks, mister." [do girls really say "mister" outside of cockney movies?] I handed him my money, got a handful [handed/handful ungainly -- and if things are tight, as suggested by a rationing system, she'd count every penny] of change and a pinch on the cheek. [what?! Just when is this set? How old is she meant to be for goodness sake? Any self-respecting grocer giving her something for nothing would be pinching a young girl's bum!]

When I got outside, one of the coins hummed [any tune we know? ] in my pocket. I felt for it, my fingers trembling with mingled dread and anticipation. It had turned black as liquorice, black as Davy's hair. When I brought it to my mouth, the metallic flavour rushed along my tongue and made my saliva bitter. [I thought this was... odd... all coins have a metallic flavour, for a start] I lowered it [the last mentioned possible "it" was saliva and before that her tongue] anxiously. If it was Fire -- it was probably Fire -- I didn't have much to lose. Except Pip. [I'd be wary of introducng someone we don't know here quite yet] I couldn't bear to consider losing Pip. I didn't think about it being Fear -- because they knew, somehow, the Fear tokens, what you were most scared of. So I let myself hope I'd found a Heart's Desire.

Have I got this right? You don't know what you've got till you're on TV, when it might be a one-way trip to room 101? And she just gives it to lover-boy without worrying she might end up killing him? She also doesn't mention it to him, yet the token is apparently indistinguishable from a real coin, hence the grocer giving it up, so Darling Davy could well pay for his next packet of fags with it and therefore lose his chance of eternal happiness? Wouldn't it be more sensible for her to keep it and use it? If she loses, she's lost and he's safe. If she wins, since she's soft, her heart's desire would be to see him happy, so he gets the winnings or whatever.

 

[Hex]

Thanks, TJ

No... You know when you examine the coin. The very next sentence shows her discovering it's a Heart's Desire rather than one of the other two. I'll need to be careful or I'll be posting the whole thing 200 words at a time...

 

[The Judge]

Ah. Doubtless you've got convered why it hums for her and no one else, then. Meanwhile, I think you need to re-word this bit:

I lowered it anxiously. If it was Fire -- it was probably Fire -- I didn't have much to lose. Except Pip. I couldn't bear to consider losing Pip. I didn't think about it being Fear -- because they knew, somehow, the Fear tokens, what you were most scared of. So I let myself hope I'd found a Heart's Desire.

If she's going to find out in about two seconds, this is just time-wasting, padding or info-dump, depending on my mood, as well as being misleading. If nothing else, something like a "I couldn't bring myself to check" or something at the beginning would help, except she patently does bring herself to look in the next sentence, so it needs to be more sensible that that.

 

[Hex]

Mmmm... what it's supposed to be is that you put it to your tongue and then it takes a little while for the colour to show (the colour's what determines what kind of token you've got). She's worrying while she's waiting to find out what kind it is. I think, once more, this may need a touch of clarification. Thank you

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

It certainly gets this reader's attention as an interesting story. However, there is a distinct lack of description of various things, and this seems to have provoked much of the discussion. There is no description of what a Heart's Desire is, when the simple addition of the word token in there somewhere would have made all clear. There's almost no description of the narrator, and one has to assume from her feelings for Davy that this is a girl (unless it turns out to be a gay, of course, which it seems you didn't intend.)
There's no description of the inside of the bar, but that's not important.
One wonders why the coin-like tokens aren't simply identifiable by sight, and how the whole scheme works. What benefit do the retailers gain from distributing these things? I gather that some of the prizes are nasty - how is that enforced?
(Where a lottery ticket is sold, and the prize is something one would want, the mechanism is obvious.)
What determines what is won by a particular token? (Lottery tickets are individually numbered and have only nominal value until the prize draw).
Hopefully the completed story answers or illuminates these questions [and I hope I'm not being too picky ]

 

[Hex]

Thanks, Geoff. No, not too picky at all.

I'm trying to walk that line between explaining everything at the start (there are reasons etc. -- they are explained) and hoping the reader is sufficiently hooked to read on and find out.

I do have an unfortunate tendency to write description-free initially. It's good to know where it'll add.

And I have now added the word 'token' right after 'Heart's Desire' in the opening sentence but I'm still swithering about the 'and'...